Yes, Tom Brady Wants Out of New England

DATELINE: Update on the Skids

Mask of the Amontillado

Now Tom Brady has dumped his 16-year charity work at Best Buddies, where he usually hosts races and football games every year. He is turning the reins over to Jayson Tatum and Julian Edelman.

Do you think Tom’s bags are already packed? 

If you listen to the experts in Boston sports, apart from us, you have learned this week that Tom Brady is greasing the skids to slide out of town at season’s end.

Tom knows which way the wind blows:  and it is blowing westward toward the San Andreas fault, where Tom can shake the earth on his own terms. Perhaps he sees Miami as the retirement home of his dreams!

We must agree with the details that Tom Brady is done in Boston, though the bigger picture may be smaller.

It seems that Tom has two reasons to leave: and they are Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft, both of whom have left him stranded without a receiving corps in an annual denuding of first-rate players. Whenever Tom finds someone to his liking, that player is sent packing for reasons usually salary-related.

And Tom remains among the lowest paid superstars at QB position. Taking a hit for the team has grown tiresome for Tom.

It may be that Tom wants to prove, finally, in his golden years, that it is he, not Belichick, who won six Super Bowls.  If New England wants a seventh, he may provide it on the way out. The door may slam on someone’s ass—but it won’t be Tom. Bill Belichick will stay on. Perhaps Josh McDaniel, beloved Babe, will follow out west.

Tom can win two or three more Super Bowls playing for the Raiders in his hometown. Fifty may be the new retirement goal.

Then again, Tommy—and Belichick too—want to show they never needed the other to win the next SB. Unfortunately, they both do need each other—and only will a final separation prove it to them and to the world. Belichick will hold on until his son can become the new King of the Patriots coaching corps.

For fans it will be too late.

In the meantime, Tom snipes at the Boston press—whom he has grown to dislike more than ever—and he and his best friend-trainer, the Svengali of TB12 methodology—have put their Massachusetts homes up for sale in prep for the next season in Oakland.

Yes, you can go home, Tom. And Boston was never home, even after 20 years of suffering through fame and fortune, bad weather and a hundred-fold of receivers.

 

 

 

 

 

Kick to the Groin by Patriots

DATELINE: Brady Boys Up a Tree

New England’s Patriots have done the near impossible: they have kicked themselves in the keester after a cramp nearly decapitated them of a head below the belt.

Bill Belichick has reached a stage of joking.

This week he thought about recalling Wes Welker out of retirement to be his emergency kicker. You know this idea did not emanate from Tom Brady—or it would have been seriously dead on arrival.

Welker is now coaching Jimmy G in San Fran where the Pats’ true heart is in little cable cars, halfway to the stars.

Brady himself pulled his foot out of the kicker sweepstakes by claiming his boot is in Denver. It may be where he ends up playing for the next five years.

With appendectomy, halitosis, and assorted ills, every kicker in the Patriot backfield has found himself unable to lift his leg to do more than pretend to be a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall for the holiday show.

Can a team go to the Super Bowl without a man with the kick-ass power to kick ass?

Julian Edelman may want to consider his role as slot receiver unfulfilled when word filters out that slot receiver and former Brady favorite Welker holds a record of sorts for kicking while catching.

So Julie may need to catch Welker while he can.

Practice makes perfect, but a full-blown rehearsal may be needed.

Can it be the Patriots are ready to lose every game for the remainder of the season? Can it be they will be out of the playoffs sooner than later?

Kick the Patriots in the scorecard and maybe they will wake up with their boots on.

 

Danny Amendola on MVP Julian Edelman

 DATELINE: Demon & Pythiass

Danny & Julie Danny with Jules.

One of the guests to watch the Patriots win yet again another Super Bowl, number VI out of LIII, was a man who chose to leave the team to sign a contract with rival Miami before this season.

Aspiring model and wide receiver for the Dolphins, Danny Amendola, was there as a close friend to videographer and now Super MVP Julian Edelman and supporter of his former teammate.When asked one of the more personally interesting questions as he arrived in Atlanta, he said he did not like Edelman’s beard. “It’s smelly,” he told reporters on the fly.

