Celtics Fight Each Other!

DATELINE: ‘Former Celtic’ is Always a Dirty Term

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Two of our favorite Celtics characters were sent packing to other teams some time ago. However, that does not mean they are not still Celtics.

Case in point, Rajon Rondo and Isaiah Thomas. They bleed Green.

Both men were lively point guards, fun to watch and delightful off-beat souls. Rondo had a temperament that helped win a banner over seven years. Thomas never won a banner but played like a wounded warrior through dark days and dark events in his personal life.

This weekend was supposed to be a video tribute to Thomas’s few years in Boston, but it was not meant to be.

It was Paul Pierce’s retirement ceremony. His 34 went to the rafters, and it was not a moment to be shared. The video tribute to Isaiah Thomas (then of the Cavaliers) was postponed indefinitely.

Before it happened, Rondo said Isaiah didn’t deserve a tribute because he never won a championship. Rondo insisted he knew Boston better than Thomas. That might’ve meant an interesting game, watching Rondo sitting right near the Cavaliers bench waiting for a turn to honor Paul Pierce.

Oh yes, though he plays for the Chicago Bulls, Rondo returned to Boston for Pierce’s retirement. That in itself was marvelous. He joined his former coach Doc Rivers and his best friend Kevin Garnett. Once a Celtic, always the Celtic.

Abruptly traded to the Lakers, Isaiah Thomas faced Rondo within the week as opposing players Laker versus Bull.

If you were surprised by the next part, you never watched a Celtics game. The two former Celtics went at each other in the first quarter several times, nasty words and physical pushes nearly turning into a brawl.  They both were ejected from the game.

Thomas insisted that Rondo was giving him a hard time for the tribute video that never happened and likely accused him of being a fake Celtic.

A true Celtic comes back to the Boston TD Garden even when he plays for another team for a ceremony because he has never shed the Celtic Green inside.

We love our former Celtics. They are never former.

Paul Pierce & Kevin Garnett Enjoy a Night on Town

DATELINE: Nostalgic Celtics

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Not too long ago Rajon Rondo took Kobe Bryant out for breakfast, which raised a few eyebrows. Short of recruiting each other, it seemed like the morning after pill might be called for.

Now comes a report that former Boston Celtics Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett went out for a fancy seafood dinner together before their respective teams went out on the basketball court for a meaningless game.

It was like a divorced couple reigniting the flame. Pierce and Garnett now toil separately on ignominious teams. Their glory days of the ménage a trois are long gone with the memory of soon-to-be retired Jesus Shuttleworth Ray Allen.

Two old friends sharing a meal may seem heresy in the world of head-butting NBA superstars.

Witnesses swore Garnett and Pierce did not hold hands during the dinner—and the meal was not intimately lit with candles.

There were no paparazzi there to snap shocking photos for TMZ. This was not like the days when Elizabeth Taylor would wine and dine a former husband with crowds of gawkers.

If the two players had retired yesterday, this would be yesterday’s news—and no one would have reported their intimate meal. You could have wrapped the restaurant leftovers in a newspaper meant for fish & chips.

But, we love our former Celtic heroes, and we couldn’t resist reading they shared a moment to reminisce about the great days when Rondo used to drive them crazy.

It seems like only yesterday when we were young.

Paul Pierce Versus Jon Lester: Boston Send Off

 DATELINE: HUMOR

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Media insiders are having fits over the departure of Jon Lester after seven years and World Series glory.

For the goldfish memory world of attention deficit old timers, Lester is the worst that could happen in Boston sports.

Pardon us: Didn’t we have this same experience last year with Paul Pierce—and his kemo sabe, Kevin Garnett? Wasn’t that twice as worse? Or are we being half-bad?

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If you like Chinese water torture, the media has plenty of drops to fall on your head. Each day now for a month, the media supplies us with “So long, Lester,” stories. As we recall, this refrain lasted months with the Celtics. It could have been a year in the making.

Pierce was on the Boston scene for much longer than Lester, and the Celtics really didn’t insult him with one lousy, lowball contract offer.

The Red Sox took their vaunted cancer-survivor lefty starter and offered him a box of Crackerjack and the secret prize if he stayed in Boston. Talk about opening the door a crack and singing, “Hit the road, Jack.”

Paul Pierce and Jon Lester both have told media insiders how much they love Boston and may want to end their careers here—some day. Ain’t sentiment sweet?

Of course, such impassioned feelings may change by the time the final hammer is dropped on your noggin.

