Celtic Jaylen Brown: Out with Bad Eyesight

DATELINE:  No Attitude Glasses for Jaylen

how smart is this guy?

Marcus Smart in Attitude Glasses

Boys who wear glasses seldom make passes in the NBA.

We’re not sure if we should tip our cap to Dorothy Parker or Ogden Nash.

The Green Lantern of the Boston Celtics, also known as Jaylen Brown, was unable to play basketball last night because he didn’t clean his contact lens properly. He can’t wear goggles like Kyrie.

It can happen to anyone, but sometimes your lens cleaning falls awry and the lens can result in redness and other problems. You will have to take out the lens and not wear it until the eye clears up.

The young Celtic superstar in the making has found that he must revert to his Clark Kent eyeglasses for the foreseeable future.

Jaylen Brown couldn’t play wearing glasses, knowing the last person to do that with some Los Angeles Laker 30 years ago.

So, Jaylen  had to stay in the locker room and tend to his red eye. As the resident intellectual of the team, we think he would look good in glasses on the court. Court

Jaylen, of course, reads voraciously, plays chess dress like a Grand Master, and plays a fortissimo piano.

We suspect that he uses eyeglasses when accomplishing great achievement in those fields. However, being a rock star celebrity of basketball is not in the field of vision.

Eyeglasses being anathema, Jaylen was unable to allow photographs of him with four eyes. We hope his eye clears up soon and he will be back out on the court with his fellow Hardy boy and basketball brother, Jayson Tatum.

Marcus Smart has worn fake eyeglasses to look smart, but Jaylen really is smart.

 

 

 

Tofu Turkey Awards of 2016

DATELINE:  Losers, All

 tofu turkey

We’ve decided to announce this year’s Tofu Turkey Award winner at our Super Bowl party. How appropriate.

You’d think the year Trump won the presidency would be a year filled with turkeys, but you couldn’t touch the fake turkey dished out during this football season.

Our Nominees have not given a Meryl Streep-style speech to improve the odds of winning by bashing President Trump.

Without ado, here are this year’s candidates:

ROGER GOODELL.  Though he ought to be retired into the Hall of Shame of Tofu Turkeys, he is working hard, like Meryl Streep, at playing all kinds of roles and keeping tabs on his bloated salary as Commissioner of NFL crimes. He punishes the innocent and lets the guilty off the hook repeatedly.

LIBERAL ELECTION PROTESTERS.  Decrying the hate and intolerance of Trump supporters, these benighted dimwits epitomize the nature of hate and intolerance. We know better than to stand in front of a bunch of marching women. They’d throw out the US Constitution and the Electoral College with the decry baby’s bath water.

COMIC BOOK-BASED MOVIES.  Once again we have been inundated with superhero movies, from Suicide Squad to Batman v. Superman. We only wish the wasted billions of dollars to produce drivel had been spent on intelligent, original scripts. Call us if you want one.

DAVID ORTIZ.  He retired at the top of his game, but went around the Major League Baseball parks collecting accolades and heaped praise. He won just about every award in New England, and we felt he deserved a shot at being a Tofu Turkey for leaving the game of baseball while playing like a man in his prime.

MARCUS SMART.  The Celtics player with the most hairdo-do managed to make an oxymoron out of his own name by fighting with his coaches on the bench during a game—and storming off to the locker room in the fourth quarter. He’s a longshot with a career ahead of him equal to the insanity displayed by Rajon Rondo (retired into the Tofu Turkey Hall of Fame).

Vote early and often, but remember: the popular vote never wins.

 

Trade Marcus Smart Now—for Rajon Rondo

DATELINE: Bad Apples

 

Rondo Finds Love Bring Back Rondo

Once again we are considering the issue, just how smart is Marcus? After arguing with three coaches and storming off the court in the fourth quarter, Marcus Smart apparently went into the visiting locker room and put either his foot or his fist through a wall.

He has since apologized, and Coach Stevens has since said he will pay for any damage. What was he taking? A prescription medicine? Or something more direct from the bottle?

We can only say after his heartfelt apology to fans that we believe he actually wrote. Most of those institutional apologies are written by team lawyers. Nevertheless, Danny Ainge, you should be looking to trade Marcus Smart for any bag of chips you can find in Chicago.

Even in his glorious days at his spectacular worst, Rajon Rondo never reached these depths of the smart Marcus. We hear Rondo’s on the trading block and would advocate trading Smart for Rondo.

It would be like going from the fire into the frying pan, but at least Rondo knows how to cook.

How could you go wrong? One looney tune for another except we think Rondo would actually be copacetic.

After this latest incident, Brad Stevens called Smart, “Willful.” This is hardly a compliment on any scale.

When you bring back Rondo, this problem can be eliminated by making him a player/coach.

 

Marcus Smart’s New Hairline Fracture

 DATELINE:  Parting the C’s New Hairdo

Smarting from Wince

 

The bad news is there is not much Boston Celtic star Marcus Smart can do to improve his looks.

The good news is that there is not much he can do that would make himself look any worse.

