Burgers to Burritos: Olynyk Matches Edelman

DATELINE: DOLLARS TO DONUTS

Featured imageBurritoKing?

Celtics games continue to take a backseat to the backstory.

The latest team-spirit building centered on a wager that Kelly Olynyk could eat a burrito in four bites—while on a charter jet heading to Milwaukee. Unfasten your seat belts. It may repeat on you.

Not since the Fourth of July and hot dogs have we thought of such shenanigans. Whether he could win or lose, Kelly may have won the Tofu Turkey Award with this antic.

Teammates seem divided on the rules, but the four bites clearly had to stay within the bounds of a time constraint. There were more rules than DraftKings have to face in New York.

This is the kind of bettor investment (FanDuel calls it a “deposit” not a bet) that causes money to fly faster than at a cock fight. A few more of these macho contests and DuelKings will be banned in more states than Nevada and New York.

Patriot pal Julian Edelman will have to create a new burrito video to go with his notorious Burger Tyme show. Olynyk can clearly match dollars to donuts or burgers to burritos.

While wearing JE 11’s baseball cap, Olynyk depressed his lower jaw and shoved a dripping burrito into his mouth. With chipmunk cheeks, he seemed stuffed more than the proverbial turkey at Thanksgiving.  All was caught on iPhone video for posterity.

He tried stalling for time with a fastidious napkin break—but the overwhelming Mexican dinner made the hirsute Olynyk look like a flat tortilla.

If he has difficulty playing in the night’s game, we will understand why he is belching on the bench.

More Hair Club for Celtics

 DATELINE: Hirsuite Celts

Featured imageJelly!

Yes, we all know that muscleman and proto-athlete Samson lost his locks to Delilah. Hair seems to be an important part of an athlete’s ability to play with confidence. We have only to watch Wes Welker on a TV commercial for restoration of hair follicles to know this lesson.

So, we felt bad when we saw that Kelly Olynyk had begun this new season with his flowing, bouncing shoulder-length locks imprisoned in a twisted sister bun warmer. He had tried a new look that did not suit us: The schoolmarm.

A tight bun on the back of the noggin made Kelly look more like a stick figure on the parquet. Not only was his hair confined, so was his game.

Then in miraculous fashion came the fashion miracle. Kelly let his hair down. It was as if Samson cut loose from Delilah. Perhaps his old friend Phil Pressey called and gave him advice on hair growth.

Whatever the motivation, Kelly was running up and down the court in free flow. And, he scored 19 points—combining, you guessed it, with his old Siamese Twin brother, Jared Sullinger.

The new look of Goldilocks Sully and Samson Olynyk restored faith to the disbelievers. Sullinger scored twenty-one points. He even made a court length pass from a prone stance on floor that did NOT go into the net, but into the hands of Isaiah Thomas who dropped it into the bucket.

All this gave us a renewed vigor, a restored sense that our belief and our hope to see Jelly O’Sully again might be possible.

As Kevin Garnett once informed us, anything and everything is possible.

Jelly O’Sully returned to the Garden. Celtics Saints, be praised.

Crying Time for Amazon Prime and Phil Pressey

DATELINE: PRIME HUMOR

Featured image15% Off?  Way Off

What possibly could be worse than Amazon’s Prime Day?

Well, the Boston Celtics waived Phil Pressey.

We cried when we saw the junk for alleged sale on Amazon. It was stuff we wouldn’t buy if it were half off. And, 15% off is not half.

Kelly Olynyk cried when he saw Phil is leaving Boston. Just a few short days ago, Kelly traveled out to Utah for the summer league to give his best buddy some support. And Phil volunteered to play in the summer games just to show Coach Brad Stevens how much he likes being a Celtic.

We wonder if Kelly has packed his bag. Perhaps they will go around the league as a tandem package: Mutt and Jeff, Tom and Jerry, and now Kelly and Phil.

We haven’t been this busted up about the Celtics since they sent our humor meal ticket, Rajon Rondo, packing.

Our Celtic humor has been green around the gills ever since. And, now the Amazon Prime Celtic sale has shipped Pressey out of town, and he was only 10% off.

When your best material is off with Jacoby Ellsbury to new venues, you are hurting.

When you have to wait nearly six months for the next series of hilarious Aaron Hernandez hijinks, you know Boston humor is in for a dull time.

We still have Tom Brady to kick around—until his suspension goes the way of Phil Pressey. Next time Prime has a sale, we hope Roger Goodell’s commissioner chair is 15% off.