Let’s not hear how players will do anything for money when it comes to Pierce or Lester. It is the creepy media that creates tidal waves of destruction on their cat’s paws. When the online world and radio blabbers of sport say your time is up, you better believe it.

The Next Boston Celtics Banner is Hanging at the Ready

 DATELINE: HUMOR

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                                           Kevin Garnett’s Empty Home

Go, Northeast, young men.

Horace Greeley had it backwards. Horace Greedy wants all the money he can get.

LeBron James (about to have another turnabout turncoat summer) and Carmelo Anthony (of the rolling contract like a stone) could be looking for new homes.

Did anyone tell them that Kevin Garnett’s home on Golden Pond, a stone’s throw from Walden Pond is on the market?

Did anyone tell them that Kevin Love may be here? and that the only player to give Carmelo wet dreams is Rondo the corner?

We speak of that great metropolis where Leonardo di Caprio and Jack Nicholson have made movies. We speak of the Hub of the Universe—and no, it does not mean you have to play on Mars.

Boston has a plethora of money and draft picks to spread around the NBA. So, what keeps Lebron, Love, and Carmelo, from making Boston their new hometown?

With Rondo having nightly orgasms passing his balls around, the Celtics would surely have another banner tout suite.

Already the naysayers have said nay.

How many fingers can LeBron hold up to count Boston banners for NBA championships? Does he have as many fingers as Bill Russell?

Oh, Paul Pierce is thinking about another year or two, and he too has not yet sold his palatial Boston digs. There are enough bedrooms and bathrooms to let the James and Anthony families share the accommodations.

And, Paul could live there too as a landlord who is no longer absent.

Kevin Love Center of Boston Conspiracy!

DATELINE: CONSPIRACY THEORY

 Rondo Finds Love

When Kevin Love receives a game time meeting with Rajon Rondo at Fenway Park, a postgame meeting with Gronk of the Patriots, and receives an advice tweet on living in Boston from David Ortiz, you have the sense that a conspiracy is afoot.

Kevin Love was in Boston for one weekend, but he met with everyone except the Mayor. He didn’t get the key to the city, but he may have the keys to the kingdom—or at least a luxury condo next to Tom Brady’s digs on Commonwealth Ave.

Forget UFOs hidden by the U.S. government. The Boston Celtics are involved in one of the great conspiracies of our age. They intend to pull up the Brink’s truck next to the Timberwolves and steal Kevin Love.

Whitey Bulger may have been in cahoots with the FBI as an informant, but the Boston Celtics are in cahoots with Love’s agent.

If there is to be a conspiracy, you know that the Celtics will also sign the other major client of Love’s agent. His name happens to be Paul Pierce, and he is available for a return to Boston. His massive McMansion is on the market, but not yet sold. He could share it with Kevin Love if he doesn’t sell it to Love.OBAMA & ORTIZ

Last time the Celtics stole a Timberwolf off the endangered species listings, his name was Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge is partial to signing men named Kevin.

As far as conspiracies go, when the New England weather cooperates with Love’s weekend visit by providing ideal conditions, you know that something big is happening behind the scenes.Gronky

Kevin Love Is in the Air

DATELINE: HUMOR

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Wouldn’t it be loverly?

With the Red Sox facing the longest losing streak they have suffered in two years, fans are turning their lonely eyes back to the NBA draft and the Boston Celtics.

Kevin Love reportedly wants out of Minnesota. Trading for Love will mean Love’s labors will not be lost to Boston fans, according to Celtics braintruster Danny Ainge.

If lightning ever was meant to strike the same place twice, Boston is a good location for a repeat at the TD Garden. Kevin Garnett came from Minnesota half-dozen years ago to lead an instant rebuilding to championship season.

Love could mean the sorry days of waiting for a return to glory will be on the doorstep. Fans need a Love Childe. Wouoldn’t it be Loverly, especially for Rondo?

However, Garnett had two other major players as his starring chesspieces. Kevin Love in Boston would be centering Rajon Rondo with the power forwards of Jelly O’Sully, better known as Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger.

Is that enough?

Well, Celtics fans will tell you that there are plenty of other draft picks in the Celts system.

All depends on the Tuesday draft position. Location, location, location, will tell the Celtics who their savior-to-be will be.

It will not do to recruit Kevin Love and trade away Kelly and Sully, or even Rondo. All must be woven in the multi-layered coat of many victories.

Love’s agent is also Paul Pierce’s agent. We should not be surprised to see a return of the native Celtics star, now toiling in Brooklyn where one growing tree is the only shade.

Signing Kevin Love means never having to say you’re sorry to fans.

