Kick to the Groin by Patriots

DATELINE: Brady Boys Up a Tree

New England’s Patriots have done the near impossible: they have kicked themselves in the keester after a cramp nearly decapitated them of a head below the belt.

Bill Belichick has reached a stage of joking.

This week he thought about recalling Wes Welker out of retirement to be his emergency kicker. You know this idea did not emanate from Tom Brady—or it would have been seriously dead on arrival.

Welker is now coaching Jimmy G in San Fran where the Pats’ true heart is in little cable cars, halfway to the stars.

Brady himself pulled his foot out of the kicker sweepstakes by claiming his boot is in Denver. It may be where he ends up playing for the next five years.

With appendectomy, halitosis, and assorted ills, every kicker in the Patriot backfield has found himself unable to lift his leg to do more than pretend to be a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall for the holiday show.

Can a team go to the Super Bowl without a man with the kick-ass power to kick ass?

Julian Edelman may want to consider his role as slot receiver unfulfilled when word filters out that slot receiver and former Brady favorite Welker holds a record of sorts for kicking while catching.

So Julie may need to catch Welker while he can.

Practice makes perfect, but a full-blown rehearsal may be needed.

Can it be the Patriots are ready to lose every game for the remainder of the season? Can it be they will be out of the playoffs sooner than later?

Kick the Patriots in the scorecard and maybe they will wake up with their boots on.

 

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down

GOATS

Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

Dinner Suspended for Fast Breaking Wes Welkah

 DATELINE:  No Cream, No Sugar

 

pillsbury saltyBreakfast at Tiffany Brady’s

TB12 is calling in his IOUs.

With four weeks of non-practice facing him, Tom Brady may be worried about the caliber of non-NFL players he can find for his non-stop, non-plussed workouts.

One of the biggest and earliest of Tom’s groupies couldn’t keep his trap shut. Hot off the hot dog commercial for Heinz mustard, Wes Welker was now going to change his pace.

Instead of catching a dachshund coming at him from fifty yards like a bullet, he was preparing to catch Tom Brady’s pigskin.

Welker told a radio audience in hushed tones that he had called TB for a 12-course meal of healthy nuts and berries between two aged in the wood teammates. Alas, Brady had other plans. He said he wanted Welker for one of those breakfast meetings. The kind where Tom breaks fast and throws the ball at a running Welker with two minutes on the clock.

We can’t imagine Tom Brady, health food nut, admitting he ever ate a hot dog with mustard to the man who has made a big paycheck for dressing like a bottle of mustard.

A man on a nutty diet, Brady recently admitted he won’t eat strawberries and never sticks in his thumb to pull out a plum, and he will eat no food before he retires that actually tastes good.  So, we wondered what kind of breakfast Welkah had in mind. We know Tom refuses to eat crow or talk turkey.salty

If Jimmy G wins another game, the Patriots will send a message, telling Giselle to let Tom eat cake.

Tom Brady’s Hot Tub Time Machine is Ready!

DATELINE:  2007 OR BUST!

hot tub

Grab your soap-on-a-rope, New England Patriot fans. For Tom Brady, practice makes perfect. He will be practicing with legends of yesteryear.

Tom Brady will be holding court in his Hot Tub Time Machine in September during his four-game suspension.

For his upcoming hiatus from NFL football, Tom Brady is building a time machine in his backyard. For four weeks, September will become 2007, Brady’s peak year.

He intends to re-create the year 2007 down to the finest detail.

To do this, he cannot have any contact with current NFL players. So, he intends to bring back his best receivers, which includes Wes Welker and Randy Moss. Also high on his draft list is Kevin Faulk.

Tom will also bring back youthful Matt Light and Tedy Bruschi. This will give him an opportunity to work against the best defense.

That’s not enough. Tom is acquiring as many 2007 newly created iPhones from the year of their first appearance. He will smash each one before a cut out picture of Commissioner Roger in the Dell. This will be a precursor to Gronk’s famous spikes that weren’t invented yet.

Tom’s musical inspiration will include Justin Timberlake tunes. This was back before Tom attended MMA events with Justin. It will be zippity doodah time.

What this all means to the NFL will be distressing.

Tom Brady is going to turn back the clock in preparation for his return to football. In October 2016, Tom will return as a youthful version, re-tuned and ready. Tanned and rested.