If any man has been up close to the challenge of finding food particles in Julian’s fur-based face, it is the always adorable Danny.

No man is closer to Edelman and as familiar with his workout partner’s habits, Amendola starred in many of Edelman’s videos and antics. Amendola surely knows the intricacies of Julie’s bushy follicles.

He, like the rest of us, may be perplexed at the ugliness of his facial hair—and how he now waxes and wanes his entire body below the neck.

If Edleman likes to take fur off his buff bod, you may wonder why he leaves the au naturel look on his chinny-chin-chin. He surely has bone structure as sharp as Tom Brady, even without Botox, which leads us to note that our most blockbuster blog is the one in which we discussed the “work” Brady has done to maintain his youthful looks.

It’s important when you plan to play a game in the public eye until decrepitude and the Grim Reaper darken your door to stay youthful.

As for Danny, who had his own oddball hopes of becoming a supermodel, he can only second-guess whether he regrets his decision to leave the big stage of the Julie and Tom show, Super Bowl perennials, to play with the fishes in Miami.

 

Tom Versus the World, episode 4

DATELINE:  Tom’s Camaraderie

 TB & daughter Brady’s little girl

Tom Brady uses “The Social Game,” episode four of his series Tom Versus Time to show his social feelings for teammates like Julie Edelman and Danny Amendola.

They belong to the elite caste: those who are officially part of the Brady posse.

Brady jokes that Edeman pumps up to qualify for naked magazine covers.

Edelman breaks the rules as usual and looks into the camera to tell us he is in an eight year argument with Brady about lifting weights. Alex Guerrero, head guru of the posse, believes that longevity is the key for Tom, and Julian wants only a few more years. Ironically, Edelman hurt himself in preseason and has not played all year.

However, Tom takes two players (Danny Amendola and Julian) with him to the Big Sky resort in Montana, where he goes usually. Brady insists he goes to the resort for some fun, but the main focus is training, obsessive constant training.

All this is interspersed with dangerous riding on ATV and motorcycles. It is also a time filled with f-this and f-that for all your moral prudes.

Brady notes that after five or six weeks of the season people are feeling it, and there are weird reactions: like those who say they have Brady fatigue, or that the Pats are doomed to fall.

In the meantime, Guerrero gives Brady a painful muscle massage on his legs. Theirs is a peculiar relationship. As is his insistence that his son Jack kiss him on the lips. It must be hangover from all those Robert Kraft kisses.

Brady admits he loves the social relationships with his players. His inner circle is clearly an all-male world of camaraderie. He said he loves his teammates, and a coach once told him he wanted to look into his eyes and see the same goals. He is against fear and insults, and that may explain his fury at the insults against his daughter by Boston radio personality.

Brady has also met with the WEEI people and may return to their airwaves.  He shows his great adoration for his daughter in this episode, which may explain the anger he expressed when she was vilified.

Yet, in all this bonding in all aspects of his life from teammates to children, Tom Brady never loses his focus. He does not have Brady fatigue.

Brady’s Tell-All, Episode Two

DATELINE:  A Shakespearean Life of Tom

 tom & julie practice

Tom Brady’s autobiographical miniseries, Tom Versus Time, continues to hit the hot airwaves in the days before the Super Bowl.

The problem with tell-all documentaries that don’t tell much is that friends are not viewers. Viewers are enemies, and they are looking for chinks in the armor, blatant deceptions, errors of judgment, and sundry revelations of the unexpected.

In that way, Brady continues to deliver the goods in the second episode of his self-indulgent rumination.

This show is about his mental game. He is on the down-slide of chess, not checkers. He must process and adapt it to a declining physical body. Tom House, the ex-Red Sox pitcher, advises him on the beach with Alex Guerrero and Julie Edelman doing the hard work (the only one shirtless and shoeless), catching balls.

Tom watches all day tape and film two or three days per week.  His book sits neatly on his desk, in one product placement silliness. He can watch game tape five hours at a time. It’s an addiction. He’s an addict. He sees his losses as a Gong Show with layers of scar tissue. Like an elephant, he lumbers to the finish line.

Brady tells how he often wants to kill Josh McDaniels, and vice versa. That’s love.

