New England Patriots Blow Up Twitter and NFL!

DATELINE:  2-Headed Monsters!

First Rosey Grier, Now This!

Once again, the New England Patriots have turned this blogger into Al Pacino in Godfather 3.  Every time we try to get out, they pull us back in.

This marks the second, or perhaps third, season we will not do a Patriots book on the season: main reason is economic, mostly because Patriot fans can’t read and don’t buy books. The other reason has to do with personal sanity.

Not since Rosey Grier and Ray Milland played one man with two heads have we seen anything as horrific. It was 1972, and the movie was The Thing with Two Heads!

And now Bill Belichick and Tom Brady have done the impossible: they have doubled the combustion factor on their Super Bowl team. Perhaps they like challenges, or perhaps they are fire bugs. The horrid monster of Belichick & Brady has found a mate.

Tom Brady is about to pour kerosene on top of the two most flammable players in NFL:  Josh Gordon and now Antonio Brown. These Bobsey Twins could bring down governments if they were involved in Brexit.

They would be hurricanes that would defy Category 5 and find themselves the objects of Trump’s madhouse White House sharpie.

Indeed, we expect a presidential tweet pardoning anyone writer who sets the tandem on a course to blow up records of pass catching and yardage.

Since Bob Kraft is owner of the Patriots, you might be a cynic and say this will permanently prove that there is no video of Kraft in a massage parlor, as it has been destroyed in an explosion of Tom Brady inflated footballs.

This makes Deflategate look like inflation pumped up to extremes that the football will look like the Goodyear Blimp in the endzone for Patriot fans.

We may now watch a few games after this Near Earth Object/asteroid crashes into Planet Foxboro.

 

Sexual Politics from Trump Slime

 DATELINE: Move Over, Mayor Pete!

scream up close Moral Outrage Endangered?

If you are among the throngs who wonder what the hell is wrong with Senator Lindsay Graham, we may now have a theory to postulate.

This week another Trump plot was under-covered:  his rich minions who lack all forms of ethical integrity and moral accountability, came up with a plan to use a Republican college student in a Kevin Spacey kind of smear of Democrat Mayor Pete.

The student, who has some integrity, named Hunter Kelly charged the operatives in the Roger Stone manner, of recruiting him to make charges that Mayor Pete raped him. That’s how you deal with gay candidates, or anyone, by making false witness.

Never mind that it is low on the broken Ten Commandments. When you are dealing with Trump supporters, convenience outweighs all else. It is easy for them to swallow, not spit out, the poison.

The same slime-balls used a similar attempt with Robert Mueller, accusing him of being photographed kissing James Comey. It would be laughable if the tweet didn’t come from the Number One Idiot of the country.

Which leads us back to Lindsay Graham. We suspect, and it is a suspicion, that he too is being blackmailed by the super-rich Trump types: they have an affidavit by some cute little Republican college boy who claims Graham assaulted him.

It is the easiest and simplest way to control a closet-case United States senator.

We know sexual politics is alive and well lately: look at the Trump supporters like Robert Kraft, now fighting charges of consorting with prostitutes. The proof is in the video, which was made a few blocks from Trump’s golf hole White House in Florida.

So, Lindsay Graham may be the goose whose gander at Mayor Pete and Robert Mueller could render us insights into the nasty backside of Trump’s gang, which is a broad base.

 

 

 

 

Solicitations from Robert Kraft

 DATELINE:  Time to Call a Solicitor General

Mr. Kraft to you Known for Kissing His Players.

No, it’s not quite like receiving an invitation to a Super Bowl party, or even having a greeting from Santa Claus. You are accused of soliciting prostitutes, Mr. Kraft.

Owner and billionaire Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots has been charged by Florida police for entering a massage parlor and wanting more than a happy ending to the Patriots season.

At an age when most of his contemporaries are dead, 77-year old Mr. Kraft has shown a spark of life. We are not sure if we should wink and nod or congratulate him on enjoying whatever days are left to him. Another arrested user of masseuses is pushing 90, according to the published hit list.

