Trump Takes on Superstars of Sport

 DATELINE:  Trump Begins to Rival Dumb & Dumber

Dumb America    King Trump Wears the Crown Well

As one of the Deplorables who voted for President Trump to be our leader, we are frankly becoming more alarmed and embarrassed by our selection.  

Once again at one of the Nazi-style Putsch rallies, Mr. Trump called out and called for firing of any NFL athlete who takes a knee during the National Anthem.  He also slandered private sector workers by calling the knee-jerk protester:  “a son of a bitch.”
 

We are not fans of this particular choice of protest at professional sports events, and certainly not a fan of Mr. Colin Kaepernick, the main instigator. However, we do tend to believe that people have a right to vote and speak freely.
 

If you’re keeping track, this is yet again another case of Mr. Trump calling for a private citizen to be fired from his job for political speech. Not coincidentally, all of these people are black or people of color. That strikes us as disturbing. That does tend to put a dark hue on the President’s darker feelings. Whether you work for ESPN, or the NFL, you have a right to express yourself. 

Trump also denigrated basketball champion superstar Steph Curry by rescinding an invitation given to visit the White House. Curry is what you might call “high-yellow,” the lightest form of being a person of color. Trump did not rescind an invitation to Tom Brady who also did not attend the White House rally. 

Trump’s tirade has caused strange bedfellows to join hands: Roger Goodell has called the President divisive and ignoring all the good done by NFL players. And LeBron James, on the NBA, had more choice words for the leader of the world. 

We are beginning to become worried that the President of the United States wants to dismantle the US Constitution.  

And, as someone who claims he is against white supremacy is he certainly is the pin a boy for that philosophy. 

We suspect we’re not the only ones who were horrified when the president of the United States refers to American citizens as “sons of bitches.”  while advocating firing these concussed people of color who work outside the government. 

Pardon us for saying “yikes.” 

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LeBron Exposes the World to Salacious Gestures

DATELINE: Who Wears Short Shorts?

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Do we have to draw you a picture?

Lebron exposed his shortcoming on national TV during an adjustment break. You know what those are: sideline time when NBA players loosen their drawstrings and let it all hang out for those in the big ticket seats.

It was as if Lebron tossed a brick into the big basket.

We don’t know if Lebron matches Aaron Hernandez on the peter meter scale. It appeared to us to be a mere shadow of the shadows cast by the former Patriot in his heyday.

If you blinked, you missed it. Well, life is like that.

Youtube deleted the scene and cited their policy on nudity.

So, voyeurs must now travel into the murky waters of the Internet mudbaths and prurient teasers. It isn’t hard to do. And it isn’t hard to see.

And it just isn’t hard enough.

In this case ABC’s instant replay simply failed us. We were waiting for that pocket pool commentary, but it never reached the point of pitching a tent.

In fact, those uniform shorts have no pockets, which may have caused the ruckus to begin. If Lebron could have delicately reached into his pocket, he might have spared the world a stroke of bad luck.

It seems unseemly that grown men in shorts must stick their hands down their own pants to make the big move. Isn’t that what towel boys are for?

King James Never Met Royalty He Didn’t Like

DATELINE: Royal Pain in the Chamberpot

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Not since President Jimmy Carter kissed Jackie O at a public ceremony at the Kennedy Library has there been such a faux pas. She visibly blanched.

King James must think he is really royalty. He laid his paws on the Duchess of Cambridge, Prince Willie’s preggers wife.

King James never read the chapter and verse in the Bible that stops him from doing whatever he feels like doing.

We want to give Lebron James the benefit of the doubt, but every time we try, we start laughing. You have to remember he was raised by Queen Gloria who pawed everyone young King James brought home to the ghetto.

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape—and mortals don’t touch royals.

It has been thus since the days of the guillotine. And, if this were still the days of the guillotine, Lebron would be missing the part of his body that some people believe contains his pea-brain. How else can you describe this encounter between the princess and the pea-brain?

Arrogance of NBA thugs knows no bounds. Being out of bounds is no excuse to think you can bow down to royalty sitting courtside.

It’s bad enough that NBA players will spray the courtside jesters with their profuse sweat, but that just flies when you shake your mangy mange after running up and down the court for a few minutes.

Lebron still must believe that democracy reigns in England, or that he has risen high above the democrats. After all, once you have accepted the crown, you never feel uneasy about stretching the tentacles toward every beautiful princess. Just ask Bill Cosby.

