Tom, Giselle, Boris & Natasha!

DATELINE: Met Gala Stun Guns Again

Tom, Giselle, Boris, Natasha

Yes, right after the Kentucky Derby “and they’re off—” comes the notorious Met Gala in New York where the show horses and would-be celebrities fall all over themselves on the red carpet.

Yes, on the heels of the bizarre nature of Westworld’s second season comes Evan Rachel Wood, Kim Karadasian, and Elon Musk, on the red carpet.

Our favorite had to be Tom Brady, erstwhile ageless quarterback and his wife (the billionaire), looking like refugees from 1960s Gilligan’s Island. Indeed, you had to wonder if Jonathan Nolan had produced the glitzy extravaganza as a means to publicize his TV HBO weirdo series.

You can’t tell the androids from the guests.

What Tom Brady has had to do to cause his wife to agree to let him play for two more seasons? You have only to look at his outfit as the twosome cavorted with other Barbie and Ken dolls.

Yes, Tom is wearing nail polish. You can’t see the multi-colored nail polish on his feet. And he looks like he is storing botox in his cheeks. Yet, the rash comments that he and wife look like James Bond villains is a tad off-the-mark.

Tom is not auditioning to play Dr. No, nor Goldfinger. He is acting like a friendly Russian that would charm President Donald Trump, whose hair would have fit right in on the red carpet.

Tom and Giselle came across as Boris and Natasha, those 1960s spies who gave Bullwinkle Gronk and Julian the Flying Squirrel fits.

Halloween comes early. However, we did see Patriots owner Robert Kraft and his young Baby Mama. To our shock, Kraft was NOT wearing his blue collar/white shirt. He did have de rigueur tennis shoes with his tux.

You have to love insanity with money.

 

 

Montezuma’s Revenge on the Patriots?

 DATELINE: Over Trump’s Wall

 smashing mirror

All this week the New England Patriots have been in Mexico City, preparing for the big game on Sunday. Coach Bill Belichick is in heaven: he has avoided the New England media all week while in Mexico. For all we know, he may have been in Puerto Viagra, enjoying the sites.

It’s possible but coach Bill Belichick is worried about Montezuma‘s Revenge, which bears a strange resemblance to Roger Goodell’s Revenge. At the very least the Oakland Raiders, the opponents of the Trump Patriots, have played in Mexico City last year and may have a very large fan base among those on the wrong side of the Trump Wall.

We look with great expectation to see if the enormous crowd is that greeted Julian Edelman and Danny and Mendola this summer in the public relations video movie are indicative of Patriots’ support south of the border. Edelman felt like one of the Beatles, but he will not be on the field and has not made the trip.

As far as eating the local cusine, we know the Patriots bring their own boxed lunches wherever they go. You can never predict when the locals or illegal immigrants will poison the Trump supporters.

We hope none of the players and brush their teeth with tapwater. That’s only one of the problems when you’re 7500 feet up in the air.

We do expect Tom Brady to throw a lot of long balls There’s no need for deflation of the ball because it will go further even fully inflated in the super light air.

By flying in their own private jet, we have no worries that ICE troopers and Homeland Security Nazis will be bothering the Patriots. On top of that, you can count on the fact that they have a presidential pardon to escape customs and over those Trump Walls they will fly.

No wonder Jerry Jones is jealous of Robert ‘P***y’ Kraft.

Fill in the Blanks for “P***y”

 DATELINE:  Vocabulary Lesson for Jerry Jones & Media

3some

This week Jerry Jones has tested our ability to play both Scrabble and do crossword puzzles. The owner of the Dallas Cowboys, mired deeply in a feud with Roger Goodell, reportedly called fellow owner Robert Kraft a mysterious name in regard to the Patriots owner’s inability to stand up to Goodell on Deflategate.

The media has given us a maddening clue by leaving out key letters of the word.

