Tom Versus the World, episode 4

DATELINE:  Tom’s Camaraderie

 TB & daughter Brady’s little girl

Tom Brady uses “The Social Game,” episode four of his series Tom Versus Time to show his social feelings for teammates like Julie Edelman and Danny Amendola.

They belong to the elite caste: those who are officially part of the Brady posse.

Brady jokes that Edeman pumps up to qualify for naked magazine covers.

Edelman breaks the rules as usual and looks into the camera to tell us he is in an eight year argument with Brady about lifting weights. Alex Guerrero, head guru of the posse, believes that longevity is the key for Tom, and Julian wants only a few more years. Ironically, Edelman hurt himself in preseason and has not played all year.

However, Tom takes two players (Danny Amendola and Julian) with him to the Big Sky resort in Montana, where he goes usually. Brady insists he goes to the resort for some fun, but the main focus is training, obsessive constant training.

All this is interspersed with dangerous riding on ATV and motorcycles. It is also a time filled with f-this and f-that for all your moral prudes.

Brady notes that after five or six weeks of the season people are feeling it, and there are weird reactions: like those who say they have Brady fatigue, or that the Pats are doomed to fall.

In the meantime, Guerrero gives Brady a painful muscle massage on his legs. Theirs is a peculiar relationship. As is his insistence that his son Jack kiss him on the lips. It must be hangover from all those Robert Kraft kisses.

Brady admits he loves the social relationships with his players. His inner circle is clearly an all-male world of camaraderie. He said he loves his teammates, and a coach once told him he wanted to look into his eyes and see the same goals. He is against fear and insults, and that may explain his fury at the insults against his daughter by Boston radio personality.

Brady has also met with the WEEI people and may return to their airwaves.  He shows his great adoration for his daughter in this episode, which may explain the anger he expressed when she was vilified.

Yet, in all this bonding in all aspects of his life from teammates to children, Tom Brady never loses his focus. He does not have Brady fatigue.

Brady’s Tell-All, Episode Two

DATELINE:  A Shakespearean Life of Tom

 tom & julie practice

Tom Brady’s autobiographical miniseries, Tom Versus Time, continues to hit the hot airwaves in the days before the Super Bowl.

The problem with tell-all documentaries that don’t tell much is that friends are not viewers. Viewers are enemies, and they are looking for chinks in the armor, blatant deceptions, errors of judgment, and sundry revelations of the unexpected.

In that way, Brady continues to deliver the goods in the second episode of his self-indulgent rumination.

This show is about his mental game. He is on the down-slide of chess, not checkers. He must process and adapt it to a declining physical body. Tom House, the ex-Red Sox pitcher, advises him on the beach with Alex Guerrero and Julie Edelman doing the hard work (the only one shirtless and shoeless), catching balls.

Tom watches all day tape and film two or three days per week.  His book sits neatly on his desk, in one product placement silliness. He can watch game tape five hours at a time. It’s an addiction. He’s an addict. He sees his losses as a Gong Show with layers of scar tissue. Like an elephant, he lumbers to the finish line.

Brady tells how he often wants to kill Josh McDaniels, and vice versa. That’s love.

Few names or faces are identified because the only one that matters is Tom who struts and frets about being a poor player upon the stage, waiting for tomorrow’s game after a loss.

Tom House ruminates about aging and dusty death, and Tom regards past Super Bowl failures as a walking shadow. In between his tale of sound and fury, he films a commercial for a luxury car with his son at his side at his palatial feudal estate.

This stuff cannot be made up.

Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.

 

 

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down

GOATS

Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

Tom Brady Heads Kentucky Derby Delegation

DATELINE: Derby or Bust

QB fest

In an annual rite of spring, the Patriots are putting all their eggs in one post-Easter basket.

This year Tom Brady is again hosting a planeful of players at the Kentucky Derby. Last season he took Gronk, among others, who is left off the guest list this time. Perhaps there was a conflict with his Wrestlemania commitments.

This time Brady has fellow QBs of the Patriots, Jimmy G and Jackie Bissett, as his seconds and thirds.  Pardon us if we worry about putting Brady’s QB backups in the same private jet traveling cross country in this age of NFL QBs retiring to do broadcasts.

