Snickers for the Buffalo Bills & Tricky Treat

 DATELINE: Trick and Treat

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This season every game by the Brothers Rex and Rob has been a trick or treat experience.  Now with their costumes chosen for this year’s Monster Bash, the brothers seem to have traded in their jackass costume for a two-man unicorn suit.

They want to grab the bag of candy and run.

Of course, we are still unsure which end of the costume T-Rex will assume. We do indeed remember the old ditty: “When you assume, you make an ass of you and me.”

The only way to catch the legendary smiling Cheshire Tomcat before he disappears into the mists of time like Brigadoon may be to grab the ass of the tiger and hold on for dear life.

And those anti-anchorite Ryan Brothers are just zaftig enough to hold on for a couple of quarters and a couple of downs.

For his part, Brady will never dress up in something he’s not: like a loser.

Now if the Ryan Brothers eat a Snickers bar, that’s the last thing their fans want. If Rex and Rob become themselves, all is lost.

On the other hand, we know Tom Brady will never eat a Snickers bar. If he did, he would turn into the High Sugar Lama from Shangri-La State.

As we recall from the old James Hilton classic Lost Horizon, the old High Lama played quarterback up in those Himalaya Mountains for 300 years.

Tom is already well on his way this Halloween to that goal.

TB Times: Brady’s Sporty Therapy

DATELINE: Humorist

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How can a humorist with the flu compete week after week with the TB Times?

The foremost humor Internet sensation’s managing editor also happens to manage the scoring for the New England Patriots. Tom Brady has always considered himself the master of the one-liner. He deprecating humor rivals Groucho and parodies Rodney Dangerfield.

Brady routinely ropes in 102,000 likes per week.

Now, he is undercutting our sports therapy humor by sending powder puff compliments to T-Rex Ryan. And, Ryan has returned the compliments. We are buried in cream puffs.

Clearly, Rex does not want to poke a stick at the caged Patriot who might bite off any Buffaloes within smell distance.

Once the game starts, we know that Brady will make an audible “Rex Ryan” to convulse the Bills with laughter. Right now the two giants of ego are playing nice-nice. We expect the game to resemble a Trump-Clinton debate.

We aren’t sure who will be the nasty person, and which one will be the bad hombre when the fans line up to go trick or treating.

We figure by fourth quarter Rex and his twin will begin to look the candidates for the Deplorables Award.

We will attempt to be humorous again as soon as our dry heaves end.

No Shut Out Before Its Time

DATELINE: Bad Day at Gillette

 Belichick

Today’s game at Foxboro was almost as laughable as one of those “dramas” for pinheads constantly advertised during games on CBS.

The Buffalo Bills buffaloed their way into Gillette Stadium in a fashion not seen by the home team since they played at Shaeffer Stadium. Indeed, the last time the Pats were shut out at home was 1993.

At long last the Patriots played the way everyone expected without Tom Brady.

You could say the Patriots were at a disadvantage. The Bills actually came to play.

When you see Bill Belichick smash his iPad into the benches, you know it may be less than a thrill-per-minute game. Rex Ryan looked ecstatic.

Missed tackles, a missed field goal, and a young QB make for a long, dreary afternoon. There was no sunshine, and the Patriots seemed to shun the limelight. When you put up no points in the first half, you may be on the road to defeat.

We looked hard for Edelman and Gronk, but they seemed to be waiting for Tom’s return. The young QB with the bad thumb looked like he might not get a ride home from the stadium if he stuck out that thumb for a hitchhike.

The high point of the game was the tailgate that seemed to scoff at deflategate. Alas, the Buffalo Bills gave the Pats the gateway to losing.

If you were waiting for the wind to change, you might want to wait till next weekend. A hurricane may come to New England, and we aren’t talking soccer.

A dozen penalties by the Patriots also seemed like a bouquet to Roger Goodell.

Pre-Game Jitters for Patriots?

DATELINE:  Uh-Oh Moment

Laughing Cavalier2

Boston media is rejoicing over the proposition that Rex Ryan may be coaching his last game as a Buff Bill.

The real Buff Bill, nee Belichick, has decided apparently to start Jimmy Garoppolo even if he cannot lift his arm, but we—like T-Rex—believe there is a trick up Swami Bill’s sleeve. The biggest trick on the Patriots is doubtlessly Julie E.

