Sam Darnold Sees the Phantoms

DATELINE: Ghost Hunters

If you saw New York Jest Quarterback Sam Darnold, of mono fame, on Monday Night Football, you saw a man spooked.

Yes, the young and callow big QB was mic’d up as they say for the cameras. He did not disappoint. When all the cursing is done, and whitewashed out, you had the tall drink of water having the worst night of his life. If you dismiss the night he caught mono…

He ended up with a QB rating of 6.5, which sounds nearly as abysmal as anything this season by anyone.

That conjurer of ancient gridiron spirits, Merlin Bill Belichick, apparently sent Macbeth’s witches to bubble up some trouble for young Darnold. Too damn young for being darn old.

The Jets main man said on the bench after one appalling interception that he was seeing ghosts out there on the field.

We, of course, believe him, as we have seen the power of orbs flying by at breakneck speed. These little photons of light are really the spirits of past football for Darnold, and they are making mischief that would do poltergeists proud.

Marley’s Ghost might have offered him some sound advice on how to deal with the Patriots defense that was fired up to deny the existence of ghosts.

Perhaps Hamlet’s fatherly ghost might have warned him of a coach would pour poison in his ear. That Jets coach was heard to tell him that he knew what to do. Apparently the coach did not know or have the number of an exorcist on his speed dial.

You can scare children with ghost stories, or conversely you can scare QBs like Josh Allen and Sam Darnold who look like giant kids playing a game of chess with the Grim Reaper. Shades of Shades.

Patriots Lost on Revis Island?

DATELINE: On Gilligan’s Island Before Playoffs

The rats are abandoning the Good Ship of Lollipop Brady. You can swim to the nearby island belonging to the good Dr. Goodell Moreau of sports where you will be hunted down like a deflated ballboy.

As the game time clock is about to strike, the hickory dickory media is running down the clock before the bell tolls.

Predictions for a Jets victory over the Patriots is the latest fad. And, some are accusing the Patriots and Belichick of, you guessed it, cheating to lose. The game’s score will be within the FanDooDoo boys’ range of betting.

A Patriot loss would throw the wild cards up in the air for a game of 52 Pickup.

So, media defenders of Brady and his teammates are now looking for portholes and exits out of the cargo hold.

We have held firm to a Patriot victory as de rigueur in the scheme of NFL shenanigans. And, we subscribe to the new theory that Revis Island is the new Riker’s Island of New York.  Your huddled masses of semi-talented players will be housed there in overcrowded and teeming tenements.

Like Kong’s Island during a storm, Revis Island is on the downswing. Islands tend to sink eventually. Just ask all those survivors of Atlantis, or Santorini.

If you think you will survive a Patriots juggernaut by pulling a Robinson Crusoe on Revis Island, you are living on Fantasy Island. And, Friday is not a game day.

As John Donne would tell you, no man is an island, but the bell is tolling for the New York Jets.

Grayscale Between Jets and Bills: Only the Color Blind Can Tell

DATELINE: no colors

Featured imagein glorious black and white

Color blind fans were blindsided by the Jets and Bills on Thursday night. It didn’t matter if you watched on a big screen, a smartphone screen, or your iPad. If you watched on grandmama’s old black and white TV, you had an idea of the problem.

Someone at the NFL decided it would be great fun to have each team coordinate their look from top to bottom in one color. The Bills took red, and the Jets took green.

The players looked strangely odd at first—and there was no becoming used to the monochromatic look.

The problem was exacerbated by the fact that the teams looked like they were playing in pajamas with footsies. We kept looking for an open trap door. This would have been more colorful than a bunch of men doing the famous “black bottom” dance.

Of course, since somewhere between 5% and 10% of men are color blind when it comes to red/green, they were looking for stripes and and logos to help them determine who was interfering with whom.

In the old days of black and white television, this would never have happened because all gray uniforms required one to have light pants and one to have dark pants. It was the same philosophy that went into the Friday Night Fights.

The witless ninnies at the NFL no longer think of such matters. They stick to surface appearances, whether it’s a deflated football, or little green men from head to toe.

Anyone having trouble telling the teams apart should have simply watched T-Rex Ryan on the sidelines. You’d know instantly what team was unhappy with the referees.

