Pats Play Like Baby Jane & King Kong

DATELINE:  Whatever Happened to the Patriots?

 ClayBuchholz

All that talk about Houston being the underdogs suddenly took a turn for the era of upset.  The mighty Casey striking out seemed to be playing in the wrong game in the wrong sport.

We hate raspberry turnovers, and they were more in this game than you could ever expect from the Patriots. For a while we wondered whatever happened to the Patriots before they channeled King Kong yet again.

You certainly never expected to see fumbles and interceptions all in the first half by the Patsies.

We saw the unviewable: Bill Belichick chewing out Eric Rowe. But it was the turning point in the first quarter.

Fans saw Brady sacked very much all season but suddenly it’s a new season, amd the falls were graceless. It all started with a personal foul of unnecessary roughness. Patriots never make that kind of penalty.

You know you’re in trouble when these things happen to start the game that did not seem to be the cakewalk in the park predicted by pundits.  The home team led 14 to 13, but when you’re 16 point favorites, you are in deep Doo Doo with an overflowing septic problem.

Houston started taking down Brady in a manner we haven’t seen since the biplanes knocked King Kong off his perch on the Empire State Building.

Patriots chose the wrong game to play their worst game. Did Tom not wear his sleepware last night to save his essence? It was spilled milk on the field.

Second Half, Sleeper Hold

Mother of Mercy, can this be the end of the Patriots?

Not hardly.  Brady came out firing those surgical passes and scored almost instantly: 90 yards in 9 plays. Dion Lewis added up three touchdown scores in myriad ways.

The guys in stripes then began their efforts to stop Brady and the Patriots. Goodell’s goons allowed manhandling of the star quarterback—and called close calls in favor of the Houston Texans.

Nevertheless, however poorly the Patriots accounted themselves, they could not sink into the abyss of Houston, where the bottom is more profound than former Pats like Wilfork, Izzo, Crennel, Vrabel, and O’Brien could fathom.

If any conclusion can be drawn from the Patriots’ victory by the requisite 17 points everyone predicted, it is that the road to Houston and Super Bowl LI is fraught with sea monsters lurking beneath the placid surface of Gillette Stadium.

Perhaps a good scare is useful.

Don’t Dun the Din, Tom Brady

 DATELINE: Inevitability Meets Tom

whistlegate

A cacophony is growing louder that the Patriots are inevitable favorites to win the Super Bowl.

No team can stand up to the vindictive nature of Tom Brady’s Angry at Goodell Tour, ready to tear the head off every chicken in the coop. Or, Dolphin, as the case may be.

Experts and pundits agree that the Steelers, the Seahawks, the Giants, and even the Cowboys will not match up to the Patriots game day face. Even with the Super Bowl played on foreign soil, in the heart of Texas, the Patriots would seem to be favorites with only a few easily recognized enemies.

You might say that playing the Super Bowl outdoors in cold weather would be the biggest impediment to their victory; however, we know that Tom Brady loves to play in the snow or in the indoors where the only snow is the media blitz. And we know the Cowboys always play indoors where no Buffalo roam.

So the cold weather would not seem to be the worst enemy of Patriotdom in February.

What then might stop the Patriots dead in their tracks?

Why, it would be those guys who play the game in stripes. Yes it’s the referees who could cause the Patriots to become derailed, deboned, and sent reeling.

And whom do these referees work for? You guessed it. The guy named Roger Godowndell, the hated vicious heartless enemy of Tom Brady.

Pass the water jug, Gunga Din. We need a chaser.

Michael Floyd: Asleep at the Switch?

DATELINE: Waiting for His Day on the Field

floyd

Michael Floyd’s week is not necessarily better in New England.  He will likely play against the New York Jets on Christmas Eve. He hopes the Star of Bethlehem shines down upon his sorry soul.

Police released video of him arrested, and forcibly given a blood test for alcohol after a court order.

He seemed like a confused, frightened man unable to follow directions, and clearly worried. Yes, in America in 2016, a black man in a fancy car, stopped by police, might fear he will be shot.

