Trump Phones Belichick This Week!

DATELINE: Inquiries about Tom Brady


President Trump is a busy man, according to his newest lawyer and occasional dragster, Rudi Guiliani.

Trump does not have time to consider Stormy Daniels and how his lawyer paid $130,000 for a non-disclosure agreement (NDA). However, Trump made a long duration phone call to Bill Belichick of the Patriots this week on matters of national security.

There is no evidence that Belichick asked Mr. Trump to work as a scout for possible hotel sites for road trips. The Patriots are not scheduled to play in Moscow during the upcoming season, but a trip to North Korea has not been ruled out.

Since the NFL draft is done, Belichick has time on his hands. So, the two high-powered patriots could ruminate about the situation of Tom Brady, according to reports of those in the room as Belichick’s smartphone proved especially stupid.

It is not known whether Trump’s phone was secure. Belichick’s private lines are under tight security.

Trump asked the Patriots coach about the status of Tom Brady, and likely the seventh-round draft pick who is deemed talented enough to replace Brady. Pundits deduce that Mr. Brady has not taken any calls from Mr. Trump lately, but was in Qatar on business last week.

We suspect that Trump is also incensed that Patriot owner Robert Kraft, a frequent flyer on Air Force One, as guest to the President, has reported criticized Trump about his stance on kneeling players. Kraft believes the three-point stance does not qualify as taking a knee.

At the least, Trump was not satisfied with the answers from the Patriots—and reportedly held Belichick on the phone for close to an hour. Belichick admitted next to nothing in regard to this phone call, but we are assured that there is no collusion between Belichick and Trump.

Belichick has signed an NDA and may not reveal his intimate chitchat with President Trump. Belichick will likely tell news media that he is “on to 2018” and not dwelling on players who are meeting with Russians unless it has a bearing on why Malcolm Butler was benched during the Super Bowl.





The Haunting of Patriot Place

DATELINE: Your Worst Nightmare


The ghost of Malcolm Butler now walks the halls of Patriot Place. Forget the Overlook Hotel and its shining denizens. Foxboro will be a worthy subject for Stephen King.

Like unfriendly spirits, this Patriot specter may hang around for decades, frightening children and bringing back the horrors of Super Bowl LII.

Bad karma often is behind the haunting appearances of ghosts.  We recall in Boston that the ghost of Babe Ruth put a curse on the Red Sox for 80 years. We now wonder if the ghost of Malcolm Butler might do the same for the Patriots.

If you wonder why the Patriots never win another Super Bowl in the 21st century, you will be wise to remember that the Butler did it.

Like some benighted head of the Inquisition, Bill Belichick made his decisions to burn the defense at the stake during the Super Bowl. Heretics be damned, and leading the charge was the ingrate (in Swami Belichick’s eyes), the man who tried to jump ship before the season began: Malcolm Butler.

It was an unforgivable sin—and now Malcolm Butler has paid for it with his reputation. Oh, someone will give him a big payday—and perhaps he will fade into oblivion in some other football venue.

However, in Foxboro, his curse will be laid upon Tom Brady worse than broken mirrors and contempt for sports superstition.

The howls in the night and the bumps and bangs you hear are the restless spirits of players done dirt by Bill Belichick.

Though he may go into retirement, he will leave a haunted Patriot Place for Josh McDaniels, forcing him to call in ghostbusters and hold séances for the betterment of the Kraft legacy.

Move over, Shirley Jackson, Gillette Stadium is the new house on Haunted Hill.

Rajon Rondo & Malcolm Butler Kick Celtics in End

DATELINE:  Celtics Not the Patriots


You know Malcolm Butler wants to be traded.

On the same day he signed his $3.9 million tender contract with the Patriots, he went to the Boston Celtics playoff game in town and sat behind the Celtics bench.

Followers of NBA basketball know that this has been an emotionally distressing week for the team.  Star scoring machine and tiny tot superman Isaiah Thomas has been playing despite the death of his sister in Washington state after a car accident.

The courage and determination of Thomas may serve as inspiration for most to do their job: the Belichick mantra.

Butler who has tried to orchestrate a trade out of town—and may be setting himself up for a permanent trip to nowhere else sat behind the grieving Celtics.