Kraft apparently is using a service supplied by Chinese women who are essentially prisoners of the sex trade, kept under lock and key in a massage parlor to do the bidding of a stream of men.

Alas, the entire concept of sex workers is dubious. Unless there is criminal exploitation, we might well wonder why police haven’t found more important work than setting up candid cameras to catch your grandfather in flagrante delicto.

Are there no school shooters? Are there no gun nuts in the Coast Guard? Why are we focused on massage parlors?

Kraft was caught with his pants down on video apparently, according to some. In the tradition of Jussie Smollett, he is denying any transgression.

The massage parlor is only a few miles from the winter White House, and Kraft’s old pal to sex charges, the President of the United States, is even weighing in on the incident. We know Trump prefers to grab women’s crotches without paying by his own admission.

We may well scratch our head at why a billionaire septuagenarian would pay $75 for an hour’s dangerous liaison when he could have someone come to any private place of his bidding for a few more bucks.

We are of two minds: should we praise him and offer a medal for doing what most men his age can only wish?

Or should we prepare for the inevitable tombstone chiseling that will make this his last notorious act in a life of philanthropy and goodwill?

The ultimate profit goes to the media: this is not a game for gentlemen. Call your solicitor if you plan a trip to the massage parlor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom, Giselle, Boris & Natasha!

DATELINE: Met Gala Stun Guns Again

Tom, Giselle, Boris, Natasha

Yes, right after the Kentucky Derby “and they’re off—” comes the notorious Met Gala in New York where the show horses and would-be celebrities fall all over themselves on the red carpet.

Yes, on the heels of the bizarre nature of Westworld’s second season comes Evan Rachel Wood, Kim Karadasian, and Elon Musk, on the red carpet.

Our favorite had to be Tom Brady, erstwhile ageless quarterback and his wife (the billionaire), looking like refugees from 1960s Gilligan’s Island. Indeed, you had to wonder if Jonathan Nolan had produced the glitzy extravaganza as a means to publicize his TV HBO weirdo series.

You can’t tell the androids from the guests.

What Tom Brady has had to do to cause his wife to agree to let him play for two more seasons? You have only to look at his outfit as the twosome cavorted with other Barbie and Ken dolls.

Yes, Tom is wearing nail polish. You can’t see the multi-colored nail polish on his feet. And he looks like he is storing botox in his cheeks. Yet, the rash comments that he and wife look like James Bond villains is a tad off-the-mark.

Tom is not auditioning to play Dr. No, nor Goldfinger. He is acting like a friendly Russian that would charm President Donald Trump, whose hair would have fit right in on the red carpet.

Tom and Giselle came across as Boris and Natasha, those 1960s spies who gave Bullwinkle Gronk and Julian the Flying Squirrel fits.

Halloween comes early. However, we did see Patriots owner Robert Kraft and his young Baby Mama. To our shock, Kraft was NOT wearing his blue collar/white shirt. He did have de rigueur tennis shoes with his tux.

You have to love insanity with money.

 

 

Montezuma’s Revenge on the Patriots?

 DATELINE: Over Trump’s Wall

 smashing mirror

All this week the New England Patriots have been in Mexico City, preparing for the big game on Sunday. Coach Bill Belichick is in heaven: he has avoided the New England media all week while in Mexico. For all we know, he may have been in Puerto Viagra, enjoying the sites.

It’s possible but coach Bill Belichick is worried about Montezuma‘s Revenge, which bears a strange resemblance to Roger Goodell’s Revenge. At the very least the Oakland Raiders, the opponents of the Trump Patriots, have played in Mexico City last year and may have a very large fan base among those on the wrong side of the Trump Wall.

We look with great expectation to see if the enormous crowd is that greeted Julian Edelman and Danny and Mendola this summer in the public relations video movie are indicative of Patriots’ support south of the border. Edelman felt like one of the Beatles, but he will not be on the field and has not made the trip.

As far as eating the local cusine, we know the Patriots bring their own boxed lunches wherever they go. You can never predict when the locals or illegal immigrants will poison the Trump supporters.

We hope none of the players and brush their teeth with tapwater. That’s only one of the problems when you’re 7500 feet up in the air.