Awaiting on the Partnership of Sullinger & Olynyk

 DATELINE: Return of Jelly O’Sully

sullinger devil in a black dress

 

With the departure of Rajon Rondo, the Celtics have a gaping hole in their conundrum syndrome.

Enter Jared Sullinger.

While not as Garboesque as Rondo, he is proving that he can be Rondoesque. The affable, social, friendly Sullinger will talk to the media—or anyone else who waylays him on the way to a game.

As consequence, he was the Late Mr. Sullinger for two games in one week. This resulted in the team benching him from the starting lineup. Coach Brad Stevens may have thought he was done with Advil moments when #9 hit the road, but think again.

Sullinger plays hot and cold. Gosh, does that remind you of anyone recently traded to Dallas?

And now the media is circling Jared Sullinger like he is the reincarnation of Rondo Past.

Who can blame the insider contingent? There is little precious to write about the Celtics nowadays.

Sullinger’s better half, Kelly Olynyk, seems injury prone this season and the tandem has not been on the floor together nearly as much as fate would allow. Once we have the exciting combo of Jelly O’Sully back in form, we know we are on the way to another championship (when Danny Ainge cashes in all those draft chips).

Olynyk may be a good partner for Sullinger now that Phil Pressey has been sent to the gulag in Maine. He needs a new number one go-to-supper on the road pal.

Sullinger could do worse than befriend Kelly who often calls his teammate “Mr. Hard Foul in Practice.”

Jelly O’Sully About to be Rent Apart

DATELINE: HUMOR

jelly O'Sully

The strange case of Jelly O’Sully would make Robert Louis Stevenson cry. Jekyll and Hyde had nothing on Sullinger and Olynyk. It appears one half of the new Celtics is too sensitive to buy into his genetic splice.

Yes, after a mind meld that would make Spock and Kirk one, we tried the technique last season on Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk. They seemed like two halves of a future dynasty.

And, for a while, Coach Stevens (just call him Robert Louis Stevens) seemed to play along. He brought together the two disparate souls and tried to weave them into a starting lineup core to pass off Rajon Rondo, another head case that already had two halves.

After a promising start, Kelly Olynyk has started to tank. Now after an abysmal November, you find Olynyk and Sullinger separated on the court.

It appears that Kelly Olynyk is now KO’d. He spends more time on the bench, sitting next to his soulmate Phil Pressey. They seem to be the ones with chemistry, but we are not getting much better living through this chemistry.

It may be that where Pressey goeth, so shall KO follow.

3some

We used to have a tandem like this in Boston: it was Kendrick and Rajon, but the Celtics tore them asunder and created a downfall for the franchise. Wags noted that you couldn’t have two men starting who couldn’t shoot a free throw.

Now you can’t have two men spliced into one superstar.

Jelly O’Sully looks like jelly without peanut butter.

Celtics Find the Sixth Man in Lottery

DATELINE: HUMOR!

jelly O'SullyWe felt the draft, and it left us cold.

Celtics fans suffered an egregious seasonal loss for the lottery bonanza. Optimists are always cock-eyed, and as per usual, they couldn’t see straight. The lot of the lottery proved a ponderous loss.

The lottery night has arrived with its future writ big in the placement of “The Pick.”

As usual, the Celtic luck stinks. Fans and organization people could not make lemonade out of this lemon. The worst the Celtics could fare on their pick was eight.

They were awarded six.

The sixth man is a famous figure off the bench. And, the Celtics now will have a shot at the Sixth Man. That means the Celtics will be looking for an adjective, not a noun. And certainly they will not receive a proper noun. That goes to the ever-deserving Cleveland Cavaliers.

We suspect they will choose badly as usual.

So, the Celts may actually have a fifth pick.

Of course, knowing Danny Ainge, the Celts may have no pick. He will trade this loser slot for a tried and true player whose free agency is around the corner.

Dare we fall in Love with Kevin?

The T-Wolves are way back in the back with this year’s selection, and to them, six will look positively enchanting. They may be willing to move Kevin Love to rise to the second tier.

In the meantime, we feel that anyone who thought the Celtics would receive the first choice of the draft has not studied history.

We were surprised the Celtics tortured season did not end with greater disappointment. That may yet come.

 

Kevin Love Is in the Air

DATELINE: HUMOR

 LOVERLY

Wouldn’t it be loverly?

