Obligation for Tom Brady to Pass Along a Reward

DATELINE:  Super Bowl Hero Revealed

dylan wagnerWho’d guess that Tom Brady’s most important fan lived in Seattle, home of the Seahawks?

It just goes to show that Patriots Nation is indeed a national group. The biggest hero of two Patriot Super Bowls is 19, fresh-faced, and deserving of some true Patriot appreciation.

Dylan Wagner is a lifelong fan of the Pats and a collector of memorabilia in his young life, as he is accomplished as a teenager.

He belongs to a collector network that often shares its prizes with each other online. Indeed, a Mexican journalist named Ortega proudly sent Dylan photos of his Super Bowl 49 Brady jersey.

At the time Dylan thought nothing of it because Tom Brady never went public with the theft of his Seattle Super Bowl jersey.

Ortega never explained to the young man how he came by the shirt.  In fact, only when the SB LI jersey went missing and was valued at $500,000, did the info come out that the other blouse was also stolen.

As Dylan counts an ATF agent as one of his friends in Boston, who also collects, he shared the story about Brady’s jersey, providing authorities with a big lead.

The ATF agent contacted the FBI—and the rest is Super Bowl trivia history. So, you can discount the Texas Rangers riding to the rescue. You can laugh off the idea that the NFL security forces did their job.

No, it came down to a vigilant and personable Patriots fan on the other coast who solved the riddle.

We strongly urge that someone whisper in Tom’s ear that he needs to send an autographed jersey to Dylan Wagner post-haste. Bob Kraft ought to be sending a couple of tickets to the opening game of the season to this honorary Patriot.

 

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Brady & Gronk Chase Their Tales

DATELINE:  Dumb Opening Acts

 re-stolen jersey

When an aging 40-year old superstar QB chases down a superstar tight end coming off back surgery, you have the potential for a Super Nova.

This is the kind of tale told when you sit around a campfire and explain it to your grandchildren at the end of the 21st century.

In space terms, that’s one Big Bang.

If you see stars falling out of Super Bowl LII, you may think Belichick’s mantra of “One More,” could take on all the elements of Greek tragedy.

If you like your bangs with medical accoutrements, you may be in a body cast up to your earlobes with a cast of super stupid stars.

Instead of the Alpha, jock humor will be the Omega of the Patriots firmament.

Many fans, and Bob Kraft too, must have looked aghast upon the Great Chase of Brady after Gronk who re-stole the infamous Super Bowl jersey. Only Bob Kraft saw millions of dollars going down on the Fenway short right field.

If you want to steal the fire from heaven, you could end up in Hades.

The last time we saw a chase like this, it was in a Buster Keaton silent film about the Civil War called The General. The old locomotive went into the drink—and that was that.

Imagine losing your two biggest NFL stars at an MLB ceremony. It would be like Hertz giving Avis a bunch of flat tires. If you want to kick the tires on Brady and Gronk, you might wonder how they manage to run the field when Tony Romo retires the same day at a median of their ages owing to injury.

On the other hand, you might like the feistiness of the young pup Brady, having discovered his second childhood, and the quick, nimble recovery of a man prone to back pain. You may like to live dangerously.

Fortunately, the Great Fenway Chase was about as scripted as a Three Stooges skit about a week back.

Belated April Fools in Boston

DATELINE: Weird Sports & Fake News

 ALF

April in Boston sports is a dubious time for the most part. For example, this past weekend the city dodged a springtime snowstorm. And, we are preparing for a spate of human interest stories centering on Boston Marathon bombing survivors.

Yet, Opening Day for the Red Sox was pleasant—and all the dubious elements converged on Fenway Park.

We weren’t sure what would arrive and when.

Take, for instance, Gronk who’d been in Florida where he incensed football fans by jumping into the middle of a wrestlemania match, jeopardizing his bad back.

The Lombardi Trophy under the care of the Patriots again found itself involved in a storm related accident in Maine over the weekend, where Bambi’s descendant met an untimely end.

