Gronk Goes to the Movies

 DATELINE: Goodbye, NFL! Hello, Hollywood!

Gronk

New England’s loss is the world of movies’ gain.

We may be one of the few football Patriots fans who is happy that Rob Gronkowski has made the decision to leave the NFL for a new career in films.

As a star of the gridiron, breaking all kinds of records over nine seasons, Gronk has spent nearly all available time working his screen image. He has appeared in a handful of small-budget movies and many television commercials.

His face, pliable and likeable, has become a brand unto itself. He has hobnobbed with stars and calls himself “One-Take Gronk,” meaning he only makes one take to print for the final roll of film. The film illiterate Boston sports media have no idea about his movie career, or abilities in that regard.

We are happy because the next time Gronk is tackled by five monsters, he will not hurt his back or break a leg bone. Right before they tackle him, the director will yell, “Cut!” and his body double will step in to take the blows.

Gronk is a movie natural. We expect to see him in a new Mel Gibson action movie as the season of football starts. Put away the cleats. He is taking on movie weapons for his next big run.

With his huge physical presence, he will find a happy set of movie parts in the big genres of the 21st century: either sophomoric comedy, or cartoon superhero epics. He can play a lummox hero or a hard-nosed villain with aplomb. See Ted.

He has sold his Boston properties and his next home likely will be poolside in Beverly Hills: like so many young people, he will have had his youthful years in Boston, but will begin his career and important life work elsewhere.

For years Gronky has graced our blogs with his antics. He will continue to do so—but now as a film personality. He won’t be playing Hamlet, but he will be entertaining.

Oh, we expect that some enterprising producer will team up Tom Brady and Gronk again in some sports film. Didn’t Babe Ruth charmingly play himself in Pride of the Yankees?  Didn’t Muhammed Ali play himself in several films? Gronk will always be himself in every movie role.

 

Logo Wars: Michael Jordan v. Gronk

DATELINE:  Sports Deadlock

 logo warsIt takes balls.

 

Michael Jordan’s silhouette image on all the junk he markets, around since the 1980s, is called Jumpman. We never knew his dunkman had a nickname.

Now, because Gronk has filed an image for his brand of products that resembles a silhouette of an athlete in action, we have a conflict that will be settled in the biggest court/gridiron, that of the boardroom of highly paid corporate lawyers.

Jordan and Gronk are prepared to go head to head, or shadow to shadow for the title King of Greed.

The problem for the two athletes and their endless money making operations is that some dumb kid will confuse Jordan with Gronk. Yes, you may buy a basketball sneaker and think it’s for playing football.

We know our educational systems are dumbed down more than ever—but we thought the emergence of emoji and sign language has sent kids back to the level of cave dwellers with an eye for cave art.

So, you mean they cannot tell the difference between a football shape and a basketball shape?

We are talking apples and oranges here, or at least spheres of another world.

Two tall athletes, arms raised, legs akimbo, holding some totem object is sending legal minds into overdrive. You can never tell when someone may spike a basketball, or dunk a football.

We have seen idiot players score a touchdown and then dunk the football over the goal bar. You can easily forget what sport you are watching.

It’s all the same when it comes to millions of dollars and corporate greed. It’s all part of the modern gladiator combat of American sports. We think Gronk and Jordan ought be holding tridents and nets, versus short swords and shields.

Oh, wait, they already did that sports combat scene in Spartacus. It was Woody Strode versus Kirk Douglas, all for the edification of decadent Laurence Olivier.

We are always happy to assume the role of Olivier in a combat between Gronk and MJ.

Gronk as Cover Boy Undercover

DATELINE: Gronk or Grog?

Gronk uncovered

Rob Gronkowski has been put on the cover of GQ Magazine for June, and the cover of Madden mad sports for 2017.

Cover boy is merely another sobriquet tossed before the Gigantica Pithicus of the Patriots. We can never become pithy when it comes to Gronk.

He is everything Tom Brady is not. Or worse, he is everything Tom Brady is in spades.

Gronk hardly seems the gentlemanly sort. He might drag a mate into a man cave or onto a Mal de Merry ship’s cruise. We do see him on the boxtop for an NFL computer game. He is Donkey Kong in the flesh.

On GQ he once again displays his version of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: pecs and abs countering string-bean quantum physics or physiques.

