Another Canard Tossed at Tom Brady

DATELINE: Uncle Tom’s Cabin and White Rice

 Racist Tom at Kentucky Derby 

If being an old codger in the NFL isn’t enough to create mockery, now a humbug New England sex professor is accusing Brady of the canard of a can of worms: the racist card canard.

Every time we try to extricate our reputation of being a Tom Brady critic, the forces of New England sports pull us back into the maelstrom.

Our latest laugh riot opinion centers on a University of Rhode Island Gender Studies professor who has written that Brady’s appeal is to white nationalist-types and typos.

If you know academia, like we do as a former don of the academic mob, you know this sort of “professor” has used gender politics as his bread and butter with jam topping.

Brady, guilty of deflating footballs and playing when he should be in a rocking chair, has now incurred the wrath of some transplant transgender New Englander who hates sports and loves gender misidentification. This sensation-seeking pariah now has taken aim at Brady’s Trump-loving demeanor.

It seems back in 2015, Uncle Tom expressed support for Trump and kept a MAGA hat in plain view that incensed Chicagoans like Jussie Smollett.

Now Brady is accused of fostering racism on his Kentucky Derby trips with many friends (nearly all of whom are, uh-oh, white in a sport that has 66% black players). As a crypto-Nazi sort, Tom-boy is always kissing owner Robert Kraft (who is Jewish) and Julian Edelman (who is lesser Jewish).

You may want to overlook that Brady recently invited black icon Antonio Brown to live in his home where his young daughter and model wife also reside. We have to complain that this is surely a coverup of his racism, unless you want tenure at URI.

Prof. Kyle Kusz sounds like a mixed bag of a political windbag variety.

Throwing a log onto the racist Brady theory encourages racist supporters’ fire-down-below is a low-blow even for an academic in New England unless he already has tenure and loves death threats.

Horse’s Neck & Other Derby Matters

DATELINE: Horsey Set?

mr. ed Mr. Ed for President!

In the United States of America, there is only one horse who can talk—and Mr. Ed likely has plenty to add to the recent spectacle of horse flesh known as the Kentucky Derby.

This annual bettor event is used by swells for preening and promenading all for the better. Tom Brady was there with a plethora of former backup quarterbacks and some of his other sycophantic friends. It was a Trump supporters’ extravaganza.

However, Maximum Security stole the show and may be now in lock-down if not in harness in his solitary stall. He was disqualified for cheating.

We suspect the horse sense only applied to his jockey, but the action of judges to take the one-third of the Crown away from the pretender to the Derby has left big bettors throwing their hats in the ring for a fifteen-round fight.

Imagine a horse cheating in 21st century American sport known for gambling, and he did not even take a steroid.

Now the Cheater-in-Chief has taken again to Twitter to explain his view of the universe. He hasn’t much else to do except bet on losers.

In America the only talking horse is Mr. Ed.  But, when it comes to blowhards, the white horse’s ass is speaking again in 140 characters from the White House, no country estate.

You have to understand how a cheater and liar can be indignant when someone does not win after cheating or lying. If you are looking for a premonition of the 2020 presidential election, you may gulp hard at the attitude of the White House wannabe returnee.

Maximum Security lived up or down to his name, and the Country Horse is Country House, an offense to someone in the White House.

Of course, as you might expect, Mr. Trump cannot even spell “Kentuky,” a state he hopes to carry in the next election. His semi-literate tweets may once again prove that his father bribed some college to give the horse’s end a degree, but that’s a horse of a different color.

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down

GOATS

Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

Tom Brady Heads Kentucky Derby Delegation

DATELINE: Derby or Bust

QB fest

In an annual rite of spring, the Patriots are putting all their eggs in one post-Easter basket.

This year Tom Brady is again hosting a planeful of players at the Kentucky Derby. Last season he took Gronk, among others, who is left off the guest list this time. Perhaps there was a conflict with his Wrestlemania commitments.