Don’t even ask how much it will cost Tom to foot the bill for this annual vacation for his pals. Thank heavens his wife is rapidly approaching billionaire status.

We aren’t sure of the wisdom of putting the Designated Survivors all on the same jet to Churchill Downs. Hasn’t Bill Belichick been watching that miniseries with Kiefer Sutherland?

The Patriots are even going so far as to allow a former Patriot quarterback to tag along (photos by Scott Zolak, now a publicity hound for radio and TV broadcasts).

We expect to see more hats than Hedda Hopper wore on the recent series about Bette and Joan worn by our Patriot attendees. High fashion is a de rigueur component of the Derby pre-game festival.

That’s nothing for Tom who often wears clothes by Tom Ford, former fashion designer to the stars, and now film director of weird movies like Nocturnal Animals.

To meet that side of the guest list, you can find nocturnal animal Julian Edelman (subbing for Giselle).

Hirsute Edelman Grins & Bears It Up

DATELINE: Hair Today

 beastie-boy

While Gronk and Danny Amendola shine with a winner’s glow during their off-season, appearing everywhere from fashion show catwalks to the Dayton 500, pity poor Julian Edelman.

The best he could muster was a make-over to deal with his nasty-looking beard. Some unkind Jets fans have speculated that no one wants to touch him—for fear of cooties or worse.

And, that alone has made him untouchable during those Brady passes.

We are sure lice have found a sanctuary city among the kinky hairline. It may take a Trump executive order to end the itch.

We suspect that apart from Tommy Brady, no one has made a pass at Julie since he started sprouting something akin to pubic hair on his chinny-chin-chin. We suspect some is growing out of his ears by now.

So, it seems somewhat normal that he would jump at the chance to have a beauty re-do. In his line of work, he seldom catches a second chance.

Once a cutie-pie with chiseled looks, he now sports the scruff like a badge of ugly. A few rationalists contend Edelman is in a hair-off contest with Rob Ninkovich, on whom facial hair has met never met a nose trimmer it liked.

Former Patriot star and wearer of #11 in past years, Drew Bledsoe sent a tweet to Edelman that the homeless logger look has reached its nadir.

Edelman responded that “homeless chic is in.” Perhaps he just needs a beard.

We suspect that the pressure has backfired, though we read between the sheets that Edelman may have been kicked out of more beds lately than in previous years combined.

The next line-up for Julie will be “bear call” at P-town’s hairy fright night in June when hibernation ends.

 

Numbering the Players: From Edelman to Rifleman

DATELINE:  Numbers

 rifleman-11

 Chuck Connors as the Celtics Rifleman

Word is now circulating that spectacular new superstar number 4, also known as Isaiah Thomas, wants to change his number to 11. It’s worn by Julian Edelman on the Patriots.  Number 4 was worn by Bobby Orr of the Bruins.

This almost sounds like heresy. In the middle of one of the great streaks of all time in Celtics history, the man wants to change his number 4, which exemplifies his fourth quarter histrionics, to a more metaphoric 11.

We suppose being a double number one supersedes being a simple number 4.

There have been equal numbers of players wearing 4 and 11 while playing as Celtics. Past number 11’s include Big Baby Davis. We doubt the Celtics will retire his 11.

We are most distressed that the first number 11 in Celtics history happens to be The Rifleman of TV lore.

Our favorite hero and villain (for he played both) was actor Chuck Connors. Before he started his acting career on Superman with George Reeves, he wore number 11 for the Celtics.

We have often wondered why Chuck Connors’ number was not retired.

However, it is clear to us, that Isaiah Thomas (a.k.a. cousin IT), if he continues playing at a Superman level, will be up there in the rafters with Bird and other high-flyers.

Whether it is as a number 4 or as a double 1, only the tea leaves shall tell. Right now our crystal ball is a bit murky. We do advise Julie E, #11, to stand clear. Here comes the new #11.

