Mile High Has Enough Air for Patriots


DATELINE:  Like Peaches & Herb, Brady & Bennett Sing

Peaches & Herb

What used to give the Patriots the bends is now like air from a deflated football.

Denver used to send chills down the spine of their quarterback; now Tom Brady seems as home in the stadium as Peyton Manning where noise in the clouds hinders most.

With a convincing victory, it’s on to Mexico City where the air is half a mile thinner at 7000 feet. Thank you, Roger Goodell, for such a schedule. You deserve $50million per year and a private jet for life.

Now see if Jerry Jones has any intention of giving you anything more than the air out of a Tom Brady football.

The Pats seemed like their old selves in both defense and offense.

In terms of offense, despite the curse of the broken mirror, the more things change, the more it seems like last season. Why, bless our pointed heads, fans, but there on the field was Martellus Bennett, the original black unicorn.

Though facing surgery in Frost Bite Falls with the Packers and embroiled in legal issues, he was able to catch several Brady passes for great yardage, giving Gronk all he wanted for Christmas.

Von Miller, vaunted Denver defender, might exchange Instagram challenges with Tom Brady, as they did this week, but when push comes to shove, millennial photos on social media are not enough to sack Brady.

In terms of the dangerous seat next to Brady on the bench, vacant often this season since the disappearance of Julian Edelman, like the kidnapping of a Getty grandson, it found a new occupant.

Fearless of curses, and familiar as an old shoe, Brian Hoyer thought nothing of sitting next to Brady while the Denver offense sputtered on the field with their former great Manning replacement having returned to no avail and little consequence.

When it comes to homecoming reunions, no one does it better than the Patriots and Marty Bennett.

On to the deflated atmosphere of earthquaking Mexico City.





Return of Martellus?

 DATELINE:  Patriot Resurrection Possible


Martellus Bennett, the tight end who danced with the cheerleaders at the Super Bowl last season, and bailed out of the Patriots for Green Bay, is now available.

Is Bill Belichick interested?  It may well be, based on Bill’s past history; he loves to resurrect the dead.

Martellus (Don’t Call Me Marty) Bennett has been a flop out there in Frost Bite Falls, and with no great QB (Aaron Rodgers broke his collarbone) to sustain his antics, he may be ready for Tommy Time.

Poor Martellus has been bereft and without any TDs—or friends.  He played seven lackluster games with the Cheese Packers. With some disagreement about his medical condition, and with a threat he will retire after eight more games, Bennett made himself available to other teams when Green Bay sent him packing.

He needs to reconnect with the Brady bunch to regain his equilibrium.

The sudden move reminds us of the strange situation with the Pittsburgh Steelers a few years back who released a certain player for the Patriots to pick up just in time for a playoff run.

Now, the dire need of another tight end could mean that Belichick is considering more reunions.

He just brought back Lazarus Brian Hoyer from the dead San Fran 49ers.

So, returning a Gronk complement from the Cheesey Green Bay team seems rather likely.

Can Danny Woodhead be far behind? Might Rob Ninkovitch come out of retirement?

Bennett, fan of sci-fi, author of a kid’s book before Julian Edelman, savant of nothing in particular, was a delight in the locker room for his teammates and a media darling.

Will Belichick take another oddball tight end to go with the masterpiece of TEs, Gronk? We hope so.

2016 Patriots Leave Town for Good

 DATELINE:  Road Taken for One Season


The mass exodus of the players from the 2016 Patriots team is under way with free agency and trades.

There are no long goodbyes in New England, but there are plenty of short stays, usually one season.

When Bill Belichick is in charge of your passport, you may be gone quicker than an illegal immigrant suffering from President Trump’s executive orders.

The latest Patriot to say goodbye is Mahhhhty Bennett. He may be one of the few who understands what he is giving up here for the money. We will always remember his dance with the cheerleaders, pom-poms high after Super Bowl LI.

In reality, most NFL players are all hired guns, like something out of The Magnificent Seven. For a few pesos, they do the dirty work short term.

