Spitter Up for Clay Buchholz?



As the World Series is about to commence, the Red Sox have found a fly in their ointment.

Yes, the buzz is that Clay Buchholz is off his mattress again.

The unicorn of the Sox Glass Menagerie seems to have re-broken his horn. As you may recall, Clay hurt his shoulder by falling asleep the wrong way earlier this year. It resulted in three months on the disabled list.

Now after a semi-triumphant return to the starting rotation, he seems to be on the “Do Not Touch” list again. Another mysterious injury may keep Buchholz off the grass during this Series.

No one wants to put a curse on the happy days and string of feel good moments for the Sox, but if the dirty job falls to anyone, we are ready to take up pillow talk.

Clay apparently still sleeps without memory foam. His shoulder may be acting up like an exploding bottle of sparkling water dumped on his stringy locks. The air bubbles have given him the bends.

No one will go on record to state that Clay is not sleeping right, but what else could make his fast ball take a dip into watery cheese fondu territory? The mouse may take the cheese, but Dennis Eckersley will tell you the cheese takes the game.

With both Jarrod Saltalamacchia having more fluids on their heads than a spitball requires, both Clay and Jarrod have been adding a lemon spritzer to the repertoire of Buchholz’s pitch count all season.

Now with the national spotlight on them, the integrity of the game may be bringing the impressive statistics of Buchholz back down from the lemon/limelight.

The feats of Clay may not include a successful World Series start.

Juicy Balls: Clay Buchholz Doesn’t Spit on the Ball



According to one major league source up in the dominions of Canada during a Blue Jay game, Clay Buchholz was juicing.


Of course, we are not sure whether it is cranberry juice or orange juice.


Jack Morris, former big league pitcher, noticed that something is fishy in the delivery of Red Sox ace Clay Buchholz. In an age when players ingest odd substances to gain an edge, Morris contends that Clay has gone back in history to the spit ball.


According to a new theory, Clay is putting a foreign substance on the ball.


We notice that in the dugout between innings, Buchholz removes his cap and pours liquids over his long, stringy hair. It looks like he is sweating on the coldest nights. No, he isn’t.  


He is drip drying. But, hold on there, fans. What is this stuff he dumps on his head?  He then brushes his hand over his scraggly locks between pitches on the mound.


It would be laughable, but his primary catcher, Jarrod Saltalamacchia has taken to the same habit, ritual, or methodology, in the dugout. He dumps a bottle of Old Spit on his head and then goes out to catch the ball.


We presume Salty is just odd. After all, he paints his fingernails with whiteout to help the blind pitching staff see his wiggly fingers when he calls for an epheus pitch.


Whether the Sox pitchers and catcher are doctoring the ball, or whether the pitching staff is the best in Red Sox history, only a spitball catching umpire will tell.