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey was returned from international intrigue and media duplicity in time to show up for the Red Sox to inspire them.

And, we aren’t even mentioning the former Patriot who was not at the game because he was in a courtroom being tried for murder.

However, almost all was good. Brady and owner Bob Kraft were there with the QB ready to throw out the First Pitch of the season with a check for $14million in his back pocket, his latest lump earnings for football work.

Then, as Brady held up his jersey at the game for the crowd’s edification, a purse-snatcher ran past and grabbed the shirt. Not to worry: it was only the mentally challenged Gronk into his latest lunacy.

Like a Wrestle-mania performance, we suspect this was staged. Brady had to chase down his tight end to retrieve the jersey before 40,000 fans in ecstasy.

Oh, by the way, the Red Sox won the game. It’s never easy to write humor blogs in Boston.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Brady & Deer Hunter

DATELINE: Super Bowl LI Trophy Kills One

Brady & Deer Hunter  Brady & Killer Trophy

Not one day after Tom Brady received a $14 million signing bonus, delayed money from the past season, he found himself almost the 20th ranking, lowly paid quarterback in the NFL.

Brady made no allusion to his windfall on his Instagram account, but rather took a shot at the liberal, anti-Trump Boston Globe with a picture of their too early headline flub at the Super Bowl. Brady cited “hashtag fake news” as part of his April Fool joke.

Yes, self-righteous and incorrect Globe had put out an edition, reading, “A bitter end.”  Of course, the Pats won that game with its historic comeback.

Brady obviously has a copy of the errant Globe—and like Harry Truman holding up a newspaper showing his defeat to Tom Dewey, Brady is lambasting the Globe on the Fool’s Day for little faith in the Patriots.

Yet, the high price of the NFL for the Patriots reached its zenith on April Fool’s Day when a major, late-season snow storm hit New England. It was a day when we covered it all: snow, deer hunting, Trump, fake news, Aaron Hernandez, and the Lombardi trophy.

The coveted and prized Lombardi trophy that Brady held high at the Super Bowl Victory Parade in Boston a scant few weeks ago, in a raging snowstorm, met an untimely accident in Maine.

Yes, a Patriot security guard, and a Maine State trooper, were involved in taking the trophy to its public appearance on Saturday. Alas, another state mascot came to a bitter end when the car carrying the trophy struck the deer. Oh, dear, the deer is no more.

The Patriot trophy is now emulating killer Aaron Hernandez.

All involved were more worried that the car accident in Maine might delay the trophy from its next big pit stop at Fenway Park on Monday. It is scheduled to make an appearance at Opening Day.

No word if any Patriots ever show up with the trophy or whether it reserves its own life, even at the cost of wildlife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shirts Off Tom Brady’s Back

parade-6 T

DATELINE:  Shirtless in Houston

The louse who took time Brady’s blouse has been caught.  The Mounties get their man, and so apparently do the FBI. It appears that the thief is from below the border with real journalist credentials.

Hats off to the guys who found the shirts off Tom.

What’s worse, he seems to be a serial jersey swiper. FBI reportedly found the missing game jersey Tom wore in 2015 with its 2017 counterpart.

In an age when the FBI is investigating Russian ties to President Trump and Russian hacking of the recent presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton, Hoover’s minions have found time to solve the biggest sports mystery of the century.

It also and apparently pays to have friends in high places. This could be the biggest triumph of the Trump administration so far. It’s been a month since somebody put their mitts on Tom Brady’s half $1 million blouse—and we have answers before we have evidence that Obama bugged Trump. (Well, he bugs Trump every day.)

Brady’s stolen jersey is a victim of international intrigue. We aren’t sure whether to blame Goldfinger or Jason Bourne. It used to be that you had Interpol going after international jewel thieves, but today the James Bond mentality lives among our local law-enforcement.

The FBI has found Tom’s jersey on “foreign soil. ” No doubt, it was soiled too.