With the Red Sox facing the longest losing streak they have suffered in two years, fans are turning their lonely eyes back to the NBA draft and the Boston Celtics.

Kevin Love reportedly wants out of Minnesota. Trading for Love will mean Love’s labors will not be lost to Boston fans, according to Celtics braintruster Danny Ainge.

If lightning ever was meant to strike the same place twice, Boston is a good location for a repeat at the TD Garden. Kevin Garnett came from Minnesota half-dozen years ago to lead an instant rebuilding to championship season.

Love could mean the sorry days of waiting for a return to glory will be on the doorstep. Fans need a Love Childe. Wouoldn’t it be Loverly, especially for Rondo?

However, Garnett had two other major players as his starring chesspieces. Kevin Love in Boston would be centering Rajon Rondo with the power forwards of Jelly O’Sully, better known as Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger.

Is that enough?

Well, Celtics fans will tell you that there are plenty of other draft picks in the Celts system.

All depends on the Tuesday draft position. Location, location, location, will tell the Celtics who their savior-to-be will be.

It will not do to recruit Kevin Love and trade away Kelly and Sully, or even Rondo. All must be woven in the multi-layered coat of many victories.

Love’s agent is also Paul Pierce’s agent. We should not be surprised to see a return of the native Celtics star, now toiling in Brooklyn where one growing tree is the only shade.

Signing Kevin Love means never having to say you’re sorry to fans.

For Better or Worse, Life with the Celtics and Red Sox

Brady. Brown & Baseball

DATELINE: WHIMSY

On a cold day in early April, the Red Sox picked up their championship rings in a ceremony fraught with real life tragedies like fires that have killed heroic fire fighters and terror that killed Boston Marathon participants.

Across town, later, the Celtics could not pick up the pieces of a season in shambles.

Those who begged for a Celtics tanking need not have wished so hard. The damage from a lost season may sear the souls of future Celtics Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk.

The last time the Celtics won a championship, the Red Sox did too. The parallels have gone in opposite directions this past year.

Now Tom Brady and Troy Brown sit at Fenway Park to watch the season opener. A few years ago, they sat at the TD Boston Garden to watch the Celtics. The times have a-changed in some parts of town.

Brady had to be thinking that, like the Celtics, his team has not won a world championship since the glorious year that Boston had winners everywhere.

After watching the ease of winning for so many years, it is perplexing to watch the pain of losing. Did those teams back in 2007 make it look like a cakewalk? Was it harder than we realized?

The Celtics, Patriots, and Rd Sox seem to play the same game in the same way—but results are not so lucky for two out of three.

Boston fans are wed to their teams for better or worse—and now the fan vows are straining. The times are poorer, not richer, and the health of the Celtics is definitely in the sicker range.

Since 2007 the Patriots have ended up playing bridesmaids. And now the Celtics are standing in the last pew of the church, sobbing softly into their hankies.

The ring-bearers were all smiles in the Cathedral at Fenway.

 

 

Celtics Disdain Lottery Picks for Trade Chips

jelly O'Sully SUPERSTAR Jelly O’Sully

 DATELINE: HUMOR

 

Danny Ainge has spent two years collecting draft picks like a teenage girl collects Valentines.

Now he dismisses the entire concept of draft picks as overhyped.

He never had any intention of picking a new rising star. The Celtics don’t care about that—and their refusal to “tank” has proven that, much to the consternation of media insiders who don’t know anything about the Celtics strategy—even when it looks right at them.

Danny Ainge has already proved his template for success. This summer he will trade draft picks for superstars. He did it before, and he will do it again.

People seem to forget he created instant champions when he procured Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. He will be scouring the ranks of other teams and sending them draft lottery Valentines to win the best players possible.

Rebuilding with a lottery star takes years and is a crap shoot.

Winning with proven stars merely takes creating some chemistry in preseason. Danny has some experience in discerning what players will get along with what players.

He knows who wants to be in the Rondo camp—and if the cannot find stars of that proclivity, he may send Rondo packing and restock with chemically altered superstars.

Danny already has his young stars—Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger. Jelly O’Sully is the tandem that will be at the core. A year under their belts will make them the reason a championship is around the corner.

Perhaps Paul Pierce will return to give more shape to the proceedings.

Brad Stevens is now the magician and alchemist who will take what Danny gives and weave it into the gold standard of instant championship.

 

 

Celtics Don the St. Patty’s Day Short Sleeved Loser Look

DATELINE: St. Patrick’s Day Massacre

3some

The New Orleans Pelicans seemed to overcome the Standard Pelicants.

