What’s the Matter with the NFL Today?

DATELINE:  Hate the Pats?

With 24 hours to go before the AFC sends its nominee to the Super Bowl L convention, we have a group of extremists at the National Review charging that the New England Patriots are “bonkers,” “cheaters,” “fake champions,” and other sundry accusations.

These elite NFL fans think of themselves as purists who disdain a shrewd coach who seldom makes mistakes. They prefer dumb-ass coaches who are fired within three years before taking their act to another team. They want bad coaches to continue to be the backbone of NFL games.

These football purists disdain having one coach with one team for two decades—and they despise the notion of a quarterback staying with one team and one set of fans for an entire career.

The New Puritans of Football want a moveable feast for every Super Bowl. It should be a traveling circus, looking for sunbelt stadiums and fair weather fans.

The Patriots have exposed the folly of NFL referees and the burlesque of opposing players with an inability to concentrate on the play at hand. What? Off-side again?

If you see a parallel to the crypto-Nazi attacks on Donald Trump as not being a real conservative, you may well understand those who see Tom Brady as the football equivalent of Trump.

You guessed it: Brady wants to make Patriot Nation great, while Cam Newton represents the nouveau Johnny (Manziel)-come-lately types.

Belichick has undercut the Goodell dream of annual winners of the Super Bowl rising out of a different region and division of the NFL each year. Parity actually means you can play FanDuel and continue to guess a winner.

 

 

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Tom Brady Throws a Scare on Halloween

DATELINE:  Boo!

Featured imageTom, is that you?

How can we compete with the humor of Tom Brady?

What does the star quarterback of the New England Patriots do on his off-day during a short week? Well, if it’s Halloween on the calendar, Brady is up to some masked hijinks. Check it out in our highlight.

Don’t ask who that masked man is in the Whole Food grocery store chain?  We can show you that right here. He put his autograph in a canister of candy for a lucky buyer.

Okay, it is a paid promotional stunt, but it still manages to be head and shoulders above Peyton Manning trying shove an extra piece of pizza down your throat, or Aaron Rogers attempting to escape his nemesis and stalker, the Cheesehead guy/girl.

Walking into a public supermarket and not being accosted is likely a rare experience for Brady. And only on the days before Halloween can he likely do it, wearing an oversize head that likely would be a tight fit for Richard Sherman, Sheldon Richardson, or Chris McCain.

Brady has posted his trick to his usual haunt, the Facebook page where he deposits most of his funny stuff.

We are almost tempted to run to the local emporium and snag a couple of buckets of healthy candy. Would Brady endorse anything less than that?

If he wears that mask during the game on Thursday, we believe a whole bunch Dolphins will swim back to Miami.

With the remnants of Hurricane Patricia about to descend on Gillette Stadium, Tom will whip up his own storm of touchdowns. We saw online the other day that “Gronkowski” is Polish for touchdown.

As we said at the start, our whimsy can’t compete with reality.

Celtics Look Smart and Go Young

DATELINE: HUMOR

RondoLaughs

Rondo Under Cone of Silence

When the Boston Celtics draft Maxwell Smart, you know he must have gone higher than 86.

We wait for the day that Smart tells Danny Ainge, “Sorry about that, Chief!”

Did anyone pull the Cone of Silence down upon the Boston Celtics before the media went wild? Yes, the media had predicted Embiid and Exum as the Boston best choices. No one had the Smarts to know how Young the Celtics would go.

Whether Marcus turns out to be a Smart-aleck or another dumbbell, only the first season will tell. In the meantime, the Celtics may be looking to see if Love will be exchanged for Smart Young players.

Marcus Smart is from Oklahoma where the corn grows as high as an elephant’s eye. Of course, someone with Smarts will point out that corn does not grow in Oklahoma, despite what Rogers and Hammerstein told us.

You don’t have to be a Smarty-pants to wonder what jersey Max will wear next season. Will the Smart money be enough to sign this outstanding young agent of change?

Smart earlier this year looked more like Metta World Peace than Cedric Maxwell. He went into the stands to go after a fan he deemed overly critical, making us wonder whether the Cone of Silence will fall on anyone in Smart’s circle if free speech is an issue.

The Smart money is on Avery Bradley having lost his job this night. A few think it means Rajon Rondo may be heading to any club where Carmelo Anthony plays next season.

If anyone thought the fireworks were over, they aren’t Smart enough to know the Fourth of July is next week.

Funny Stuff Detected for a Price

 Dumb Americaprimordialsoup

We always knew the U.S. government had no sense of humor, and now it is confirmed.

Just in case you think we are funny, we are providing a link to the serious articles on this stuff.

Your tax dollars will buy sarcasm-detecting software to help the Secret Service and Homeland Security find out if you really mean it when you say you own a drone.

How much a humor detector will cost may prohibit everyday citizens keeping one on their laptop. The price of joking has skyrocketed since Guantanamo opened the stand-up comic section.

Making someone laugh may now become the purview of only the rich among us. We have known for a long time that Ph.D.s have no funny bone.

Humor is a tricky art at best, and now we discover the people who can put you in jail have discovered they have no sense of humor. Thank heavens for that.

Sarcasm is the last refuge of scoundrels and humorists. So, there is no way of knowing if the Secret Service will be able to tell folly, irony, and whimsy, from the usual gamut of funny one-liners.

Perhaps we can cite this as progress in an age when humor about movies and sports can get you thrown out of a game and shunned by Netflix.

Political humor is the worst offender, mainly because your loyal opposition laughs as you are carted away in cuffs.

Of course, all this expense will limit humor-detection to the Internet. You may still be able to win a smile, cause a chuckle, simply by working street-corners with jokes.

Laughing Cavalier

Hals’ Laughing Cavalier

Secret Service wants a meter to detect how funny you are being in that tweet. It will be similar to the old applause meter your grandmother saw on Queen for a Day. If they aren’t laughing, you will be read your Miranda Rights.