His new antediluvian hairstyle revealed this week has managed to knock Colin Kaepernick off his flagpole sitting stunt.

If there was an angel sitting on Smart’s shoulder during the visit to the hairdresser, his wings were clipped as well.

Icarus fell from the sky after this hairstyle took off.

Marcus should go to the head of the supermarket check out line, knocking Peyton Manning’s ugly bathrobe off the coupon list.

Smart’s new look makes Ryan Lochte look like a dishwater blonde.

This sugar bowl haircut seems to evince curds and whey. Something has curdled way beyond the expected.

If you stick a feather in this haircut, you can call it macaroni.

We believe this is the first bona fide example of b-ball hairball the cat dragged in.

If he is lucky, young Marcus will soon be at the Hair Club for Men.

Smart’s smartphone uses his head as a Bluetooth receptor.

Director Cecil B. DeMille could have used this headshot as the climactic moment when Moses parted the Red Sea. This C-section parallel has more parts than a movie with a cast of thousands.

The winner of HORSE wears this haircut. We cannot imagine what the loser looks like, perhaps a horse’s rear.

This was the look the Bride of Frankenstein worked so hard to achieve.

We can only say in Smart’s defense that Lady Gaga is jealous, but we hope there is a pot of gold for the Celtic leprechaun at the end of this rainbow ‘do.

Celtics Look Done for Another Year

DATELINE: When Likeable Isn’t Enough

Like the cicada, we come out of hiding every decade or so to re-dedicate ourselves to the Boston Celtics.

We thought this should be the year. The Celtics have a born-again Red Auerbach coach in Brad Stevens. We have become totally devoted to this remarkable superstar coach, and he has brought the team to the playoffs.

But this is not the year for the Celtics. Glaring holes in the roster emerged when Avery Bradley and Kelly Olynyk fell to the injury curse. Stevens played ten all season—and now, like an Agatha Christie mystery, the team has only eight.

Oh, we have been delighted with the Rondo replacement: the IT boy. Yes, there once was an IT girl, Theda Bara. She had it. Well, Isaiah Thomas has “it” too. We didn’t think there was a cure for the fatal flaw of Rajon, but “IT” is it.

We still have Jelly O’Sully on the roster, that remarkable combo of Sullinger and Olynyk, though some say its day is now over. The summer season will see one, if not both, gone with haste while Danny Ainge finds superstars to replace them.

We like the rookie who never played much this season: he reminds us of Kevin McHale in his posture and body language.

We have come to appreciate Evan Don’t Call Him Turnover Turner, and we have come to watch Marcus smarten up. His gold Mohawk has grown on us too–even if Fort Knox loses its golden locks.

Yet, the team is not ready for the Final series. It’s a shame because we truly liked this bunch. What returns next season won’t be the same.

Marcus Smart’s Crotch Problem

DATELINE: Crotchety Smart

Marcus Smart of the Celtics was fined $15,000 for an obscene gesture aimed at the referees. Please, don’t shoot with the itchy trigger finger.

In a world of endless and myriad ways to convey an obscene gesture, we are usually left with a startling image in the highlight reel. However, no NBA videotape has been allowed to surface.

And, the reason is that Smart did something stupid. He grabbed his crotch. If there is a word seldom heard in the NBA, it is scrotum.

For the most part, everyone refers to balls. The bigger the better.

Now that seems miniscule in the scheme of big boys playing.

For all we know, poor Marcus Smart suffers daily from jock itch. It is entirely possible the ball passed to him was not properly dusted with Gold Bond Powder in the pregame rituals. Hence, he grabbed the offending part of his body.

He got game, and maybe he got crabs.

We hate to think of the heartbreak of psoriasis being at the root of Smart’s groin problem. Perhaps it is far worse than crabs. Maybe Marcus has scabies. There is an alarming crisis among scabies—and that pompadour ‘do with the golden tips is a sort of motel for those pesky pests.

In a world of mighty mites, the smaller men are known for ball handling—and perhaps he had a fistful of cooties in his flowing and airy pantaloons.

We can only think of the old adage about the crotch was full of fleas.

Is there no sympathy in the NBA for a young man suffering from overly active rash? Powder or liquid, Smart’s pubic requirement is Tinactin.

Celtics Play Hair Ball

 DATELINE: Hairless in Boston

Featured image

We have been scratching our heads over Jared Sullinger and Marcus Smart. We haven’t seen such a hairball since the cat got sick.

They remain #36 and 7 in our programme, but there is a hint of Mini-me and his master in their demeanor.

If you are looking for clones in pint size, Jared Sullinger has met his match.

If you think Sullinger lost weight this summer as he promised, you may have been hoodwinked by the misdirection to the top of his head.

We are not sure if this will fool opposing players into thinking they are looking at #36 when #7 is actually dribbling the ball.

We are not sure if this new hair style is meant to fool Danny Ainge into thinking his large round Sullinger has melted into a lithe and smaller Sullinger.