Our first suspicions went to the culprit of Bob Kraft Super Bowl ring, which was taken by Vladimir Putin in Russia several years ago. Now suspicion falls again on the Kremlin, or their minions. Did the Russian mob pull a bag job? Did they farm the crime out to the Mexican drug cartel?

We suspect Trump will say we need a wall more than ever, not to keep aliens out but to keep Tom Brady’s equipment in.

That two Brady blouses were discovered means that we have an organized and serial criminal operation that loots the bounty from the sacred locker rooms of America. This is worse than terror; it is sacrilege.

We expect to see President Trump holding the recovered blouse and handing it to Brady at a press conference soon. Right now Trump needs all the positive publicity he can find.

Tom Brady Despised in Denver

DATELINE:  Isaiah Thomas Unrecognized in Denver

Thomas & Tom 

Tom Brady was not there at the Celtics game in Denver against the Nuggets, but received a hostile reaction worthy of being in green pajamas.

According to hothead star Isaiah Thomas, Brady sent him a tweet that stated it’s your turn next after that improbable Super Bowl LI victory. He also sent Thomas an autographed #12 shirt that Thomas wore to a Patriots game earlier.

Wore it?? Doesn’t he know that Tom’s blouses are worth half a million bucks?

Failed Celtic leader Thomas this week said his boy wonder coach, Brad Stevens, was guilty of “experimenting” late in the season.

Forget the circumstance that two star starters were out, injured. Thomas joins the list of so-called team leaders with such an attitude. He was spoken to by head honcho Danny Ainge for his disrespectful air.

So, it goes without saying that his leadership is not inspiring away-game fans. So, in Denver last night, they posted a photo of Tom Brady on the jumbo screen and encouraged the fans to boo the Celtics.

We recall that Tom did join a Celtics recruitment delegation last summer to try to bring Kevin Durant to Bean Town. It failed. But, Tom seems to have won a few dedicated fans among Celtics players like Isaiah Thomas.

What a shame that Thomas cannot inspire the opposition as a foil and bad guy. For that you need to bring in images of Brady, physically not at the game, and not even at a Celtics game this season in Boston—so far.

Tom may be waiting for those playoffs next month. Bill Belichick was at a game recently (there to meet LeBron James apparently).

In the meantime, Isaiah Thomas still is looking for respect, though he seldom gives it.

Jerseygate: Tom Brady’s Stolen Game Shirt

 DATELINE: Case Closed?

putin  Memorabilia Collector

In practice, Tom Brady’s #12 jersey is always red. That means you can’t tackle him, or hit him, or breathe on him if you have a cold.

The white game jersey he wore in the Super Bowl has been infamously reported as stolen. However, now, unconfirmed reports, aka fake news, are indicating the Texas Rangers have hit a great wall in their investigations.

No, not the Trump border wall: the evidence wall.

Cynics who decry the Patriots as cheaters have contended that a teammate of Tom took the jersey for his own aggrandizement. And, now, without an obvious lead, the story may die—unless a new theory proves accurate.

Tom ought to call Interpol about famous Patriot collector Putin.

Texas Ranger detectives claim now that the jersey was packed, quickly and unceremoniously by an unknown party, into an equipment truck that is not yet unloaded in Foxboro.

Can the Sherlockian case of the Missing Jersey already be solved? It would not be the first time a mysterious situation is being handled “in house” as they usually say.

If the truth is embarrassing and undercuts the legendary camaraderie of the team, you can bet your #12 Bobblehead that the culprit’s mea culpa will never reach the media.

It seems a violation of the natural gas law to discover Tom’s jersey disappeared into thin air.

When the story of a $500,000 sweat-equity jersey goes into lockdown, you know someone has buried the evidence.  When the mealy-mouthed media grow silent, and the Texas Rangers bail out, you know this case is closed.

Boston Holds Massive Trump Rally

DATELINE:   Not an Anti-Trump Protester Seen

 parade-6

A million New Englanders came out in deplorable weather to cheer on the Patriots during the Victory Parade.

There was no evidence of an anti-Trump backlash among fans, despite the claims of wayward Clinton supporters in the weeks before the Super Bowl.

