NFL Returns to Thrilling Days of Spygate

DATELINE:  Assassins at ESPN

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ESPN Reporter Sneaks Up on Robert Kraft

Having struck out with Deflategate, ESPN has renewed its vendetta against the New England Patriots. You’d almost think that ESPN was made up of former Jets players, sort of like the NFL headquarters.

ESPN has run its special hatchet job of the year as the season of football commences. They have returned to 2007 and Spygate to level a bunch of serious new charges against the Pats and Bill Belichick.

It ranges from stealing discarded game plans from dumpsters, to having flight manifests of his opponents sent to him to know who will be playing that week hours before it is officially announced.

It appears that 19 NFL teams want to blame their losing on the Patriots cheating rather than face the ugly truth that their teams choked.

How much easier it is to say that the Patriots bugged the opposing lockeroom to gain advantage of incoherent game plans. We have watched year and year and season after season to note how inept and stupid opposing coaches are.

Now we realize their stupidity comes from Bill Belichick having spiked the watercooler with dumb-ass pills.

Because some team fans are almost as stupid as their hometown teams, there are 19 visiting teams to Gillette who have total support in their ludicrous claims. Yes, how easy it is to have a scapegoat of “cheaters” rather than face the poor performance of mediocre players and hapless team managers.

ESPN has found the chink in the armor of NFL’s perennial nobodies. It is that they cannot admit their own inability to mount a decent effort against Belichick’s teams for the past 17 years.

If this is how the season will unfold, we may be ready to throw in our hand now.

Houston’s Antonio Smith & Delusions of Grandeur

 DATELINE: PARANOIA

Houston’s Antonio Smith knows exactly why his team has lost ten in a row after the Patriots came from behind to win another game.

He believes there is spying going on. Though he compared Bill Belichick to Nostradamus, he clearly believes there is something “fishy” going on with those Patriots.

He could not believe that his team could lose another game this season because a better team knew how to make adjustments.

Raising the ugly spectre of “Spygate” may be a way to provide comfort to the starving fans of Texans. It certainly is easier than actually winning games.

Casting the stigmata of cheating on Belichick is like putting frosting on an embarrassing loss. When we watched the game, we did not see the Patriot coach step onto the field to block a runner of the Texans (like Mike Timlin).

Nor did we see him spill water onto the field to stop the game (like Jason Kidd).  You’d almost think he threw cold water in the face of Antonio Smith.

Though the classic movie Miracle on 34th Street is popular this time of year, Smith believes that “miraculous” victories don’t happen to teams with the angels on their side. The Texans—or any team he plays for—must be favored by God and Country.

Smith is not afraid of taking on the big issues. Last season he had a contretemps with Richie Incognito. Antonio Smith will fight Goliath if you bring him into Reliant Stadium.

Smith later saw a flock of Baltimore Ravens flying over his head and had his cell phone checked for NSA spy probes. He believes that there was someone on the grassy knoll in Dallas again the other day, and knows UFOs are monitoring his every move.

Unless the NFL steps in for an intervention, Antonio Smith knows he is likely to be kidnapped by Somali pirates, just like Captain Phillips.  Just ask Pi Antonio, the new Walter Mitty.