It was the Chandler Jones school of dumb-founded. Like Jones, Floyd’s impairment does not look as bad as it really is: he fell asleep at a red light with the car running. Yikes.

The media jumped on Belichick and asked if he had seen the video when he signed Floyd. How preposterous and absurdist can the media be: the video had only just been released to the public that day.

The hubbub intensity led Michael Floyd to speak to the Boston press in the locker room, protesting that everyone makes mistakes. Well, he did not seem stupid and spoke articulately.

Let’s face it: his popularity in Boston will be in direct correlation to the number of Brady passes he catches against the Jets.

If he has a great game, brings in a couple of touchdowns, he will have sponsors lining up to vouch for him at AA meetings.

If he is a flop, he allegedly faces jail time in Arizona. Let’s be serious: men with millions of dollars and celebrity can hire the best attorneys. Michael Floyd will not be sitting in a jail anytime soon.

Next to Aaron Hernandez, also in the headlines this week for his hacked phone calls, Michael Floyd seems a subdued and contrite figure.

Patriots Eat Up a Storm Against Ravens in Food Fight

DATELINE:  Ravens Still Famished

sandoval diet

Call it the Mustard Bowl.

The Patriots turned on the hot sauce switch at home against the Ravens. Not like any game since Tom’s return have we seen such hot stuff.

Tom Brady was in his best animated mode when Julian Edelman dropped three passes, by throwing a hot tamale on the sideline. It was a side order that dumped chili down the backs of his teammates.

After that, it was all gusto and relish. Patriots gang tackled and Brady went no huddle for the first time all season, wearing out his Raven opponents.

Tom created his special jalapeno sauce and poured it on the open-face sandwich served the dish cold.

Coach Harbaugh was trying to 86 the condiments when he found someone dumped a full bottle of Patriotic ketchup on his plate.  The Patriots started with a safety that emptied the garlic salt in the Raven’s wounds by jumping over the center to stop a field goal.

LaGarrette came out of the attic with a dilly of runs, reaching the most TDs in a season since Curtis Martin, or was that Pepper Martin?

Malcolm Mitchell continued to curry favor with his salsa style play. Brady has found a replacement for his cayenne pepper Gronk whose new movie debut as a mob hit-man in his other career almost overpowered his Patriots Monday Night game.

Joe Flacco’s dyspepsia seemed to be the result of swilling apple vinegar and sucking lemons as the Patriots put salt on the tail feathers of the Ravens. It looked like December turned the Ravens into Brady’s Christmas goose

Yet, the Ravens hung on, pouring on their own hot stuff over Patriot raspberry turnovers—but at the finish, as one Raven superstar said, “It was like taking a bite into a terrible sandwich.”

Our compliments to Galloping Gourmet Belichick.

Sweet Tasting Turnovers Propel Patriots

EINSTEIN'S PICK

DATELINE: Super Nova Puff

Whatever can you say about the Patriots beating the Jets?

Did they deserve to win?  Probably not, if you based the game on the first three quarters. Alas, for Jet fans, the game must be played to its full conclusion.

Without Gronk, mystery injured in the first quarter without a yard to his name, the team looked like Bambi in the headlights. And Harvard passer Ryan Fitzgerald looked like he had just studied string theory. He pulled Brady’s third string defensive line.

As for Tom Terrific, he looked like a man who had missed his gold-dust capsule treatment usually washed down with icy mineral spring water. He seemed gimpy and stiff, missing on third down passes often.

However, despite the problems, something returned that we had not seen all season: raspberry turnovers.

Yes, the Patriots have feasted on turnovers for a dozen years—until this season when a diet seemed to omit the tasty turnovers. Now, we had three turnovers: one of every variety and stripe, from stripped balls from the quarterback to fumble recoveries.