Gronk, of course, stripped down to the waist and rode through the streets of Boston. If Paul Revere had done this, there would have been three lanterns in the church steeple.

Fans did not wait to see the whites of Roger Goodell’s eyes before firing. The subtle and not-so-subtle shots at the NFL commissioner were omnipresent—from Tom’s “Roger That” T-shirt on his duck boat, showing a fifth ring on the middle finger.

Gronk later led the raspberry cheers against Goodell in a Providence, Rhode Island, party.

The victory in Houston, in its miraculous and stunning movie end script, has emboldened Patriots and fans to call for the firing of Goodell.

A few diehards now speculate that Tom’s stolen game jersey was taken at the orders of Goodell.  Roger, that.

In related news, there is now a movement to start the quest for #6 in the Lombardi series. Belichick led the clarion call at Boston City Hall by exclaiming, “No Days Off!” in his best coaching style.

The catch-phrase “One more,” has indeed caught on. Gronk told fans he wanted to be there for another championship. At this point, all those free agents may want to take a home field discount to stay in New England.

Usually teams lose one-third of their players from champion year to the next. They also lose the flavor that brought them to the Super Bowl. It may be interesting to see how this plays out.

As Gronk said, they gave Matt Ryan the gift of “Trey Flowers.”  Yes, they said it with Flowers.

One wag from the Clinton camp tweeted how confused he was by the rolling rally, “Is the Queen of Narnia visiting?”

Fake News & Real Champs

FORTHCOMING BOOK on 2016 New England Patriots

Available on Amazon.com as ebook for smart readers and in paperback for traditional readers!

fakenewskindle

We never expected our Patriot diary would be more than another exercise in Tomfoolery.

When we began recounting episodes on and off field in the summer of 2016, we had a glimmer of hope that Tom Brady might show his resolve toward the unfair treatment by the NFL and its suspension of him by winning ruthlessly.

We never imagined it would end like a Rocky movie.

Here is our datebook with high and low burlesque, funny and mean-spirited parody, all the ups and downs of a season of football with a group of disparate athletes moving toward one staggering goal.

In a way, this compendium of oddball exploits and commentaries will always return us to the memories of a season begun in adversity and ending in glory.

Like any comic book, this tale has superheroes and nasty villains. There is much stuff here of the Patriots with feats of clay. However, the ultimate measure will be chiseled in marble by the memories of fans.

Let us start this fairy tale with the immortal words….

“Once upon a time in a football galaxy near Foxboro….”roger-brady

Tom Brady Robbed

 DATELINE: No, Not the MVP Award

 tom-teddy

Tom still has all his marbles, but something precious was taken in Houston after the Super Bowl.

The eyes of Texas are upon him.

Before leaving Texas after the Super Bowl, Tom Brady let it be known that his game jersey was swiped out of the Patriots’ locker room. Suspects are legion—from media members to teammates.

This is not fake news, though it made the network news shows.

When Tom told Robert Kraft what happened in the locker room, it was caught on tape on one of the myriad smartphones. It became wider knowledge when Brady discussed the subject at the MVP ceremony.

Almost immediately, the Lieutenant Governor of Texas announced how distressed he was.  Furthermore, he was putting the Texas Rangers on the job. They would get to the bottom of the stolen jersey.

Rangers were checking everyone’s smartphone video to find the culprit.

Owner Bob Kraft told Brady, the purloined shirt will be for sale online before you know it.  Collectible appraisers are calling the #12 Jersey worth $500,000.

We don’t understand how a sweaty dirty jersey, covered and Tom Brady’s DNA, has any value. It’s not like he signed it.

Anyone who announced he took Tom Brady’s jersey would be immediately arrested.

Tom planned to look on eBay for his shirt. We cannot imagine losing one’s shirt In the sanctity of the locker room.  But, Tom also lost a shirt at a previous Super Bowl game.

This is a trend. All our Sherlockian detective skills tell us it is an inside job.