Cleveland Makes Lemonade with the Big Lemon

DATELINE: HUMOR

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The Prodigal Son will return and garlands will be strewn in his path, even if he has to buy them himself.

LeBron James will return to Cleveland to play for the Cavaliers.

Not since Maynard G. Krebs raved about the movie epic The Tomato That Ate Cleveland has such an Ohio event been anticipated.

King James expects that his resurrection in the town he cast adrift a few short years ago will be the ultimate in sweet victory. We can now expect that his mother Gloria will return to her proper place, manhandling parking lot attendants.

Though we at Ossurworld of Sports have a moratorium on LeBron James since we gathered a collection of non-selling essays on the basketball star, we now feel our own rebirth. You can buy it wholesale.

Perhaps the quest of LeBron to win seven NBA championships in Miami will be transferred, like Green Stamps, to another venue. Anything LeBron touches is self-adhesive. Redemption always follows resurrection, like night the day.

Can it be that an entire new line of late night comic jokes will be spawned by the return of the giant among small-brained hominids?

If Godzilla and Michael Jordan can make comebacks, it seems only natural that LeBron James too shall bring us back to the thrilling days of yesteryear when Cleveland was a dot on the map.

Whether LeBron will bring Chris Bosh with him is yet unknown, but what was Jack Benny without Rochester? What was the Lone Ranger without Tonto? What was sparkling water without bubbles?

LeBron will breathe new life into tired old franchises, especially those he will now be expected to beat night after night in the NBA Eastern Division.

 

 

 

 

The Next Boston Celtics Banner is Hanging at the Ready

 DATELINE: HUMOR

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                                           Kevin Garnett’s Empty Home

Go, Northeast, young men.

Horace Greeley had it backwards. Horace Greedy wants all the money he can get.

LeBron James (about to have another turnabout turncoat summer) and Carmelo Anthony (of the rolling contract like a stone) could be looking for new homes.

Did anyone tell them that Kevin Garnett’s home on Golden Pond, a stone’s throw from Walden Pond is on the market?

Did anyone tell them that Kevin Love may be here? and that the only player to give Carmelo wet dreams is Rondo the corner?

We speak of that great metropolis where Leonardo di Caprio and Jack Nicholson have made movies. We speak of the Hub of the Universe—and no, it does not mean you have to play on Mars.

Boston has a plethora of money and draft picks to spread around the NBA. So, what keeps Lebron, Love, and Carmelo, from making Boston their new hometown?

With Rondo having nightly orgasms passing his balls around, the Celtics would surely have another banner tout suite.

Already the naysayers have said nay.

How many fingers can LeBron hold up to count Boston banners for NBA championships? Does he have as many fingers as Bill Russell?

Oh, Paul Pierce is thinking about another year or two, and he too has not yet sold his palatial Boston digs. There are enough bedrooms and bathrooms to let the James and Anthony families share the accommodations.

And, Paul could live there too as a landlord who is no longer absent.

Lebron Cramps His Superstar Style

cryin'jagDATELINE: HUMOR

 

We had retired our vituperation toward Lebron James some time ago, but we had a sudden relapse upon seeing the headlines.

During the first game of the NBA Finals, Lebron suffered a severe cramp. James later said it was his entire left side that cramped. If our physiology knowledge is correct, this is a right brain problem.

Only when we saw Lebron James being carried off the court did our natural sense of indignation kick in. Where is his sedan chair? In India this would never have happened. The Majarajah would have his sedan chair to be escorted in style. Lebron’s elephants were fellow Heat.

This unfortunate situation developed because someone shut off the air conditioning at the elegant arena. Fans were reduced to fanning themselves with programs, and players had to go out and buy one of those cooling towels that Dwyane Wade sells.

Next time they should wrap the towels around Lebron’s leg to prevent cramps. He could also eat a banana at halftime for additional potassium.

We aren’t sure of the medical advice that we heard on the Internet (or was that the Darknet?) that Lebron should always take a Midol tablet at the onset of cramps. Playoffs always happen at Lebron’s time of the month.

To put Lebron’s suffering into context, we can only point to the era when arenas were not air-conditioned. Your only solution was to apply a splint or have the trainer perform embarrassing CPR on your groin.

We thought we were over Lebron James. One sighting and we now realize we need to return to therapy.

 

NBA’s Silver Drops a Lode of Horse Manure

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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Leave it to new commissioner Adam Silver to find the silver lining—and it has something to do with the price of Silver.