 

Babe in Toyland: Julian Edelman

DATELINE: Paternity Duds

 Bill Edelman:Julian Belichick

This week’s doomsday-sayers were not pontificating about Gronk’s terrible fate, but about Edelman.

Julie E has been somewhat of an absentee receiver this season. His pinned foot allegedly has made him into a slewfoot for gossip.

So, when he was not seen at practice this week one day, the murmurs and whispers reached a cacophony of snickers—and we don’t mean candy bars.

Of course, leave it to Chris Hogan, the wide-eyed long-bomb target of Tommy B this season, to let us in on the scoop. He almost appears to have taken the place of Julie in Tom’s playbook heart

Now, however, if Chris Hogan is to be believed, Edelman was in California on family business. How well has he kept us in the dark about the family way? For a greater part of this season, surely. It appears Edelman is now a proud papa of a baby girl named Lily.

No word on the mother. We can only speculate that nuptials are not in Edelman’s near future, as he is a dog star. Nor will changing diapers be high on his nightly workload. With a baby on the West Coast, and Edelman snowed in on the East Coast, he will be sending Pampers strictly by mail order.

It’s close enough to the big doo-doo for him. With his pal Gronk now under the knife and in traction and backing out of future wild and crazy antics, it would appear that Danny Amendola has moved to the front burner.

We saw Danny sitting next to Julian, sitting next to Tom on the heated bench, this past week during the Jets game.

As those two were exchanging recipes for finding loopholes in paternity suits, we noticed Chris Hogan slip into the mix and monopolize Tom over on the other side of the bench.

You never know what plots are afoot on the Patriots. It’s like monitoring the court of Henry VIII. You know a beheading is right around the corner where the hatchet man is named Belichick.

Babes in the woods are not withstanding.

Tom Brady Never Lets His Composure Slip

DATELINE:  Do Nothing UGGLY

at-home-with-julie-e-and-tb12

Tom Brady gave a press conference this week, but he didn’t like what he heard—and what he said was only visible if looks could kill. Tom was saintly.

With Tom’s old golfing buddy Donald Trump under assailment from women who claim they knew the mogul all too well, Tom was assaulted with a media question that usually sends Bill Belichick into his most miserable demeanor.

Tom cannot help but look charming, even if he wants to vomit.

So, when asked about the effect of Trump’s sexual peccadilloes on his children, Tom smiled benignly, like St. Francis of Asissi had just freed a llama from a heavy load up the Andes Mountains.

He thanked all and walked briskly off stage and into the bowels of Gillette Stadium, leaving a few tittering sports reporters, and a few other cursing the interloper who put a banana in Tom’s tailpipe.

This coincided with an Uggs commercial he made recently with Julian Edelman.  His primary receiver has been at him to make one of Julie E’s patented humor videos for years—and Tom has graciously declined, leaving Julian to cast punting roommate Ryan Allen as Everyman.

In his Uggs debut, thanks to Tom’s divine intervention, Julian wants Tom’s full attention as Tom plays couch potato—and engages in every irritating activity a little brother might use—from playing drums loudly to snapping popcorn package filler. Whatever looney device emerges from Julian’s demented mind, Tom ignores him until finally Edelman is prostrate on the floor, comatose from hyperactivity.

We are not sure whether the Uggs commercial was art imitating life, or merely a psychological depiction of the order of Brady’s mind.

Gronk & Edelman Rival Lucy & Ethel

DATELINE: In the Form of a Question

one eyed

Julian Edelman for $400?

You’d think we were on Jeopardy, the egghead game show for those whose pursuit of trivia is big time.

The question is how flattered was Edelman to be turned from Brady’s top receiver, to the penultimate big question on TV’s rococo game show?

This week’s playboy of the Patriot world trumped his teammate Gronk.

The two have had more schemes and tagalongs than Lucy and Ethel. Who can forget their plan to have an all-expenses paid trip to Vegas? It nearly ended their friendship when Jules accused Gronk of being cheap.

Their latest stunt is to hold a football clinic in October for the distaff side. We are sinking into the confidence game out in the open and out of the closet. Julian Edelman is prepared to take money from women and entertain them. We feel like singing “Just a gigolo, everywhere I go.”