We do expect Tom Brady to throw a lot of long balls There’s no need for deflation of the ball because it will go further even fully inflated in the super light air.

By flying in their own private jet, we have no worries that ICE troopers and Homeland Security Nazis will be bothering the Patriots. On top of that, you can count on the fact that they have a presidential pardon to escape customs and over those Trump Walls they will fly.

No wonder Jerry Jones is jealous of Robert ‘P***y’ Kraft.

Fill in the Blanks for “P***y”

 DATELINE:  Vocabulary Lesson for Jerry Jones & Media

3some

This week Jerry Jones has tested our ability to play both Scrabble and do crossword puzzles. The owner of the Dallas Cowboys, mired deeply in a feud with Roger Goodell, reportedly called fellow owner Robert Kraft a mysterious name in regard to the Patriots owner’s inability to stand up to Goodell on Deflategate.

The media has given us a maddening clue by leaving out key letters of the word.

The media has also plastered the word over the airwaves, cable wires, and water-cooler discussions for men who live dangerously around women nowadays.  For those who are fans of President Trump, the word may ring familiar, as he used the epithet (if that’s what it is) during his campaign against women.

In case you are wondering what the cryptic word is, we have gone to our cryptologist’s handbook to discern “P—y.”

In some more colorful stories the spelling is “p***y.”  We always opt for the asterisk over the hyphen as part of our training as a literary critic.

We didn’t have to run to our crossword puzzle dictionary for the Sunday New York Times to be able to figure out what Jerry Jones and President Trump have said.  The options are clear.

It is likely that Mr. Jones called Kraft “pasty.” This is ironical, if only because Jones is even more sun-deprived than Kraft, playing as it were mostly indoors at his stadium. We think Kraft is fairly pasty on his own too.

Another option is “puffy.”  We have heard Sean Combs has discarded this sobriquet lately—and it is available to be put on Kraft who takes a paternal interest in his players, hence “Puffy Daddy.”

However, we realize soon enough that the best likelihood is another word: “Putty.”  Yes, Kraft was putty in the hands of Goodell, and is pliable to the whims of the fans.

You say tomato, and we say “tomahto.” You say “P***y” and we say, “Putty.”  Let’s call the whole thing off before our vocabulary descends into the tone-deaf style of NFL fans in general.

Kraft Talks & Fake News Outlets Listen!

 DATELINE:  Billions for Defense

Mr. Kraft to you .jpg Call him Mr. Kraft

Mr. Robert Kraft, as he is known socially around Boston, is now in Phoenix for the NFL meetings. And, he is talking—and talking up a storm.

You will always recognize Bob Billionaire Kraft. He’s the man with the two-tone dress shirts, Brooks Brothers suit, and tennis shoes. Yes, money does have its privilege.

This week he had plenty to say when asked by word hungry media members. You have located the diametric opposite of Bill Belichick in the owner of the New England Patriots.

In a world of football secrets, Bob Kraft is the Edward Snowden of pigskin privacy.

So, what’s up?  Well, Tom Brady will play for seven more years—or until the locusts descend on Foxboro. It’s all right, fans. He’s a GOAT, though Kraft is not a fan of avocado ice cream.

Kraft wants to keep Bill Belichick happy with long life and many championships.  He promised to maintain Swami Belichick on a health regime so he can coach for twenty more years.

The Patriots owner has no intention of trading Malcolm Butler, his unhappiest player, because he is so nice and Kraft likes him. It seems to be the Golden Rule of football ownership.

Though he is Emperor of Gillette Stadium, Kraft must keep a suite ready for Roger Goodell in case he chooses to show up. So, Mr. Kraft is noting that Goodell is welcome to come since the owner has no choice but to say so. Indeed, on the other hand, he believes the Super Bowl victory LI vindicates his entire team—and humiliates Goodell.

There’s an olive branch laced with hemlock.

And, oh, yes, he’d also welcome former Jet Darrelle Revis back to the Patriots—just for good measure.