The controversy has not been front page, nor sports headline news, on the local TV shows. It’s been Final Regular Season Papi Weekend, with his image cut into the centerfield grass at Fenway.

We heard an amazing stat: yes, David Ortiz has about 538 home runs in his career, but his foundation for children has performed heart surgery on 561 children. It makes home runs seem rather unimportant and QB controversy rather flimsy.

Tom Brady did not show up for the final games of Ortiz because his Dolce Vita in Roma took the cake. Yes, Tom splurged on Italian cooking: well, he ate watercress sandwiches

Whether he took his playbook to Italy is doubtful. He will officially return to the Patriots on Monday—and become an official Monday morning quarterback.

It’s then he will welcome Gronk 2 to the team. Yes, Glenn Gronkowsky is being inserted into the practice squad. If this is a PR move, it will resonate only when Baby Gronk reaches the varsity team.

T-Rex seems convinced he will be victorious at Gillette against the Brady-free team that bedevils him. There are two schools of thought: one is that the Bills cannot outflank Swami Bill who has hypnotized cobras with his magic flute—and, second, the law of averages is on T-Rex’s side.

We feel it is dubious thinking to believe Rex Ryan will be doing a retirement tour of the NFL this season. He always leaves’em laughing.

Penalties Equal Penile Time for Bills

 DATELINE: Diction Issues

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With his Buffalo Bills committing more personal fouls than you see at an NFL executive meeting, T-Rex Ryan defended his wild bunch as a group of energized bunnies.

Yes, the acorn does not fall far from the T-Rex. Bombastic Ryan has dropped more media bombs than his team has committed fouls.

Ryan’s players take after him. They play emotionally. Unfortunately for them, emotional disturbances usually require strait jackets, hydrotherapy, or a lockdown. We haven’t seen the men in the white coats visiting the Bills—yet. It may be the fans who are carted off first.

You can count on Rex to blame the media for his latest fatal flaw.

Ryan doesn’t feel it’s his job to rope in his out of control players, and he thinks the media is pointing out that his players are undisciplined.

On the contrary, most media have pointed out that Rex wears no clothes—an unsettling idea at best.

Since his team lost another game owing to hundreds of yards in penalties, you wonder how that strategy translates into a Super Bowl visit. If we remember correctly, the Three Magi did not bring penalizer to the manger. And, Rex is the penultimate dog in the manger.

Playing with emotion may be the biggest penalizer in the league. Somehow this word has been misapplied by the team to its own size and grit.

Of course, in Ryan’s world, you are on shaky footing unless you play with gay abandon. Then, again, that raises an entirely other political issue.

 

 

 

Unpaid Bills, Credited Patriots

DATELINE: T-Rex Deafened by Crowd Noise

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In anticipation of beating the New England Patriots, T-Rex Ryan was prepared to do the Dance of the Seven Veils to have the head of Tom Brady delivered to him on a silver platter.

Alas, Rex is no Salome. He is more like a salami roll covered in mustard.

The Bills coach is insisting too that the entire league is against the Patriots and want his team to beat them. Well, it is not rocket science to believe that all opponents of Bill and Tom want to beat them.

Ryan may be the next Twinkle Toes when it comes to the glass slipper he wants to try on. We all know that Tom Brady is the only one whose slim foot fits into a glass slipper.

By the time midnight rolls around, our salami roll Buffalo wings coach will turn into a pumpkin pie. Before he is minced up, he may look like a hollow jack o’lantern. It’s appropriate with the season about to change to hobgoblin time.

Yes, night must fall, and so must Fall fall. It could be the fall of the Ryan Empire before he has even established bragging rights.

By halftime you could hear a pin drop. The problem with arrogance is that players tend to play cheap shot games. The Bills took their coach’s words to heart: penalties seemed to flow like crowd noise.

By fourth quarter, T-Rex was a subdued man, though his team made it interesting—owing to a Brady fumble. In the end, T-Rex seemed as taciturn as Bill Belichick who never gloats. Their end-game hand-shake was piss-poor. Ryan never acknowledged Brady.

Our Prediction is Our Predilection: Patriots Best Bills Collectors

DATELINE: Patriotic Gore

If you are surprised at the number of people who have picked the Patriots to lose their road opener to the Buffalo-winged Bills, a Jurassic Park team under a T-Rex coach, you must be living under an obsidian rock. The post-deflated Patriots are pumped up. Straight is the gate.