Can we use the word “distaff” without blowing a women’s equality gasket? Yes, for a couple of hundred bucks, any woman who professes ignorance of the ins and outs of football can sign up, pay their dues, and be taught by Julian Edelman at Gillette Stadium.

If you really have money to burn, you can fork over $3000 for the chance to be chauffeured to the event by Edelman’s partner in something, Gronk.

Yes, these guys are going to all lengths to meet women. You might conclude their romantic lives are blessed, but to resort to snake oil bottles of charm strikes us as a new low.

On top of that, we await the Edelman/Gronk clinic for gay men who need to learn more about football and footsie. Now, that would be news.

Chiefs Tick off Clock, Can’t Beat It

DATELINE: Time’s Up

Andy Reid epitomizes a bad rap. He mismanages big games.  If you want to beat time, you have to know when to wave the terrible towel.

And, this season Reid did nothing to turn back the hands of time. It was wasted seconds, time outs, and lost time in another big game. If you need an excuse for what happened to Reid, you could blame it on alien abduction. Lost time is their specialty.

As it was, Belichick duped everyone who thought his team was decimated. He probably ticked off his enemies once again.

Gronk has added a few new dance moves to his repertoire before spiking the ball, and Brady is jumping up from doomsday hits like bullets bouncing off the chest of Superman.

If the Patriots wanted to show how ticked off they have become at the disrespect shown them by media in December, the clock struck midnight on any media mouse going up the clock.

Time and tide wait for no man, and Andy Reid was putting stitches in time to make nine points. He ran out the clock and ran out of time.

Whether time is a thief or a dysfunctional part of game management, only the next game will prove for certain. Tom Brady has turned back the clock, and Peyton Manning seems to be running on borrowed time.

Whatever next comes, the time for commiseration in Kansas has arrived. They are not Boston and cannot have too many champions all at the same time.

Kansas was not beaten by the Patriots per se. They failed to beat the clock, and the sands of the hourglass always run out on anyone who cannot think fast.

The Patriots clearly are in an alternate universe and seeping over into the post-haste world of Roger Goodell. Tom Brady is no white rabbit running late.

Return from the Ashcan: Gronk & Edelman Can

DATELINE:  T-Shirt Tease

 

Defying the odds and probably medical wisdom, the twin wackos of the Patriots returned to practice.

Julian Edelman limped his way through a set of exercises about three weeks ahead of schedule. Whether this proves to be a miracle or simply foolhardy, only the days ahead will prove.

He was high-fived by his Patriot compatriot in crime, Rob Gronkowski.

These boys likely urge each other onward and upward, even if it’s a bad idea to step onto a bad gam during a big game.

We saw the hideous result of a broken bone, unhealed and unknitted, being tested too soon in the case of Tony Romo, who simply fell slightly off and rebroke his collar bone.

Bones are funny, even when they aren’t in your elbow.

Bill Belichick gave a smile as he saw his twin kookoos on the field together again. It was the kind of approval that clearly sent a message to the entire team. Win one for the Gipper is only a phrase. Win one for the gimps might be more accurate.

Even if they are not 100% and are out on the field during the game as a ruse to fool the opponents, they have value. They will draw attention and likely give Tom Brady the millisecond he needs to calibrate his arm’s throwing.

So the madness in preparing Gronk and Jules for the game is diabolical in strategic value.

Big and little, the twin receivers of the corps will ring more bells than the Salvation Army can muster on a weekend before Christmas.

Burgers to Burritos: Olynyk Matches Edelman

DATELINE: DOLLARS TO DONUTS

Featured imageBurritoKing?

Celtics games continue to take a backseat to the backstory.

The latest team-spirit building centered on a wager that Kelly Olynyk could eat a burrito in four bites—while on a charter jet heading to Milwaukee. Unfasten your seat belts. It may repeat on you.

Not since the Fourth of July and hot dogs have we thought of such shenanigans. Whether he could win or lose, Kelly may have won the Tofu Turkey Award with this antic.