Oh, how tasty indeed the turnover menu makes palatable a so-so game. It was so delicious that it inspired Brady to turn on his youthful energy in the final ten minutes. It certainly meant he would tie Peyton Manning for 200 victories, a milestone amid the gall stones that the Jets forced down Tom’s disrespected urethra.

And we don’t mean Urethra Franklin. But you know how to spell R—E-S-P-E-C-T, N-F-L.

In the weeks ahead, the W in the victor’s column will not have any asterisks nearby. It will simply be another notch in Tom Brady’s gun-belt.

Patriots at a Loss Against Seattle

DATELINE: Down on Defense

Brady beauty rest

Like Hillary Clinton a few scans days ago, we decided not to attend the post game celebration. Like Hillary that glass ceiling above us remains.and dancing on the glass ceiling are the Seattle Seahawks

Don’t talk to us of Super Bowl previews. Somewhere in the night Roger Goodell was smiling. Not only were the Patriots defeated badly, Tom Brady hurt his knee.

Gronk and Brady were gracious in defeat. We could hear the words of Hillary Clinton in our ears. Their egos looks more bruised then anything else.

Bill Belichick still has not found a defense—as his team usually misses tackles. However, Russell Wilson looked like the Second Coming of Tom Brady. Ten years ago, that was Tom.

If the game disappointed you, you probably shouldn’t stay up to watch the Super Bowl. No, we mean the super moon on this night. It won’t happen again for about 20 years. No, not the Super Bowl. We mean Tom winning the big one. Brady will be in that event in 2024 when the Super Moon will have fans howling.

When the Patriots lose, it’s a night only Larry Talbot can love.  If you don’t know Larry, you don’t know bad horror. It’s only a paper Moon, and it’s only one game. It isn’t the game that’s the last game that bestows glory and a trophy.

So, like Hillary Clinton, we offer our concession to the tried and blue state Seahawks under a papier–mâché Moon.

Patriots & Seahawks: Buzz of Pregame Maggots

 DATELINE: Big Game Hype

while tom sleeps

 When the Patriots play the Seahawks in November, it’s just another game—or is it?

At mid-season, with ratings down, and mediocrity on the rise among weekly contests, pundits have elevated the Sunday night encounter from past Super Bowl teams to something akin to a Trump rally. It’s more likely to resemble Hillary’s no-show at the Javits Center on election night.

With Trump supporters Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on one team, you may expect Bernie Sanders protesters to take the field at half-time. Patriot fans are seeing red in a blue state.

The deaf, dumb, and blind media wants to know if Brady will be part of Trump’s kitchen cabinet, and Brady’s wife has threatened to cut off their tails with a carving knife.

Have you ever seen such a sight in your life?

The hype for this game is like watching paint dry, or worse, waiting for your iPhone to crawl to update status.

Fantasy football is the new norm, and this game really is secondary to the success of its parts. Here the individual stats of the stars outshine the notion of teamwork and a winning score.

The parts are more interesting than the sum of the score. The game is like Trans-America credit card scores: use your credit, and your score plummets. Pay on time, and you have a stalemate. There are no winners or losers in mid-November.

Waiting for the Patriots and Seahawks will encourage pre-game analysis by so-called election experts. We just learned how accurate that stuff is.

This game appears to be an appetizer to hold you over until the new season of Hunting Hitler and Curse of Oak Island begin on Wednesday night. It’s a little early for Life Below Zero.

 

 

Early Fan Voting for the Patriots Throws Score into Funk

 DATELINE: Vote Early and Often!

mia-brady

Sports pundits are almost as arrogant as CNN commentators. On the Monday before the surprise election of Donald Trump, they had him sinking faster than a pass interference call in the NFL.

Now we have canvassed the sports pundits and found, to a man, they are picking the Patriots to trash the Seattle Seahawks.

No one has found a secret email from Pete Carroll that disdains the notion of ball security. Indeed, Carroll insists that he has not yet hit the glass ceiling. Most of the Seahawk playbook emails have been purged.

