DATELINE: Crotchety Smart
Marcus Smart of the Celtics was fined $15,000 for an obscene gesture aimed at the referees. Please, don’t shoot with the itchy trigger finger.
In a world of endless and myriad ways to convey an obscene gesture, we are usually left with a startling image in the highlight reel. However, no NBA videotape has been allowed to surface.
And, the reason is that Smart did something stupid. He grabbed his crotch. If there is a word seldom heard in the NBA, it is scrotum.
For the most part, everyone refers to balls. The bigger the better.
Now that seems miniscule in the scheme of big boys playing.
For all we know, poor Marcus Smart suffers daily from jock itch. It is entirely possible the ball passed to him was not properly dusted with Gold Bond Powder in the pregame rituals. Hence, he grabbed the offending part of his body.
He got game, and maybe he got crabs.
We hate to think of the heartbreak of psoriasis being at the root of Smart’s groin problem. Perhaps it is far worse than crabs. Maybe Marcus has scabies. There is an alarming crisis among scabies—and that pompadour ‘do with the golden tips is a sort of motel for those pesky pests.
In a world of mighty mites, the smaller men are known for ball handling—and perhaps he had a fistful of cooties in his flowing and airy pantaloons.
We can only think of the old adage about the crotch was full of fleas.
Is there no sympathy in the NBA for a young man suffering from overly active rash? Powder or liquid, Smart’s pubic requirement is Tinactin.