Of course, when you’re facing the Boston Celtics on the road this year, your motto is: “Yes, we pelican.”

Losing’s a shame because the Celtics wore that St. Patrick’s Day uniforms, authorized and enforced upon wary b-ballsmen by NBA corporate sharks.

The new look Celtics wore short-sleeve t-shirts as opposed to the usually airy tank tops that allows unshaven armpits to reach HDTV levels. Some athletes claim their armpits are stifled in the short-sleeve uniform, building up radon gas that prevents them from shooting 3-pointers.

Yet, we love the aesthetics of the new prosthetic prototype jersey. It looks like a Batman body mold in green.

Tapered and looking like the Playtex bra material gone amuck, the new jerseys appealed to us in our perversity. It hid a plethora of ugly tattoos. Indeed, we are now advocating for long-sleeved jerseys to cover up all that repugnant ink.

In some cases we may want the NBA bigwigs to authorize turtlenecks on advanced cases of Biblical quotes, drug symbols and other personal quirks running up napes of necks.

We like the look of newly minted and former Celtic Greg Stiemsma, now a Pelicant. He looked like the blond Bill Russell that Celtic legend Tom Heinsohn claimed several years ago. We didn’t like the guy with the unibrow who scored two score points.

Our own Jelly O’Sully looked resplendent in his new jersey, mainly because Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk have never seen a weight they’ve wanted to lift or a barbell they’ve wanted to press.

We love the second unit that looks like the wave of the future, Jelly O’Sully runs the floor with their little speedster hamster Phil Pressey. Sometimes it’s not hard being green.

Alas, the youthful errors of first and second year players done dood us in for now. Next year with a couple of first-round stars in the making, the team will be far more respectable with proper sleeves on their uniforms.

High Functioning Sociopath Controls Fate of Jelly O’Sully

DATELINE: HUMORImage

The rising Celtics stars were together, starting, which is more than they have done on their hometown team. Coach Brad Stevens has not started both Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger at the same time.

In the warmup bout to the NBA All-Star game, Jelly showed their flavor.

Sullinger began with a couple of three pointers that seemed to stun the crowd, and Olynyk also scored after stealing the ball. He was pickpocketed as well.

We really did not see much defense, and we were more puzzled by the player with the unibrow who seemed to receive the most cheers. Someone on the broadcast alluded to the fact that he played for the New Orleans Pelicants.

It was a hometown prejudice.

Sullinger made a few court-length passes, but by then we were already short of interest in this fake game. We had seen what we wanted, and now it was showtime according to the NBA scriptwriters.

These games are by nature faked versions of exhibition. How could we expect more? We needed to be happy that our Celtics boys, Jelly O’Sully, had made it out of town despite the Nor’Easter that blocked most airport travel.

We humbly await the day that Kelly and Jared are honest to goodness All-Stars, chosen because they won a couple of banners.

However, in the middle of the night, we awake in a sweat, fearful that Danny Ainge, a high functioning sociopath if ever we saw one in the NBA, as they call all Vice Presidents of basketball operations, could trade one or both while out on the west coast this week.

Gulp hard, fans.

Kris Humphries: Boy Wonder(s)

 DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

Image

When Kim Kardashian cast Kris Humphries adrift, we thought there was confirmation that she was a total idiot.

After watching Kris play basketball like a demon and horse around with his teammates, we think he’s a keeper and would never divorce him.

And, he is easier on the eyes than many others playing in this league.

Could he be the third member of the new Big Three with Jelly O’Sully, our combo of Sullinger and Olynyk?

Inquiring minds already have an answer.

There is no doubt too that Kris has more chemistry with Kelly than he ever had with Kim. She couldn’t bang into Hump with more than a bumper thumper style. When Kelly bangs his chest against Humphries, the earth seems to move.

We have found more excitement in the basketball skills of Hump and Jelly with Rondo hobbling around. After all, that new Big Three can pass the ball around to each other with more accuracy than Rondo has ever seen on a Celtics team.

For all those readers seeking beefcake photos of Michael Sam, you may be looking for love in all the wrong places.

We’re not quite over the Hump. We attach a beefcake photo.

In the meantime, Kelly Olynyk was asked about what he expected at the Rising Stars game. Like Mick Jagger, he had no expectations, but Jared Sullinger definitely had a response.