The Man Who Came to Trump’s Dinner

DATELINE: Mr. X Dines with Trump & Kraft

mystery-guest

A mystery dinner guest has confounded the sports world.

President Donald Trump and his wife Melania hosted Japan’s Prime Minister and his wife. Also along for the dim sum is Patriots’ billionaire Robert Kraft.

Mr. Kraft’s date for the night is an unknown, burly man, presumed by most to be another member of the billionaire’s club.

The New York Times and even the New York Post were in the dark as to the man who came to dinner. In an effort to keep up the spirit of fake news, we believe we can offer some suggestions.

The highest authority informs us that it is not Tom Brady because Melania and Tom’s wife Giselle Bundchen will not stand for the same Polaroid.

We know too that the mystery man is not Martellus Bennett, LaGarrette Blount, or Devin McCourty who refuse to be in the same picture with President Trump.

We have ruled out any of the federal Circuit Court judges whose stupidity is well-known to President Trump.

It is possible this guest is the man supposed to pick up the dinner tab. However, sources are indicating that this unknown man is Donald Trump’s Official Food Taster.

This is a position that serves both in the National Security and in the Kitchen Cabinet. We have heard that he is not yet confirmed by the Senate, but he is on the job—eating up a storm before the President does.

Trump Takes Call from Tom Brady

 DATELINE: Inaugural & Super Bowl LI

Trumped

At the pre-Inauguration Dinner for billionaire friends of the new President of the United States, there sat a man who should be in the Cabinet with 9 other billionaires.

We refer to Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots.

He was not overlooked by the new Prez who heaped praise on the Patriots during his post-dinner speech.

He wished luck to the man with the great quarterback, great coach, and fairly much claimed it was a lock to go to the Super Bowl. It’s the kind of stuff that makes American great again, if you agree with Mr. Trump.

President Trump was not done by any means. He singled out Coach Swami Belichick for his work ethic—and pointed out that it was that style of work that led to the victory for Trump.

In days of yore, if the President took time out of his busy schedule to talk to you on the phone, it was a big deal. Today, if Tom Brady takes time to pick up that smartphone and call, the President-Elect is thrilled.

He also noted to the agreeable crowd that Tom Brady had called him earlier in the day—apparently after practice where his game face has made him a grumbling meanie.

Tom told the new President that he was good to go. Alas, Tom cannot attend the Inauguration—but we will not be surprised if the President attends Super Bowl LI and sits in the celebrity apprentice box to root on his friends on the Patriots.

 

 

 

 

Robert Kraft Has Audience with Pope Trump

DATELINE:  Trump’s Kitchen Cabinet

 Trumped

Not two days after Jonathan Kraft stated that the New England Patriots did not endorse any candidate for President, owner Robert Kraft showed up at Trump Tower.  We suspect he did not show up for an audience with the Pope.

Speculation is rampant that Kraft will beg Trump not to offer Bill Belichick a position in the new Administration. Some sporty pundits believe Trump is greatly impressed with how Belichick handles the press and media.

The other possible candidate for a cabinet-level position is Tom Brady. Who can ever forget that Brady and Belichick’s names were used by Trump on election eve in New Hampshire? As a result, it was another New England state he lost overall.

Had he invoked the name of Lyin’ Crooked Roger Goodell, Trump might have won the popular vote.

Trump reportedly wants to name an openly gay man as UN ambassador. We are not sure if this lets out Brady or Sarah Palin.

There is now a petition circulating in Boston to move the Patriots to a red state, perhaps Cuba. Since Roger Goodell is for expanding the NFL into other countries, we suspect he wants Brady to be the NFL Man in Havana.

Liberal friends who have been on the sunny side of hysterical since election night now call to confirm their suspicions that the NFL is a racist, homophobic, misogynist organization.

Hell, we could have told you that after looking at the NFL police blotter.

But, the NFL does have a female referee in their appalling ranks of bad callers of pass interference.

Tom Brady’s Foot Locker tirade in a hilarious turn of the screw TV commercial will likely not be aired during NFL games. And, Goodell allegedly has nominated Tom for the Supreme Court, owing to all his legal experience over the past two years.