The NFL will be in for a shock. Tom Brady intends to return with a vengeance.

Catch up with Wes Welker

DATELINE:  Gone to Dogs

 

We have seen Wes Welker do many odd things in his day.

Now he is going to be at the Super Bowl 2016 when teammates and friends will be home watching.  You guessed it: Wes Welker has found a secret way to insinuate his way into the big game.

In the past you may recall that Wes did his best in TV commercials—as in Old Spice, and most notably in Depends, for those with incontinence issues. Now he has outdone himself. See commercial here.

This time he has probably found the means to ingratiate himself to the public, without pussyfooting around.

Yes, that is Wes Welker in the Heniz commercial, seen during the third period of the Super Bowl, wearing an unusual home team uniform and waiting for his closeup.

The notorious and likely award-winning TV advertisement is for the new Heniz Mustard to put on your hot dog.

So, Heniz rounded up a hundred dachshunds of varying sizes, colors, and hair length, dressed them in hot dog buns and set them loose in a large field.

The dogs make a bee-line toward the Heniz products. They happen to be actors in costumes. Among them is Richard Speight, Jr., and none other than Wes Welker.

We are not sure if Welker owns a dachshund or just feels sympathy with small, fast runners.
In any respect, he stands in full Heniz uniform, sans number, as a dachshund jumps into this arms, licking up a storm. What dog does not like mustard?

Welker has not confirmed his appearance, but his offbeat TV roles of the past would make him a shoo-in for a ketchup bottle, to catch a little wiener coming at him faster than a Tom Brady pass to the end zone.

Welker Returns–but not to New England

The Short Unhappy Life of Wes Welker

Featured imageIn Happier Times

Wes Welker has come out of retirement to play for the Rams.

This is not a case of a distinguished elder statesman coming in for a last hurrah. This is a case of a man with a history of concussions playing with the remainder of his brains left on the field.

We knew he could not return to Brady and the Patriots. Time has moved on—and like a previous wife, Wes cannot rekindle the romance with his paramour remarried to Jules Edelman.

On top of that, the father of the groom would hardly hear of Wes Welkah coming back to the fold. Some insults are better forgotten, and some better remembered. Wes managed to burn the bridges as he fled to the silver dollar saloon in Denver and Peyton’s Place.

We like to think the Patriots would not re-up him because they don’t want him to experience another concussion.  However, the NFL is not a place for bleeding hearts or even compassionate conservatives. If Welkah ends up brain damaged, he will have only himself to blame. But he will make enough money to hire nurses round the clock.

Wes has been raking in a good amount lately by combing his often hair. We may be splitting hairs, but money may be second to the parting of fame. Far more corrosive than a concussion, fame has killed more people than the NFL can count.

Welkah’s career now will have a coda—a short, punctuating moment of suspense, followed by sudden darkness. Don’t ask for the stars, as they said in Now, Voyager, when you already hit the Moon.

Julian Edelman Paves the Road to Hell

DATELINE:  Stand Down Comic

Featured image

We all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Julian Edelman is now on the DPW truck with tar on his hands.

If you think Edelman is an untouchable on the Patriots team because of his extraordinary development into the new Wes Welker, you need only ask Wes Welker how important that is.

Welker made a few foot jokes at the expense of podiatrist loving Rex Ryan—and it was the beginning of his New England curtain call. When he made choice comments in regard to his Machiavellian coach, he was toast. They did not want him back.

Edelman is stepping into those discarded shoes of Wes Welker. His interview with loathsome ESPN may be on the verge of treason in the fiefdom of Foxboro.

The slot man gives a dead-on impersonation of Bill Belichick in his full dyspepsia mode, telling players, “There are players at Foxboro High School who can play better.”  Even a moment after he did his public version of a Saturday Night Live skit, he knew it was less than a good idea.

That did not stop him from imitating Tom Brady in full octave higher mode, sounding like a harpie. Hmm, there goes four years of hard work trying to be Tom’s best buddy. Gronk’s take on it is that Julian is a toady of the highest order. Jules recounts his four year effort to become Tom’s jock-sniffing lackey.

Of course, Edelman’s piece of resistance may center on the Gaza strip tease he did. When asked if he were Jewish, Edelman put the emphasis on “ish.”  Hmm, we doubt that won him any friends at B’nai B’rith.