Celtics Fans Will Choose to Forget Way We Were

DATELINE: HUMORESQUE3some

Watching the Boston Celtics this dismal season has a hidden side that only a true fan might see. The Celtics had victory snatched from their jaws in two-dozen games.

Yes, with a Paul Pierce on the team, or a healthy Rajon Rondo, there could have been up to 30 additional victories in the win column. There would also be no lottery opportunity.

Playing basketball this season has been like playing horseshoes. Those “leaners” are not good enough. We needed dead ringers.

The good news is that, with a few tweaks, coach Brad Stevens could have a contender on his hands next season. With a few bounces and a little bit of luck, the Celtics won’t get hitched to the losing bandwagon.

Of course, if the lottery goes the way the season goes, the Celtics will be looking at years that bring shivers and nightmares to the dreams of fans. You may indeed pick a Len Bias, and you may indeed be handed your head on a silver platter by the cutting winds of fate.

Paul Pierce may return to the Celtics next season along with some impressive lottery pick. It may be that Danny Ainge will wield some magic and divest his team of bad karma like Jeff Green and Avery Bradley, some of the most overrated players in recent history, to sign a bona fide star.

Brad Stevens can coach and has some “je ne sais quois,” that could make him an heir apparent to the Old Redhead of Celtic lore.

As this season sinks into the realm of forgotten hardships, we will remember like Barbra Streisand sang so many times only the good. Time makes us rewrite every line.

We will forget every bad moment and choose to recall only the good. The way we were, indeed.

 

 For those interested in following the Celtics over the past few seasons, the definitive insider look at the team can be found in the satiric reports of Ossurworld in RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR and RAJON RONDO & THE GREEN NEBULA. Both books are available from Amazon.com.

Paul Pierce Paraphrases Douglas MacArthur

 DATELINE: Not Fading Away

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After playing his second game against the Celtics this season, Paul Pierce gave a post-game interview in which he let Rondo’s cat out of the bag.

Pierce made his seminal General Douglas MacArthur quote. No, not the one where he wished Rondo a happy birthday, but the one in which he said, “I shall return.”

He is planning on a return to Boston one day—as a player or in some other capacity. “Why not?” he cavalierly throngs of media.

Some people see things as they are and ask why. Paul sees the Celtics as they are and asks, “Why not?”

Is it any wonder that Pierce is the most beloved player on a  rival team in all Boston sports? Why not, indeed.

As soon as his current contract is up, we envision him calling Celtics honcho Danny Ainge and negotiating his return. He will be back to retire his number of course, but this return from the ashes may be something more. Much more.

During the Nets-Celtics game, we fully expected to see Pierce accidentally standing in the wrong huddle—if even for a laugh. He fouled Rondo and chuckled (as did Rondo).

There are two popes living in the Vatican today, and we certainly can see two captains on the Celtics next season.

When Kevin Garnett retires at year’s end, you can expect that Paul will not want to spend another hour with the Nets and their Captain Kidd coach.

On another former Celtic note, Rajon Rondo gave a warm handshake and greeting to gay gate crasher Jason Collins in the pregame social niceties.

Rondo once said a few years back of Collins how much he admired the benchwarmer.

Rondo told the media back when Collins wore green that the center was the only player who memorized all the plays in the Celtics playbook—besides himself, of course.

Former Celtics players always wish Rondo many happy returns.

 

Brooklyn: Home for Old Celtics

DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

GarnettKevin Garnett has not proposed to Big Baby Davis, nor to Jason Collins, but he wants them more than Uncle Sam wants you.

Valentine’s Day and NBA Trade Deadline Day often become confused because teams send flowers but eschew the fatty chocolates.

First openly gay basketball star Jason Collins has been left at the altar after making a modest proposal about playing on any team that would have him. And, overeater and underachiever Glen Davis has been bought out by the Orlando team, letting him ply his wares on any street corner of his choice.

Brooklyn unloaded Jason Terry, never a real Celtic, but now wants Davis and Collins to join Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce as they make a push to avoid the lottery.

The only player Garnett would send flowers to is Rajon Rondo, but that bromance is off limits.

Garnett blew a gasket when the media hinted he had the hots for Big Baby. Garnett’s heart may be green, but not just for any former Celtic player.

You can bet your bottom dollar that KG does not want the Brooklyn Nets to let Ray Allen walk through that door.

Across the country in Los Angeles, former Celtics coach Doc Rivers also wants Glen Davis—and he wanted Garnett and Pierce too. The NBA does not like little green teams growing all over the country and put the kibosh on those reunions.

We like the idea of old Celtics becoming the new Andromeda Strain. Let them proliferate and congregate.