Few names or faces are identified because the only one that matters is Tom who struts and frets about being a poor player upon the stage, waiting for tomorrow’s game after a loss.

Tom House ruminates about aging and dusty death, and Tom regards past Super Bowl failures as a walking shadow. In between his tale of sound and fury, he films a commercial for a luxury car with his son at his side at his palatial feudal estate.

This stuff cannot be made up.

Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.

 

 

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down

GOATS

Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

Tom Brady Heads Kentucky Derby Delegation

DATELINE: Derby or Bust

QB fest

In an annual rite of spring, the Patriots are putting all their eggs in one post-Easter basket.

This year Tom Brady is again hosting a planeful of players at the Kentucky Derby. Last season he took Gronk, among others, who is left off the guest list this time. Perhaps there was a conflict with his Wrestlemania commitments.

This time Brady has fellow QBs of the Patriots, Jimmy G and Jackie Bissett, as his seconds and thirds.  Pardon us if we worry about putting Brady’s QB backups in the same private jet traveling cross country in this age of NFL QBs retiring to do broadcasts.

Don’t even ask how much it will cost Tom to foot the bill for this annual vacation for his pals. Thank heavens his wife is rapidly approaching billionaire status.

We aren’t sure of the wisdom of putting the Designated Survivors all on the same jet to Churchill Downs. Hasn’t Bill Belichick been watching that miniseries with Kiefer Sutherland?

The Patriots are even going so far as to allow a former Patriot quarterback to tag along (photos by Scott Zolak, now a publicity hound for radio and TV broadcasts).

We expect to see more hats than Hedda Hopper wore on the recent series about Bette and Joan worn by our Patriot attendees. High fashion is a de rigueur component of the Derby pre-game festival.

That’s nothing for Tom who often wears clothes by Tom Ford, former fashion designer to the stars, and now film director of weird movies like Nocturnal Animals.

To meet that side of the guest list, you can find nocturnal animal Julian Edelman (subbing for Giselle).

Hirsute Edelman Grins & Bears It Up

DATELINE: Hair Today

 beastie-boy

While Gronk and Danny Amendola shine with a winner’s glow during their off-season, appearing everywhere from fashion show catwalks to the Dayton 500, pity poor Julian Edelman.

The best he could muster was a make-over to deal with his nasty-looking beard. Some unkind Jets fans have speculated that no one wants to touch him—for fear of cooties or worse.

And, that alone has made him untouchable during those Brady passes.

We are sure lice have found a sanctuary city among the kinky hairline. It may take a Trump executive order to end the itch.

We suspect that apart from Tommy Brady, no one has made a pass at Julie since he started sprouting something akin to pubic hair on his chinny-chin-chin. We suspect some is growing out of his ears by now.

So, it seems somewhat normal that he would jump at the chance to have a beauty re-do. In his line of work, he seldom catches a second chance.

Once a cutie-pie with chiseled looks, he now sports the scruff like a badge of ugly. A few rationalists contend Edelman is in a hair-off contest with Rob Ninkovich, on whom facial hair has met never met a nose trimmer it liked.

Former Patriot star and wearer of #11 in past years, Drew Bledsoe sent a tweet to Edelman that the homeless logger look has reached its nadir.

Edelman responded that “homeless chic is in.” Perhaps he just needs a beard.

We suspect that the pressure has backfired, though we read between the sheets that Edelman may have been kicked out of more beds lately than in previous years combined.

The next line-up for Julie will be “bear call” at P-town’s hairy fright night in June when hibernation ends.

 

Numbering the Players: From Edelman to Rifleman

DATELINE:  Numbers

 rifleman-11

 Chuck Connors as the Celtics Rifleman

Word is now circulating that spectacular new superstar number 4, also known as Isaiah Thomas, wants to change his number to 11. It’s worn by Julian Edelman on the Patriots.  Number 4 was worn by Bobby Orr of the Bruins.

This almost sounds like heresy. In the middle of one of the great streaks of all time in Celtics history, the man wants to change his number 4, which exemplifies his fourth quarter histrionics, to a more metaphoric 11.

We suppose being a double number one supersedes being a simple number 4.

There have been equal numbers of players wearing 4 and 11 while playing as Celtics. Past number 11’s include Big Baby Davis. We doubt the Celtics will retire his 11.