This time Brady has fellow QBs of the Patriots, Jimmy G and Jackie Bissett, as his seconds and thirds.  Pardon us if we worry about putting Brady’s QB backups in the same private jet traveling cross country in this age of NFL QBs retiring to do broadcasts.

Don’t even ask how much it will cost Tom to foot the bill for this annual vacation for his pals. Thank heavens his wife is rapidly approaching billionaire status.

We aren’t sure of the wisdom of putting the Designated Survivors all on the same jet to Churchill Downs. Hasn’t Bill Belichick been watching that miniseries with Kiefer Sutherland?

The Patriots are even going so far as to allow a former Patriot quarterback to tag along (photos by Scott Zolak, now a publicity hound for radio and TV broadcasts).

We expect to see more hats than Hedda Hopper wore on the recent series about Bette and Joan worn by our Patriot attendees. High fashion is a de rigueur component of the Derby pre-game festival.

That’s nothing for Tom who often wears clothes by Tom Ford, former fashion designer to the stars, and now film director of weird movies like Nocturnal Animals.

To meet that side of the guest list, you can find nocturnal animal Julian Edelman (subbing for Giselle).

Derby Time with Boston Sports Celebrities

High Hatting DATELINE: HUMOR

 

Every Kentucky Derby day, some Boston folks take the traditional derby to an extreme. In past years Tom Brady has looked smooth as Kentucky Bourbon with his friends like Wes Welker in tow.

This year is no different, but Tom has discovered the chapeau to end all sexiest man alive talk. One of his friends, Vince Wilfork, saw fit not to wear any hat, but Tom has been caught up in the Grammy-style of Pharell, whom we are told is a singer.

Bombing Tom at the Derby, also hatless, is the Hump who dumped Kim. Kris Humphries may not be a Celtic much longer, but he is a Boston celebrity stalker, going after Tom in a strange turn of the screw. Though Kentucky is Rajon Rondo’s old Kentucky home, he was not linked to Kris Humphries or Tom Brady. We cannot fathom how Rondo, a fashion maven, could by-pass a GQ’s dream scenario.

Hump & Brady

Of course, none can compare to the outrage and fashion faux pas that can be delivered only by RuPaul or Johnny Weir.

The ice-skating gossip rag subject wore a feathery outfit that lacked a boa. He was still able to call it “Macaroni,” with his chapeau.macaroni

Though we would like to have a group photo of Kris, Tom, and Johnny, their circles do not intersect in any public way.

Too bad. They have so much in common.

Tom Brady Won’t Horse Around at Kentucky Derby

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 

Each year now Tom Brady puts together an elite group of former Patriots who go to the Kentucky Derby with him.

 

Usually Tom has an opportunity to sport his latest hairdo and don his most fancy tie and coat, all in an effort to avoid looking like a horse’s petute.

 

This year, once again, Wes Welker joined the shenanigans to see which player could look more like a dandy out of one of Oscar Wilde’s soiree for the opening night of Salome.

 

Now other quarterbacks are beginning to catch on that to be high class you have to be a horse’s ass. To that end, Aaron Rodgers brought a few of his noteworthy prima donnas to the event, such as Clay Matthews of ponytail fame.

 

Not to be outdone this year, Welker showed off his newly plugged head of hair. On top of that, Welker owns one of the plugs that actually races with the other horses.

 

Perhaps the nirvana moment of the day (with no wives in attendance), the boys met Conan O’Brien, who talks more than Mr. Ed and makes about as much comic sense.

 

Their high school reunion greeting is a scrum of a hug that seems even to knock Brady off his high horse. When Welker jumps on top of a group hug with Teddy Bruschi and Brady with O’Brien, we know they are now tall in the saddle.

 

We give Tom credit again for having the horse’s nackers at the Derby. He is dressed in his First Communion suit with a red checkerboard bowtie. Welker is in velvet, and Bruschi looks like an usher at a wedding.

 

We love football offseason, and we can hardly wait for the big ball next week when Brady and supermodel wife will go head to head with Amare Studemire and wife at the Metropolitan Art Museum fete.