Ryan Lochte Dances Up a Storm

DATELINE: Highway Robbery

duh

With word that Ryan Lochte may join Dancing with the Stars TV show, we have our tutus ready. The Brazilian police in Rio want Ryan to dance to a different drummer—and want him back in Rio.

There is no better way to wash that scandal right out of your hair than to appear on that feel good TV show that every oldster in America appreciates. So, we doubt he will return to the scene of the alleged crime.

We have no idea if Ryan Lochte can do the double step, the Texas two-step or the proverbial two-face but those dance moves can be learned. Dance time in a Brazilian prison for a year may be like a bad line dance.

Dancing with the Stars always likes to take a bold, controversial athlete and put him through his paces. He usually fits in right next to the aging movie star and the son or daughter of a secondary forgotten celebrity.

In that way Lochte is the perfect candidate to be voted out on the first week. We all know that the voting has nothing to do with talent or a ability to do the soft shoe. It has to do with popularity. It’s like running for king of the prom or president of the United States.

With a plethora of third rate crooked and otherwise dubious athletes available for a selection other than Lochte, we find the choice of Ryan to be rather a bad tango with infamy.

We understand that Aaron Hernandez has time on his hands to choreograph a dance routine.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Tom Brady

 DATELINE: A SILLY GAME BEATS A SILLY GAME

lumpy

In case you hadn’t heard, Tom Brady was kept out of last Thursday’s exhibition game because he he had a “silly accident” with a pair of scissors, to use his own words.
It’s hard to believe that two hours before the game Tom Brady was playing “Scissors, Rock, and Paper,” with teammates. However, it now appears Brady was paper thin with his tale.

Certainly in the commissioner’s office they’ve thought Brady a paper tiger for quite some time. The rock of the team has to be Gronk without a doubt. And as for the scissors, we can find no sharp edges on anyone on this team except perhaps Julian Edelman.

We didn’t see Tom kept out of the game because he had a few paper cuts. And they certainly didn’t keep Gronk out of the game because he had rocks in his head. However, you may have noticed that all three did not play.
Far be it it for us to suggest a conspiracy theory.

Our logic has been grounded like the rocks to the soil or like the paper to the paper mill, or even like scissors from the roster cuts.

If Tom Brady was kept out of the game because of a frivolous game, then the biggest rock to hit those scissors would be Belichick.

 

It is our firm belief that a silly game hit the scissors that hit the thumb of Tom Brady. Yes, you got it. We have now discovered Tom’s thumb is the Patriots’ Achilles’ heel.

Aaron Hernandez Dials M for Murder

DATELINE: Hernandez Incorporated

A1 steak

Aaron Hernandez has murder on speed dial.

A judge has allowed prosecution access to Aaron Hernandez’s phone. Whether the phone is actually smarter than Hernandez is a moot point.

If life were an old Hitchcock movie, Aaron Hernandes would’ve dial the M for murder right from the club where he encountered his two hapless two victims.

But this is the modern age. Hernandez carried his phone with him everywhere he went. So the prosecution can now find out if he actually dialed M.

Text savvy people will tell you,  Of course, you cannot dial anything on a smartphone. We live in a pushbutton world. Like the Raven, we rap-tap-tap and cry out nevermore before we pull the trigger and push the send button.

Perhaps Hernandez texted M for murder.

You can only speed dial murder nowadays. Whatever the phone will reveal on it’s nevermore deleted memory, Hernandez is a big dodo.

Smartphones apparently go hand in glove with automatic weapons. Today’s murderer, upset by having a drink spilled on him, will get into his rented car, drive around the block waiting for his victims to show up, and let the car do automatic driving while he aims his automatic pistol.

Nowadays it’s not unusual to have the murderer actually put the crime and punishment on his cell phone for later inclusion on his Facebook page.

With the judge’s new order, we now may see just how dumb Aaron Hernandez really is.

Lochte Stripped Before Your Eyes!

DATELINE: Man Without a Commercial Fig

 duh

Next time you see Ryan Lochte, he will be stripped without a stitch.

It appears that Speedo swimsuit company has decided to cancel their deal with Lochte. This amounts to Ryan having his drawers dropped unceremoniously, leaving him with only a few gold medals to hang the low over the bare spot.