Much to our disappointment, there is no nude centerfold of Gronk. He leaves everything to the imagination. It’s no mean trick he plays on his fans.

He always seems to have some girl in a bikini on his shoulders instead of the globe of Atlas. We suspect deep down he is a big Sisyphus, hauling those girls up the mountain during the day and having them tumble down every night.

We felt the notorious double entendre were so outrageous in this blog entry, we could short-sheet the readers.

Flipper and Gronk Will Meet Again in a Sequel

DATELINE: Titan Rematch Coming Soon

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Gronk & Luke Halpin with Flipper

Fifty years ago another Boston sports icon made a movie called Flipper.

Yes, you diehard Celtics fans all remember Chuck Connors, star of 1963’s first Flipper.

He was the kindly father to Luke Halpin, the loincake star of the movie that took Lassie and made the story aquatic. The sweet dolphin saved the boy in a series of adventures.

How the times have changed. Now, the Dolphin has turned into a monster. If you follow the New England Patriots and their monstrous tight end, you have seen the worm turn. Yes, Flipper is now going up against Gronk.

Not since King Kong met Godzilla has there been such a lopsided victory. May the better creature win.

Gronk posted his victory dance on his personal website. As far as we know Luke Halpin continues to keep a fond memory of his biggest fan, Flipper.

We aren’t sure if we should accuse Gronk of cruelty to animals. We hear the high whistle of Flipper now as he faces a worse challenge than fending off sharks. Nothing compares to one solid spike from the Gronk, not even a bite from the Great White Shark from Jaws.

We hesitate to urge Hollywood producers to offer a role to Gronk in the new version of King Kong versus Godzilla, or better yet to have a warmup battle in Miami between Gronk and Flipper. We suspect it would have to be a cage match.

Flipper is a flipping slippery mammal, but Gronk knows how to deflate anything he spikes. Fans may be already looking forward to the new battle of the monsters when the Patriots meet the Dolphins in Miami in the finale of the season.

Gronk Tells ‘Baby’ Commissh to Grow UP!

DATELINE: Slow Burn Humor

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Gronk has had enough. In his dullest interviews, the Patriot big tight somewhat end claims merely, and always, that he is working hard to get better.

The always puerile Gronk is now telling the Commissioner to grow up.

Today he announced he is fed up with Roger Goodell, or “Baby” as he called the Commissioner.

It’s time to “wipe out” that suspension and take everyone off the hook of a bad decision gone wrong virally.

Gronk also expressed a bit of personal worry. He wondered how he will play if Tom isn’t there. Well, Gronk, that is a good point.

How will anyone on the team play if Tom isn’t throwing that underinflated ball?

Gronk is about to be seen on an all-star version of Family Feud in which he refused to be baited about naming something that has inflation problems. “Let’s put his in the past,” he tells CBS.

When Gronk is so irritated that he starts to mouth off, you know that Deflategate has overstayed its welcome.

Yes, Gronk now tells the world that Roger Goodell and his policy is “annoying.” If Gronk is annoyed with you, Mr. Commissioner, you have waited too long for a decision. Now players are starting to show utter disrespect.

The Gronkmeister may be on to something with his new attitude. It’s time to end the charade and cut losses. The biggest loser once again is Goodell who has allowed a molehill to become Mt. Everest.

Boston Sports All-Chippendale Magic Mike Team

 DATELINE: MAGIC MIKE AWARD

In Boston we have been blessed with a plethora of endowed musclemen and pro athletes who will strip down to skivvies for our delectation, or even for their own delectation. It beats the Speedo Santa race in Boston by a mile.

So, it seems only fitting that we start the first annual Magic Mike Chippendale Athlete (MMCA of Boston) award. This award honors Channing Tatum who disrobes every chance he has.

This may end up being a rival to the annual Garbo Award to the Boston athlete/personality who most fulfills the mercurial temperament of the legendary actress. Of course, the award has been won every year by Rajon Rondo since its inception.

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Now that Jacoby Ellsbury has gone to the Big Apple to follow in the footsteps of Garbo, it may be that Rondo will have no competition for next year’s Garbo.

He does have competition for the Magic Mike Chippendale Award. Rondo will have a hard time putting muscle on his fellow nominees.