The media has also plastered the word over the airwaves, cable wires, and water-cooler discussions for men who live dangerously around women nowadays.  For those who are fans of President Trump, the word may ring familiar, as he used the epithet (if that’s what it is) during his campaign against women.

In case you are wondering what the cryptic word is, we have gone to our cryptologist’s handbook to discern “P—y.”

In some more colorful stories the spelling is “p***y.”  We always opt for the asterisk over the hyphen as part of our training as a literary critic.

We didn’t have to run to our crossword puzzle dictionary for the Sunday New York Times to be able to figure out what Jerry Jones and President Trump have said.  The options are clear.

It is likely that Mr. Jones called Kraft “pasty.” This is ironical, if only because Jones is even more sun-deprived than Kraft, playing as it were mostly indoors at his stadium. We think Kraft is fairly pasty on his own too.

Another option is “puffy.”  We have heard Sean Combs has discarded this sobriquet lately—and it is available to be put on Kraft who takes a paternal interest in his players, hence “Puffy Daddy.”

However, we realize soon enough that the best likelihood is another word: “Putty.”  Yes, Kraft was putty in the hands of Goodell, and is pliable to the whims of the fans.

You say tomato, and we say “tomahto.” You say “P***y” and we say, “Putty.”  Let’s call the whole thing off before our vocabulary descends into the tone-deaf style of NFL fans in general.

Kraft Talks & Fake News Outlets Listen!

 DATELINE:  Billions for Defense

Mr. Kraft to you .jpg Call him Mr. Kraft

Mr. Robert Kraft, as he is known socially around Boston, is now in Phoenix for the NFL meetings. And, he is talking—and talking up a storm.

You will always recognize Bob Billionaire Kraft. He’s the man with the two-tone dress shirts, Brooks Brothers suit, and tennis shoes. Yes, money does have its privilege.

This week he had plenty to say when asked by word hungry media members. You have located the diametric opposite of Bill Belichick in the owner of the New England Patriots.

In a world of football secrets, Bob Kraft is the Edward Snowden of pigskin privacy.

So, what’s up?  Well, Tom Brady will play for seven more years—or until the locusts descend on Foxboro. It’s all right, fans. He’s a GOAT, though Kraft is not a fan of avocado ice cream.

Kraft wants to keep Bill Belichick happy with long life and many championships.  He promised to maintain Swami Belichick on a health regime so he can coach for twenty more years.

The Patriots owner has no intention of trading Malcolm Butler, his unhappiest player, because he is so nice and Kraft likes him. It seems to be the Golden Rule of football ownership.

Though he is Emperor of Gillette Stadium, Kraft must keep a suite ready for Roger Goodell in case he chooses to show up. So, Mr. Kraft is noting that Goodell is welcome to come since the owner has no choice but to say so. Indeed, on the other hand, he believes the Super Bowl victory LI vindicates his entire team—and humiliates Goodell.

There’s an olive branch laced with hemlock.

And, oh, yes, he’d also welcome former Jet Darrelle Revis back to the Patriots—just for good measure.

The Man Who Came to Trump’s Dinner

DATELINE: Mr. X Dines with Trump & Kraft

mystery-guest

A mystery dinner guest has confounded the sports world.

President Donald Trump and his wife Melania hosted Japan’s Prime Minister and his wife. Also along for the dim sum is Patriots’ billionaire Robert Kraft.

Mr. Kraft’s date for the night is an unknown, burly man, presumed by most to be another member of the billionaire’s club.

The New York Times and even the New York Post were in the dark as to the man who came to dinner. In an effort to keep up the spirit of fake news, we believe we can offer some suggestions.

The highest authority informs us that it is not Tom Brady because Melania and Tom’s wife Giselle Bundchen will not stand for the same Polaroid.

We know too that the mystery man is not Martellus Bennett, LaGarrette Blount, or Devin McCourty who refuse to be in the same picture with President Trump.

We have ruled out any of the federal Circuit Court judges whose stupidity is well-known to President Trump.