Ryan Lochte could always resort to the classic new swimsuit, which is of course a fig leaf. This means his commercial endorsements are blowing in the wind.

Even worse Ryan’s pants have been taken away and his shirt, too. Yes it’s true; Lochte’s deal with Ralph Lauren has come to an end. They have taken his image off their website, leaving him in the lurch, in the pool without beach balls. It would seem he has now lost his swim trunks and all of his other clothes.

This leaves Lochte alone with his endorsement from a Japanese mattress company. However, not a day later, the mattress was found to be lumpy with rocks–and Ryan was stoned out of bed.

So, Ryan will not be able to lie down on the job. We aren’t sure whether it’s memory foam or the real thing with his last standing endorsement. The Japanese company is no longer in bed with him, fabrications notwithstanding. Now even his hair coloring company has washed that boy right out of its hair.

Let’s face it. A mattress company is still the best deal when you’re falling down drunk. Now, it looks like Ryan will be sleeping on a park bench with his black roots showing  out of his coiffure.

Don’t be alarmed, Ryan. We understand Dos Equis, beer company, does have an opening for a man who is interesting and tells whoppers since their old man spokesperson left on a one-way trip to Mars.

Stay thirsty, Lochte.

Names to Call Ryan Lochte

DATELINE:  Wonder of Water World

 duhDuh!

We just read the blog by an angry black woman. In it she tries to pinpoint the problem of Ryan Lochte. What she failed to recognize is that he’s a pretty pinhead.

This privileged blogger claimed Lochte was a privileged white male. She built a case that he also had a God complex.

In her estimation, this was a pretty bad crime.
What she failed to notice is that Lochte has a head full of chuckle. He is a deadhead partygoer. He is a boy of privilege for sure. We used to call it being a spoiled rich kid.

What else can you call someone whose whole life has been dedicated to a sport with some inane purpose?

Lochte is most guilty of being a drunken idiot. Alas, abusing alcohol is no longer a moral issue. It means he is suffering from an addiction. And we cannot call him an idiot because we are discriminating against people with brains that are  lame.

Lochte has a life in which his perfect body provides a passport to pleasure. He’s tall and lithe,  lean and lovely. The perfect boy for Ipanema. How can we be disappointed when his beautiful body without blemish is on display for the world to pant upon? In fact, without pants, he remains defiant.

He lives in a world of constant chlorine. He is a walking, bleached whitewash. He is clean as a houndstooth. At least on the outside. Inside his head has been sloshed clean by endless laps.

When the world has the hots for you or at least your body, you will find you are a child of privilege or sex icon.

But let’s not lose sight of the fact that Ryan Lochte is an imbecile. Gods like Lochte are not complex. What a simpleton.

 

 

ALF RETURNS TO PRIME TIME ON MR. ROBOT

DATELINE: Entering the Twilight Zone

 ALF

We do tune into this dark, strange show called Mr. Robot where Christian Slater is the dead spirit of an abusive father to a young computer nerd who is a drug addict. This is not your usual TV fare.

We have unfavorably compared it to the other AI show where the computers are supervillains, Person of Interest. However, there is a flourish on Mr. Robot that defies categorization and compels us to watch its cult development.

To our surprise and shock, the show opened up with familiar music and credits: it turned into a sit-com from the 1980s with the cast now playing your typical comical family.

Elliot, the insane and drug addicted hero of Mr. Robot, is now playing the son in a typical family. The colors and videotape perfectly mimicked the 1980s laugh track shows.

Indeed, Elliot—the bug-eyed druggie hero of the show—is totally overwhelmed by the sound of canned laughter at the unfunny lines.

The music had me puzzled until the guest star showed up for the show:  yes, it was ALF. Call us flummoxed. Paul Fusco’s little alien creature had returned to prime time.

On one of the most diabolical, tragic, mysterious shows of the era, pint-sized space alien ALF was guest star. Jaw dropping might be one characterization.

When star Remi Malik wakes up from a coma in a hospital bed about 40 minutes into the show, it comes back to its traditional shocker drama; the TV in his hospital room is showing a clip of ALF from the original show.

Though we are a begrudging viewer to Mr. Robot, finding its esoterica far beyond necessary, we are devoted to ALF.

What a weird and startlingly original show.