We are most distressed that the first number 11 in Celtics history happens to be The Rifleman of TV lore.

Our favorite hero and villain (for he played both) was actor Chuck Connors. Before he started his acting career on Superman with George Reeves, he wore number 11 for the Celtics.

We have often wondered why Chuck Connors’ number was not retired.

However, it is clear to us, that Isaiah Thomas (a.k.a. cousin IT), if he continues playing at a Superman level, will be up there in the rafters with Bird and other high-flyers.

Whether it is as a number 4 or as a double 1, only the tea leaves shall tell. Right now our crystal ball is a bit murky. We do advise Julie E, #11, to stand clear. Here comes the new #11.

 

Babe in Toyland: Julian Edelman

DATELINE: Paternity Duds

 Bill Edelman:Julian Belichick

This week’s doomsday-sayers were not pontificating about Gronk’s terrible fate, but about Edelman.

Julie E has been somewhat of an absentee receiver this season. His pinned foot allegedly has made him into a slewfoot for gossip.

So, when he was not seen at practice this week one day, the murmurs and whispers reached a cacophony of snickers—and we don’t mean candy bars.

Of course, leave it to Chris Hogan, the wide-eyed long-bomb target of Tommy B this season, to let us in on the scoop. He almost appears to have taken the place of Julie in Tom’s playbook heart

Now, however, if Chris Hogan is to be believed, Edelman was in California on family business. How well has he kept us in the dark about the family way? For a greater part of this season, surely. It appears Edelman is now a proud papa of a baby girl named Lily.

No word on the mother. We can only speculate that nuptials are not in Edelman’s near future, as he is a dog star. Nor will changing diapers be high on his nightly workload. With a baby on the West Coast, and Edelman snowed in on the East Coast, he will be sending Pampers strictly by mail order.

It’s close enough to the big doo-doo for him. With his pal Gronk now under the knife and in traction and backing out of future wild and crazy antics, it would appear that Danny Amendola has moved to the front burner.

We saw Danny sitting next to Julian, sitting next to Tom on the heated bench, this past week during the Jets game.

As those two were exchanging recipes for finding loopholes in paternity suits, we noticed Chris Hogan slip into the mix and monopolize Tom over on the other side of the bench.

You never know what plots are afoot on the Patriots. It’s like monitoring the court of Henry VIII. You know a beheading is right around the corner where the hatchet man is named Belichick.

Babes in the woods are not withstanding.

Tom Brady Never Lets His Composure Slip

DATELINE:  Do Nothing UGGLY

at-home-with-julie-e-and-tb12

Tom Brady gave a press conference this week, but he didn’t like what he heard—and what he said was only visible if looks could kill. Tom was saintly.

With Tom’s old golfing buddy Donald Trump under assailment from women who claim they knew the mogul all too well, Tom was assaulted with a media question that usually sends Bill Belichick into his most miserable demeanor.

Tom cannot help but look charming, even if he wants to vomit.

So, when asked about the effect of Trump’s sexual peccadilloes on his children, Tom smiled benignly, like St. Francis of Asissi had just freed a llama from a heavy load up the Andes Mountains.

He thanked all and walked briskly off stage and into the bowels of Gillette Stadium, leaving a few tittering sports reporters, and a few other cursing the interloper who put a banana in Tom’s tailpipe.

This coincided with an Uggs commercial he made recently with Julian Edelman.  His primary receiver has been at him to make one of Julie E’s patented humor videos for years—and Tom has graciously declined, leaving Julian to cast punting roommate Ryan Allen as Everyman.

In his Uggs debut, thanks to Tom’s divine intervention, Julian wants Tom’s full attention as Tom plays couch potato—and engages in every irritating activity a little brother might use—from playing drums loudly to snapping popcorn package filler. Whatever looney device emerges from Julian’s demented mind, Tom ignores him until finally Edelman is prostrate on the floor, comatose from hyperactivity.

We are not sure whether the Uggs commercial was art imitating life, or merely a psychological depiction of the order of Brady’s mind.

Gronk & Edelman Rival Lucy & Ethel

DATELINE: In the Form of a Question

one eyed

Julian Edelman for $400?

