DATELINE: The Devil You Say?
If you wait for Bill Belichick to let you know what’s going on in Patriot Nation, you’d be the victim of a fake news blockage.
Stephone Gilmore, one-time scapegoat of the big loss two weeks ago, suddenly has developed a concussion and will be unavailable for Sunday’s big game against the New York Jets.
The Jets, usually Pat patsies, are looking like the team Rex Ryan always hoped they would be. So, for the Pats to abruptly announce that Gilmore, one of their high-priced staples, is now suffering sudden concussion is a big deal. It is also a bit weird.
There were no reports of Gilmore injuries all week.
Maybe he fell in the bathtub. Perhaps he had one of those latent concussions that befall Tom Brady. His wife insists he has them, but Tom has no memory of that—and plays regardless of any headaches.
On top of this, another Patriot had to be extricated from his car in a terrible three-car accident on the way to Foxboro Friday night. He was rear-ended—and now he too is out for the foreseeable future. This is rookie Harvey Langi who was with his wife. Both have serious injury and have been hospitalized.
The fluke problems continue to mount up on the Patriots. We know the root cause, but no one is talking about it.
Just a few months ago, Tom Brady tempted fate deliberately by challenging superstition. He smashed a mirror with a hammer and walked under a ladder to prove there was nothing to these old tales of impending doom.
No one is laughing now. And no one is acknowledging that Tom has been foolhardy once too often. He must think those special pajamas he wears make him look and behave like Spiderman.
Instead, he looks like the man with arachnophobia.
The rest of us are foaming at the mouth with Friday the 13th worries.
If the Jets beat the Patriots following a jinx day of the week, you know that Tom has tempted fate and called in the Devil’s boys.
We should warn Tom that the Devil is the author of confusion and often takes a pleasing form. The Devil is in the details and in the Botox. Every day a little Devil.
DATELINE: Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall
When our Haitian home health aide tells us something, we generally listen closely. He knows everything—and he is also an expert in voodoo.
So, when we considered the post-game post-mortem on the Patriots loss to Kansas City in the opener of 2017, we realized that the mantra of “One More Time” is the equivalent of whistling past the graveyard. It was, we were reminded, the 9th anniversary of the same Chiefs crushing Tom’s leg in a game, losing an entire season.
All this was detailed in the off-season book about the Patriots called The Most Off Off-Season Ever. For those with elephantine memories, you will recall that Tom Brady dismissed talk of curses and superstitions by taking the proactive stance of smashing a mirror with a hammer.
Well, we cringed then—and now a series of freakish injuries has decimated Tom’s receiving corps. The esprit de corps is now in a MASH unit in North Korea.
In no short order, Tom Brady has lost Edelman, Amendola, and Malcolm Mitchell. Other Patriots look like the walking dead from cable television: notably Gronk.
So, when our health aide said Tom Brady is too old to play quarterback, our ears were pierced with the shrill cry of a banshee in the night.
We were reminded of Muhammad Ali’s comment to Howard Cosell about age: “Ask your wife, Howard. You are not the man you were seven years ago.”
Yes, the mirror may mean that Tom’s next comeback will be in seven years: that’s a lot of IR under the bridge. Just ask any troll you find there.
You may dismiss superstition when you are the 1968 Mets, but you don’t go walking under a ladder and asking black cats to jump into your 50-yard line of vision.
Tom Brady should retire? Who’d have thunk it two weeks ago? But today, Tom looks like the man who smashed a mirror out of arrogance.
DATELINE: Through the Looking Glass
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, who is fairer than Tom Brady?
There’s always a young QB on the rise, living in the woods next to a huntsman waiting for a Heisman.
When the Patriot icon takes a hammer to smash his own image to bits in a looking glass on Facebook, we feel like Tiny Alice, ready to start chasing white rabbits.
Tom has turned into the Mad Hatter. Has he been inhaling mercury as part of his health regimen?
You don’t fool around with mirrors when you’ve had Botox treatments. You don’t smash your own image when you’ve spent plenty to achieve that boyish forever look that cost Somerset Maugham a whole lotta goat hormone treatments.
Tom Brady wants to show he can fly in the fickle face of fate. Madden Hatter 18, be damned.
Tom is a man of science—and he has put all his eggs into the basket of cosmetology, or is that cosmology?
We keep forgetting whenever we see a pretty face.
We cannot imagine Gronk or Julie E smashing a mirror. They know the price of good looks is too high to throw away. Tom has millions to burn, or his wife does.
We desperately hope Tom will not swap his ruby red slippers for a pair of Uggs. The Wicked Witch of the West, aka Roger Goodell, may be waiting along the Yellow Brick Road.
We hope Tom will drop that Brookline mansion on Goodell’s head. It may be his only salvation after the broken mirror crisis.