As for the misogynistic Patriots, Tom Brady insists that his support for Trump was overblown, like a four game suspension for lack of hot air. Now Tommy B tells us that he will only do what his semi-billionaire wife tells him. Mum’s the word.

What can you say about guys who marry supermodels like Giselle and Melania?

As to the all-important score, something akin to a spread for gamblers, the Electoral map shows more Patriot red than Seattle blue. However, fans refuse to count on the big men to poop out, unless he happens to be Russell Wilson or Richard Sherman.

We think the Patriots likely to take the three big areas of the game by the slimmest of margins. You can never tell. Pete Carroll may win the popular fan vote, but Belichick will walk away with the electoral college points-after.

If Seattle wins this game, you can count on the social media going into upheaval and riots in the streets of Cambridge as fans demand a recount.

Tom Brady’s promise to make the Patriots great again is now resonating with white males and the under-educated. Belichick insists they are building a defensive wall to keep out those who do not stand for the National Anthem.

Thank heavens that football is apolitical.

Patriots Not in a Family Way, According to Jamie Collins

DATELINE:  Family Ties

 Belichick

Traded from the possible Super Bowl winning Patriots to the possible 0-16 Browns, Jamie Collins has told the media that the Patriots lacked a family atmosphere.

This may come as a shock to those who think the Pats are really a reincarnation of The Brady Bunch, led by Pop Warner Belichick.  It seems Collins saw Belichick more like ‘Pop Goes the Weasel.’ According to Collins, Belichick is about as warm and fuzzy as Ma Barker.

Someone should tell Collins that “cosa nostra” often is translated as “our family.”

Robert Kraft has made billions for the Pats family—and every player receives a weekly allowance that ends up in the tax deduction bracket for dependents, amounting to millions

If you mention to the Gronk Brothers that there is no family atmosphere in New England, they’d probably start a sibling rivalry.  Wasn’t it James Cagney who shouted, “Top of the World, Ma”? and promptly blew himself up in the notorious crime drama White Heat.

How can we fault Bill Belichick if he is more like Ma Kettle and less like June Cleaver? We never thought of Jamie Collins as the Beaver. He was more like ALF living with earthling family.

If you want a nurturing family environment, you won’t be living with Belichick’s version of A Lion in Winter. Wasn’t that the family drama where Kate Hepburn tried to get her son Anthony Hopkins to murder his father Peter O’Toole? Talk about a royal pain in the rear.

Jamie Collins saw himself as Rudy. And Bill Belichick saw him as The Waterboy. Collins was looking for bromance in the locker room, and he wound up with a horse’s head in his bed.

Every family has its ups and downs.

Belichick Blows Smoke Screen

DATELINE: Nearer to Thy Maker in Pittsburgh, Thanks to Mad Magazine

two-cigars

 

Pittsaburger has lost its Rothlisberger for the Patriots game. Hold that ketchup.

Mere mortals might worry that their team was in jeopardy of losing to the Brady Vindication Tour, but not those meatheads from Pittsburgh.

The Steelers have lost their quarterback for this game—and the Patriots have lost their iPad knockoffs. In far worse news, Wednesday was the last day to register to vote in the upcoming MMA bout between Trump and Clinton.

The NFL marquee matchup has lost its luster. You saw more action in the 21st century version of the Lincoln-Douglas debacle debate between the Trumpeter and the Hildebeest.

ESPN, the alleged network that made up Deflategate, now claims the Patriots are dirtier than a presidential campaign, asserting the Pats play is dirtiest in NFL.  Do these guys ever watch games?

How worried is Swami Bill?  This week, historical for those nasty debates and a charity dinner that Clinton and Trump turned most uncharitable, also marked the longest pregame press conference ever held by the Head Coach.

Yup, the laconic HC turned loquacious for once. He even extended his required NFL time with the press because he was feeling so wordy. His staff tried to pull him off-stage, but Bill stayed with the ones he loved: his media buds. He took a couple of additional questions.

If he wanted to portray an air of ease and charm, he came off like a tanned and rested Richard Nixon. He talked football history and coaches he admired. It was enough to send shivers into Pittsburgh.