Patriots Should Be Paranoid about NFL

DATELINE: Inmates Running the Asylum


Featured imageBugs on Jets: to a Louse

Patriot fans can only become so rabid when the Jets are mentioned.

Now the Jets have raised the ante—and there may not be enough ill will in the tank to match their vitriol with the proper level of hostility.

We have heard the confirmed rumors that the Jets called the NFL headquarters prior to their game with the Patriots to express fears that those pesky Pats were cheating again.

Yes, the NFL, happy to embarrass the Krafts and Patriots, sent their top dog investigators to sweep the visiting locker room for bugs. They would have better luck if they checked the Jets sleeping accommodations for bedbugs. The Jets have more bats in the belfry than bugs in the locker room.

The Jets are more buggered than bugged.

The Jets felt their game would be derailed by listening devices in the locker room, stealing their game plan. Having seen how they played, no team would want their game plan.

It is a sign of the times that the Patriots now believe they are being set up by other teams and the NFL. You aren’t paranoid when they really are out to get you.

In this case, Roger Goodell’s goons and his Gestapo of former Jets in administrative positions are furious that the Pats won in the court room, and made the NFL look like the morons they actually are.

There is no victory in humiliating an idiot because he does not learn his lesson—ever. The Patriots have mortified Goodell to no satisfaction.

So, now we are faced with a great war—with the NFL and the most hated of rivals. These idiots of the gridiron will do whatever it takes to undermine their own game. If anyone is cable of killing their own golden goose, it is Goodell’s goose-steppers.

Brady Overcomes the Air Pressure and Whoosh of the Jets

DATELINE: Flight of Jets Cancelled

Featured imageBrady Takes Down Jets

Tom Brady declared today’s game a “no fly zone,” thereby grounding the Jets.

However, it was his own flight pattern that found itself pulverized by a bad case of dropsy among his receivers. Even sure-handed Julian Edelman could not corral a fastball that reached him on the goal line. As a result, the Patriots were breathing heavy until the fourth quarter.

Among the worst offenders of the day was Brandon LaFell returning from a long stint of being unable to play. We had a news flash during the game. He was still unable to play. Fortunately Danny Amendola was airborne for every catch.

If Bill Belichick is any judge, we may have witnessed the rise and fall of La Fell. To drop one pass is human; to forgive would be divine. To drop six passes (out of a team group of nine) would require an act of the Supreme Court of the United States to order Belichick to withhold his eternal damnation.

Brady’s wife is above suspicion and last time something like this happened she was overheard saying her husband could not catch AND throw the ball. When Gronk caught the ball, he carried the ball and Jet players too.

He could run it, though, being a big rusher of the day, including a touchdown. Not bad for an old man who lost his razor blade sometime during the week.

Perhaps Tom is hiding those little scars he picked up in Paris over the summer. But, when he turned on his scalpel during the fourth quarter, the Jets were not only grounded, they were under investigation by the FAA.

Yes, the Patriots beat the nefarious Jets with their new non-nonsense flight pattern. It didn’t matter. Brady always goes first class and travels with only a toothbrush. The Pats’ mechanics caused engine problems, and the local birds flew into the Jets’ flight path.

Now toward a short week and the revamped and rejuvenated Dolphins.

Jets Tank Half Empty After Media Blow Up

DATELINE:  Cue the Baying Media Hounds

Featured imageSheldon is Heard!

Some people actually have been concerned with this week’s opponent for the New England Patriots: the New York Jets, formerly the plaything of T-Rex Ryan.

There’s a new coach roaming the meadowlands, and he has tried to convey a sober, down-to-earth, bluster-free endzone. His players have lost the swagger, the locker room fighting, and the butt fumbles. These Jets are not exactly playing button-down Wall Street games, but they are trying to fly under the radar.

The flight plan was going well until Jet nitwit Sheldon Richardson allegedly guaranteed a victory against the Patriots.

If you want bulletin-board material to fire up a team already on a mission to decimate every rival that challenges them, the Jets had made a giant misstep. Todd Bowles, the new coach, seemed a tad disjointed over this—and the revisionists noted that Richardson, a loudmouth suspended substance abuse kind of guy, had been misquoted.