It is possible this guest is the man supposed to pick up the dinner tab. However, sources are indicating that this unknown man is Donald Trump’s Official Food Taster.

This is a position that serves both in the National Security and in the Kitchen Cabinet. We have heard that he is not yet confirmed by the Senate, but he is on the job—eating up a storm before the President does.

Trump Takes Call from Tom Brady

 DATELINE: Inaugural & Super Bowl LI

Trumped

At the pre-Inauguration Dinner for billionaire friends of the new President of the United States, there sat a man who should be in the Cabinet with 9 other billionaires.

We refer to Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots.

He was not overlooked by the new Prez who heaped praise on the Patriots during his post-dinner speech.

He wished luck to the man with the great quarterback, great coach, and fairly much claimed it was a lock to go to the Super Bowl. It’s the kind of stuff that makes American great again, if you agree with Mr. Trump.

President Trump was not done by any means. He singled out Coach Swami Belichick for his work ethic—and pointed out that it was that style of work that led to the victory for Trump.

In days of yore, if the President took time out of his busy schedule to talk to you on the phone, it was a big deal. Today, if Tom Brady takes time to pick up that smartphone and call, the President-Elect is thrilled.

He also noted to the agreeable crowd that Tom Brady had called him earlier in the day—apparently after practice where his game face has made him a grumbling meanie.

Tom told the new President that he was good to go. Alas, Tom cannot attend the Inauguration—but we will not be surprised if the President attends Super Bowl LI and sits in the celebrity apprentice box to root on his friends on the Patriots.

 

 

 

 

Robert Kraft Has Audience with Pope Trump

DATELINE:  Trump’s Kitchen Cabinet

 Trumped

Not two days after Jonathan Kraft stated that the New England Patriots did not endorse any candidate for President, owner Robert Kraft showed up at Trump Tower.  We suspect he did not show up for an audience with the Pope.

Speculation is rampant that Kraft will beg Trump not to offer Bill Belichick a position in the new Administration. Some sporty pundits believe Trump is greatly impressed with how Belichick handles the press and media.

The other possible candidate for a cabinet-level position is Tom Brady. Who can ever forget that Brady and Belichick’s names were used by Trump on election eve in New Hampshire? As a result, it was another New England state he lost overall.

Had he invoked the name of Lyin’ Crooked Roger Goodell, Trump might have won the popular vote.

Trump reportedly wants to name an openly gay man as UN ambassador. We are not sure if this lets out Brady or Sarah Palin.

There is now a petition circulating in Boston to move the Patriots to a red state, perhaps Cuba. Since Roger Goodell is for expanding the NFL into other countries, we suspect he wants Brady to be the NFL Man in Havana.

Liberal friends who have been on the sunny side of hysterical since election night now call to confirm their suspicions that the NFL is a racist, homophobic, misogynist organization.

Hell, we could have told you that after looking at the NFL police blotter.

But, the NFL does have a female referee in their appalling ranks of bad callers of pass interference.

Tom Brady’s Foot Locker tirade in a hilarious turn of the screw TV commercial will likely not be aired during NFL games. And, Goodell allegedly has nominated Tom for the Supreme Court, owing to all his legal experience over the past two years.

Goodell may receive what he wants, but not in the way he wants it.

More Baloney from Fox Sports on Brady and Kraft

DATELINE: Liberal Fox Sports?

Fox Sports Dunking the Tea Party?

 

For those with an interest in believe it or don’t, Fox Sports struck out again with a new way to insult Patriot fans and attack Tom Brady and his owner.

Some writer called Arielle Aronson, a pseudonym if you ever chose one, complained that Patriot fans were incensed that Robert Kraft and Tom Brady consider Donald Trump a friend.

Now, the article went on to interview a handful of voters from the “liberal leaning fan base” of the Patriots to criticize Tom and Kraft for not studying the issues or disappointing their fans.