The entire idea to do an in-season interview on the network that had most blown up the Deflategate contretemps seems ill-advised at best. Whether Julian Edelman turns out to be the hero of the Patriots, or another cast off, only the cognoscenti can say. And, we aren’t talking.

New England Patriots: Drugged, Dopey, and Dumber

 DATELINE: HUMOR

Agreed

The New England Patriots are about to dominate sports and news coverage in all areas of the region.

According to some prognosticators, this obsession and compulsion will last well past the new year, and sometime into February.

Like ancient shamans, Patriots fans believe this likelihood is good for crops, drought, and will prevent major blizzards from hitting Boston before the Super Bowl oddsmakers upset the apple cart.

We are still unable to shake off our sports coma and re-enter the Patriots Red Zone. It has something to do with having been devastated by the locust attacks on the Red Sox and Celtics.

Even worse for those trying to make themselves happy about the return of football, we have found local legend Wes Welker has now slipped into the Manny Ramirez/Roger Clemens dimension. If he can find his way out, he will be the next David Ortiz.

The Patriots still wearing Patriot uniforms will be harder to recognize. The automaton named Gronk continues to be programmed to say the same answer to whatever question he is asked. It is frightening. How do you feel, Gronk?

“I am getting better and better every day.”

Do you expect to play this season? “I am working harder and harder, trying to improve every day.”

Are you brain dead? “I am feeling better every day with every workout.”

Perhaps the scariest development is Tom Brady, now suffering pulled calf muscles from too little potassium in his dotage.

And, he now sports a full beard. When Tom wears a full beard, you know the vogue to grow facial hair is already six months out of date. If Tom is doing it, it’s passé.

What does this bode for the Patriots? Check with us after Sunday’s game.

Fire Sale! New England Patriot Pants Half-Off!

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Celebrity DNA

Jerseys Off! Not pantaloons!

New England Patriot pants are now half-off! We expect a rush to judgment.

The New England Patriots are guaranteeing fans that buy jerseys with the wrong number can buy a different shirt for 25% off. Yes, for the first time, an NFL team will give a discount to fans that purchased the wrong player jersey.

So many Patriot players are jumping ship that fans don’t know what number to play. The playbill roster is also out of date the day of the game.

Alas, there was nothing in the Patriots announcement about pants being off. We might be curious about those Aaron Hernandez pants.

Fans are indignant about buying a player name and number on a Patriot shirt and having that player jump ship with his jumpsuit. Wes Welkah and Danny Woodhead have started a trend.

If your chosen player finds greener pastures, you may find a greener and newer jersey within 60 days at the Patriot Pro Shop at Patriot Place where making money is an art form.

This entire operation has us perplexed. After all, collectibles on eBay are based on rarity. It seems that a Wes Welker jersey and Welkah hat are worth far more today than ever before.

For all those people who dumped their Aaron Hernandez shirts, they may have lost a chance to sell big when Mr. H-Bomb is a candidate for lethal injection. Oh, wait, in Massachusetts, Hernandez lives on to decrepitude in his Patriots shirt in solitary confinement.

Yet, apparently fans do feel odd about showing up at the Foxboro game wearing the newly purchased Tim Tebow-Patriots QB shirt when he is in the Philippines performing acts of kindness for Christian charities.

So, for some up to the minute types, you can only show up in the trendy number of today’s hero. That Tom Brady shirt never goes out of fashion. Some faded jerseys with #12 on the reverse are 15 years old.

History is for the museum set, like those shirts hanging in Canton, Ohio.

 

Tom and Julian: Pitcher and Catcher for Life

DATELINE: HUMORImage

Not since Cher started marrying younger men and not since Demi Moore was dumped by hers has Tom Brady been as overjoyed to have his own boy toy return to form.

Yes, word on the street is that Julian Edelman does not want to relinquish that prized seat on the bench next to his big quarterback Tom.

After straying across the country, Julian hooked up with Tom for some catch at his Southern California plantation. Apparently Tom Brady was more than persuasive.

Julian, like the Prodigal Son, has returned to Bill Belichick’s fold and decided to take the three-year offer to be the slot ticket for Brady for the foreseeable future, or until the Pats ask Tom to restructure his contract.