Goodell may receive what he wants, but not in the way he wants it.

More Baloney from Fox Sports on Brady and Kraft

DATELINE: Liberal Fox Sports?

Fox Sports Dunking the Tea Party?

 

For those with an interest in believe it or don’t, Fox Sports struck out again with a new way to insult Patriot fans and attack Tom Brady and his owner.

Some writer called Arielle Aronson, a pseudonym if you ever chose one, complained that Patriot fans were incensed that Robert Kraft and Tom Brady consider Donald Trump a friend.

Now, the article went on to interview a handful of voters from the “liberal leaning fan base” of the Patriots to criticize Tom and Kraft for not studying the issues or disappointing their fans.

Of course, the writer failed to notice that Trump won in Massachusetts with about 50% of the vote. It seems like there are fewer liberal leaners in Massachusetts than in horseshoes.

People angry with the system seem to support Trump—and Deflategate seems to make many fans angry with the system of the NFL.

Kraft and Brady did not actually express support for Trump, nor did they claim to vote for him. They said he was an intensely loyal friend who had stood by them in dark days, which was greatly appreciated.

Why would that incense Patriot fans? The sort of people this writer spoke to (if they aren’t her relatives) probably are not football fans (Neanderthals to liberals) or Patriot fans (who can’t tell a tea party from a Tea Party bag).

A few anti-Trump people feared that Brady and Kraft had unusual powers over the weak-willed fans and could influence the way they vote.

So, this resulted in a headline worthy of our best trolling efforts that claimed fans were blasting the Patriots.

‘Mystery’ Illness Replacements for the New England Patriots

DEADLINE: Next Man Up

  Typhoid Mary in Mufti

The big show down now has the awful possibility that untested Jimbo Garoppolo could replace Tommy Brady– as it occurred 16 years ago when untested Brady played understudy to injured Drew Bledsoe.

History has an ironic and cruel way of asserting itself.

Only the coach remains constant. We doubt that Bill will go down with injury, though the Bubonic Plague that felled Jamie Collins and now Brady could next strike down Belichick as senior citizens are particularly vulnerable.

Next man up would be Josh McDaniels. Of course, Belichick is an iron man and has not missed a down of play since he took over the club in the last century.

The worst that has befallen Coach Belichick has been an occasional cold sore, but when this occurs, he bites his lip and suffers through the pain to maintain his perfect coaching record.

The Patriots might consider calling Bill Parcells out of retirement if ever Belichick came under the weather. After all, it would only be fair to give Parcells a shot at winning his job back. It was Belichick who came in to replace Parcells so long ago after the national nightmare of Pete Carroll.

The only fate worse than losing Belichick to a mystery illness would be to lose owner Robert Kraft to cold sores. What would the team do if the billionaire owner was not in his box with son Jonathan by his side to shore up the look of winning?

We feel secure as long as Kraft wears blue collar dress shirts, as the blue collar seems to exude some miracle drug to keep Kraft from developing the dreaded ring around the collar. If ever he wore a standard shirt collar, there could be hell to pay the tailor.

For the loss of a nail in the horseshoe, the battle and then the war is lost. We must remember that every cog in the Patriot operation is pivotal to the success of the dynasty.

The next man up may be the Typhoid Mary of the team.

We dread the certain horror of “mystery” illness.

 

Party Ties Between Deflategate Principals

DATELINE: Appearances

Featured imageMore Twilight Zone Moments

Well, if it doesn’t become more like Alice in Wonderland every day.

Now we learn that over Labor Day, Robert Kraft—a party animal if we ever saw one—was down in the Hamptons for a little soiree with a few hundred famous people. He rubbed elbows with Katie Couric, Dan Abrams, Oprah Winfrey—and, gulp, Judge Richard Berman.

Yes, that’s the man who a few days earlier decided the Deflategate case in favor of Tom Brady and the NFLPA.

We aren’t one to say that one should avoid even the appearance of impropriety, collusion, conspiracy, or trouble, but the Patriots seem hellbent on making matters worse at every turn.

The Patriots organization and PR machine noted that it was true that Kraft and Judge Berman exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes.

