Trump Turns into Typhoid Mary

DATELINE: NBA Comes in Second! 

If you need a little coronavirus history lesson, we are here to oblige.

Typhoid Mary was a 19thcentury Irish woman who was Patient Zero of her day. She went around the world, dispensing typhoid to anyone within her earshot. She herself never contracted the disease.

She was put into quarantine and only went to the supermarket to pick up hand sanitzer.

In that way she was like Johnny Appleseed, going around the countryside, planting infection.

Nowadays, the closest thing we have to Typhoid Mary is Donald Trump. Corona Trump seems to avoid having a test to prove his diseased body, but manages to meet with other world leaders. If you believe he has been tested and is negative, you probably are a U.S. Senator.

We think it’s time he went to North Korea again.

As for the NBA, no one likes to kick a basketball when it is out of bounds, but we will kick the can down the road.

Another NBA player has tested positive. He was guarding Rudy Gobert last week. It takes more than three days to develop coronavirus, and a player on the Detroit Pistons was in Gobert’s shirt last week, as they say of good defense.. Oh, well, do your job.

No one is mentioning that two kids from Rhode Island met Rudy Gobert at TD Garden in Boston, received an autographed ball, and a case of coronavirus. It took almost ten days to develop.

Nothing like spreading goodwill, NBA.

So, we are back to Typhoid Donald: he only had dinner and shook hands with people this week while being an incubator. We expect to see world leaders fall flat on their test kits within the next week. He and his crony, the Brazilian president, love to say “Fake Flu,” before you can say, “corona.”

We think Trump would be a better candidate for swine flu.

As for Trump, he just keeps sailing on, spreading cheer and coronavirus wherever he goes.

 

 

‘Mystery’ Illness Replacements for the New England Patriots

DEADLINE: Next Man Up

  Typhoid Mary in Mufti

The big show down now has the awful possibility that untested Jimbo Garoppolo could replace Tommy Brady– as it occurred 16 years ago when untested Brady played understudy to injured Drew Bledsoe.

History has an ironic and cruel way of asserting itself.

Only the coach remains constant. We doubt that Bill will go down with injury, though the Bubonic Plague that felled Jamie Collins and now Brady could next strike down Belichick as senior citizens are particularly vulnerable.

Next man up would be Josh McDaniels. Of course, Belichick is an iron man and has not missed a down of play since he took over the club in the last century.

The worst that has befallen Coach Belichick has been an occasional cold sore, but when this occurs, he bites his lip and suffers through the pain to maintain his perfect coaching record.

The Patriots might consider calling Bill Parcells out of retirement if ever Belichick came under the weather. After all, it would only be fair to give Parcells a shot at winning his job back. It was Belichick who came in to replace Parcells so long ago after the national nightmare of Pete Carroll.

The only fate worse than losing Belichick to a mystery illness would be to lose owner Robert Kraft to cold sores. What would the team do if the billionaire owner was not in his box with son Jonathan by his side to shore up the look of winning?

We feel secure as long as Kraft wears blue collar dress shirts, as the blue collar seems to exude some miracle drug to keep Kraft from developing the dreaded ring around the collar. If ever he wore a standard shirt collar, there could be hell to pay the tailor.

For the loss of a nail in the horseshoe, the battle and then the war is lost. We must remember that every cog in the Patriot operation is pivotal to the success of the dynasty.

The next man up may be the Typhoid Mary of the team.

We dread the certain horror of “mystery” illness.