If Belichick had lit up a Red Auerbach (the legendary Celtics coach always puffed on a stogie before the final buzzer when he felt confident) victory Cuban cigar at the podium, it would have had the same effect.

In the immortal words of Alfred E. Neumann, “What? Me worry?”

Belichick Sends Tablet to IR

DATELINE: Technophobe

etch-a-sketch

Bill Belichick has rejected use of the Surface, a Microsoft version of the iPad for in-game, on-field usage.

The grumpy old man of football has given all those post-60 types cause to celebrate dumping tea into Boston Harbor. Yes, we saw Swami Bill smash his tablet during a game a few weeks ago. Now he has tossed his tablet into the harbor as a form of protest.

We were reminded of Moses smashing the tablets he brought down from the mountain for similar reasons.  It was hard to get a handle on them.

Of course, Microsoft has responded with more than a bit of shock that the greatest coach in the NFL today has tossed out their product as unreliable. It seems they need an aspirin tablet after failing to live up to Swami Belichick’s high standard.

Younger types might snicker at the old reprobate turned technophobe, but purists will take pictures over fancy screen words every time.

The Patriots head coach didn’t just reject tablets with a wave of the hand. The laconic Belichick who never has words for any occasion, devoted five minutes to run down the notion as, “I have given them as much time as I can give them.”

Wow, this ought to make Stephen Gostowski worry about his next missed point-after.

Belichick went on to dun all technology—from headsets to the abacus. “Those fail on a regular basis. There are very few games that we play, home or away, day, night, cold , hot preseason, regular, season, postseason where there aren’t issues in some form or fashion with the equipment.”  Talk about taking a broad brush in a high handed fashion.

In short, Bill Belichick has moved on from the 21st century technology. He is on to the Stone Age. And our fellow Neanderthals love it.

Victory for Brady & Pats Again

 DATELINE: Unsportsmanlikefulvous yellow

The Patriots had a Bengal Tiger by the tail for the second half of the game at Foxboro, according to the referees who came to the game directly from their meeting at the Old Ladies Sewing Circle.

A most unhappy lot of Bengals were playing over their heads in the first half, mostly heady over sacking Tom Brady repeatedly. Thank heavens the offensive line gave no more offense by half-time. Tom does not approve of Tony the Tiger and Sugar Frosted Flakes, and so the Bengal Tigers probably incensed him.

When the momentum changed, the Bengal pussycats started to show their claws. The Cincinnati team had a lean and hungry look—and such teams are exceedingly dangerous.

They even took to baiting Gronk, who never quite lost it as he did in this game. We saw a most uncharacteristic Gronk being called for unsportsmanlike conduct, worse apparently than taunting the enemy.

We know Gronk was not feeling well because he was doing a shimmy shake at the goal line when LaGarrette Blount mixed it up with the Bengals.

Gronk agitated is a sight to behold. When he came off the field, he seemed to make a case to a mostly sympathetic Swami Belichick, but the real support came from Jimmy G and Devon McCourty who congratulated him on his bad sportsmanship on the sidelines.

Brady seemed to need a few extra minutes to raise up his hackles. By the second half, he made mincemeat of the Bengals—and gave Gronk one of his biggest career days for yardage.

It seems highly likely that Brady may have more yards than quarterbacks who will have played all sixteen regular season games, having done his work neatly in a dozen games.

On to Pittsburgh with the Roger Goodell Memorial Tour.

Heads Up for the Cincinnati Game with Patriots

DATELINE: Gost or Ghost?

etch-a-sketch

We’re on to Cincinnati.  The only problem is that the Patriots are not going to Cincinnati. The Bengal lancers are coming here to Foxboro.

For Patriot fans, it’s like Caligula reading in the programme that he’s on to the lions. No, not those in Detroit. The lions come to Caligula.

Local media are celebrating this occasion as if Guy Fawkes succeeded in blowing up Parliament.