We will have another Celtic banner after all—it just won’t be in Boston.

Welcome Home, Garnett & Pierce

DATELINE: REUNIONS Rondo & Ray in Happier Times

The Boston Celtics fans at the TD Garden saved their strongest support of the season for a couple of Brooklyn Nets players.

Yes, even Kevin Garnett noted that the tribute paid to him was “over the top,” and the United States sent the Marines to stop this kind of thing in Tripoli. Not one cent for tribute.

Paul Pierce got his too.

Though Rondo wanted to ignore the shenanigans, he stopped to give a mild round of applause to his two former mates.

Kevin Garnett was so overcome that he forgot his mantra for game face and was broadly smiling. It was a hope to be devoutly wished. If Garnett was off his rituals, the Celtics had a chance to win the game.

Even Kendrick Perkins put out a tweet to recognize his former championship teammates for a well-deserved ovation. The lone missing link was Ray Allen who remained in the doghouse and bereft of love from Boston where he suffered the slings and arrows of disdain upon his return last year.

No such luck as to win the game, as Lucky the Leprechaun favored former Celtics over the present-day upstarts.

A few media members who have not watched a game all season called the young players unexciting and lackluster.

All were hoping that the lottery to come would provide vast riches and a superstar to make the Celtics contenders again.

In the meantime, we won’t see such love poured onto former players until they return in retirement for the ever-lasting honor of retired numbers.

Rondo Faces Another Reunion Without Sentiment

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DATELINE: THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Rajon Rondo hardly could contain himself. If he could have popped the media, he would. We expected eyerolling and snickering.

Someone dared to ask Rondo if he would be emotional to the point of sentimental crocodile tears.

“Have you ever seen me tear up?”

Well, er, hmmm, now that you mention it… not quite.

Rondo may have warm and fuzzy feelings for his former teammates Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, but that ragged old teddy bear of love has been locked away for better days.

Rondo promised it was his intention to “destroy” his opponents. Oops, someone should tell Garnett that the little brother he loves is a brat.

We suspect that Kevin and Paul already know Rondo intimately. There is no surprise for them. They knew him when they were superstars and he was an upstart point guard telling them what to do.

No wonder they love him, understand him, and smile knowingly at every Rondoism that comes from his lips.

On the other hand, when Doc Rivers came to Boston recently with his new team, Rondo went in his street clothes to the visitors’ locker room to meet his former nemesis out of the glare of media attention.

When Kendrick Perkins comes to town for a game, you can bet your bottom dollar, gourmet chef Rondo is cooking up a storm for a private dinner.

Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett know what Rondo is and what they mean to him. You can count on it.

Mercurial Rondo is as Rondo does, and don’t you forget it.

 

 For the whole story and nothing but the funny tale, read RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR or its equally bizarre sequel RAJON RONDO & THE GREEN NEBULA. Both books are available at Amazon.com.

 

A Star is Not Reborn, but Becomes Captain Courageous

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 RondoLaughs Facing the Dentist

Rajon Rondo did not walk on water. He did not turn the TD Garden water into wine, and he seemed to suffer more than a visitor to the Garden of Gethsemane deserves.

Returning to basketball did not quell the ominous drums coming from the darkest, deepest recesses of Danny Ainge’s office. The Celtics still lost to the deplorable and depleted Los Angeles Lakers in the fourth quarter.

The Celtics continue to have too few quarters to make up a few bits of victory. Rondo seemed to be a day late and a dollar short.

Rondo may be harder on himself than he ought. True, he did not have a dozen assists in his limited minutes. It may take him a month or two to regain his footing, his posturing, and his inner self.

The question is whether fans, or Rondo himself, will have the patience to let himself regenerate his physical gifts.

Observers could see a man who worked no miracles and took time to be tentative and timid, hardly the mantra of Rajon Rondo.  

Who could blame him? He said he needed some game conditions to regain shape and stamina. This was the game where Celtics fans wanted to add water and have instant Rondo with a twist.

The Celtics gave Rondo a morale booster by naming him Captain Gallant, Captain Courageous, Captain Kangaroo, and Captain of Industry. He is now Captain Rajon, following in the shoes of Paul Pierce, Dee Brown, Bob Cousy, Reggie Lewis—and Antoine Walker (among others).

Some may see this as a demotion from floor general.

Captains and kings aside, Rondo will work to have his sea legs under him when Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett show up to welcome him back next week.

Rondo has wandered in the desert for too many days and seen too many demons to be a simple reborn superstar on the fly.

