Montezuma’s Revenge on the Patriots?

 DATELINE: Over Trump’s Wall

 smashing mirror

All this week the New England Patriots have been in Mexico City, preparing for the big game on Sunday. Coach Bill Belichick is in heaven: he has avoided the New England media all week while in Mexico. For all we know, he may have been in Puerto Viagra, enjoying the sites.

It’s possible but coach Bill Belichick is worried about Montezuma‘s Revenge, which bears a strange resemblance to Roger Goodell’s Revenge. At the very least the Oakland Raiders, the opponents of the Trump Patriots, have played in Mexico City last year and may have a very large fan base among those on the wrong side of the Trump Wall.

We look with great expectation to see if the enormous crowd is that greeted Julian Edelman and Danny and Mendola this summer in the public relations video movie are indicative of Patriots’ support south of the border. Edelman felt like one of the Beatles, but he will not be on the field and has not made the trip.

As far as eating the local cusine, we know the Patriots bring their own boxed lunches wherever they go. You can never predict when the locals or illegal immigrants will poison the Trump supporters.

We hope none of the players and brush their teeth with tapwater. That’s only one of the problems when you’re 7500 feet up in the air.

We do expect Tom Brady to throw a lot of long balls There’s no need for deflation of the ball because it will go further even fully inflated in the super light air.

By flying in their own private jet, we have no worries that ICE troopers and Homeland Security Nazis will be bothering the Patriots. On top of that, you can count on the fact that they have a presidential pardon to escape customs and over those Trump Walls they will fly.

No wonder Jerry Jones is jealous of Robert ‘P***y’ Kraft.

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Mile High Has Enough Air for Patriots

 

DATELINE:  Like Peaches & Herb, Brady & Bennett Sing

Peaches & Herb

What used to give the Patriots the bends is now like air from a deflated football.

Denver used to send chills down the spine of their quarterback; now Tom Brady seems as home in the stadium as Peyton Manning where noise in the clouds hinders most.

With a convincing victory, it’s on to Mexico City where the air is half a mile thinner at 7000 feet. Thank you, Roger Goodell, for such a schedule. You deserve $50million per year and a private jet for life.

Now see if Jerry Jones has any intention of giving you anything more than the air out of a Tom Brady football.

The Pats seemed like their old selves in both defense and offense.

In terms of offense, despite the curse of the broken mirror, the more things change, the more it seems like last season. Why, bless our pointed heads, fans, but there on the field was Martellus Bennett, the original black unicorn.

Though facing surgery in Frost Bite Falls with the Packers and embroiled in legal issues, he was able to catch several Brady passes for great yardage, giving Gronk all he wanted for Christmas.

Von Miller, vaunted Denver defender, might exchange Instagram challenges with Tom Brady, as they did this week, but when push comes to shove, millennial photos on social media are not enough to sack Brady.

In terms of the dangerous seat next to Brady on the bench, vacant often this season since the disappearance of Julian Edelman, like the kidnapping of a Getty grandson, it found a new occupant.

Fearless of curses, and familiar as an old shoe, Brian Hoyer thought nothing of sitting next to Brady while the Denver offense sputtered on the field with their former great Manning replacement having returned to no avail and little consequence.

When it comes to homecoming reunions, no one does it better than the Patriots and Marty Bennett.

On to the deflated atmosphere of earthquaking Mexico City.

 

 

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Fake News & Real Champs

FORTHCOMING BOOK on 2016 New England Patriots

Available on Amazon.com as ebook for smart readers and in paperback for traditional readers!

fakenewskindle

We never expected our Patriot diary would be more than another exercise in Tomfoolery.

When we began recounting episodes on and off field in the summer of 2016, we had a glimmer of hope that Tom Brady might show his resolve toward the unfair treatment by the NFL and its suspension of him by winning ruthlessly.

We never imagined it would end like a Rocky movie.

Here is our datebook with high and low burlesque, funny and mean-spirited parody, all the ups and downs of a season of football with a group of disparate athletes moving toward one staggering goal.

In a way, this compendium of oddball exploits and commentaries will always return us to the memories of a season begun in adversity and ending in glory.

Like any comic book, this tale has superheroes and nasty villains. There is much stuff here of the Patriots with feats of clay. However, the ultimate measure will be chiseled in marble by the memories of fans.