Butler found himself making disparaging comments to the Celtics players. What??

The Patriots have maintained a “we’re all in Boston together” attitude for years. You always expect Patriot stars to be cheerleaders for their other sports counterparts.

Butler really does want to leave town when he knocks the Celtics and sits next to them during a hideous playoff game. The only other player to do that during the game was Rajon Rondo, one-time Celtics legend, now shilling brilliantly for the Chicago Bulls as their star point guard.

Rondo looked glorious in his black Bulls outfit and creamed the Celtics with his masterful passing and near triple double.

Perhaps Butler thinks Rondo is still wearing green.

Perhaps Butler is preparing to refuse to go to the White House to meet with President Trump, set to honor the Patriots.

In the meantime, the hapless Celtics were kicked when down by a soon-to-be ex-Patriot. It’s okay, fans. An ex-Celtic is kicking the hapless Celtics into the ground too. Rondo spent the weekend walking around Boston, signing autographs and wearing prison-stripe black & white pajama bottoms to the game.

We still love Rondo even if he never goes to Patriot games anymore. We aren’t sure about Malcolm Butler.

Patriots Butler Did It (to himself)

DATELINE: From Frying Pan to Belichick’s Crock Pot

frying pan to steamer.jpg

We grow weary of the stories of stoic, suffering Malcolm Butler of the Patriots and his need for a cash injection to swell up his ego. His agent claims he is not asking for the moon, but merely wants a large asteroid.

In any case, this is like asking Bill Belichick for a blank check.

Alas, poor Butler, he’s in the pantry without his pantaloons. And his agent is no dresser.

Butler seems about to be cast off from the Patriots after asking for $13 million per year. He is offended that the Patriots offered another player who could replace him that largesse of money. Instead from Bill’s checkbook they have offered him merely a pay raise five times what he was making this season.

It’s never enough in the world of Midas touches.

The Patriots plucked Butler out of the deep fryar of a chicken fast-food chain and gave him a chance to become a star. Now he wants 20x what he made last year. It looks like the New Orleans Saints are willing to order the chicken wings de luxe.

Whether Butler will serve din-din to the Patriots defense for another season will be a decision that occurs when Belichick matches any offer. Hold the sauce. Butlers are out of fashion in Gillette Stadium where dumb waiters are the norm.

So now Malcolm Butler’s agent is shopping around for a team that will actually pay the Patriots a first round draft pick and take the Under-Butler away from Super Bowl teams with accompanying rings.

Footmen fans claimed the Butler has had an unfortunate lesson in the business of NFL football. We suspect Malcolm suffers from the chicken-feed killer, yes, one of the deadliest sins, greed.

Tom Brady: Cockroach

DATELINE: Patriot Movie Updates


Tom Brady needs a better publicity agent. This week the Atlanta Zoo made good on a bet against a Rhode Island zoo. The loser would have to name a baby animal after a notable Patriot player.

Tom, of course, seems right for the honor. So, the new born baby hissing cockroach is now baptized Tom Brady.

On the other hand, Malcolm Butler’s agent, Derek Simpson, is working hard for his client and himself.

He just sold the rights to the life story of Butler to a movie producer. Many likely titles will be proposed for the film script, from The Butler Did It to Don’t Call Me Rhett.  However, his agent revealed that its working title is “The Secondary.”

This is not a reference to coming in behind Tom in Super Bowl MVP voting.

A smart agent makes himself part of the deal, and part of the movie. So, Simpson’s tale of inspiration will feature how he negotiated that his client, working at Popeye’s Restaurant, be given a try-out by the Pats.

Butler went on to make the phenomenal interception on the goal line to win one Super Bowl in his rookie year. This season was just icing on Tom’s avocado ice cream.

Movies about Tom and Deflategate will never be given the green light without Tom’s cooperation—and so far, there is no other movie coming from the Patriots.  Oh, wait, we forgot about Gronk’s forthcoming USA film, American Violence, or his work with the late Alan Thicke in The Clapper, or with Eric Roberts and Steve Bauer in Deported.  His starring role in Divot, about golf, has yet to begin production.

No one can keep up with Gronk when it comes to movie rights.