Of course, the writer failed to notice that Trump won in Massachusetts with about 50% of the vote. It seems like there are fewer liberal leaners in Massachusetts than in horseshoes.

People angry with the system seem to support Trump—and Deflategate seems to make many fans angry with the system of the NFL.

Kraft and Brady did not actually express support for Trump, nor did they claim to vote for him. They said he was an intensely loyal friend who had stood by them in dark days, which was greatly appreciated.

Why would that incense Patriot fans? The sort of people this writer spoke to (if they aren’t her relatives) probably are not football fans (Neanderthals to liberals) or Patriot fans (who can’t tell a tea party from a Tea Party bag).

A few anti-Trump people feared that Brady and Kraft had unusual powers over the weak-willed fans and could influence the way they vote.

So, this resulted in a headline worthy of our best trolling efforts that claimed fans were blasting the Patriots.

‘Mystery’ Illness Replacements for the New England Patriots

DEADLINE: Next Man Up

  Typhoid Mary in Mufti

The big show down now has the awful possibility that untested Jimbo Garoppolo could replace Tommy Brady– as it occurred 16 years ago when untested Brady played understudy to injured Drew Bledsoe.

History has an ironic and cruel way of asserting itself.

Only the coach remains constant. We doubt that Bill will go down with injury, though the Bubonic Plague that felled Jamie Collins and now Brady could next strike down Belichick as senior citizens are particularly vulnerable.

Next man up would be Josh McDaniels. Of course, Belichick is an iron man and has not missed a down of play since he took over the club in the last century.

The worst that has befallen Coach Belichick has been an occasional cold sore, but when this occurs, he bites his lip and suffers through the pain to maintain his perfect coaching record.

The Patriots might consider calling Bill Parcells out of retirement if ever Belichick came under the weather. After all, it would only be fair to give Parcells a shot at winning his job back. It was Belichick who came in to replace Parcells so long ago after the national nightmare of Pete Carroll.

The only fate worse than losing Belichick to a mystery illness would be to lose owner Robert Kraft to cold sores. What would the team do if the billionaire owner was not in his box with son Jonathan by his side to shore up the look of winning?

We feel secure as long as Kraft wears blue collar dress shirts, as the blue collar seems to exude some miracle drug to keep Kraft from developing the dreaded ring around the collar. If ever he wore a standard shirt collar, there could be hell to pay the tailor.

For the loss of a nail in the horseshoe, the battle and then the war is lost. We must remember that every cog in the Patriot operation is pivotal to the success of the dynasty.

The next man up may be the Typhoid Mary of the team.

We dread the certain horror of “mystery” illness.

 

Party Ties Between Deflategate Principals

DATELINE: Appearances

Featured imageMore Twilight Zone Moments

Well, if it doesn’t become more like Alice in Wonderland every day.

Now we learn that over Labor Day, Robert Kraft—a party animal if we ever saw one—was down in the Hamptons for a little soiree with a few hundred famous people. He rubbed elbows with Katie Couric, Dan Abrams, Oprah Winfrey—and, gulp, Judge Richard Berman.

Yes, that’s the man who a few days earlier decided the Deflategate case in favor of Tom Brady and the NFLPA.

We aren’t one to say that one should avoid even the appearance of impropriety, collusion, conspiracy, or trouble, but the Patriots seem hellbent on making matters worse at every turn.

The Patriots organization and PR machine noted that it was true that Kraft and Judge Berman exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes.

We’ve been at those parties and a few whispered words can carry powerful messages in a public place. Heavens, how stupid can Berman or Kraft be?  Did they think the New York Daily News or Post would ignore this little handshaking.

In a world where mountains grow from molehills overnight, this smacked of smell-o-vision.

No photographs have emerged yet, only a dozen witness accounts.

As a supporter of Brady and the Patriots, this only leaves us slightly queasy, forced into an enclave and defensive mode once again.