NFL owners will pay any price to own a piece of the True Cross, in other words any former Patriot touched by the magic of Tom Brady.

So, there are Patriots at the Foxboro train station, their bags packed, looking wistfully over their shoulders, hoping Bill Belichick will show up with a satchel full of money. But he never comes, and they must must go.

Like Rick and Ilsa in Casablanca, these quondam Pats will always have SB 51.

Don’t’a Hightower, Logan Ryan, and even LeGarrette Blount are all ready to go.  Chris Long caught an early train. Someone from the front office may even be packing Jimmy G’s suitcase.

Not every NFL player is lucky enough to meet and marry a billionaire supermodel, like Tom Brady. Heaven knows Julian Edelman tried in 2016. However, we heard his supermodel girlfriend has kicked him out of bed–and she too is at the train station, also ready to leave Foxboro with the players.

If Julian wants a supermodel, he better grab Danny Amendola while he is available.

Home Field Won at Last Game for Patriots in 2016

DATELINE:  Super Bowl or Bust


If the Patriots had lost in Miami to end the season, we’d have a catastrophe of media madness. Everyone picked the Brady boys in a cakewalk.

Indeed, the Patriots walked semi-roughshod over the Dolphins, including a dustup or two between Sweet Suh and LaGarrette Blount.

Scores and play-by-play are for cable news, but here we will tell you that Julie E trash talked his way into an early unsportsmanlike penalty. He was shut up by staff after that. He remained chippy and chirpy.

After Martellus Bennett caught a Brady touchdown pass, he could be seen on the bench after the play, eating a banana. Perhaps he is worried about his potassium level, or impending cramps in the hot-house humidity of Miami. We did not see Jimmy G and his smelling salts.

Moreover, the defense started looking like wilting flowers in the second half, but still Devin McCourty managed to punch a ball out of a Dolphin’s fins—and made the signature takeaway turnover.

We saw Michael Floyd drinking on the sidelines. It was Gatorade, of course, and unlike the pampered retinue of Patriots, he held his own bottle.

He also dragged about six Dolphins with him as he fought like the last man at the Alamo to reach the goal-line. It was impressive, but nearly matched by a block he threw on another Fish to spring Julian loose for the longest touchdown run of Edelman’s career.

In terms of the usual and the pedestrian, Tom Brady threw three more touchdowns—settling a new NFL record for ratio of TD to INT. That is 28 to 2. There, a lousy stat made it into the blog.

Having not lost a road game this season, the Patriots will now play all their playoff games at home—where they lost two games. Go figure.



New England Patriot Space Cadets Blast Off!

DATELINE: Major Tom Gone for 4 Weeks in Space?


Pardon us if we start to sniff smelling salts. After watching Jimmy G, temporary star QB of the Patriots, achieve a nirvana of passing after smelling the salts, we feel justified in our 19th century damsel routine.

If Jimmy G is another Boston spaceshot, needing stimulants to achieve his pinnacle, we can only laud him for not falling down in a faint during the National Anthem.

Among the curios of the Patriots this season, we have found replacements to be better than a bad Keanu Reeves football movie.

Jimmy G has, of course, supplanted Tommy B in the hearts of those looking for lanterns in the belfry around Boston.

And, now, to prove spaceshots in Boston did not end with Spaceman Bill Lee, now running for governor of Vermont on the libertarian ticket—and soon to be equaled by Curt Schilling who will be running for senator from Massachusetts against Pocahontas Warren, we have discovered Martellus Bennett.

Yes, Gronk’s mirror image, the tight end to block till your heart bleeds, is a spaceshot on NASA’s guest list.

After wearing a NASA baseball cap during post-game interviews and expressing his interest in science and astronomy, NASA nerds sent him a twittering textual invitation. He readily has accepted, being in the mind to write a sci-fi novel.

Well, that trumps Gronk who barely can spell soufflé and seems to be one of the experiments of Ancient Aliens. At least Gronk didn’t go on Dancing with the Stars like Ryan Lochte circling Uranus. Talk about starry star power.