Trump Turns into Typhoid Mary

DATELINE: NBA Comes in Second! 

If you need a little coronavirus history lesson, we are here to oblige.

Typhoid Mary was a 19thcentury Irish woman who was Patient Zero of her day. She went around the world, dispensing typhoid to anyone within her earshot. She herself never contracted the disease.

She was put into quarantine and only went to the supermarket to pick up hand sanitzer.

In that way she was like Johnny Appleseed, going around the countryside, planting infection.

Nowadays, the closest thing we have to Typhoid Mary is Donald Trump. Corona Trump seems to avoid having a test to prove his diseased body, but manages to meet with other world leaders. If you believe he has been tested and is negative, you probably are a U.S. Senator.

We think it’s time he went to North Korea again.

As for the NBA, no one likes to kick a basketball when it is out of bounds, but we will kick the can down the road.

Another NBA player has tested positive. He was guarding Rudy Gobert last week. It takes more than three days to develop coronavirus, and a player on the Detroit Pistons was in Gobert’s shirt last week, as they say of good defense.. Oh, well, do your job.

No one is mentioning that two kids from Rhode Island met Rudy Gobert at TD Garden in Boston, received an autographed ball, and a case of coronavirus. It took almost ten days to develop.

Nothing like spreading goodwill, NBA.

So, we are back to Typhoid Donald: he only had dinner and shook hands with people this week while being an incubator. We expect to see world leaders fall flat on their test kits within the next week. He and his crony, the Brazilian president, love to say “Fake Flu,” before you can say, “corona.”

We think Trump would be a better candidate for swine flu.

As for Trump, he just keeps sailing on, spreading cheer and coronavirus wherever he goes.

 

 

Tom Brady Sniffles & Patriot Nation Shudders

DATELINE: HUMOR

Tom Brady has swine flu, or some diabolical virus. It could also be the bird flu, or it could simply be an old-fashioned cold.

No one wants to label the illness that has sacked the Great Hope of the Patriots.  Suffice it to say that Tom Brady is in the grippe of an intestinal distress. If he’s ill, then the team may be on life support.

Fans are not worried, knowing that Brady would play in Denver on Sunday if he were facing gall bladder surgery on Saturday.

When Bill Belichick won’t divulge what ails Tom, the media goes into a frenzy of hypochondria.

Symptoms now follow the lines of upchucking, fever and headache, plantar fasciitis, and cold sores.  This could be worse than a bad case of fallen arches.

TB12 is off his feed this week, and it has nothing to do with Peyton Manning. Fans are in a dispute as to whether Tom ought to feed that cold and starve that fever, or vice versa.

Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola have been up all night making chicken soup for Tom. Their lives depend on his juices flowing by Sunday.

Homeopathic remedies are coming to the forefront, right behind acupunctures on Tom’s rump.

In the old days, if General Motors had a cold, Wall Street caught pneumonia. Nowadays if Tom Brady has a cold, Obamacare is not ready to give him an aspirin, or even a placebo.