We’ve been at those parties and a few whispered words can carry powerful messages in a public place. Heavens, how stupid can Berman or Kraft be?  Did they think the New York Daily News or Post would ignore this little handshaking.

In a world where mountains grow from molehills overnight, this smacked of smell-o-vision.

No photographs have emerged yet, only a dozen witness accounts.

As a supporter of Brady and the Patriots, this only leaves us slightly queasy, forced into an enclave and defensive mode once again.

It could be worse. We could find Tom’s plastic surgeon handing out business cards and Giselle planting a kiss on Judge Berman at the same party. Nothing would surprise us nowadays when Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton—and Tom Brady keeps one of Donald Trump’s red “Make America Great Again” caps in his Gillette Stadium locker.

Fiery Dictators like Goodell Are a Present Danger

 DATELINE: FIRE in the HOLE

 

Featured imageTin Plate Dictators are All Alike

The last time goose-stepping goons in the employ of a power mad dictator went ballistic, they burned down the Reichstag in Berlin.

Tom Brady should double security around his mansion in Brookline, in case the NFL arsonists are afoot.

Owner Robert Kraft has just had the smelling salts removed from his nostrils—and he is now finding the Deflategate punishment “unfathomable,” and he wonders why he could have ever put his faith in the league (and you, Mr. Goodell). Yeah, we wonder the same thing.

Kraft is the kind of man who has previously admitted he is easily duped. It looks like history has repeated itself, Mr. Kraft.

A few pundits are claiming that this minor fracas over a psi is now part of something greater and far more sinister. It seems to be an action worthy of Caligula and Nero put together. Are we back to burning down Gillette Stadium while Mr. Goodell fiddles away his $44m salary for 2015?

Brady now blames the character assassins for their shoddy attack when, like Edward Snowden, Brady is defending all Americans and their liberties to have their private phone calls remain private from illegal and intrusive listeners. Are you listening, Mr. Goodell?

Other pundits say that Brady is playing with fire. In a sworn affidavit, Brady would be in double jeopardy! How can he be in any more jeopardy than with a judge, jury, and prosecutor all rolled into one package: the Commissioner.

The NFL is desperately filing lawsuits against Brady!

Goodell knows something about home field advantage, and he wants to prevent Brady and the Players Union from finding a judge who is a Patriot fan.

In the meantime, we hope Tom Brady will pursue the scorched earth policy—as we recall from history, only when tyrants are removed will the world be a safe place.

Money Doesn’t Talk to Roger Goodell

DATELINE: Billionaire Acres

Featured image

Roger Goodell was cornered by an inept reporter at the notorious Sun Valley, Idaho, Billionaire’s Club meeting this week. He must be an honorary member, or went as Bob Kraft’s date.

Oh, crafty old Bob Krafty never misses these social events. It’s an opportunity to rub shoulders and pick pockets of other bubble-headed billionaires.

You have more than sports moguls traipsing around the snowless grounds of a great ski town in mid-summer. You have Facebook, Amazon, and other major corporation movers and shakers. Apparently there are few places billionaires can go to take the pulse of their fellow control freaks.

Have they come together to discuss Tom Brady and Delfategate?

Well, an enterprising reporter there seemed oblivious to other major cultural and political decisions that may be coming out of such a meeting. We may be witnessing how money talks.

However, sports takes precedence over all else. The reporter asked her question of Roger Goodell about the Patriots owner, but had to receive a stagewhisper prompt from one of the other losers among the winners. She couldn’t recall Kraft’s name.

Instead, she asked Goodell when he was making a decision on Deflategate and if he discussed it with his good buddy, Bob Kraft, during their perambulations.

Goodell was non-plussed, as befits a millionaire among billions.

He tried to be affable, but stopped to throw out a few bon mots to the hoi polloi. He noted that he had not discussed the major scandal of trivial proportions with the owner of the Patriots. He also said, to the mouth-watering semi-journalists who cover such events, that he could have a decision next week.

How the trivial has become the dominant issue! Do we think Goodell is hearing that he has made a molehill a mountain big enough for Sun Valley?