You’d think we were on Jeopardy, the egghead game show for those whose pursuit of trivia is big time.

The question is how flattered was Edelman to be turned from Brady’s top receiver, to the penultimate big question on TV’s rococo game show?

This week’s playboy of the Patriot world trumped his teammate Gronk.

The two have had more schemes and tagalongs than Lucy and Ethel. Who can forget their plan to have an all-expenses paid trip to Vegas? It nearly ended their friendship when Jules accused Gronk of being cheap.

Their latest stunt is to hold a football clinic in October for the distaff side. We are sinking into the confidence game out in the open and out of the closet. Julian Edelman is prepared to take money from women and entertain them. We feel like singing “Just a gigolo, everywhere I go.”

Can we use the word “distaff” without blowing a women’s equality gasket? Yes, for a couple of hundred bucks, any woman who professes ignorance of the ins and outs of football can sign up, pay their dues, and be taught by Julian Edelman at Gillette Stadium.

If you really have money to burn, you can fork over $3000 for the chance to be chauffeured to the event by Edelman’s partner in something, Gronk.

Yes, these guys are going to all lengths to meet women. You might conclude their romantic lives are blessed, but to resort to snake oil bottles of charm strikes us as a new low.

On top of that, we await the Edelman/Gronk clinic for gay men who need to learn more about football and footsie. Now, that would be news.

Chiefs Tick off Clock, Can’t Beat It

DATELINE: Time’s Up

Andy Reid epitomizes a bad rap. He mismanages big games.  If you want to beat time, you have to know when to wave the terrible towel.

And, this season Reid did nothing to turn back the hands of time. It was wasted seconds, time outs, and lost time in another big game. If you need an excuse for what happened to Reid, you could blame it on alien abduction. Lost time is their specialty.

As it was, Belichick duped everyone who thought his team was decimated. He probably ticked off his enemies once again.

Gronk has added a few new dance moves to his repertoire before spiking the ball, and Brady is jumping up from doomsday hits like bullets bouncing off the chest of Superman.

If the Patriots wanted to show how ticked off they have become at the disrespect shown them by media in December, the clock struck midnight on any media mouse going up the clock.

Time and tide wait for no man, and Andy Reid was putting stitches in time to make nine points. He ran out the clock and ran out of time.

Whether time is a thief or a dysfunctional part of game management, only the next game will prove for certain. Tom Brady has turned back the clock, and Peyton Manning seems to be running on borrowed time.

Whatever next comes, the time for commiseration in Kansas has arrived. They are not Boston and cannot have too many champions all at the same time.

Kansas was not beaten by the Patriots per se. They failed to beat the clock, and the sands of the hourglass always run out on anyone who cannot think fast.

The Patriots clearly are in an alternate universe and seeping over into the post-haste world of Roger Goodell. Tom Brady is no white rabbit running late.

Return from the Ashcan: Gronk & Edelman Can

DATELINE:  T-Shirt Tease

 

Defying the odds and probably medical wisdom, the twin wackos of the Patriots returned to practice.

Julian Edelman limped his way through a set of exercises about three weeks ahead of schedule. Whether this proves to be a miracle or simply foolhardy, only the days ahead will prove.

He was high-fived by his Patriot compatriot in crime, Rob Gronkowski.

These boys likely urge each other onward and upward, even if it’s a bad idea to step onto a bad gam during a big game.

We saw the hideous result of a broken bone, unhealed and unknitted, being tested too soon in the case of Tony Romo, who simply fell slightly off and rebroke his collar bone.

Bones are funny, even when they aren’t in your elbow.

Bill Belichick gave a smile as he saw his twin kookoos on the field together again. It was the kind of approval that clearly sent a message to the entire team. Win one for the Gipper is only a phrase. Win one for the gimps might be more accurate.

Even if they are not 100% and are out on the field during the game as a ruse to fool the opponents, they have value. They will draw attention and likely give Tom Brady the millisecond he needs to calibrate his arm’s throwing.

So the madness in preparing Gronk and Jules for the game is diabolical in strategic value.

Big and little, the twin receivers of the corps will ring more bells than the Salvation Army can muster on a weekend before Christmas.