Teammates seem divided on the rules, but the four bites clearly had to stay within the bounds of a time constraint. There were more rules than DraftKings have to face in New York.

This is the kind of bettor investment (FanDuel calls it a “deposit” not a bet) that causes money to fly faster than at a cock fight. A few more of these macho contests and DuelKings will be banned in more states than Nevada and New York.

Patriot pal Julian Edelman will have to create a new burrito video to go with his notorious Burger Tyme show. Olynyk can clearly match dollars to donuts or burgers to burritos.

While wearing JE 11’s baseball cap, Olynyk depressed his lower jaw and shoved a dripping burrito into his mouth. With chipmunk cheeks, he seemed stuffed more than the proverbial turkey at Thanksgiving.  All was caught on iPhone video for posterity.

He tried stalling for time with a fastidious napkin break—but the overwhelming Mexican dinner made the hirsute Olynyk look like a flat tortilla.

If he has difficulty playing in the night’s game, we will understand why he is belching on the bench.

Julian Edelman Paves the Road to Hell

DATELINE:  Stand Down Comic

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We all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Julian Edelman is now on the DPW truck with tar on his hands.

If you think Edelman is an untouchable on the Patriots team because of his extraordinary development into the new Wes Welker, you need only ask Wes Welker how important that is.

Welker made a few foot jokes at the expense of podiatrist loving Rex Ryan—and it was the beginning of his New England curtain call. When he made choice comments in regard to his Machiavellian coach, he was toast. They did not want him back.

Edelman is stepping into those discarded shoes of Wes Welker. His interview with loathsome ESPN may be on the verge of treason in the fiefdom of Foxboro.

The slot man gives a dead-on impersonation of Bill Belichick in his full dyspepsia mode, telling players, “There are players at Foxboro High School who can play better.”  Even a moment after he did his public version of a Saturday Night Live skit, he knew it was less than a good idea.

That did not stop him from imitating Tom Brady in full octave higher mode, sounding like a harpie. Hmm, there goes four years of hard work trying to be Tom’s best buddy. Gronk’s take on it is that Julian is a toady of the highest order. Jules recounts his four year effort to become Tom’s jock-sniffing lackey.

Of course, Edelman’s piece of resistance may center on the Gaza strip tease he did. When asked if he were Jewish, Edelman put the emphasis on “ish.”  Hmm, we doubt that won him any friends at B’nai B’rith.

The entire idea to do an in-season interview on the network that had most blown up the Deflategate contretemps seems ill-advised at best. Whether Julian Edelman turns out to be the hero of the Patriots, or another cast off, only the cognoscenti can say. And, we aren’t talking.

Videographer & Funnyman Julian Edelman Also Plays Ball

DATELINE: Smoothie King

Julian Edelman obviously wants to put sports humorists out of business.

As a secondary matter to his Patriotic vigor, he is an adept filmmaker. His latest effort is a parody of Star Wars, which he calls Star Pats. In it, the voice over identifies his “father”—Bill Belichick! It also notes his sister, and we see the back of Tom Brady walking the tunnel to the field. He seems to cast himself as some kind of Chewbacca, though that role ought to go to Gronk.

Hmmm. We are not sure whether Belichick is meant to be Han Solo or Darth Vader. And, Brady makes for a rather undainty princess. We leave the metapors to Edelman’s imagination. We will not follow in his footsteps (which may be a first for Ossurworld).

Often known his hijinks and lowjinks, a furtive groper of the first order in the lockerroom, we also were shocked, shocked, shocked, to see one of his bimbo pickups posting a photo of Julian in restful repose in bed after a vigorous game of bedposts.

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We cannot say whether we are more distressed than he has pursued a hobby of bimbos or that he made choice in the other direction of “either/or” matters of carnal knowledge.

Edelman is responsible for a number of byzantine videos on YouTube, including a few on “smoothies.” (Tom Brady doesn’t “have time” to do a best friend video, Edelman snorts.) Shane Vereen, however, asks him if that is a banana phone in his pocket. Punter Ryan Allen seems to take the butt of the joke role in all the vids.

Humor has gone to the slot receiving dogs.