Silver is putting cheese on the Ritz—and the entire league.

The new head honcho was not chosen for the job because of his looks. Apparently, he wasn’t selected for his brain either. Long time apprentice to David Stern, this man has been groomed to be an idiot under the cloud with no silver lining.

And within a month, he is proving that the NBA is in for a bumpy ride when an imbecile runs the organization.

Yes, Silver approves of tanking.  No, Silver votes against Lebron’s black protective mask.

If Silver had goodwill to spill, he has thrown it into the wind.  Hi-yo, Silver! Away!

Lebron might have found both Tonto (Spanish for stupid) and Silver in the same beast of burden. Unfortunately, the burden will soon belong to the fans of NBA hoops.

With Silver’s long neck, he is able to bury his head in the sand like an ostrich. He does not see teams deliberately losing games to win a high lottery pick.

Silver resembles a python dancing with a mongoose.

Gutting the roster and putting a non-competitive team on the court is, in Silver’s myopic vision, “planning for the future.”

Boston Celtics fans who want to lose every game now have the official approval to tank from the new Commissioner.

For the rest of us, we are apparently stuck deep in the Silver mine until we are smothered in a cloud of dust. Hi-Yo, Silver! Go away!

NBA Bans Lebron’s New Identity

 DATELINE: Man without a Face

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Sincerely yours, Lebron

The NBA has banned the mask of Dimitrios Lebron. The gutless NBA cannot stand anything original.

For the basketball league, the chosen disguise of Lebron James has become the Masque of Red Death.

The NBA fears ridicule. This is fairly amusing in itself when you consider their bad referees, history of cheaters, and gun-toting thugs.

Lebron James has been ordered never again to don the mask of infamy.  Only the NBA could remove the mask of the Lone Ranger, expose the identity of Batman, and forbid Lebron James from his stylish facial foppery. Our own mask (thanks to the Elephant Man) has given us renewed courage and confidence.Image

Yours truly, Ossurworld

If James had an ounce of courage, he’d withstand the fines and continue to wear his newly forged identity. It may be the first action that could actually make him popular.

Casting the mask into the pit of hell by the new basketball commissioner (what’s his name) may turn out to be the first act of a man destined to become a laughingstock.

It’s fairly hard to turn Lebron into a figure of sympathy and pity, but the NBA never fails to demean their own sport with petty rules.

If you think Lebron makes an echo of Michael Myers from Halloween, you are up there with NBA logic. Had Lebron done his mask in white, you’d see echoes of the Phantom of the Opera, which would be too high-brow for the NBA.

By surrendering his mask for a pre-approval plastic one chosen by the league, Lebron James has gone from being a fun figure to Darth Vader yet again.

Lebron in His Iron Mask

DATELINE: Unmasked

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Lebron’s new mask means to protect his broken proboscis.

Designed by the production team that brought you the Lone Ranger, the mask appears to do its job like a Playtex bra. It uplifts and supports.

We feel compelled to offer a litany of bad jokes, as is our style, but we should start by saying the mask is an improvement. He should have worn it ten years ago.

You seldom find masks that suit your personality. Clayton Moore comes to mind, but Jason Voorhees does not. That white mask makes him the white whale of horror, and we don’t mean James Whale.

We prefer that Lebron rap his face like a mummy or the Invisible Man. That would be horror.

Some have compared the Lebron mask to Batman’s facial cover. However, those masks are intended to disguise and to hide. For Lebron the mask enhances and flatters.

Hannibal Lecter’s mask was unflattering, but Lebron’s has Prada or Luis Vuitton written all over it. Alas, we think it is likely a cheap knock off.

We almost feel that Lebron was born with this mask and has eschewed it for too long. If Lebron has a face meant for radio, the mask makes him a media darling.

Heretofore, all the NBA victims of facial bone breaks have gone with the clear plastic look. Lebron James has always been opaque, if not downright Smokey the Bear.

If Muhammad Ali were playing him in basketball, he would no doubt come to games carrying a bear trap and would have designed the mask personally for Lebron.

We are surprised that Lebron has not made a matching mask for his mother Gloria who has taken to hiding from the media.

Lebron James has become the modern equivalent of the Man in the Iron Mask.

 

Lebron James: Cartoon Mascot at Heart

DATELINE: TOON TOWN SHOCKER

cryin'jag

Move Over, Oscar (Robertson, that is)

Word has come out of Toonville that the looniest cartoons are celebrating the sequel to 1996’s Citizen Kane of animation. Yes, we speak with ironic reverence of Space Jam.