Richardson, in the grand tradition of those with a habit of inserting foot into mouth, charged the media with taking liberties with his inane words. He never guaranteed anything. He went a giant step forward for mankind by blaming Roger Goodell for forcing players to speak to the media. Now that’s a wordsmith defense worthy of Goodell.

If you mix two combustible chemicals, you are bound to end up with publicity to inflame the masses. In this case, we have another imbecile player and sensation-seeking ESPN types. Stir gently.

The result is the NFL profits but the player loses his soul. Then, said player recants, and the media licks its chops at a delicious double-scoop of tutti-frutti cotton-candy. Sheldon shall not lick his chops again any time soon.

In the meantime, the damage is done. The Patriots likely have been irked to the degree that they will mean business when they disingenuously say it’s just another notch on the gun belt while they pummel the Jets into oblivion.

The Jets have once again caused passengers to fight in flight over reclining seats. Yep, another butt fumble.

No Man is Revis Island



Is this man a jerk?

A few years ago Darrelle Revis called Bill Belichick a “jerk” on national television. At the time it seemed like a public relations stroke of genius for Jets fans.

Revis did it with Rob Gronkowski sitting next to him, looking slightly stunned and a little sick. Now they will be teammates, and Belichick will review the footage to see the rousing defense Gronk gave him.

Yes, fans, Darrelle Revis may well prove that Belichick is indeed a jerk for real now that the Patriots have coughed up a reported $12 million smackeroos to have the loudmouth who sported with the Jets for a few years climb on the ship of Kraft.

Owner Robert Kraft promised not a day ago he won’t sell the soul of the Patriots for a bowl of porridge. Instead, he bought gruel.

Diehard Patriot fans are desperate for any notable free agent signing, and the three-hour tour of Foxboro resulted in the chief petty officer of the S.S. Minnow to crash the boat on Revis Island (not to be confused with Kong’s Island).

Move over, Gilligan. Revis Island is not big enough for the two of you. Jets fans have begun the process of hemorrhaging.

We may now discover that Revis is beef jerky himself.

All jerks aside, Revis may now be forced to eat Bill Belichick Humble Pie at their news conference. When you call genius coaches by a four letter name, you will soon be jerked back to reality.

The deal still could fall through. That’s what happens when jerks get together.


Patriot fans who can read and are smart readers will want to check out NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED at

No Rabbits in Hat for Tom Brady This Time


 rex Rex in Fatter Times

The news was not all good in Boston this weekend. Though the Red Sox won and are going to the World Series of baseball, the New England Patriots failed to pull another last minute/overtime victory out of the magician’s hat.

Tom Brady may have finally run out of rabbits nestling in his derby and aces hiding up his sleeve.

It could also be the powers of the NFL decided to “fix” the game with their arcane calls by referees. Yes, a hapless rookie on the Patriots was called for a personal foul that led to the Jets having a chance to win the game in overtime. The penalty smelled bad.

If anyone ever recalled a football player being cited for a “push,” on the back of a fellow teammate, it must be when they were playing pickup basketball.

So, the NFL will make parity if it cannot achieve it naturally.

Worse yet, the Patriots seem to be settling into Tom Brady’s old age. He made mistakes he never made in the past. Even with the return of the vaunted Gronk, who dropped several important passes, the Patriot juggernaut looked like it was a Stanley Steamer racing against a diesel engine.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Ryan did what his pauper twin brother Rob could not do last week: he beat Brady and Belichick. For the Ryan brothers, this is the sweetest of victories, no matter whether it is the lean or the fat one who wins.

We doubt that the Krafts sitting outside in the elements at the game in the Meadowlands have realized what they have wrought on the field by stiffing the players they don’t like. It may not matter when the team brings you into billionaire territory.

Alas, for the working stiff fans who have relied on a few hours of winning escapism for the better part of a decade, the shutdown of the Patriots offense is merely another luncheon entrée with empty calories after the government shutdown for two weeks.

Lean times have come to the Patriots.

Jets to Play Patriots in a No Sex Zone


This week we learned that the New York Jets are in deep preparation to meet the New England Patriots head on.