American Swimmers Kidnapped by Space Aliens

DATELINE: Strip Searched by Aliens

 Biebs buns

Brazilian authorities now report that four American Olympic swimmers have missing time among their possessions taken by strange beings dressed as police officers in Rio.

Ryan Lochte managed to catch a flight aboard a spaceship and has already landed in the United States. His fellow swimmers have gone downstream, and up the river.

Police and courts have now robbed several American swimmers of their passports and they are unable to return to Roswell, the scene of the crime.

Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz were pulled off a flight out of Rio for discrepancies in the report filed with MUFON, an active part of the Rio police. Most Brazilians admit that Brazil is the place where the nuts are.

One of the relatives of the victims, Charley’s Aunt, was once caught in drag without a passport.

The swimmers were in bathing suits at a strange party outside the Olympic Village when they were embarrassed to be found in their birthday suits. They said everything was taken except for their cell phones. They had no pockets and held onto those.

Ryan Lochte instantly disappeared out of Rio as did his teammate Michael Phelps who did not attend the same party, but instead did not become roaring drunk and attend the alternative lifestyle extravaganza.

Rio is known for its nightlife and has outdone the phrase “what happens in Rio stays in Rio.”

Rio Rita and Chiquita Banana were not with the men when they returned from their ordeal at the crack of dawn. Back in the United States, out of harm’s way, Ryan Lochte said UFO reports are subject to “mischaracterization” when alcohol is involved.

Space aliens have been reportedly visiting Brazil looking for gold at the Olympics.

 

 

Case of the Purloined Trial

DATELINE: Happy Valentine’s Day!

A1 steak

Aaron Hernandes’s new lawyer, Not Joan Baez, has been fighting the trial date for the double homicide case against the former New England Patriot. Move over, Erle Stanley Gardner.

Baez has rejected Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, as starting date for the trial. He has been insistent that the trial cannot begin before next summer. By his claims he has to read 20,000 pages to prepare. This is almost as dangerous as submerging 20,000 leagues under the sea. Or playing in one league, the NFL, under the terrifying Roger Goodell.
So Baez held his ground during the hearing yesterday. And after a long sidebar, where they had time for a couple of martinis, he came away from the judge with a Valentine to give to his client.

You guessed it. The trial won’t start until Aaron can put an arrow into the hearts of his jurors.

Hernandez sat stone-faced, sandwiched between his lovely attorney and his attorney’s version of Della Street. If you put a porkpie hat on Hernandez, he could pass as Buster Keaton, waiting without expression for a house to fall around him.

The rest of him seemed simian, with his lineless face under a brow that would make King Kong proud.

We suppose Hernandez was happy to be next to any woman after his previous all-male board of defenders.

This version of Della Street came complete with a yellow legal pad, and the occasional whisper to the lead attorney on the case. We almost thought we were watching Perry Mason in rerun, except that Raymond Burr always provided more avoir dupois to his character.

And the prosecutor in this case is more Wally Cox than Ham Burger.

Nonetheless, we must now wait until 2017 and open this Xmas present with bomb squad care when the little cherub delivers candy to Aaron’s heartthrob female fans in February.

Weekend in Hub of the Universe

DATELINE:  Where Humor Comes on Its Own

while tom sleeps

This was the weekend to be in Boston. A comic book festival brought William Shatner to town.

For those old enough to remember, he was the original Captain Kirk. For others, he was the star of your grandparents’ favorite TV show.

Robust at 85, Shatner went to Fenway Park to throw out the first ball over the weekend. He looked a little paunchy up on the mound, and without a warm-up, his pitch went flying into the dirt before home-plate.

Most honored guests would run off the mound in darkest, humiliating shame. Not Shatner. A man accustomed to re-takes, he demanded a second pitch. This time he reached the plate with us strike to the approving roar of the crowd.

Around the same time former Red Sox superstar Jonathan Papelbon found himself released from the Washington Nationals. And he proposed that he would be very happy to return to one of his most glorious locales, with the The Red Sox.

Though he pitches about as well as Shatner nowadays, he is not 85; he is the former Cinco Ocho. He could still help when the pennant with Big Papi as they did 10 years ago.

A little south of Fenway Park, the splendid Gronk was holding his own comic fest. He entertained a large crowd of fans doing standup comic stuff on a folding chair.

He demonstrated how to spike a football ball and imitated Tom Brady.

