DATELINE: Crime Watch, NFL-Style
Community policing is alive and well in Frostbite Falls, at the Super Bowl.
Rest easy, you Patriots and Eagles, in the sanctity of your locker rooms.
Your NFL security is at work—unlike last year when someone in the fake media had the temerity to take Tom Brady’s blouse when he stripped down.
This year no player will lose his shirt—or pants—before he is ready to surrender them to the Hall of Fame.
The media isn’t the only one with a chip on its shoulder. Now, the NFL is making sure that fake media have been given the chip that is usually associated with your pet. Not under the skin yet.
If a member of the press does not press in or out, the computer will mark them out permanently. Heaven forbid that some careless sports reporter mislays his innocence.
If you lose your chip, you won’t be able to cash in.
Players no longer need fear losing their pants, but their heads and hearts still belong to the media member with the biggest calling card.
It’s a short jump betwixt the shower and the stall and your memorabilia will no longer be available for grabs like some wedding dress at the discount bridal store. The worst that can happen is that someone may sniff your jockstrap, but they will leave it on you (for those who wear undergarments—not many based on our unofficial count).
When you go to the shower, or to visit the winner’s circle, you may rest easy that upon returning, your uniform will be pressed into some branded designer bag, ready to go home, as you are either nursing your wounds, or stuffing your pants with confetti from the winner’s circle.