After having lost some of his favorite things, like puppy dogs and Wes Welker, Tom Brady may be Mr. Joyboy for having the cheapskate Pats finally sign a receiver Tom can pitch to. And that will make everyone say woo-woo.

Tom has a penchant for little receivers: hence, Wes and Woody (Danny Woodhead) have been sorely missed.

During 2013 Tom made 105 passes to Julian and the former quarterback turned receiver didn’t even have to wear his 911 Reno Halloween costume to be noticed.

With the clock ticking down, aged in the wood QBs like Brady and Peyton Manning need to be indulged with the receivers of their choice. It’s too late to send flowers and chocolates from the Krafts, but it’s never too late to send Brady a man after his own heart. Namely, Julian.

Edelman has been an occasional victim of one of Tom’s witty barbs (“As a quarterback, he couldn’t hit the side of a barn.”) Yet, Julian takes every shot with every throw Brady makes. It’s endearing to old quarterbacks.

So, Julian Edelman may now have more Patriot catches in 2014 than Darrelle Revis after all.

Hats Off to the New England Patriot Salary Cap!

DATELINE: HIGH HATS!

BradyPullsRabbit

Tom Brady Forgets His Cap But Still Pulls Out a Rabbit!

Fans may want to tip their cap to the Patriots.

Their salary cap, that is.

The cap is so important that Denver has just made Bill Belichick eat his hoodie chapeau.

Tom Brady’s restructured salary cap has a big pom-pom on the top that flops to the left and then to the right.

With snow flying on the mountainous cap of New England, Denver has turned the snowcaps into great spots to ski down to the next Super Bowl.

Bill Belichick has spent this week looking at capstones to his gravestone. “Here Lies the Man Who Loved a Bargain.”

Fans may finally realize that one size does not fit all when it comes to caps, especially when money is involved.

Bill Belichick cannot tell a Phrygian cap from a dunce cap when it comes to a salary cap. He forgot to put on his thinking cap when it came to free agency.

Denver has just stuck a feather in Belichick’s salary cap and called it macaroni.

Many Patriot fans will now switch their hat to a Red Sox pink cap in honor of salary caps lost in battle for a championship.

Fans may want to pass the hat to gather enough money to pay the Patriots for going over their cap.

Bill Belichick has been accused of wearing too many hats for the Patriots when one good salary cap is all he needs.

To win a Super Bowl this upcoming season, Tom Brady will have to pull a rabbit out of the salary cap.

Doomsday Looms Over New England Pats

 DATELINE: SWEET SORROW IN NEW ENGLAND

 Belichick

We are coming to the conclusion that the New England Patriots really don’t like their players much.

Perhaps all NFL teams treat their players like dirt under their feet, but the Patriots seem to have developed this to a fine art form.

They always note that the price of players is too high for the billion-dollar franchise. The Kraft family needs that extra cash for tips.

Just in the past week they have given Julian Edelman a penny ante offer, driving him out into the free market. They have tried to restructure Vince Wilfork’s contract in an effort to drive him out and away.

Last season they did it to Wes Welker after franchising him for a few years. Aretha Franklin wouldn’t find reason to sing, “Respect,” at Gillette Stadium.

The high-handed and low-salaried treatment of players is a hallmark of the Belichick era. Tom Brady restructured his contract to make more money available to keep those receivers on the team, but it never was meant to be. He was had.

This post-season Brandon Spikes was thrown to the wolves, and he went out noting that it had been fun, “but not been real fun lol.”

Now comes word: Aqib Talib signed with Denver, like Welker before him.

Other long-time names on the team have departed–or have been sent packing, finally sick of Bill Belichick’s Ivan the Terrible routine.

When you don’t value key players, you will value no one—and though money may attract players to New England, there is something unpleasant here under genius Bill and his dubious owners.

When Tom Brady finally retires, New England will become a ghost town of the NFL. Already young players know that their career will not be enhanced in the long run by Brady.

If you tear it down, they will not come to Gillette.

Calling Dr. Belichick Frankenstein and his Welker Monster

DATELINE: HUMOR

ImageDR. FRANKENSTEIN, WE PRESUME?

For days now we have avoided Bill Belichick and his toxic comments out of character, attacking Wes Welker.

Personal attacks on unnamed, but clearly identified players, seems inexplicable on one level, but perfectly understandable on others.