According to some sources, coach Rex Ryan has found a time-tested procedure to help his team win on Sunday. He has ordered that they forego sex this week.

Whether foregoing sex means foregoing foreplay, we have no information on the details (where the devil is hiding no doubt). Sex may be loosely defined by those who play fast and loose.

For athletes over decades, if not over a millennia or two, there has been a belief that a performance is dulled by sex too close to game time.

Since this story broke, Rex Ryan has now backtracked on the declaration and claims he never put a sex ban on his team’s red light district wanderings.

We are not sure who is doing bedchecks and to what extent players have been fined for violating the no-fly undone zone.

If Wes Welker were still with the Patriots, we are convinced he would offer some salient foot fetish relish to the hot dog on a bun.

Alas, Bill Belichick does not cotton to that type of talk. We are unsure how many Patriots have decided to go on the injury list to enjoy the fruits of their sex lives.

If the Jets win on Sunday, there may be more evidence that sloppy seconds comes with the territorial imperative.

The Jets are putting the test into testosterone, if not into their testicles. It’s up to the Patriots to break up the game playing and knock up those passed balls.

Sex and the Single Girl revolutionized women, and we may be watching to see if Viagra is put on the forbidden PED list with steroids and other performance enhancers.

Where Will Brady Find 12 Points Against the Jets?


POST GAME COMMENT: We were shocked at how right we were in predicting this game. Tom Brady has no receivers, and he is furious with the Patriots organization for putting him in this situation.


Week after week sports games prove that experts and insiders are wrong more often than not.

So, with experts predicting the New England Patriots will bury the New York Jets in cream puff passes and éclair runs, we are counting more calories than points after.

We keep wondering just to whom Tom Brady will pass the old football when he falls back and looks down field.

Experts claim the Patriots will win by 12 points. Apparently they will shut out the Jets to achieve it.

There will be faces and numbers only vaguely familiar, but they may have arms extended and prayers being extended too to have that ball land on them.

Tom has proven he can hit a player on the numbers. Many players have proven they cannot catch a ball on the numbers.

If there is a story to watch tonight, it shall not be the Patriots in a rout of the Jets. It may be to see if Tom Brady loses his calmness and cool to bash Josh McDaniels on the head, shortening him by another six inches.

If Tom’s travails were not bad enough, the Foxboro fans may be asking experts how does Stevan Ridley learn to hold on to a football in four days.

We presume he will be a walking sticky stick. Anything touching Ridley may need surgical removal when the super glue turns fast.

Nevertheless, the experts claim that the Patriots will be nearly two touchdowns ahead of the Jets.

We wonder if the Patriots will even have a minimum of two touchdowns on this home opener.

Surely you Jets jest. Not so fast, glue sniffers. Ridley and Brady have great skill and talent, but that may not be enough. As the experts often tell us: it’s a team sport.

We don’t see it in this second game of the 2013 season.

Mark Sanchez: the Puddy Tatt on Rex Ryan


Many have seen the bearded lady in the circus, but that may not hold a candle to seeing Rex Ryan with a tattoo on his bicep.

We are not quite at the level of Colin Kaepernick, with long passages of the Bible being flung like Elmer Gantry at the attendees in the revival tent.

Kaepernick comes across as the Hell’s Angels version of the crystal cathedral parish. Rex Ryan’s meager tattoo comes across as the glue-on version of the tough guys in the NFL who are branded like cattle.

Rex apparently had the people he loves most tattooed on his arm. They are, in no particular order, Mark Sanchez and his wife Michelle.

On the body of a young lithe player in a Jets jersey (wearing number six) is the head of the woman whose feet Rex adores.

We wonder what fantasy league star crops up in Rex’s dreams. Is it his wife who turns into Mark Sanchez, or vice versa?

There are worse things in the NFL than having your coach in love with your star quarterback. One is having your head coach tattoo your star’s jersey on his arm. To say it is unique may be an understatement.

Mark Sanchez may be the pinup dream of many, but he likely most appreciates that his head coach keeps him in his thoughts daily. It means no bench is too hard, and no media excoriation is too nasty when the love of your coach means you never have to worry about making the playoffs.