Tim Tebow: the New Marathon Man

DATELINE: Old Sports Never Die

 

Approximately 30 major league baseball executives have been extended an invitation to watch Tim Tebow try to play baseball. He has decided to try a new sport since football has let him go adrift.

In the distant past, Michael Jordan left his sport of basketball to try his hand at the grand old game. Danny Ainge of the Celtics spent several miserable use playing for a Canadian baseball team in the MLB.

The lesson has been lost on Tim Tebow. We aren’t sure if all of those baseball executives are showing up to see the tattooed in bearded lady at the circus, or a struggling wannabe second baseman. Perhaps they are showing up because they been promised shrimp cocktails and pink champagne.

Surely they don’t think Tim Tebow will actually become a major-league ballplayer in baseball on the rough diamond.

We recommend that Tim try swimming in an Olympic pool.

The Olympic team is going to need a new star with the demise of liars’ club emeritus star Ryan Lochte.

As we recall Kris Humphries better known as the Hump started his career as a swimmer. He actually beat Michael Phelps in several meets as youth. Humphreys came to choose a more challenging sport. Of course, most swimmers are rather tall making for fewer laps and faster swim times.

Tebow has always been a little on the short side, whether it’s football baseball or swimming.
It’s clear Tebow is choosing a less strenuous sporting opportunity to be a Renaissance Man.

As for Tebow, we suspect the good will be interred with his bones.

Caught Up in the Lack of Action, Poor Tim Tebow!

DATELINE: No Dates for Tebow

 

One-time One-Minute Former Patriot and Bronco Tim Tebow has hit the news again for all the wrong reasons. His two former teams are about to have more foreplay in one night than Tim experiences annually.

According to snide rumors with no proof whatsoever, Tim refused to have a sexual relationship with his stunning model girlfriend. Hence, she ended the affair before it became an affair to dis-remember.

Any beautiful woman with sexual needs and ignorant of Tebow’s religious fervor may need counseling before she jumps into the sack with the often chased, but always chaste, football hero.

Accused of being adamant about not playing his virginal organ, Tebow cannot be impure in heart, let alone commit sin. Being of a nasty persuasion, we are inclined to think that Tebow reminds us of several NFL stars who seek the comfort of a beard to deflect impure speculation.

Far be it for us to chase Tebow over the rainbow with all the friends of Dorothy, but we suspect that Tim’s sex life is a house without many closets.

We feel compelled to argue that, like each week’s big NFL game, the media is hyping this stuff beyond the pale. Tebow’s peccadilloes are nobody’s business, and his lack of affairs seem merely to be a satirist attempt to whip up smug titters.

No matter how we cut the baloney, Tim’s only solution is likely to be a YouTube porn film, though dissemblers will parse every scene for editing.

If Tebow prefers not to have sex with women, we can only say that he is not counting illegitimate children with sundry mothers—nor beating up the bimbo of the week—but is merely driving off the bridge before counting his chickens.

 

Time for the real games.

 

Brady Takes a Tebow Knee and Everyone Else Prays

 DATELINE: HUMOR!Image

 

Tom Brady relived déjà vu all over again.

Those who know Tom Terrific and his mentality think the notion of post-traumatic syndrome is out of character.

Yet, when Tom Brady went down in practice, grabbing his knee, it was all eerily reminiscent of the year he lost with a torn ACL.

Like the previous horror, Tom walked off the field. Unlike the previous Patriot nightmare, Tom came back to the field and now insists he will play in a pointless preseason game on Friday night.

The bright lights won’t dim for Broadway Tom.

However, the shock and awe has rattled the foundation of the “In Bill We Trust” currency.

The value of the franchise dropped like bric-a-brac tossed at Bill Belichick by Wes Welker.

Tim Tebow, upon seeing Brady go down, dropped to one knee too, though whether his prayers had been answered or ignored, only Tebow’s friend (Big J) knows.

For the remainder of training and into the season, the alarmists and bloggers will watch every twitch and spasm Tom exhibits to trace the fall of the Patriot Empire to this one moment in the franchise history.

NFL insider T.S. Elliot contends, as always, that the career of Tom Cat Brady does not end with a bang, but with a whimper. He has  now changed his famous pronouncement, claiming August (not April) is the cruelest month.

Those pathetic little whimpers were coming out of Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels as he watched the freight train rush out of control and come at his blind-sided future Hall of Fame quarterback.

With disinformation spread like manure by the Patriot fawning media at Gillette, Las Vegas bettors cut their losses immediately with the gambling line.

To read other shocking tales of the Boston NFL franchise, take a look at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, now in paperback and e-book formats at Amazon.com.

New Wine in Old Bookcover!

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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We were ahead of our time.

Several years ago this intrepid humorist suggested that Gronk and Tebow should be great opponents and even better teammates.

