Fat Cells Unite!

DATELINE: When a Pound is not a Lb.

 Moby Trump?

Someone is not telling us the truth. The relative weight of blubber is not fluid.

According to Nero Trump’s latest physical exam, he stands 6’3” and weighs 244 pounds. This is a growth of height and weight since he became president.

When we looked at Ryan Allen, formerly of the New England Patriots, another athletic individual, he is listed as 6’3” and 230 pounds. Clearly someone has his numbers skewed.

When you look at a man 40 years younger than Trump, one expects to see more muscle. In this photo comparison, it is clear that Trump has more muscle around the ears and around the waist.

We think it cruel that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi believes that Ryan Allen is morbidly obese as she characterized a man who is tall and athletic. Oh, wait, she was calling Mr. Trump “morbidly obese.”

We must castigate the House Speaker because Trump is merely “clinically obese,” if we believe the poundage presented by his ever-truthful doctor.

It is not possible that Trump is 275 pounds, though his shape more naturally matches the size girth of NFL linemen more than a place kicker.

Trump defenders insist that the President’s fat cells have been photoshopped.  We think it is more possible that they have been distorted by hydroxy treatments. Couple that with the lack of exercise caused by his daily couch-watching habits determined by Fox TV binges, and you have put a bullseye on the below-the-belt hitting Democrats.

Clash of the Titans: Brady, Manning, & Belichick

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 Tom&Peyton

You may not see Peyton Manning as Medusa with a head full of squirming snakes, but Bill Belichick definitely knows a Gorgon when he sees one.

Zeus Belichick has been sending his son the half-mortal Perseus Brady into the breach now for a dozen years. You’d think they would have run out of tricks by now on how to behead the Medusa.

And mind you: the ability to defeat Peyton Medusa annually has something to do with smoke and mirrors. No wonder the Super Bowl always looks like a mighty small anticlimax every year.

There is more hype and campfire tall tales about Brady and Manning than there ever will be about Russell Wilson, Seattle’s Mr. Peabody and his hired assassin boy Richard Sherman.

You simply cannot compare simple animation to the big picture of mythology in the best CGI techniques of Tom Terrific.

Only humble Tom Brady will work as a backup punter’s holder. When rookie Ryan Allen went down with a shoulder injury, Tom Brady stepped up and bent over to hold the ball for Stephen Gostkowski (also doing his first career punt).

Yet, Brady is the Franchise, a valuable commodity, and we have not seen any other superstar quarterback holding his pinky out politely as he holds the football pigskin.

We doubt that Peyton Manning would do it. And, surely, not of the prima donna QBs of the new generation would sully their tattoos with such menial work. Colin Kaepernick is too busy kissing his bicep, and Andrew Luck is too busy ripping open his bodice in the endzone.

Only Tom Brady plays it like a humble mortal instead of a demigod.

 

 Literate Patriot fans will read Ossurworld’s two books on the Patriots in 2011 and 2012 in anticipation for this year’s edition. All books by William Russo are available on Amazon.com.