Let us start this fairy tale with the immortal words….

“Once upon a time in a football galaxy near Foxboro….”roger-brady

Tofu Turkey Awards of 2016

DATELINE:  Losers, All

 tofu turkey

We’ve decided to announce this year’s Tofu Turkey Award winner at our Super Bowl party. How appropriate.

You’d think the year Trump won the presidency would be a year filled with turkeys, but you couldn’t touch the fake turkey dished out during this football season.

Our Nominees have not given a Meryl Streep-style speech to improve the odds of winning by bashing President Trump.

Without ado, here are this year’s candidates:

ROGER GOODELL.  Though he ought to be retired into the Hall of Shame of Tofu Turkeys, he is working hard, like Meryl Streep, at playing all kinds of roles and keeping tabs on his bloated salary as Commissioner of NFL crimes. He punishes the innocent and lets the guilty off the hook repeatedly.

LIBERAL ELECTION PROTESTERS.  Decrying the hate and intolerance of Trump supporters, these benighted dimwits epitomize the nature of hate and intolerance. We know better than to stand in front of a bunch of marching women. They’d throw out the US Constitution and the Electoral College with the decry baby’s bath water.

COMIC BOOK-BASED MOVIES.  Once again we have been inundated with superhero movies, from Suicide Squad to Batman v. Superman. We only wish the wasted billions of dollars to produce drivel had been spent on intelligent, original scripts. Call us if you want one.

DAVID ORTIZ.  He retired at the top of his game, but went around the Major League Baseball parks collecting accolades and heaped praise. He won just about every award in New England, and we felt he deserved a shot at being a Tofu Turkey for leaving the game of baseball while playing like a man in his prime.

MARCUS SMART.  The Celtics player with the most hairdo-do managed to make an oxymoron out of his own name by fighting with his coaches on the bench during a game—and storming off to the locker room in the fourth quarter. He’s a longshot with a career ahead of him equal to the insanity displayed by Rajon Rondo (retired into the Tofu Turkey Hall of Fame).

Vote early and often, but remember: the popular vote never wins.

 

Goodell Speaks to Media with Honest Duplicity

 DATELINE: Doing His Dirty Job

roger-brady

Roger Goodell held his pre-Super Bowl state of the NFL press conference earlier than usual—and the New England sports media was present with their swords unsheathed—and they let him have it with both barrels.  To mix our metaphors, as per usual.

Goodell parried with the best of them, coming out unscratched. We almost expected him to single out Boston press reporters and shout them down as representatives of fake news and homer toadies.

Instead, the Commissioner swallowed hard on several biting questions as he fed the public his usual drivel. He was happy with his decision to screw Tom Brady and would do it again in a heartbeat. We think the expression applied is “let the fans be damned.”

If the Patriots owners invite him to Foxboro, he will come with bells on and body guards on alert.

Goodell’s best shot at Boston fans included his paraphrasing of Bill Belichick’s mantra: ‘Do your job.’  Goodell insisted he was merely doing his job when he hit the fly with a sledgehammer.

We were reminded of President Trump’s opinion a year ago when he called Goodell “a dope.” In this latest contest of man v. media, the dope beat the dupes.

If you are keeping a roomful of billionaires happy and making $40m per year, we suspect “dope” is not the proper term to characterize the moral duplicity of Goodell.

So, the angry New England media never laid a hand on the kingpin who will be honored to bestow a Super Bowl trophy on Tom Brady—if the Goodell Goon Squad (aka referees) allow it to happen on Sunday at the Super Bowl.

TOM BRADY REJUVENATING SKIN CREAM

DATELINE: Fountain of Youth!

roger-brady Before  & After

You’ve seen the spectacular effects on TV. Now you too can own the secret formula that transforms Tom Brady from a broken down old man into a supermodel’s boytoy every week.

When collagen production and cell turnover have been compromised by age and sun damage, it can cause skin to sag. Our Trump product, Tom Brady LIFT Anti-Gravity skincare, you will look lifted, firm and rejuvenated.

Fine lines and deep wrinkles can be the result of our skin’s loss of collagen over time. Combat the look of collagen-depleted skin with Tom Brady skincare products— rigorously-tested by Gronk, Welkah, and Julie E, these formulas are proven to change the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

In the AM, combine one of our Brady products with an SPF product to moisturize and protect the skin. And in the PM, choose one of our Tom Brady night creams, to help smooth skin while you sleep. It also helps to wear Tom’s copper infused sleepware (sold separately).