Now it has come to pass. We may need to update this book, still available on Amazon.com in softcover and e-book formats.

 

White Smoke from the Patriots on Tim Tebow

DATELINE: HUMOR!

The word out of Foxboro lately is black smoke, but suddenly the leadership let the white smoke filter up. Cardinal Bill Belichick is leading the conclave, and he has chosen to elect Tim Tebow to the team.

Tebow was never a serious contender for the Patriots’ big job, which is tied up for the foreseeable future as Ponce de Leon Brady continues to show youthful resiliency.

The holiest QB in the NFL would be a good fit as a backup who never took the field except when there was an imminent danger of Tom Brady being killed.

Then, Tebow would be asked to use his influence with the Man Upstairs to provide a miracle. Usually the man upstairs is Robert Kraft, but in this case, any port in a storm.

What could possibly be the problem with signing Tebow and putting him on Paul Revere’s horse to start each game?

You have just put your finger on the horse’s nose and counted his teeth.

Cardinal Bill Belichick fears the circus will be coming to Foxboro for the foreseeable future with Tebow’s entourage, though Tebow says he has only twelve followers.

Belichick does not like what the Tarot cards are saying in the sideshow. His team will be distracted by a media circus.

If we have learned anything about the Patriot pontiff, he does not like noise, cacophonies, or any distraction from his pedestrian routine. Tebow offers feeding the masses with a couple of loaves and a fish.

Belichick would prefer fast food take-out.

William Russo has two books on the Patriots. They are available at Amazon.com on ebook and in softcover.

Forbes List of Influential Athletes: What’s Wrong with America

 

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 

If you want the short list on why the United States is on a decline as a world power, you need only see what Forbes Magazine reveals as American youth’s role models.

 

Tim Tebow heads the list, a man whose values include trying to do a job he has no aptitude or talent to do. Released as a quarterback and thrown to the dogs of unemployment in the NFL, he may be on the dole, but he goes to church on Sunday and shows off his piety regularly.

 

Michael Phelps, pothead apologist and Olympic swimmer, may be more adept in the pool than Esther Williams and Johnny Weismuller, but he has only transferred this ability to sell sandwiches for a food chain after being caught in a photo with his favorite bong.

 

Derek Jeter of the Yankees has most influenced teammate Alex Rodriguez—and should keep that off his resume.

 

Usain Bolt of Jamaica is not even an American, yet he is one of America’s leading influences. Your nation is fairly hard up when it must import good influences from a Caribbean island. Homegrown role models are as rare as hen’s teeth.

 

Perhaps role models like Charles Barkley, Dennis Rodman, and rap beaters like Ryan Braun who overturned his sentence of suspension from baseball on a technicality are actually more influential.

 

Those who appear on television and the social media, grabbing headlines could be the true movers and shakers.

 

In a culture where the gladiator is hallowed above all else, the nation rises and falls on its sharp sword. Last time an empire centered its values on sport like the United States was in Ancient Rome.

 

Cue the chariot. We may be about to go ‘round that bend.

 

Tebow, Humphries & Howard Crash and Burn

DATELINE: HUMOR!

In music they are called one-hit wonders. That’s the celebrity that comes from a flash in the pan. It is the fifteen minutes of fame that can undo a career and send the recipient into a grand funk.

The equivalent in sports has been one of the hallmarks of 2012. For a few choice athletes, the asteroid of Mayan prediction has indeed hit their careers. Leagues and other players have been spared, but the radiation poisoning has sent the hits of last year into the bomb shelter of this year.

From Toast of the Town to irrelevancy is not a journey for the weak of heart.

Yet, several of our pinup posterboys have gone this excruciating route over the past few months.

Most notable of all, perhaps the one who fell the deepest into an abyss is Kris Humphries. The Hump was dumped by the frump. Amid acrimony about Humphries’s own manhood suffered the indignity of going from wedded fool and cuckold to struggling member of the Brooklyn Nets.

From Kim Kardashian’s bedmate to Rajon Rondo’s punching bag, Kris finds the price of fame a tad higher than one would expect.

Tim Tebow comes in second, or perhaps third. The New York Jets brought him to their city with great fanfare. There it ended. He played few times, and then Coach Rex Ryan bypassed him for an untried unknown third string. Tebow suffered a blow to ego that would make others snivel in prayer.

Dwight Howard tried all kinds of tricks and ploys to guarantee his exit from Orlando and landing in L.A. with the Lakers. Alas, he left his talents in the Gulf. He wished for a Laker career, and now he flounders, disparaged even by his latest coach Mike D’Antoni.

 Ossurworld.com has many books of sports humor for your needs. Try Tales of the NBA: Arrogance, Idiocy, and Whimsy–or BEST BOSTON SPORTS HUMOR of 2012. Best-sellers include RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!  All are available in e-book an softcover formats at Amazon.com.