So, for humorists being in Boston unnecessary. In the hub of the universe we have everything from Captain Kirk to spacemen relief pitchers to compleat Gronk.

Oldsters Clinton & Trump Need Not Apply

 DATELINE:  Looking for the Youth Candidate

what a ticket

 

Having reached an age when we should know better, we are about to jump in with both feet to make an outrageous and outlandish statement.

Whatever the drawbacks of the two major presidential candidates, Trump and Clinton are simply too old to do the job.

We speak from experience, having passed it long ago. Oh there are those who argue that oldsters can do anything. Well, in fact, that’s simply not true.

Old people tire out a lot more quickly than in their younger days. We’ve noticed that both Trump and Clinton seem to take a lot of days off and who could blame them for it.  Campaigning and meeting thousands of people every day is exhausting work.

However, the job of being president is even more exhausting.

So, we don’t want to sound like we are prejudiced against age or older people because we belong to the club ourselves.

We think Youth is a valuable commodity overall, and relatively important in our president. As for Clinton or Trump, if you’re in bed knocked out from the hard days work, heaven help the country.

So we expect to be lambasted by AARP and a bunch of other groups for not respecting old-age.

We love old-age; we think retirement is wonderful. In fact, we think both Clinton and trump should be retired.

So, spare us your indignation. It is wasted because our brain cells are not as sharp as they used to be and we might get crotchety, grumpy and unpleasant if some young whippersnapper tries to talk us out of our old opinions.

Bobblehead Hernandez at Your Service!

DATELINE: A Bone to Pick with Aaron?

 A1 steak

Aaron Hernandez was never very good at the hidden ball trick.

Our blog readers delight in any picture of Hernandez that we can share with them. Today’s efforts may serve as the model for Hernandez and his own Bobblehead icon. It’s a dilly.

We guarantee that today’s image is unretouched, or at least has only been touched around the edges.

We are not sure what exactly is meant to be bobbling, based on the accompanying photograph. There are so many possibilities. We don’t think Hernandez bobbled the ball in this picture, but one never knows how many balls are in the picture when the hidden ball trick is afoot, or a foot-long.

Bobbleheads would only obfuscate the thrill.

The latest debacle over the David Ortiz Bobblehead would hold nothing compared to the controversy over the Aaron Hernandez bobble.

Bubble bobble, toil and trouble. There’s a lot of room to bobble. We are practically bubbling over this picture. Hernandez can stoke the fires for sure.

When it comes to Hernandez, we think he should be holding an Uzzi in every photo, though he holds himself well in every part. We promise that this image has not been Photoshopped or chopped.

Always the problem with Hernandez is whether we have gotten hold of the right end– err,  tight end.

We don’t know how long he can stand erect with all these prosecutors coming at him. He seems to be excited by the chase and so we expect he will give us his all in the next trial.

For now we must be satisfied with the images that cause an earthquake in his wake.

 

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Bobble, Heads Roll!

DATELINE: BAN THE BOBBLE!

Ortiz Papi Head

If you take one look at the Red Sox version of the David Ortiz bobblehead, you might be reminded of the days when the local neighborhood had a black jockey statue for the horses to be tethered to.

Big Papi deserves to be lauded, not lampooned. Spare us from the bubbleheaded idiocy that seems to epitomize sports today.

The notion that Big Papi will be honored with a bobblehead is as outrageous as depicting him as Aunt Jemima flipping pancakes. The actual bobblehead looks like something out of Al Jolson singing, “Mammy!”

The only thing missing from the Ortiz Bobblehead was having the unfortunate icon holding a watermelon. So, out of a preponderance of being horrified, the Red Sox canceled the distribution of the Papi bobble at the Yankee game.

The Red Sox nearly bobbled the season long testimonial to their retiring hero.

The biggest bubblehead of the bobblehead situation is the notion these things are meant to be flattering. If the process of bobbleheads is understood, they are satiric icons.

No one should be flattered to see his likeness bobbling like some out of control hip hop flopper.

These silly items were never meant to be kindly totems or to be used as standard-bearers for a career.

The idea of a bobbling head hints cruelly at a certain kind of mental deficiency. Better not to have a bobble head at all, than to bobble the Red Sox lionizing of its iconic Papi. The bobblehead was a bomb waiting for detonation.