 

MIKE NAPOLI:  Upon winning the World Series, Napoli toured every bar in Boston, losing only his shirt in the process. He surprised everyone by showing not an ounce of flab on his beefy torso.

 
naptimeNappie

BRAD MARCHAND: Complaining that he was the first Boston champion to strip down in public, Marchand continues to show the form of a Chippendale, with only his dog tags to tell us vital information. Brad

 

RAJON RONDO:  As the only Boston Celtic to consistently practice shirtless to show off his large double RR tattoo on his back, Rondo will even play cornhole shirtless to intimidate other players.rondoprometheus

 

JULIAN EDELMAN: A self-aggrandizer, Julian has tweeted his shirtless look on Twitter, and seems to be most hirsute of all the nominees.JULIAN

 

ROB GRONKOWSKI:  Almost in the Hall of Fame of shirtless dancers, there isn’t a bar from Boston to Las Vegas where Gronk hasn’t shown off abs out of fantasy land.

 gronkinbed

Voting is brisk, especially in the cold weather of Boston, but as soon as the stripdown is complete, we will announce this year’s top down winner.

Bad News Dampens Holiday Cheer for Patriots

DATELINE: SPORTS SATIRE

Not since the Mayans used to cut the heart out of their enemies in a great show have we seen something as hideous. Beloved Gronk looks star-crossed.

Rob Gronkowski had his legs cut from out under him in a ruthless play that could finally put a nail in the coffin of the Patriots’ hopes for Gronk’s glorious career.

Thank heavens Tom Brady continues to sip on the nectar of the gods.  He managed to pull another victory out of the toilet with less than two minutes left in the game. It certainly put energy into their juggernaut for the game against the lowly Cleveland Browns. It is a bittersweet victory with the loss of Gronk with a torn ACL.

The Brady-led team has won all season at the last minute and has seemed miraculous with a team that has never looked like miracle workers.  

Now with Gronk facing another major injury, the Patriots could be emotionally and psychologically damaged beyond repair. Jason Campbell, no less, ravaged them on Sunday at Gillette Stadium. Yet, Tom Brady restored the faith of the doubters.

Good teams suck it up, but the Patriots have sucked up more injuries than anyone could have expected. With the loss of Vince Wilfork, Jarod Mayo, Tommy Kelly, the loss of the recently resurrected Gronk may be more than fans can bear.

Yet, Kris Kringle on 34th Street had nothing on Tom Brady in the Red Zone.

Yes, the sky has fallen on New England. The roof has caved in, and wallpaper has peeled away to reveal smelly Chinese drywall. But, the old homestead still stands.

Bad News, Bad Backs, and Bad Receivers for the Patriots

DATELINE: HUMOR!

ImageGronk, irrepressible danseur at any Vegas style venue, and Kung fu fighter par excellence, suddenly has developed Jacoby Ellsbury syndrome.

Unnamed Gronk advisers are reporting that they don’t want to rush him back because of his back. The anonymous powers on the Gronk staff are likely his brothers and father. The family has become a corporation more like a nuclear unit on the order of Three Mile Island.

Gronk has every reason to hold back if he thinks his career may be shortened by another premature entrance into a minor game.

Yet, he told teammates he was ready to go early in the week. Indeed, Belichick’s advisers apparently thought he was a go—but where has Gronk gone?

Danny Amendola is another scratch because of the healing itch near his groin.

The Patriots will mislead fans, media, and especially opponents all week rather than report that Gronk or Amendola is nowhere near ready.

Gamblers, high rollers, and average bettors are now stymied at the roll of the dice. The Patriots look like losers in more ways than one Gronk. Fearmongers may now sound the alarm.

Though it was no lock that Gronk dressing and playing guaranteed a victory, it may have improved the mood of Patriot Nation. Right now the Patriot optimism is about as low as at Valley Forge. And, Bill Belichick is no George Washington.

As the first month of the season draws to a close, the performance on a road game before 25% of the season is on the docket becomes big in terms of emblematic value and actual playing ability.

The names on the jerseys will not be changed to protect the innocent, but the guilty may wish they were incarcerated with a former teammate.

For more insights into the Patriots, you can’t go wrong by reading NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, available on Amazon.com.

New Wine in Old Bookcover!

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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We were ahead of our time.

Several years ago this intrepid humorist suggested that Gronk and Tebow should be great opponents and even better teammates.

Now it has come to pass. We may need to update this book, still available on Amazon.com in softcover and e-book formats.