Time for This Year’s Tofu Turkey Nominees!

DATELINE: Tofu Turkey Nominees

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We have reached that benighted time of the season when our annual Tofu Turkey Awards must be given. Boston has spread its usual list of losers nationwide this year. We are proud to say that many of our nominees have reputations that precede them like Pepe LePew.

It takes a particular mix of hubris, idiocy, and power, to combine into a combustible formula for disaster. This year the sports world has been cursed with more than enough to pass around. We could have multiple winners this season when real turkeys are not as appalling as fake ones.

Our list of nominees in no particular order of odor.

ROGER GOODELL.  The Commissioner of the NFL has gone out of his way to be an egregious Grinch this year. He has single-handedly tried to destroy the career of one of his league’s greatest stars, Tom Brady. By inventing and holding on to Deflategate as if it were the Hope Diamond, Goodell has proven his ability to be blind when it comes to justice to no one’s good.

BEN CHERINGTON.  The former Red Sox general manager has already lost his job over ineptness. But, we have no compunctions about kicking a man when he’s down for the count. Cherington recently parlayed his bad management skills into a visiting graduate professor at Columbia University recently, showing those who can’t do, can always teach.

AARON HERNANDEZ. You’d think this stiff would be in the Tofu Hall of Shame by now, but he still has a double murder trial coming up in January—though his Ninja attorneys continue to attempt to have the previous jury decision of guilty thrown out by impugning jurors. The next trial may double our fun.

NESN. New England’s own Cable Sports Network, not to be confused with its sister news station NECN managed to do the impossible. They fired Don Orsillo, long time beloved voice of the Red Sox for no apparent reason. The true recipient of the Tofu Turkey likely belongs to media mogul Tom Werner, part-time owner of the Sox, who fancies himself as an expert in entertainment. Yes, he hired Cosby, folks, and has capped his career by firing Orsillo. Clearly this man is full of Tofu.

ESPN.  Going hand in glove with the NFL, the backpocket media arm of Roger Goodell manages to fire people who defend the New England Patriots, cancel any show that shows intelligence, and keeps liars like Chris Mortensen aboard their sinking ship. Losing credibility seems to help their ratings. We believe a Tofu Turkey is deserved, but only you the voters can decide.

So, that is the slate. If it resembles a Republican primary ballot, we apologize. We couldn’t add Bernie Sanders to the group because he hates emails—which warms the Tofu Turkey heart.

We have asked Donald Trump to bestow this year’s honor, but he is too busy doing standup comedy on NBC, a previous Tofu Turkey winner.

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NESN Kingpin Beheads WEEI

DATELINE: HUMOR

JUNKYARD pooch

A few days ago we called on WEEI, one of Boston’s all-sports talkfest stations, to rid itself of gadfly Kirk Minihane, a self-professed iconoclast.

He finds a rock to hide under on the Dennis & Callahan Morning Show at the radio station. Latest brouhaha with him was hardly a haha funny moment in which he called a fellow media reporter/analyst a “gutless bitch,” though the sobriquet might better fit him.

We did not think that host cable network NESN, owned by King John Henry VIII, would be the one to call for the removal of the head of Minihane. Yet, lo and behold, NESN has announced that they are severing all ties to Dennis, Callahan, WEEI, and Minihane.

What more do you need, Entercom Productions? Fox Network, no bastion of honor, has even told its talent to avoid your station and that show in particular.

Local liberals have hated D&C Morning Show for ages. The two sports-savvy hosts are too conservative for the area. They are also too intelligent and knowledgeable. They have however gone wrong in an attempt to appeal to ratings. Minihane is a step in the wrong direction.

Oddly enough, John Dennis and Jerry Callahan may find new jobs when their contract runs out in September as they have some abilities. Yet, it is Minihane who will inherit the show, as he is the last one under contract by WEEI.

We will miss the occasional peek at the simulcast show that often stole our best humor for their own edification.

Fanboys of Boston Media

DATELINE:  Fanboys Undressed

An important and venerable Boston sportswriter and lately media star does not need the money or the work. He has pointed out the emperors with new togs as an embarrassment. Now he is anathema (though those he criticizes don’t know the word).

Alleged sports insiders are mere shills on sports radio and television for their own aggrandizement and work like whores for the teams they cover. General Hooker had them too and gave them an appropriate name.

They make the term ‘homer’ look quaint and anachronistic. These new boys of the media are pals with the players and love to have their proverbial ass grabbed by owners.

And who could blame them? It’s the only sure way to gain access to the clubhouse to have warm and fuzzy interviews with tough young men who make millions.

Bromance is a new word that falls short in describing the kind of satyriasis these fanboys have the athletes whose jocks they uncover. Hookers indeed.

Those of us who sneer at players and point out the follies of ownership are shunned more than Typhoid Mary. You won’t see Ossurworld on any talk radio shows—and some websites censor any material or reference to Ossurworld blogs and books.

The power of power is corrupting to the weak-minded, and there is no better way to describe the overly enthusiastic putative “reporters” who cover the Bruins, Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics. They have no vocabulary or understanding of anything beyond yesterday’s scores.

They are on par with the bloggers on big websites that think they are the next generation of media stars, waiting to replace the dinosaurs of print media.

For every Bob and Dan, there are dozens of of Mikes, Kirks, Robs, and plenty of Dicks.

Any insight from these fellows is about as rancid as cheese from a mousetrap. Eat at your own peril. Yet, adolescent fans swallow the crap daily—and adolescence now extends to 45, moving quickly on 50.

If you are older or seem older, you are dismissed as suffering the next stage of dementia for criticizing pampered and deranged PED/pet players. The acronym networks grow these dim bulbs out of season and dump them on the sports market.

Sports are the lifeblood of many because they have no life beyond watching a game. How sad.