We doubt that Julian Edelman took the hot jersey. He already has a pair of Tom’s underwear, sold on eBay and worn by Tom in the Ted movie, We won’t mention copper-infused pajamas Julie received as an Xmas gift.

Patriot Miracle: History is Made in Houston!

DATELINE:  Humble Pie Eaten by Disbelievers

For a time we thought  the fake news headline of tomorrow would tell America that Trump had the biggest set-back of his presidency:  the Patriots were shellacked.  But the Fourth Quarter came with the thrills of a Fourth of July.

 Fourth Quarter & Overtime!

We admit it. We had given up.  We were preparing for bed when the smartphone rang with a friend from Haiti, telling us:  “Wake up! Wake up! Put on the game!”

Like many other fans, we were stunned to find the Patriots yards away from another touchdown late in the fourth quarter, just two minutes left.

If sheer willpower ever proved itself an axiom of survival and victory, this was it. The Patriots looked as different from the first three quarters as a man raised from the dead.

Every player, every pass, every block, seemed wrought from some deep gut-wrenching rise to win. It was the Rocky movies in real life.

How could it be that on the precipice of elimination and humiliation this team tied the game?

How could they be denied? The Atltanta Falcons looked stunned—as were they in fact.  Brady was not to be denied. Perhaps the face of Roger Goodell motivated him, but every dart led to the goal line.

It was historical, amazing, and unbelievable. There had never been an overtime Super Bowl. There had never been a team to mount a comeback so overwhelming.

The storybook end woke up the most cynical in us all.

 

 

Super Bowl LI: First Half, and Lost Hope

 DATELINE:  NOT SO OK CORRAL

Shoot-out was not exactly the right term to be used in the game. Blow-out seemed more appropriate, and the blowers were the Falcons. Like Bluto, they blowed down Popeye Brady.

If there was one ubiquitous Patriot who dominated the first half, it was Rob Gronkowski. He suddenly made appearances in the expensive commercials during the game seem interesting. He appeared in at least two: one with his old buddy Justin Bieber, and another with Terry Bradshaw for Tide detergent.

Tom Brady was the one with the hot sauce spilled on him—and he was unable to throw to Gronk to clean up the mess.

Raspberry turnovers had not been a problem for the Patriots until this SB. LaGarrette suddenly had moist fingers, and Brady tossed the ball to the wrong side. It was highly uncharacteristic of what the Revenge Tour was all about.

If Whiskey Sour happened to be your favorite drink, the hemlock special was being prepared. We had not seen such despondency since the team went undefeated and blew their Super Bowl expectations.

With all due respect, the Matty Iceman seemed sharp—and the Patriots looked like they put their money on the wrong team.

If Belichick was not making out his shopping list in a little notebook on the sidelines, perhaps he will make some major adjustments in the second half—or perhaps the Patriots plane will depart early from Houston.

As much as we may want to blame the Goodell referee squad, the men in stripes seemed to give the Patriots three first downs—to no avail. The Pats were taking no charity this night.

Someone forgot to tell Tom Brady to fasten his seatbelt because it was about to become a bumpy ride.

The only reinforcements to help the Patriots were not available.

Someone ought to call Lady Gaga to start her show early. It began to look like Roger Goodell knew “something” about the game that led him to give several smug press conferences during the week.

Super Bowl 51: The End is Near

DATELINE:  Once Upon a Time…

 roger-brady  Parallel Universes Collide Tonight

After wading through dozens of our Patriot humor articles—some not so funny, and others too mean-spirited in embarrassing Tom Brady, we have always meant well. We love Tom.

We have waded through highlight reels, hype beyond all expectations, endless analysis by so-called sports pundits, the same kind of experts who missed the movement to elect Trump.  Now, at rainbow’s end, the day is here.

Yes, Super Bowl 51 is around the corner, merely hours away.

Every day has been media day all season. We have endured polysyllabic interviews and monosyllabic interviews by inarticulate lugs and hilarious insights from Martellus Bennett.