Picking the Pats to lose is the purview of a group of people who’d make mainstream political candidates cringe. The Patriots are hated, fans. They are despised across the spectrum, and more unliked by media shills. In fact, media/Fourth Estate types may be pandering to their readers and followers by dunning the Patsies.

You may have fallen under the spell of ESPN with their perpetual lyrical parallel hypnosis treatment of viewers. The spell has put national football fans into a robotic anti-Brady mood.

Bear in mind that Tom Brady has won over 160 career games if he throws for 24 points or more during his cakewalk. And, he is now upon his world tour of vengeance. Buffalo will soon be a checkmark of no consequence in the juggernaut of Belichick’s minions.

Bear in mind that Rob Gronkowski is a Buffalo native with a desire to show the home crowd how good he is.

It’s enough to make us scratch our pinhead. Why would anyone think the Patriots don’t stand a chance against the Bills?

We suppose that the selection of the Bills increases rabid fandom quotient (RFQ).

We also plan to tune in to see if Brady shakes T-Rex Ryan’s hand at game’s end.

Only one factor gives us pause in the face of so much hatred: Belichick teams always do poorly against unknown, untested, and untalented young quarterbacks. Hmmm. What is that aroma brewing?

Next on the Hit List: the Buffalo Bills

DATELINE: HUMOR

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T-Rex Ryan is still plodding around New York, but his territory has moved northward to Alaska. He stopped, however, when the shuffle came to Buffalo.

As the new coach of the Bills, T-Rex will still be a constant thorn in the side of Bill Belichick, or at least two times per season.

Yes, it appears that game two of the season will be a trip up to Niagara Falls. Whether it will be a slow, slow turn to victory, inch by inch, or a cascade over the Falls, only T-Rex can tell.

Rex won his first game up in Buffalo—and already looks like he actually has players who will do what he asks and a supportive front office. Yet, he remains the quintessential man of whimsy.

When asked if he would be preparing for the Patriots, Ryan noted that he first would have a few beers before tackling the gameplan.  We would certainly note that he will need more than a few beers after the game. We hope he will not resort to cyanide. He is too valuable as comic relief.

But, we grow mean spirited. We actually like T-Rex and are happy that he has escaped from New York (the Big Apple) and can now enjoy the borderline treat of honeymooners at the Falls and a real football team.

Whether the Bills shall overtake Bill Belichick’s juggernaut, time will tell us within a week. We expect a competitive game and a few chuckles in between the infuriating smugness of T-Rex.

Let us rejoice.

Rex Ryan: Upstage Left of Patriots

DATELINE: FARCE

Pizza the Hutt

Only Rex Ryan, old T-Rex, chomping on the New England Patriots like Pizza the Hutt at a press conference could knock the AFC championship game out of headlines.

Tyrannosaurus Rex has foraged his way out of the Big Apple and is now going step by step to Niagara Falls. Like a mad man version of Humpty Dumpty, Rex Ryan plans to go over the Falls in a barrel within three years.

You might expect him to slowly turn, inch-by-inch, like one of the Three Stooges in his initial press conference for the Buffaloed Bills. You’d be mistaken.

The man who wants to devour New England hasn’t let a few staples in his stomach change his appetite.

Rex Ryan’s focus was on his arch-nemesis Bill Belichick.

The Patriots’ head coach is once again in a big game, and Ryan is once again a commentator.

We wish Ryan had taken his talents to the small screen and replaced some of the deadwood that NBC and Fox employs as insider experts. We’d listen to Rex because we enjoy whimsy, bombast, and devil-may-care in one package.

Why do bad NFL teams replace their coaches with coaches of bad NFL teams recently fired? The answer is like asking Patriot has-been Jonas Gray why did the moron throw the clock out the window?

Rex Ryan would give us an answer. He is a man obsessed and haunted. T-Rex invoked the names of Russ Francis and John Hannah at his Buffalo presser. Imagine that! He could not refer to historic Bills players, only great Patriot ghosts.

We love T-Rex.

Grinch Belichick Hands T-Rex Ryan Xmas Gift

DATELINE: By Skin of Their Teeth

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Jets often lay low in the high grass of the Meadowlands.