Birds of a feather often fly together, but we aren’t sure just yet that the hair is flying or just the feathers of a peacock.

Both Celtics players now sport a Mohawk hairdo with a golden comb, like Foghorn Leghorn.

We will miss Jelly O’Sully this season, but right now we seem to have Jarhead Smartullinger, the newest Green to Gold craze.

As we recall, fellow New Englander Robert Frost wrote a poem about green going to gold. We had no idea he was a Celtic fan. We had no idea Sullinger was a Frost fan. Never the Mark Twain shall meet again.

Welcome to the Hair Club for Celtics.

Smarty Pants in a Celtics Uniform

DATELINE: Smarty Pants

how smart is this guy?

Marcus Smart has already begun the process of replacing Rajon Rondo. He certainly has overtaken Rondo’s sense of fashion as his first step.

It is not hubris, nor is it premature to arrive at the conclusion that Rondo has indeed been replaced. Smart will not be another Maxwell—no, not Cedric—but rather, we mean the inept secret agent. Agent 36 seems to be his own best friend.

Our theory for years has centered on the reality of instant stardom. The real stars, the genuine article, the super impact player, arrive on the scene and show no need to grow, to develop, or to acclimate. He may do all of those, but the factors would be secondary to his star qualities.

Marcus Smart is a star in the order of Larry Bird. Like Bird, he will be the centerpiece of a new Big Three or however many it takes to return Celtic greatness.

If we were to guess, he already has his Kevin McHale in the body of Kelly Olynyk. It could also be that Jared Sullinger is the other missing link. They will ape the original big three and the second coming of the big three, and will inspire a third helping of Divine Three.

The team may not be much right now, but it could be playoff ready by end of season. And, Smart will lead them through the desert to find another banner. He is carrying stone tablets in his front smarty pants pocket.

As for our beloved target of many years, Rajon Rondo was seen smiling on the court while playing for the Mavericks. He has gone to a better place—and we think he will be happier than toiling where he was despised by so many “purists.”

Smart, like Bird, seems to have that basic gift that will render critics silent. Fasten your seatbelts, Green Teamers, the ride may be bumpy—but we are off on a decade-long adventure with Mr. Smart. He is no 86. Call him Agent 36.

Rondo Has Screw Loose

DATELINE: HUMOR

Celtics Smart Players

Yes, it’s true. Rajon Rondo missed Saturday’s game against the Chicago Bulls. He went to the doctor to have a screw removed.

And, you thought he lost all his screws years ago.

It’s a decent screw and we hope Rondo keeps it as a memento. After all, it’s not every day you are unscrewed.

On the up side of this situation, this gives Phil Pressey a big opportunity to turn the screw on his fellow guards. The little big man has not played much so far this season, only a few garbage minutes.

3some

Now he can show that he’s not the only one with a stern father sitting in the stands. Heretofore, Jared Sullinger’s military pop has shown us what tough really means. Pressey has a former NBA daddy who never gave out much sugar.

Our faith in Phil’s better half of Jelly O’Sully has proven to be accurate and well-deserved so far. Fans are standing agog at Kelly Olynyk’s sharp play. Is he the answer we have been waiting for? He is, especially when coupled with his better half, Sullinger.

Now if only Smart can learn how to tape his ankles, we may have a dynasty in the making. Add to all of this the brains of Brad Stevens and we are feeling a great deal more confident about the Celtics than the Red Sox where baseball players only show their brains in hiring agents to win big contracts.

In the meantime, we wait for Rondo’s contract to come up in free agency. That’s when the biggest screw will be applied to the Boston Celtics.

Celtics Look Smart and Go Young

DATELINE: HUMOR

RondoLaughs

Rondo Under Cone of Silence

When the Boston Celtics draft Maxwell Smart, you know he must have gone higher than 86.

We wait for the day that Smart tells Danny Ainge, “Sorry about that, Chief!”

Did anyone pull the Cone of Silence down upon the Boston Celtics before the media went wild? Yes, the media had predicted Embiid and Exum as the Boston best choices. No one had the Smarts to know how Young the Celtics would go.

Whether Marcus turns out to be a Smart-aleck or another dumbbell, only the first season will tell. In the meantime, the Celtics may be looking to see if Love will be exchanged for Smart Young players.

Marcus Smart is from Oklahoma where the corn grows as high as an elephant’s eye. Of course, someone with Smarts will point out that corn does not grow in Oklahoma, despite what Rogers and Hammerstein told us.

You don’t have to be a Smarty-pants to wonder what jersey Max will wear next season. Will the Smart money be enough to sign this outstanding young agent of change?

Smart earlier this year looked more like Metta World Peace than Cedric Maxwell. He went into the stands to go after a fan he deemed overly critical, making us wonder whether the Cone of Silence will fall on anyone in Smart’s circle if free speech is an issue.

The Smart money is on Avery Bradley having lost his job this night. A few think it means Rajon Rondo may be heading to any club where Carmelo Anthony plays next season.

If anyone thought the fireworks were over, they aren’t Smart enough to know the Fourth of July is next week.