In the world of bad movies, you need Porky Pig to show you how to find the truffles.

And, the silly symphonies of Mighty and Mickey made an icon out of Michael Jordan in his audacious film debut. Jordan was sentenced to his element, trapped in a Technicolor cel.

And now, for those too dumb to realize, history is about the repeat itself with Lebron James taking on the role of Elmer Fudd.

Space Jam 2 has all the earmarks of an Oscar winner, starring one of the biggest wieners of the NBA. If Lebron thinks such a film will put him into the pantheon with King Kong, Godzilla, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon, he is sorely mistaken. Those were great roles played by great actors.

Worse yet, we have heard that Lebron recently broke his nose with a poorly executed flop. His beauty will now turn beastly until he has his rhino job. The camera never lies when it comes to sex appeal.

What happened to the grand days of great athletes taking the screen? We recall the highly respected Woody Strode who could tangle with spaghetti Western villains and Spartacus with equal adeptness and dignity. He would never be caught dead in a sequel Space Jam.

Dare we point out to Lebron that the original Space Jam convincingly ended Michael Jordan’s movie career?

Of course, there are many who believe that Lebron can give Roger Rabbit a run for the warren while tumbling into Wonderland and Tinsel Town simultaneously.

With careful direction by a director like Spike Lee or Kenneth Branagh, Space Jam 2 may rival Vertigo, Casablanca, and Lawrence of Arabia for sheer audacity. Those films never allowed a flopper to be the star.

 

 

Bill Russell Demolishes Lebron’s Stone Tablets

DATELINE: CARVING THE TURKEY

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A man already cast in bronze for his achievements during his lifetime dropped a ton of bricks on LeBron James during the All-Star game ceremonies.

Yes, the man with nearly a dozen championships in the NBA to his name had a few choice words for Mr. James.

Bill Russell, of the pantheon of Celtic legends, noted that Lebron in all his modesty left Mr. Russell off a list of notable basketball names worthy of Mt. Rushmore. And, Mr. James modestly included himself.

Russell noted that basketball is a team sport, not one of individual records, and therefore he was delighted to be left off the fictional Mount that James carved into stone tablets.

Of course, Lebron is a step ahead of most since his head is like a block of granite.

James has stones ready for his tomb and monuments, but he may have more stones in his pantaloons. There is no comeback from a cement head when confronted with a genuine figure ready for immortality.

No matter how well Lebron James plays for the few remaining years of his declining career, he will not catch up with Bill Russell’s record. And, therein is the rub on the marble halls of fame.

It is easy to leave a pompous twit speechless, but it is hard to chisel his face into a Mount Rushmore of NBA stars.

Bill Russell showed the world again why he is the genuine article, and King James is yet again a pretender to the throne.

 

 

LeBron Ain’t Misbehaving with Rondo

DATELINE: LEBRON’S FOLLY

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LeBron James, superstar and king, blew up at his peon point guard and charged him like a bull. Whether Mario Chalmers waved a red flag or a white flag is unclear from the replays of this infamous snit.

James will not be trifled with, even by a trifle player. In the old days of yore, when King James lost his temper, minions would lose their head. Whether Chalmers will be sent packing is doubtful.

LeBron seemed to apologize later, according to lip readers who noted the words, “My bad.”  They did not lip read, “I’m sorry.” Kings don’t give apologies to the serfs.

All this temperament made us think of our own personal and mercurial Celtics point guard. Rajon Rondo has played against James in key games: and Rondo never backed down from this Goliath. Indeed, watching Rajon become the pesky fly around the Heat piece de resistance has always amused.

 If they were teammates, and LeBron made the unpardonable sin of charging at Rondo, we know what the results would be.

Rondo would likely dope slap LeBron. If that did not work, you can count on the fact that Rondo would not pass him the ball for the next week or two.

We know that a rolled newspaper on the nose might be just as effective, but we also know that no one—neither mortal, nor superstar—would dare to charge Rondo or even to speak disparagingly.

Rondo always has his cache of five smooth stones on his person at all times. He has extra stones beyond normal men.

That’s the difference between David and Goliath.

Those who want to know more will turn to RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR! that remains a definitive book on Rondo the Celtic legend. Available at Amazon.com.

LeBron James Opens Mouth, Inserts Two Feet

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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LeBron James finds hypocrites everywhere except in the mirror.