New England’s Patriots know how to play down to the lowest level of the AFC.

When you want to get down and dirty, the Jets will revel in the muddy truth. In a game that the Patriots should sleep walk to victory, they faced Rex Ryan’s minions playing over their heads.

When the T-Rex tells his team that King Kong can be knocked out, they believe him. During the first half of the game, the Patriots looked about as befuddled as Kong facing those ancient technological marvels, the biplanes.

The team that should have been gnats for Belichick to swat seemed to have become dangerous Tsetse flies. Tom Brady seemed to turn yellow with malaria before our eyes.

If T-Rex high-fiving his players weren’t enough to fire up the Patriots, then this is not a Super Bowl caliber team.

Worse yet, all those close-ups on Gronk showed that he is starting to lose his hair, not a good omen for the Samson of Foxboro. By next year he will start to look like Wes Welker before the transplants.

Tom ought to give Gronk the number of his hair specialist immediately before another follicle bites the dust. In the meantime, Gronk and Tom seemed to be thinking of last minute Xmas shopping, instead of a victory.

Grinch Belichick is a mean one, but this Christmas he was more than willing to give old nemesis Rex a happy holiday in the fashion of a moral victory. Patriots hung on by one measly point.

T-Rex Ryan Chomps on Patriots One More Time

DATELINE: HUMOR

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Rex Ryan: Then and Now

As the Patriots go up against the New York Jets one last time in 2014, garbage time in some sports cities, Boston fans are having a last laugh at Tyrannosaurus Rex Ryan.

The man who once spread fear into Patriot hearts has devolved into a figure of comedy and pity.

Rex Ryan ‘coulda been a contender’, if we put him into the chubby Marlon Brando role in On the Waterfront. Nowadays you could say that Ryan prowls the docks looking for a quarterback. He would have given his kingdom for a quarterback.

Of course, to suggest with snide derision that Rex might have won a Super Bowl with Tom Brady rather takes a hoity-toity look at the job of head coach. You need more than a legendary, godlike visitor on the order of someone out of the Ancient Aliens. Tom does fit the Bill, but likely would not have fit the T-Rex.

Ryan never let the Patriots walk all over him. He was like a punch drunk fighter who didn’t know the word “tank.” Ryan always made his teams competitive and gave the Patriots a run for their rings.

We don’t expect T-Rex to kiss anybody’s ring finger, but he could chomp down hard as the final game of 2014 between the haves and have nots reaches it acme.

No Rabbits in Hat for Tom Brady This Time

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 rex Rex in Fatter Times

The news was not all good in Boston this weekend. Though the Red Sox won and are going to the World Series of baseball, the New England Patriots failed to pull another last minute/overtime victory out of the magician’s hat.

Tom Brady may have finally run out of rabbits nestling in his derby and aces hiding up his sleeve.

It could also be the powers of the NFL decided to “fix” the game with their arcane calls by referees. Yes, a hapless rookie on the Patriots was called for a personal foul that led to the Jets having a chance to win the game in overtime. The penalty smelled bad.

If anyone ever recalled a football player being cited for a “push,” on the back of a fellow teammate, it must be when they were playing pickup basketball.

So, the NFL will make parity if it cannot achieve it naturally.

Worse yet, the Patriots seem to be settling into Tom Brady’s old age. He made mistakes he never made in the past. Even with the return of the vaunted Gronk, who dropped several important passes, the Patriot juggernaut looked like it was a Stanley Steamer racing against a diesel engine.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Ryan did what his pauper twin brother Rob could not do last week: he beat Brady and Belichick. For the Ryan brothers, this is the sweetest of victories, no matter whether it is the lean or the fat one who wins.

We doubt that the Krafts sitting outside in the elements at the game in the Meadowlands have realized what they have wrought on the field by stiffing the players they don’t like. It may not matter when the team brings you into billionaire territory.

Alas, for the working stiff fans who have relied on a few hours of winning escapism for the better part of a decade, the shutdown of the Patriots offense is merely another luncheon entrée with empty calories after the government shutdown for two weeks.

Lean times have come to the Patriots.

Mark Sanchez: the Puddy Tatt on Rex Ryan

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Many have seen the bearded lady in the circus, but that may not hold a candle to seeing Rex Ryan with a tattoo on his bicep.