Roger Goodell has been stabbed with the Revenge Tour of Tom Brady, week after week. And now, it’s “et tu, Brute” time.

We have heard the Hearst-coinage of a word “deflategate” until our powers have been deflated and defeated by the connotations and denotations offered by lawyers, ad nauseum, as well as scientists aware of hot air theory.

Now it comes down to kick off and actually putting everything into play.

We have not spent much time looking at the Atlanta Falcons with Matty Ice. The local angle of the Falcons has escaped us. This season nobody seemed to care about Atlanta except Sherman (Richard, that is).

Perhaps New Englanders feel it is a foregone conclusion that the revenge tour of Tom Brady will have its pinnacle and acme with the utter humiliation of Roger Goodell at game’s end. The opponent is merely another domino blocking the path to the winner’s platform.

The time for the Patriots to act is upon us.

And the Survey Says: Pats Fans in NE Are Loyal

DATELINE:  Patriot Traitors Outside of Boston

feud

Those haters of Tom Brady don’t need much provocation to pound him into the ground like some defensive tackle.

They’ve been jumping on Brady’s ties to President Donald Trump from the onset. These are the fair-weather Patriots, also known in history as the Sunshine Patriots. These scalawags were called Tories in New England in 1776.

Now we are engaged in a great game of Family Feud.  Various media outlets are now conducting surveys of the fan base for the Pats. We see  Tom, Robert Kraft, Jonathan Kraft, and Bill Belichick, are on the panel—and one of the myriad hosts of the Feud show is asking them to guess what the fans think of them and Trump.

In liberal Massachusetts, home of John Kerry and Mike Dukakis, fans are allegedly rabid over the Trump ties. Only a few towns in the hinterlands of the Commonwealth went by voter majority for the new President.

In the hoity-toity bedroom communities of academics and women of paranoid stripe, they are burning Tom Brady in effigy much like they used to burn their bras.

We believe these are the same women who advocate that men be relegated to the doghouse permanently.

However, the survey said nearly half of all fans put politics aside and claimed the political preference of players, coaches, and owners, did not change their feelings about the team or Tom.

Only a fifth said it had a negative impact on their feelings. We suspect these are the same fifth of the populace that resent losing control of the television to NFL games several hours per week.

We think another survey will prove that this same percentage will not allow their sons to play football at all. There are crackpots everywhere, but wealthy, suburban Boston is not New England by any stretch.

Patriots Send-off & Send-up

DATELINE:  Four Score?

roger-brady  Send Up!

We had a chance to hear of the Patriots send off on Monday morning as they prepared for Super Bowl week.

Tom Brady’s message was not exactly the Gettysburg Address. No, he did not promise four score.

You really don’t need to be a rocket scientist to understand his words, but it helps if you have a PhD in Linguistics. Fortunately for you, dear readers, we have what the doctor ordered, and we are willing to share it for nothing, about what it’s worth.

Brady said: “Now it’s starting to feel like the Super Bowl.” Tom spoke to a crowd slightly bigger than the one at Trump’s Inaugural.

We wish to note that the temperature was in the 20s at the big rally, which likely contributed to this insight. However, we point out in Houston it will be a climate controlled 72°.

Brady re-iterated that it’s been a great season, and the team has accomplished a lot, but has “one more to go.” Let’s face it, there are miles to go before he sleeps.

“Rest up, hydrate and get ready for Sunday because it will be one hell of a game.”

Heavens! Can it be that Tom is recommending a nip and tuck? We went to our Stooges Encyclopedia to learn that a nip and tuck is a drink so strong that you are instantly knocked out.

Resting up and hydrating, not necessarily in that order, might lull Patriot fans into a false sense of security.

Notice in Tom’s sentence, he follows up on his words “rest up”. That means the instructions gathered after that phrase are in apposition to “rest up.”

Tom is suggesting that a good stiff drink may be necessary in order to get ready for the big game. This does not instill us with confidence.

In fact, all references to hydrating worry us. Should fans be in a numb state? Does Tom know something we don’t know?

This proves a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.