LeBron James called Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce a couple of hypocrites for being mean to Ray Allen after he left the Boston Celtics. In LeBron’s twisted world, Garnett and Pierce left Boston too.

Now Doc Rivers has piped in to criticize the loudmouth, blabberhead, imbecile that is LeBron James. Once a Celtic, always a Celtic, Rivers noted that Garnett and Pierce were TRADED, and they did not choose to leave Boston—like Ray Allen.

Doc noted too he chose to leave Boston, but has not criticized Ray Allen.

All of this controversy sparked angry responses from Garnett who told James to mind his own business on South Beach. Pierce was dumbfounded by the notion that he left Boston or wanted to.

Instead of admitting he was wrong, James has told media sources he is done talking about other teams. He might add that he should be done talking about anything of which he is ignorant. Of course, that would mean LeBron could only talk about his mother Gloria and Delonte West.

LeBron famously dumped Cleveland for the warm cllimes of South Beach where his talents would be on ample display with his own version of the Big Three of Garnett, Pierce, and Allen.

Defenders of LeBron think he meant to protect his dear new teammate Ray Allen who has become D’Artagnan to the photocopy Big Three of LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh.

All this goes to show that old Celtics die hard and they are not likely to fade away.

 

 

Don’t We Already Have Enough LeBron James Remorse?

DATELINE: HUMOR!Image

                       Laugh-In for LeBron: New SitCom

Red Sox limited owner Tom Werner gave us the Cosby Show and Roseanne and now wants to give us the LeBron Laugh-in Show.

Yes, LeBron James wants to stew his creative juices into a television series, ominously titled Survivor’s Remorse.

When a TV series is billed as a situation comedy on a cable network, you know it won’t have the high literary caliber of Mr. Ed or The Beverly Hillbillies.

Yet, LeBron wants to portray a weekly laughfest about two men who make filthy millions and go back to their poor neighborhoods to flaunt their success. In the James world this is funny stuff.

Though LeBron will not act on this show (his flopping will suffice for drama critics), he will serve as Executive Producer. For those unfamiliar with the title, this is the guy who never does any work. That’s the executive producer. The Executive Producer simply pours all his money into the pit.

To avoid autobiographical parallels to LeBron’s sordid life as a traitor and turncoat, the story will be set in Philadelphia, not Akron. The main character’s mother will not be a harridan chasing the hero’s teammates, though it could be the funniest premise on the show. Someone call Whoopie.

The NBA character may sell out his hometown in this series, but the laugh-track will have to work overtime to fill in that plot hole.

Fame in the 21st century likely means LeBron will have to put in a cameo appearance on his show to give it a boost in the ratings. The Starz network generally has viewers numbering in the hundreds.

Publicists say that the Werner touch will likely mean the show will give fans a bumpy ride, but if you have followed LeBron’s career, you know that he is the NBA version of Margo Channing.

And, no, that is not Tatum’s old lady.

 

Cinderella LeBron James: a Parable

DATELINE: HUMOR!Image

 

Cinderella LeBron has found the clock is about to strike midnight and she hasn’t had a good Finals game yet.

 

The fairy godmother may have changed the little mice into Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, but they still show some of their worst rodent qualities against the D-Con called the San Antonio Spurs.

 

Even the coachman, Ray Allen, is showing his pumpkin roots.

 

If there is a Prince Charming, he is not playing for the Miami Heat. Erik Spoelstra may be the closest thing to a prince of a guy, but he is no coachman. At the end of this series we expect he will turn into a giant pumpkin out on his ear.

 

If you wanted to see Shaquille O’Neal as the fairy godmother, you’d see a magic wand turn into a fork as he stuck it into LeBron who is already half cooked.

 

Perhaps those glass kicks are cracking at the instep for Cinderella LeBron, or she has an ingrown nail. Something is keeping her from a successful NBA Finals.

 

The clock is ticking, and the entire Miami Heat shebang will turn back into their magical selves at the stroke of midnight. LeBron will again be in tatters and running out of the arena, leaving only a cracked glass slipper.

 

Unlike the other fairy tale, we doubt that any prince worth his salt will go looking to see if the shoe fits LeBron. Next season he should try playing Snow White with her dwarves.

 

 

 

 

If this little drama appeals to you, try reading LEBRON JAMES & THE PLAGUE OF SEVEN RINGS. It’s available on Amazon.com in e-book.