We are not quite at the level of Colin Kaepernick, with long passages of the Bible being flung like Elmer Gantry at the attendees in the revival tent.

Kaepernick comes across as the Hell’s Angels version of the crystal cathedral parish. Rex Ryan’s meager tattoo comes across as the glue-on version of the tough guys in the NFL who are branded like cattle.

Rex apparently had the people he loves most tattooed on his arm. They are, in no particular order, Mark Sanchez and his wife Michelle.

On the body of a young lithe player in a Jets jersey (wearing number six) is the head of the woman whose feet Rex adores.

We wonder what fantasy league star crops up in Rex’s dreams. Is it his wife who turns into Mark Sanchez, or vice versa?

There are worse things in the NFL than having your coach in love with your star quarterback. One is having your head coach tattoo your star’s jersey on his arm. To say it is unique may be an understatement.

Mark Sanchez may be the pinup dream of many, but he likely most appreciates that his head coach keeps him in his thoughts daily. It means no bench is too hard, and no media excoriation is too nasty when the love of your coach means you never have to worry about making the playoffs.

 

T-Rex Ryan to Star in Remake of Jurassic Park

 

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Rex Ryan denied the major news story that he wanted to leave the New York Jets.  T-Rex Ryan, the vociferous scene-stealer and setting chewer, insisted he would be a Jet for life.

No one had the heart to tell him that not even Leonard Bernstein believed being a Jet for life was possible.

Such life sentences are, of course, unconstitutional in the United States as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. We begin to wonder for what crimes Ryan feels the need to be disciplined so harshly.

Fifteen more years as coach of the New York Jets may not be possible, according to life insurance actuarial tables. Rex’s days would end somewhat short of that, and he may end up buried, not under the goal posts, but closer to the periphery of the Red Zone.

Rex held a zinger press conference, as only he can, and insisted he was madder than a yellow jacket, red shirt, or white flag.

As much as we love Rex, his press conference had all the drama of John Boehner saying the fiscal cliff would be a short drop to oblivion.

As we watched our favorite nemesis to Bill Belichick, he began to look like a man at an audition. Daniel Craig will need another hambone villain to fight as James Bond in the next epic spy adventure.

We think Rex Ryan’s performance makes Skyfall look like a walk in the park. Rex should not be wasting his talents as an NFL coach. He needs to stretch his creative genius to the silver screen where Oscars await.

Forget the Super Bowl, Rex. You would do better walking down a short red carpet to the Golden Globes.

If you enjoy ossurworld.com’s nasty sense of sports humor, you may want to take a look at his notorious list of publications, available in both ebook and softcover, including BEST BOSTON SPORTS HUMOR OF 2012 and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR! Other popular books include RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL.

 

 

Brady for Sanchez: the Perfect Trade

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Rex Ryan is counting the days of Christmas, or is that the days left in his career as coach of the New York Jets?

Mulling over his predicament, Old T-Rex ruminated that he’d be sitting pretty if he had Tom Brady on his roster.

Yes, so would thirty other teams.

With rumors swirling around the Big Apple that Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow are on the chopping block, we half expected Ryan to offer a twofer:  trading two quarterbacks for one.

We doubt the other overrated coach in the AFC, Mr. Bill Belichick, would likely trade Brady for Tebow and Sanchez, even if they threw in Braylon Edwards.

Edwards notoriously characterized the Jets front office as “stupid” and almost immediately they traded for him to rejoin his old team. Misery loves company.

Tebow and Sanchez may be the most inept comedy team since the Ritz Brothers. They took Broadway by storm, but alas their games were played over in New Jersey at the Meadowlands.

Trading Tebow and Sanchez for Brady seems a bit out of the fantasy realm, but a more realistic deal might be Philip Rivers for the Terrible Twins.

Before you get your knickers in a twist, we need to point out that Philip Rivers would be too high-priced for New York’s double threat in any kind of transaction.

Our best bet is to do a straight-up trade (pardon the expression) with the Kansas City Chiefs.

We believe Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn seem a perfectly matched set, sort of like Midwest versions of Tebow and Sanchez.

Even better, Rex Ryan would at least, at last, have a Brady as his quarterback.

 Read the Best of Boston Sports Humor 2012, the latest arsenic filled book about teams around Beantown. Russo’s works are available both in e-book and softcover on Amazon.com.