Exposure to NFL rays can increase the appearance of skin discolorations and dark spots. They can also break down your skin’s elastin and collagen, resulting in sagging skin and uneven skin tone. You look like a man living in Manhattan and trying to run a major sports organization, handing out suspensions like they were trick or treat candy.

Every day, without fail, use a moisturizer formulated Tom Brady sunscreen with broad spectrum SPF. These skincare formulas help reduce the appearance of fine lines, wrinkles and discoloration and protect skin from future sun damage. It helps only to attend games played in stadiums with a roof and air conditioning.

Deep Wrinkle Serum

This anti-aging formula is clinically proven to help visibly reduce both fine lines and deep wrinkles. Don’t look like Roger Goodell. Turn the page and appear in public like Tom Brady, Superstar!

PROVEN TO BECOME MORE EFFECTIVE OVER TIME!

CLINICALLY PROVEN TO RESTORE THE LOOK OF ELASTICITY AND FIRMNESS WHEN THROWING TOUCHDOWNS TO CHRIS HOGAN!

SMOOTH THE LOOK OF DROPPED BALLS!

IMPROVE YOUR RADIANCE IN THE HARSH LIGHT OF THE END ZONE!

SPIKE LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

 

 

Goodell at Patriots Game on Sunday!

DATELINE: Fake Missing Person Solved

tom-teddy

Tom Gives Roger a Squeeze

Roger Goodell has upset New England fans by boycotting Gillette Stadium.

Who can blame him? He made his bed—and the air mattress is letting him down. He can’t go back to the Patriots home turf without something ugly and angry thrown his way.

Fans that banned him are now demanding he show up and take the proverbial medicine for his clownish behavior in punishing Tom Brady with a four-game suspension for alleged arrogance.

We are here to tell you that Roger Goodell will indeed be at the championship game on Sunday evening in quaint Foxboro.

Oh, you might say he is there through his hired executive idiot stand-in, name of Troy Vincent. Here’s a man who once played for the Jets and holds it against the Patriots.

You could say Goodell will be there through his referees. Like good soldiers, they will be obedient to the cause—likely finding as many penalties as possible to stop the Patriots dead, and Tom Brady dead a hundred times.

Goodell won’t be happy until Brady is physically assaulted and knocked out of the game—roughing the passer as a missed call.

Goodell will indeed be there to see this. You will sense his presence. He permeates the air. He permeates the air waves. Every commercial, money-making moment of the game belongs to him.

Goodell won’t be Marley’s ghost because Marley had a sense of altruism and fair play.  He won’t be there in the form of a ghost, but his spirit will dominate like a dank, dreary spectre.

Oh, you can count on it. Roger Goodell will be in Foxboro for the game.

You will feel him in every wind chill, in every odiferous and hackneyed penalty.  He will be there to deny the Patriots three times in Biblical tradition.

Goodell Cooks Data Again in NFL Pot

 DATELINE:  Commissioner Moriarty

Goodellfather

Every billionaire’s favorite mouthpiece, Roger Goodell, was at it again, at his usual press announcement bully pulpit

Goodell boasted, according to his cooked stats, that crime in the NFL is way down over the past three years. Yes, indeed, the number of child abusing, wife beating, gun toting, drunk driving players has been cut down to a mere 31 arrests this year. That is almost an average of one per team.

Not one mealy mouthed sports journalist dared to ask if that number included crimes like cheating, deflating footballs, or destroying evidence. Goodell kept that number down this year by refusing to acknowledge the Steelers deflated footballs against the Giants a few weeks ago.

The data did not include whether or not millionaire players had an incentive of a grandiose paycheck as their motivation to play nice.

Nor did Goodell answer the question of whether the NFL takes any responsibility for former, retired players who are involved in shootings, suicides, and domestic violence.

We want to know if the intelligence test scores of players, the notorious Wonderlick score taken at the annual Combine, revealed a corresponding decrease in intelligence among players. Nor did Goodell discuss the mental health clinic enrollees among the NFL players.

Goodell did not say whether his own moral duplicity, hypocrisy, and shady dealings, were included in NFL crime data.

Thank heavens that unsportsmanlike conduct is not a crime.