It could be worse. We could find Tom’s plastic surgeon handing out business cards and Giselle planting a kiss on Judge Berman at the same party. Nothing would surprise us nowadays when Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton—and Tom Brady keeps one of Donald Trump’s red “Make America Great Again” caps in his Gillette Stadium locker.

Fiery Dictators like Goodell Are a Present Danger

 DATELINE: FIRE in the HOLE

 

Featured imageTin Plate Dictators are All Alike

The last time goose-stepping goons in the employ of a power mad dictator went ballistic, they burned down the Reichstag in Berlin.

Tom Brady should double security around his mansion in Brookline, in case the NFL arsonists are afoot.

Owner Robert Kraft has just had the smelling salts removed from his nostrils—and he is now finding the Deflategate punishment “unfathomable,” and he wonders why he could have ever put his faith in the league (and you, Mr. Goodell). Yeah, we wonder the same thing.

Kraft is the kind of man who has previously admitted he is easily duped. It looks like history has repeated itself, Mr. Kraft.

A few pundits are claiming that this minor fracas over a psi is now part of something greater and far more sinister. It seems to be an action worthy of Caligula and Nero put together. Are we back to burning down Gillette Stadium while Mr. Goodell fiddles away his $44m salary for 2015?

Brady now blames the character assassins for their shoddy attack when, like Edward Snowden, Brady is defending all Americans and their liberties to have their private phone calls remain private from illegal and intrusive listeners. Are you listening, Mr. Goodell?

Other pundits say that Brady is playing with fire. In a sworn affidavit, Brady would be in double jeopardy! How can he be in any more jeopardy than with a judge, jury, and prosecutor all rolled into one package: the Commissioner.

The NFL is desperately filing lawsuits against Brady!

Goodell knows something about home field advantage, and he wants to prevent Brady and the Players Union from finding a judge who is a Patriot fan.

In the meantime, we hope Tom Brady will pursue the scorched earth policy—as we recall from history, only when tyrants are removed will the world be a safe place.

Money Doesn’t Talk to Roger Goodell

DATELINE: Billionaire Acres

Featured image

Roger Goodell was cornered by an inept reporter at the notorious Sun Valley, Idaho, Billionaire’s Club meeting this week. He must be an honorary member, or went as Bob Kraft’s date.

Oh, crafty old Bob Krafty never misses these social events. It’s an opportunity to rub shoulders and pick pockets of other bubble-headed billionaires.

You have more than sports moguls traipsing around the snowless grounds of a great ski town in mid-summer. You have Facebook, Amazon, and other major corporation movers and shakers. Apparently there are few places billionaires can go to take the pulse of their fellow control freaks.

Have they come together to discuss Tom Brady and Delfategate?

Well, an enterprising reporter there seemed oblivious to other major cultural and political decisions that may be coming out of such a meeting. We may be witnessing how money talks.

However, sports takes precedence over all else. The reporter asked her question of Roger Goodell about the Patriots owner, but had to receive a stagewhisper prompt from one of the other losers among the winners. She couldn’t recall Kraft’s name.

Instead, she asked Goodell when he was making a decision on Deflategate and if he discussed it with his good buddy, Bob Kraft, during their perambulations.

Goodell was non-plussed, as befits a millionaire among billions.

He tried to be affable, but stopped to throw out a few bon mots to the hoi polloi. He noted that he had not discussed the major scandal of trivial proportions with the owner of the Patriots. He also said, to the mouth-watering semi-journalists who cover such events, that he could have a decision next week.

How the trivial has become the dominant issue! Do we think Goodell is hearing that he has made a molehill a mountain big enough for Sun Valley?

Down the River with Robert Kraft

 DATELINE: OVER THE RAINBOW

Featured image

When Kraft said, “Yummy,” to the Deflategate punishment, he came up with a new brand of cheese.

If you stick a feather in it, you can call it ‘macaroni.’