The worst play Belichick has ever seen was an attempt to put his cornerback out of the game by a former, bitter, and hostile player that Belichick tossed onto the ash heap of Patriot history.

There is no other way to see it.

Belichick’s visceral reaction shows that his ego is damaged by his own hubris at dismissing Wes Welker, the body part that got away. Tom Brady’s Igor had grown too attached to the mechanized slot machine.

Welker developed a personal following, stood out from the bland homogenization Belichick fosters, and then had the temerity to do it repeatedly. Animated flesh should only speak when Belichick gave the order.

That’s why Belichick was incensed. He has created a Frankenstein monster annually that has no personality, but is the sum of dozens of body parts. He has electrified the dead cells into something resembling a playoff contender each season.

The Patriots are his Frankenstein’s Monster, and he could not sew and implant Welker into the mixed up pieces of petrified flesh.

But, make no mistake, the deranged mad scientist in his bunker keeps repeating his mantra: “It’s alive!” Yes, we too were surprised this season that the Patriots were alive week after week.

Belichick kept robbing the graveyards for more body parts and infused them with winning, but the brain that escaped to Denver was resentful of Frankenstein Belichick’s reign of terror.

So, faced with his Monster part gone amuck, Belichick tried to set the windmill afire with Wes Welker in it. But the NFL, with all its torches and pitchforks, could not buy into the killing of Belichick’s runaway monster.

Stay tuned for Son of Frankenstein, coming next season.

 To follow the Patriot season of 2013, month by month, read NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 2013: THIS END DOWN! Now available on Amazon.com in softcover and ebook.

Welker’s Pep Talk to the Broncos Revealed!

Tom& Wes

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Wes Welker was the motivational speaker for the Denver Broncos on Saturday night.

No specifics were leaked on his pep talk, but some are now speculating that Welker spoke like Dennis Rodman about Kim Jung Un. He discussed his disrespected years by the despot Bill Belichick.

Welker complained that he was merely a foot soldier whose dogs were treated like clodhoppers.

Wes noted that he loved Tom Brady like an older brother, and how much he wanted to beat him for once in his life.

Welker pointed out that the Patriots chose to give a serial killer a multi-million dollar contract and to let little Wes march off into the sunset.

He pointed out how when he and Tom went to the Kentucky Derby together, Brady made Wes pay for a round of drinks. Twice.

Wes explained how after years of sitting next to Brady on the bench, Josh McDaniels took his spot like a pampered poodle—and Tom did not shoo him away.

Welker told about how Tom Brady was like Michelangelo, but he preferred the cubism of Peyton Manning.

Wes remarked that Bronco coach John Fox went to the hospital this season and had it determined that he had a heart. Patriots coach Bill Belichick has never been diagnosed with having a heart.

Wes pointed out repeatedly how he and Danny Woodhead were treated like short people for years.

Word among those in the know revealed that these statements fired up the Broncos and prepared them to face the Patriots.

 Be sure to read NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, available at Amazon.com

Wes Welker Gets Arty

DATELINE: HUMOR

 ImageHello, Dali?

There you go again with Wes Welker stealing the humorist’s prerogative.

Welker compared the incomparable.

He said comparing Peyton Manning and Tom Brady is like comparing Pablo Picasso and Michelangelo.

We know our artists almost as much as our quarterbacks, and Welker is playing footsie again with the two most important men in his life.

We aren’t sure if one artist spent most of his professional life flat on his backside, but it could be a case of quarterbacks imitating art.

Of course, while Pope Julius II tackled Michelangelo, we expect Brady and Manning to keep their wits about them and stand up in the pocket like David naked to the world.

As far as a Blue Period, we suspect that will be reserved for the QB who loses the game. Only then will we be able to tell the Agony from the Ecstasy.

Let’s face it: Michelangelo and Picasso are not apples and oranges. Neither are Brady and Manning. There is no still life among this bunch of fig leaves.

Perhaps Welker sees the Bronco-Patriots game as a version of Guernica. The tragedy of this war may be that one great quarterback will be dubbed a loser.

We suspect the outcome of the AFC championship game on Sunday may be more like something Salvatore Dali might have given us. In fact, we feel confident that the game will challenge The Persistence of Memory when it comes to great moments in NFL history.

You can tell we are in the playoffs. Art is imitating football.