Robert Kraft Has Audience with Pope Trump

DATELINE:  Trump’s Kitchen Cabinet

 Trumped

Not two days after Jonathan Kraft stated that the New England Patriots did not endorse any candidate for President, owner Robert Kraft showed up at Trump Tower.  We suspect he did not show up for an audience with the Pope.

Speculation is rampant that Kraft will beg Trump not to offer Bill Belichick a position in the new Administration. Some sporty pundits believe Trump is greatly impressed with how Belichick handles the press and media.

The other possible candidate for a cabinet-level position is Tom Brady. Who can ever forget that Brady and Belichick’s names were used by Trump on election eve in New Hampshire? As a result, it was another New England state he lost overall.

Had he invoked the name of Lyin’ Crooked Roger Goodell, Trump might have won the popular vote.

Trump reportedly wants to name an openly gay man as UN ambassador. We are not sure if this lets out Brady or Sarah Palin.

There is now a petition circulating in Boston to move the Patriots to a red state, perhaps Cuba. Since Roger Goodell is for expanding the NFL into other countries, we suspect he wants Brady to be the NFL Man in Havana.

Liberal friends who have been on the sunny side of hysterical since election night now call to confirm their suspicions that the NFL is a racist, homophobic, misogynist organization.

Hell, we could have told you that after looking at the NFL police blotter.

But, the NFL does have a female referee in their appalling ranks of bad callers of pass interference.

Tom Brady’s Foot Locker tirade in a hilarious turn of the screw TV commercial will likely not be aired during NFL games. And, Goodell allegedly has nominated Tom for the Supreme Court, owing to all his legal experience over the past two years.

Goodell may receive what he wants, but not in the way he wants it.

Goodell & Public Misunderstanding

DATELINE: Miss Understanding, 2016

private moment

Now we understand the NFL.

According to Roger Goodell this week, the domestic violence policy of the NFL is misunderstood by the public. Oh, the ignorant fools of the hoi polloi are once again the true miscreants.

Yep, you, sir or madam, resident, member of the household, who buys NFL merchandise, watches the product, and spends thousands on going to games, YOU are the problem.

Apparently we can extrapolate and conclude that, according to the commissioner, the public misunderstanding is likely at the root of the Deflategate problem, the Spygate problem, and the problem of problems. Take that, Adrian Petersen. Your punishment, changing daily in the NFL office of discipline, is the public’s fault.

We are now seeing Goodell in his true dominatrix outfit, cracking the whip. No, wait, that’s a public misunderstanding. We should see Goodell as the sheriff of a lawless community—or is that the public misunderstanding?

Goodell thinks the general public misunderstood the domestic violence perpetrated by drunken Josh Brown of the Giants. We misunderstood because in the NFL, all abusers are men of color. They receive the strongest punishment—unless you are Tom Brady, then you receive the worst punishment.

We trusted the NFL. Clearly a public misunderstanding of trust. We trusted billionaire owners. Clearly we have a misunderstanding about the power of money.

Oh, the ratings are down for NFL games. It must be a public misunderstanding of football’s importance.

We are certain only of one thing. Wife-beaters are treated lightly, and criminals and ball deflators dominate the ranks of the NFL. Unfortunately for the sheriff, he cannot tell them apart without an expensive NFL program, for sale only to paying customers.

Contrary to Reports, Roger Goodell Lives!

 DATELINE: HAPPY VALLEY NFL

doomsday twilight zone

Reports of Roger Goodell’s death are greatly exaggerated.

However, he has been brain dead for some time. Fans who checked his tomb found it empty. A member of his staff claimed, “He is risen,” in the noonday sun, raising questions on whether Goodell was a mad dog or an Englishman.

A hacker took over the NFL website this week and posted the notice about the health of the Commissioner. It actually noted that Roger was not A-OK by insisting he had passed on fourth down.

Goodell has been a well-known zombie for several years now, probably commencing after he was concussed during Bullygate and suffered a professional hit during Bountygate.

The Commissioner’s office considers these reports to be over- inflated accounts by hacks in the Fourth Estate.

Some wags have noted that the NFL password was 1-2-3-4-5. It coincides with the number of fingers on one hand of the Commissioner, though some speculate he does not have a prehensile thumb.

A newly commissioned Wells Report will no doubt recommend that everyone could guess the password, more or less.