Bob Kraft (Mr. Kraft to you peons) has been transformed into the Birdman of Alcatraz by Warden Roger Goodell. After saving the aviary world of Pats birdbrains, he has been given a cell with lots of birdcages. Now he can sing, “If I had wings, over this prison wall I could fly.”

Yep, the old Krafty Kraft has been busted and now is taking his lumps of coal in hopes that next Christmas another Super Bowl will be in his stocking.

If you feel like the gourmet meal served up at Gillette Stadium is Macaroni & Cheese, you are not alone. It could be Gronk’s favorite meal, if you throw in a Polish sausage, but it must be cold porridge for Tom Brady. He won’t be asking for “More, please!”

Kraft is sending his star quarterback to bed without much supper or sustenance—unless the fix is in.

What? A fix? No, not in the modern age in the modern NFL!!!

You mean that Goodell will rescind the punishment for Brady because Kraft has saved his bacon? Wow, what a world.

If you believe the Wizard lives over the rainbow, you may have just been handed a dog in a basket to take over to Miss Gulch.

Hugs are being given out all over the NFL today. You may need them because the Ol’Baby has shat up a storm.

Kraft Sells Deflategate Cheese

DATELINE: HUMOR CHEESE

Featured image

Is it Brady & Goodell? Kessler & Goodell? or Brady & Kraft?

Robert Kraft kissed the rings of the Commissioner. He also groveled at the feet of Goodell. He cried that he had to take the punishment after all. Why? He said it was to end the “rhetoric, not to extend it.”

This earth-shattering development came after Krafty Kraft was seen hugging Roger Goodell at a party over the weekend in New York. Now both are honeymooning in San Francisco at the NFL owners’ spring meeting

Fans are expressing everything from outrage to shock. They seem to feel Old Krafty has thrown his beloved “Tommy” under the bus.

There is now a sense that those kisses for Tommy were nothing short of Judas Iscariot style affection.

As far as known, Brady has his own appeal, his own lawyer, and his own timetable. The lawsuits continue to be in abeyance under the auspices of Jeffrey Kessler.

There seems to be two possible outcomes of Robert Kraft’s turnabout is fair play.

He is an owner and must side with his cronies, the richest club of money-makers this side of the United States Congress.

The first outcome is, indeed, a kiss of death for little Tommy Boy who turns into the pinball wizard before our eyes. With the blessing of Kraft, Roger Goodell will uphold his four game suspension—and snigger whilst doing it.

Second outcome is that Kraft has bought his QB from the slave block. He has paid a bounty worthy of Bountygate for the mercy, unstrained of Roger Goodell.

Yes, the second outcome is like a gentle rain from heaven. Tom Brady will be forgiven his trespasses in hopes that he will pass again.

Media Day Proves Medium Not Well Done

DATELINE: HUMOR

Garoppolo

The Super Bowl has never been about football.

And, another media day proved that point because the Boston media was not there. They were stuck in New England, waiting for the airport to open again.

So, media day was a bust for Boston. No one covered the stories under the cloud of a blizzard. Round the clock snowstorm coverage left little time to discuss the Patriots, except for the occasional reference to the air pressure on a meteorology map.

Boston fans missed Gronk reading erotic passages from an alleged fan-based groupie account of the influence of the man who loves his Polish sausage.

Marshawn Lynch indicated that he only attended Media Day to keep his money in tact. If he had skipped it, he would have been fined.

Lynch was defended by teammate Richard Sherman whose elbow may turn into macaroni during the Super Bowl when Patriot players cook his funny bone. In the meantime, Sherman took on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell again this week by insisting if players are required to meet with the media each week, so too should the Commissioner.

Owner Robert Kraft used the opportunity to school the alleged smarty-pants Robert Sherman in high finance and office politics. Kraft sent a message to the Seahawk loudmouth that the party he threw was to benefit players who receive over 50% of the revenues Kraft can raise from sponsors.

Bill Belichick seemed relaxed in a director’s chair, looking to all the world like Alfred Hitchcock on the set of The Birds.