A-Rod Catches Last Train to Palookaville

DATELINE: Into the Sunset

 

Long ago and far away in a distant world of California in 1962, Richard Nixon abruptly quit politics. He said you would no longer have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore.

This week history has repeated itself, as it usually does. In New York and in a far away and distant world, baseball Palooka Alexander Rodriguez better known as A-Rod, held a press conference and basically said you wouldn’t have his Rod to kick around anymore.

Those who know history know that Richard Nixon had quite a big come back before he had quite a big fall again. People like A-Rod who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. In baseball, doom is rampant.

We suspect A-Rod will return sooner than a Nixon, but with the same result. A-Rod shall return.

We aren’t sure if A-Rod is more like Richard Nixon or Douglas MacArthur. Old home run hitters on the verge of hitting 700 homers are likely not to fade away when millions of dollars are at stake. They will keep coming back for another at bat. True enough, A-Rod is not as old as Nixon on MacArthur, but neither is he as young as Michael Phelps, the gold medal apologist for all his life’s sins.

Your mission, Mr. Phelps, we mean Mr. A-Rod, is nearly impossible. Should you fail to accomplish your goal, all fans of baseball will disavow any knowledge of you. Good luck, Mr. Phelps, and good luck, Mr. Rodriguez. May the golden days be with you.arod

Ray Allen Returns to Green Time

 DATELINE: Time and Tide Goes Backwards

RondoLaughs
With word that former Celtic Ray Allen may return to Boston for the first time in Green since 2012, the seismic register has begun to shake off the chart.

Allen left the Celtics and a two-year contract on the table for less money in Miami. He alienated Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce.  Their big three musketeers turned into three blind mice.

The real reason that Ray Allen had to leave the Celtics was Rajon Rondo. Their on court animosity was more palpable than lumps in your coffee.

Now all the evil that men do lives after them in other places.

Ray Allen is ready, at 41, to play ball with the Celtics as their grand old man.

It has sparked some talk in sports circles about the inevitability of Father Time. No, A-Rod will not show up at Fenway ready to rekindle his once-reversed contract with the Red Sox.

And, now that Tom Brady is suspended for a month of Sundays in September, we hear that Tony Eason, Steve Grogan, and Doug Flutie are warming up in the wings.

Yep, and Ted Danson is considering re-fitting himself into the Boston bar where everyone knew his name as the dumb blond guy. And, Woody Harrelson will demur.

Old age is a number—and when Manny Ramirez says he wants one more chance to drop balls in left field, we are listening.

If Donald Trump can kick babies instead of kiss them, we know our world is upside down.

Come back, Ray Allen. Rondo is dispatched, and Tom Brady is in limbo. We need your superstar status to fill up the empty pages of blogs and the vapid sports reports every evening on TV.

Can Aaron Hernandez be expecting a presidential pardon to return to the Patriots?

Tom Brady’s Hot Tub Time Machine is Ready!

DATELINE:  2007 OR BUST!

hot tub

Grab your soap-on-a-rope, New England Patriot fans. For Tom Brady, practice makes perfect. He will be practicing with legends of yesteryear.

Tom Brady will be holding court in his Hot Tub Time Machine in September during his four-game suspension.

For his upcoming hiatus from NFL football, Tom Brady is building a time machine in his backyard. For four weeks, September will become 2007, Brady’s peak year.

He intends to re-create the year 2007 down to the finest detail.

To do this, he cannot have any contact with current NFL players. So, he intends to bring back his best receivers, which includes Wes Welker and Randy Moss. Also high on his draft list is Kevin Faulk.

Tom will also bring back youthful Matt Light and Tedy Bruschi. This will give him an opportunity to work against the best defense.

That’s not enough. Tom is acquiring as many 2007 newly created iPhones from the year of their first appearance. He will smash each one before a cut out picture of Commissioner Roger in the Dell. This will be a precursor to Gronk’s famous spikes that weren’t invented yet.

Tom’s musical inspiration will include Justin Timberlake tunes. This was back before Tom attended MMA events with Justin. It will be zippity doodah time.

What this all means to the NFL will be distressing.

Tom Brady is going to turn back the clock in preparation for his return to football. In October 2016, Tom will return as a youthful version, re-tuned and ready. Tanned and rested.

The NFL will be in for a shock. Tom Brady intends to return with a vengeance.