He believes that Kelly will be the game’s MVP. As for himself, Sullinger merely wants to show the NBA drafters that he is better than a 21st pick. He sports a powerful indignation.

Celtics Rising Stars See Doubles

 DATELINE: Jelly Jelling

3some

Doubles anyone? Make ours a double.

Jared Sullinger’s coach/father berated him recently for disrespecting the family name with his body language on the bench and his attitude during the game.

We could not envision how anyone could disrespect the name Jelly O’Sully.

Jelly O’Sully has a swagger and arrogance about him. That we have noticed. He seems older than his years—and more confident than Rajon Rondo at a fashion show for leather pants.

Jelly O’Sully is a Celtic legend in the making.

Jared eventually realized the error of his ways, and he has since apologized to his father for his errant demeanor. On the other hand, Jelly met with Kelly—and the two plan to tear up New Orleans during the Rising Stars game.

There will be no older mentor on that jet plane to the All-Star weekend—unless you count on veteran Jared telling rookie Kelly how to behave.

In the final game before the break, Kelly had his second double-double in a row. The tandem is jelling for Jelly. Soon we will have a plethora of double-doubles on a game basis.

O see! Can you see O’Sully?

Now, if only the front office could find a third to round out the next Big Three for Rondo’s delectation, though we are now finding more energy on the floor when Phil Pressey is leading the press on the opponents, giving even the San Antonio Spurs a run for the money.

Alas, we kept seeing the Bill Belichick of NBA lore on the opposite bench. The dour Greg Popovich seems to have taken his image from the equally dour Scrooge Belichick with his well-oiled machine of players.

 

Doubles All Around for Boston Celtics

DATELINE: Birth of a Celtics Nation

3some

Both sides of Jelly O’Sully had their first double-double.

Two double-doubles is better than a double martini shaken not stirred.

It may not be the last, but the Boston Celtics may be watching the birth of a bigger Baby than tanksters deserve.

They beat the worst team in the NBA handily when two young stars cut their teeth on the path to grow up to be real Celtics.

Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk seldom play together, as their coach apparently wants them to be individual stars, not Siamese Twin stars.

jelly O'Sully

Yet, the Celtics version of Chang and Eng may be closer to being Bird & McHale, Garnett & Pierce, or even Heinsohn & Cousy than anyone ever suspected.

Those myriad fans not watching the development of Sullinger and Olynyk will be the first to claim they saw it first way back in 2014 when the partnership results in a plethora of Banners to hang on the rafters.

Two double-doubles is sweet, especially when there is no Rondo feeding the babies their formula for success. Yes, they did it with Phil Pressey, not Rajon Rondo, as their chief little booster.

If they ever gain clout with the front office, you can count on the fact that Jelly O’Sully will insist they be spread upon the bread known as “Don’t Call Me Elvis” Pressey.

Ah, youth, for once it is not wasted on the young. Let’s hope it is not wasted on Trader Danny Ainge who may be facing a weeklong fire sale before the NBA trade deadline leaves a bunch of dead ducks in its wake.

 

Loving and Adoring Rondo

DATELINE: B-BALL LOVE LETTERS

 3some

Leave it to Jared Sullinger to identify what side of the bread his jam is spread.

And we do not mean the side he shares with Kelly Olynyk.

Sullinger gave an interview this weekend in which he blithely announced that Rondo has returned to form—and is now the Rondo “we love and adore.”

If he whispers those words in Rondo’s ear during a candlelight dinner, he will be given the ball often enough to score 20,000 points over the next ten years.

Against the Mavericks, Rondo and Sullinger already are showing off the kind of pass and grab that we last saw between Kevin Garnett and Rondo.

Sullinger is young and vibrant, pliable in a way that makes Rondo giddy with passes. He seldom makes passes to players who are asses.

Of course, not even Rondo can save every game, and despite a double-double, Sullinger barely scored eleven points in the loss. We remain heady with the future possibilities, despite these off nights.

Tomorrow Rondo will take a night off, disdaining the back-to-back games that have proven so deadly to the Celtics since the championship season.

Yet, Sullinger will be there with his Jelly O’Sully partner. O’Sully has taken over the leadership spot with pure adrenalin and charm.

Rumors continue to swirl that a big name Celtic is on the block—and trader Danny Ainge is looking for a piece to plug into his tank brigade.

The Celtics need a third big man to go with Sullinger and Olynyk. Then Rondo will have his new Big Three—and we’ll be off to the Banner 18 sweepstakes.