Combined with the recent loss of every player’s medical records going back to 2004, we suspect that someone has over-inflated the importance of security at the NFL.

The good news is that Tom Brady’s cell phone was not hacked while in possession of the NFL brain-trust.

This may be the big break Goodell has been waiting for. He can now claim that his four-game suspension of Tom Brady was the result of someone hacking into his account. He had actually fined Brady $50 for the hot air leak.

 

Roger Goodell Rejects Rule of Law

DATELINE: NFL Fantasy World

Depp Roger Goodell?

A whiz-bang pointed out that 500 days have passed since Deflategate was born. Its gestation period likely extends to the start of Tom Brady’s career, if Roger Goodell is believed.

This week Goodell said no one outside football should ever make any decisions when it came to the integrity of the game. Therefore, he told the en banc Circuit Court to go stuff it. He was the only judge, jury, and executioner he recognized in his fantasy football league.

We doubt the wisdom of this statement when the case is under review.

The Commissioner also said several attempts to settle the case were attempted previously—but that phase was over.

He did not specifically mention the proposal to have Tom Brady parade around the Meadlowleands naked in front of Jets fans. As might be expected, the NFLPA rejected this idea as well as Goodell’s suggestion that Brady’s ball were overinflated.

The Commissioner requested that Brady forego his left testicle to satisfy the NFL. “Why should Tom Brady be different from the Commissioner?” he reported said.

This 4-game suspension pregnancy has lasted longer than a hippo in heat. And, instead of a stillbirth, we have been subjected to the longest wait for a baptism since John the Baptist lost his head.

The Deflategate controvery lives on.

 

 

Brady Appeal: Money En Banc

DATELINE: Who do you Anti-Trust?

 

Brady beauty rest

It’s money in the bank for sure when the en banc Circuit Court of judges hears a case.

For Tom Brady, he may be inflating the stakes for the NFL. Raising them to the United States Supreme Court with the former Solicitor General soliciting a free pass for Tom is the stuff of anti-trust busting.

Having chosen a dangerous path, the fools supporting Roger Goodell (with billions behind them) may find themselves facing a court that wonders what kind of unleashed power these privileged owners have.

Whether or not Brady wins the en banc hearing on the Circuit Court level, he likely will head on down to Washington. He will have Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg as his first hurdle.

She hates big business taking advantage of individuals. So, you can count on her stalling the suspension this season—and putting Tom and his high powered attorneys on the docket.

Goodell and his Billionaire Boys Club had plenty of opportunities to settle this mess quietly, but their hubris was inflated beyond any football in August.

Now they may face some tough questions about enslaving and concussing the players on their plantation. In a world of billionaires, even millionaire players look like slave labor.

Ted Olson has said on national TV, “The facts here are so drastic, and so apparent, the court should rehear it.”

Yikes, Roger. What have you wrought?

Let Gronk Eat Cake from the NFL Bakery

let him eat cakeDATELINE: HAPPY RETURNS!

 

We love birthday cake!

It’s especially delicious after a couple of cleats have chopped up the delight into bite-size pieces.

Tom Brady wished his teammate and “my spirit animal” a happy 27th birthday on Facebook. Unlike some animals in the NFL, the Patriots spirit animal is a Flying Elvis—not some creature from the Black Lagoon or a Panther or Bronco.

There is no doubt whatsoever that Gronk has changed his aging quarterback with a dose of evergreen sprouts in his diet, or was that anatomic white gold?  Tom is turning the clock back to the thrilling days of yesteryear—when he too was 27.

Posting a picture of the action heroes on his website, TB12 is popping into the arms of the free spirit. His popover is a birthday cake, and unlike a stripper—he provides a fully uniformed QB at the top of his game. Alas, the cake is missing four tiers.

We are now watching the finely tuned machine that will come to a crashing halt for four games if the NFL has its way. Roger Goodell is the fly in the ointment, and he is the unknown ingredient in the birthday cake.

Eat it at your own risk.

You can blow out all the candles you want to wish Goodell would go away, but the lack of air in your lungs may be as deflated as the footballs the NFL is using to punish Tom Brady.

Gronk’s birthday cake is being made by the bakery of Roger Goodell where the ovens are either too cold or too hot—and every celebratory cake has a missing ingredient. Your official tasters are corrupt referees.