The Bengals can’t change their spots for this game. And, they are on the spot for sure. What? You mean they prefer pinstripes. Who do they think they are? The Yankees?

If the lowly Bengals garner any sympathy, it is for being brave as they are thrown across the sacrificial altar before having their heart ripped out or head chopped off.

No one gives them much of a chance against the Tom-Brady-Jack-the-Ripper-Slash-and-Smash-the-NFL World Tour.

We almost feel sorry for the Bengalese, except for the dictum that on any given Sunday anyone can win. We feel that complacency may be playing on the wrong side of the gridiron this week, though we are sure the vigilant Swami Bill Belichick won’t let his team forget their mission, Mr. Phelps.

No, if you want to feel sorry for anyone, it’s probably Stephen Gostkowsky, one-time perfect kicker for eleven seasons and replacement for Tom Brady’s kicking counterpart—the ageless Adam Vinatieri.

The man replaced and sent into Indianapolis exile by Bill Belichick is still kicking like a chorus girl. Gostkowsky has started to miss—and the traveling guillotine show of Darth Belichick may make the Sunday afternoon more ghoulish than the Marquis de Sade passing judgment on field goals.

Tom Brady Remains Invisible

DATELINE:  Post Suspended Animation

 Brady Unmasked

 

We can’t see him. He’s like a tree in the forest.

Tom Brady returned to Foxboro as the Invisible Man. He may only look like Claude Rains when he is wrapped up like a mummy.

No one can see him. Another nefarious plot by Swami Belichick has rendered Tom Brady with a cloaking device. Captain Kirk never saw a cloaking device like this one.

Tom is the new Area 51. We know he’s there. People have taken pictures, but he melts away. You will be forced to ask Patriot players to take us to your leader, but it is more likely the Patriots have seen little green men rather than Tom Brady.

Everyone denies seeing him lately.

When Tom showed up at Gillette after his four game exile to Elba, the media was blind to his presence. Players swore that, if he was back, they had neither seen nor heard him.

Tom Who is the new mantra.

It works too. If teamwork is all, and there is no savior coming down from heaven to save them, then you will not take note of Tom Brady. Was he absent for a month of Sundays? It does not matter.

No teammate will acknowledge that he was gone, or that he has returned.  They won three games as a team, not with Tom Brady’s replacements. The next man always steps up to do the job. And, now, with all the young QBs in hospital condition, Tom Brady will step up and step in.

No big deal. Tom who? Oh, that guy from La Dolce Vita who was hounded by Paparazzi.  He’s around here somewhere.

No Shut Out Before Its Time

DATELINE: Bad Day at Gillette

 Belichick

Today’s game at Foxboro was almost as laughable as one of those “dramas” for pinheads constantly advertised during games on CBS.

The Buffalo Bills buffaloed their way into Gillette Stadium in a fashion not seen by the home team since they played at Shaeffer Stadium. Indeed, the last time the Pats were shut out at home was 1993.

At long last the Patriots played the way everyone expected without Tom Brady.

You could say the Patriots were at a disadvantage. The Bills actually came to play.

When you see Bill Belichick smash his iPad into the benches, you know it may be less than a thrill-per-minute game. Rex Ryan looked ecstatic.

Missed tackles, a missed field goal, and a young QB make for a long, dreary afternoon. There was no sunshine, and the Patriots seemed to shun the limelight. When you put up no points in the first half, you may be on the road to defeat.

We looked hard for Edelman and Gronk, but they seemed to be waiting for Tom’s return. The young QB with the bad thumb looked like he might not get a ride home from the stadium if he stuck out that thumb for a hitchhike.

The high point of the game was the tailgate that seemed to scoff at deflategate. Alas, the Buffalo Bills gave the Pats the gateway to losing.

If you were waiting for the wind to change, you might want to wait till next weekend. A hurricane may come to New England, and we aren’t talking soccer.

A dozen penalties by the Patriots also seemed like a bouquet to Roger Goodell.