As they like to say on Facebook, Rondo’s relationship to the Celtics is complicated. He awaits the emergence of a new Big Three. But he accepted the title of Captain of the Celtics and Brad Stevens’s assistant.

 

RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR! and RAJON RONDO & THE GREEN NEBULA are two books on the mercurial star, available at Amazon.com in softcover and/or e-book.

 

Rondo Counts the Seconds to His Return

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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“29,233,380 secs” was Rajon’s Tweet.

Oh, that Rondo! He is quite a wag.

That’s why we love him.

He posted on his Twitter account the bizarre number of seconds, making sports reporters run to their calculators, and making humorists run to their joke books.

Yes, millions of seconds have passed since Rondo had surgery to repair his gimpy knee. And, if you count them all in hours and days, you end up at Tip Off time for Friday’s game.

No one dares to make a firm statement, as this is the Rondo Show and no one wants to be cornholed before Rondo makes his first point.

All that talk of minor league games to warm up his tired old bones may have been merely a distraction and disinformation to send those media morons scrambling to Red Claw games.

Rondo never played a minute in these D-League games. He will use the minor league style of the big league Celtics to hone his rusty skills.

The big game is one week after the Friday tip. That is the first Boston home appearance of Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce, leading the Brooklyn Nets to the TD Garden.

Rondo loves those two, and he wants to show off his style by playing against them. It will be heart-warming to see the old gang on the same court shooting their hearts out.

Rondo is so sentimental that he may pass an alley-oop to Garnett for old times’ sake.

Thirty million seconds to splash down.

Thanks, but No Tanks, Celtics

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In Days of Yore: Kevin Garnett

DATELINE: HUMOR!

A tree grows in Brooklyn, and Jason Kidd is looking to make sure it receives plenty of water. He has ordered cup holders for the Nets’ bench.

Gunga Din aside, the Celtics make their way to a reunion of sorts with Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett on this evening in Brooklyn. Win or lose, the sight of the former Celtics in Brooklyn uniform was heart-wrenching.

Since the Celtics roster is now almost totally different, the few players who actually know KG and Paul well are a handful: Rondo, Bass, Green, Bradley, and then some acquaintances and a few associates.

It is not much of a family reunion since the Prodigal Son is MIA and has played for the Miami Heat for the past few seasons. We wonder when the Big Three will once again be on the parquet floor of the TD Garden together. It may be a while.

In the meantime, Celtics fans will keep a hawk eye upon Jason Kidd as the concessionaire comes around with cold drinks. He may throw cold water on the Celtics’ little rally into first place. It would be like tossing water onto the Wicked Witch of the West.

In the meantime, Rondo wore a flashy robin red vest that attracted Kevin Garnett who came over to the Celtics bench to give the obligatory hug to his little buddy.

When Pierce and Garnett played, they didn’t seem old or worn out. They were juiced up for the encounter. Paul came into the game to stand on the free throw line next to Brandon Bass—and had Bass laughing immediately.

We miss KG and P.

Celtics Forever, or a Tree Grows in Brooklyn

ImageRondo and Ray in Happier Times (we think)

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Ray Allen is still mystified as to why his former Celtic teammates won’t speak to him. Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce of the Brooklyn Nuts have shut the door on the three-point marvel and former member of the Big Three.

Allen, often thought to be the most intelligent of the three, now is running head and shoulders ahead in the obtuseness quotient.

He believes their trades from the Celtics should make Garnett and Pierce more amenable to his situation. Apparently it has not. They still refuse to acknowledge him and regard him as a traitor.

They were traded. He was a traitor. There is a difference, Ray.

The other point Ray seems oblivious to understand is that he broke up the trio by choice. He feared Trader Danny Ainge, his nemesis on the Celtics, was going to dump him anyhow. This may be a stretch when the Celtics offered Allen more money than the Heat. He chose to take his talents to South Beach. It is the last refuge of scoundrels in the NBA.

The real reason for the cold shoulder toward Ray was at the Miami Heat game with the Celtics, though he did not play.

Rajon Rondo was always the fourth member of the musketeers, and he and Musketeer Bathos Allen never seemed to hit it off.

Rodney King inquired of the Celtics, “Why can’t we all just get along?”  Some fans speculate that Rondo’s reaction was to punch him in the nose and push him into a swimming pool. That is nothing compared to what Rondo would like to do to Ray Allen.

Following in the footsteps of his Big Daddy Kevin Garnett, Rajon also ignored Ray Allen in pre-game rituals. The acorn does not fall far from the Brooklyn tree, but Rondo can throw it and hit Ray Allen on the noggin every time.