The Great Tom Brady Fault

DATELINE:  Movers and Earth Shakers

 scream up close Patriot Fans Silent Scream

Scientists in New England have discovered an earthquake fault line in Foxboro. It runs right through New England Patriot country.

Resembling the notorious rift called the San Andreas Fault in California, the New England version centers around cracks in the great football empire of the Kraft family.

The Pats sent Jimmy G off to San Fran where Tom Brady’s heart was born, and the tremors are now starting in New England.

It seems the possible damage might include the Pats sliding into the Atlantic Ocean if the eruption and shaking continues. It seems the fault line can be traced to Tom Brady’s guru/nutcase inventor of the TB12 Method. No one is closer to Tom, not even Hurricane Jules.

Alex Guerrero has been banned from the sidelines and from travel on the JetKraft team airplane with Tom by the Thunderous Bill Belichick. The GOAT admits that there is a fault line developing.  It could shake the entire area if Tom is sent sliding into the NFL when the rift with Belichick is exposed.

Right now it is merely a crackpot line in the sand. Plate techtonics indicate that Brady is standing on the line and jumping up and down on it.

Tom’s Fault now has claimed other Patriots who have sought refuge with the Guerrero Camp over Patriot doctors’ advice. Gronk, Edelman, and even Hanley Ramirez of the Red Sox, are now planning for the Big One to shake up sports.

We are not sure if the faultline ought be called the Brady Rift, the San Belichick Fault, or name the entire potential disaster after the notorious snake oil salesman, Alex Guerrero.

We know only that the tremors have sent Patriot fans scurrying about. How can a potential tsunami like this be at the Patriot doorstep?

The Great Tom Brady Earthquake is now on top of the New England Patriot worry list.

Old Doc Brady’s Homeopathic Remedies

 DATELINE:  Bad Book Advice?

 tom in lost horizon Lost Horizon-bound: Dear Tom

Medical experts are lambasting GOAT Tom Brady, also known around here as Old Doc Brady, for dispensing false medical information in his new best-selling book.

As a result, Tom took to defending his half-baked ghost-written book at the post-game presser. He knows what he knows—and he tells what he believes. Usually on the offense, Tom took up a defensive position.

Brady recommends hydrating to prevent sunburn. Doctors are incensed, if not downright burnt to a crisp over this fallacious advice.

Dressed all in black, like an undertaker or hangman, at a recent press conference, Dr. Tom defended his cure-all advice. He came across like Johnny Cash bad-ass.

Most people fail to realize Tom’s new book is actually a satire. It’s like James Hilton’s Lost Horizon, the novel about a fantasy world called Shangri-La.

The lost Himalayan city called Shangri-La is a place where people stay young forever, owing to some secret rejuvenation in the water. Who knew Tom’s hidden paradise is just north of Foxborough in Brookline.

In his private Shangri-La, as far as we know, Tom could be getting Serum from goat gland injections like old Somerset Maugham used to do. What better way to stay young for an old GOAT than to have goat serum!

If you follow Tom’s highly expensive regimen, you would end up spending $500 for Botox in each area treated. You’d spend $300 for his specially tailored pajamas. And his food program cost another $300 to $400 per month. You can never be too rich or too thin.

This homeopathic doc is certainly not the grizzled, but lovable, sawbones from Stagecoach, the classic movie. Tom sees himself as young Dr. Kildare.

Those trying to stay young forever would have a better chance of finding eternal youth by going to the Himalayan mountains than to follow Tom Brady’s secret recipe.