Brady’s Tell-All, Episode Two

DATELINE:  A Shakespearean Life of Tom

 tom & julie practice

Tom Brady’s autobiographical miniseries, Tom Versus Time, continues to hit the hot airwaves in the days before the Super Bowl.

The problem with tell-all documentaries that don’t tell much is that friends are not viewers. Viewers are enemies, and they are looking for chinks in the armor, blatant deceptions, errors of judgment, and sundry revelations of the unexpected.

In that way, Brady continues to deliver the goods in the second episode of his self-indulgent rumination.

This show is about his mental game. He is on the down-slide of chess, not checkers. He must process and adapt it to a declining physical body. Tom House, the ex-Red Sox pitcher, advises him on the beach with Alex Guerrero and Julie Edelman doing the hard work (the only one shirtless and shoeless), catching balls.

Tom watches all day tape and film two or three days per week.  His book sits neatly on his desk, in one product placement silliness. He can watch game tape five hours at a time. It’s an addiction. He’s an addict. He sees his losses as a Gong Show with layers of scar tissue. Like an elephant, he lumbers to the finish line.

Brady tells how he often wants to kill Josh McDaniels, and vice versa. That’s love.

Few names or faces are identified because the only one that matters is Tom who struts and frets about being a poor player upon the stage, waiting for tomorrow’s game after a loss.

Tom House ruminates about aging and dusty death, and Tom regards past Super Bowl failures as a walking shadow. In between his tale of sound and fury, he films a commercial for a luxury car with his son at his side at his palatial feudal estate.

This stuff cannot be made up.

Testy Fraternity of Brady & McDaniels

DATELINE: Patriot Arguments

I got you, babe 2 Bloody Brothers

Nearly one week after Tom Brady shouted at his boss, the Offensive Coordinator, Josh McDaniels, he has offered a full apology to the press, professing his undying love for Josh.

Of course, it took a week because Tom stayed away from practice for a couple of days.

Both men have worked together for two stints, amounting to a decade of years. Josh is a year older, as befitting a coach, or Irish twins.

Arguments like this happen in the best of families between brothers under the skin. Oddball Beckham, Jr., has been saying the media treats Tom differently when it comes to fraternal spats. Well, yes, Oddball, because Tom has won 5 Super Bowls.

As for the fraternal strife between Josh and Tommy, we can only point out there was a far worse argument between brothers Fredo and Michael Corleone in The Godfather sequel, and as we recall, that one ended badly.

We can also point out one of the earliest history lessons we learned as a youth centered on the situation in which Cain slew Abel for telling him he missed an open man.  Yes, there are some things you never say to your younger brother.

We have even seen the Hardy Boys, in the persons of Tim Considine and Tommy Kirk, have a tussle when the elder boy called the younger “stupid.”

We never actually saw Josh argue with Tom. He merely pointed out a flaw in the feet of clay of Brady.

You never say that to a man of such feats.

The two men did not quickly recover their senses, as has been reported, but sat apart on the bench between skirmishes on the field, offering a cold shoulder to the other, for about ten minutes.

Steam does finally evaporate, despite what happened to Cain and Abel, which we are told left a permanent mark. If this happened with Trump, he would have fired the offensive coordinator.

Patriot Volcanoes Erupt in Buffalo

DATELINE: Tom & Gronk Blow Up

 Everyone expected the Pats to blow away the new Buffalo Bills. Never did we expect to see Tom Brady and Gronk give twin eruptions. It was as if Twin Peaks suddenly had two live volcanoes.

First, step by step, Niagara Falls may be Gronk’s hometown where hundreds of fans are there just to see him, but a funny thing happened during the game. Gronk fell off the high wall and may well be suspended for a game.

All that practice with the WWE has paid off: unsportsmanlike conduct welled to the surface after Gronk was slandered, hazed, libeled, and picked on, by the various Buffalo defenders. In a fit of pique, Gronk blew his top like Mt. St. Helens.

It was a landslide to see, but likely will cost the parsimonious Gronk a few bucks—and give him a week to rest up before he faces the dreaded Pittsburgh Steelers in a marquee bout.

As for Tom Brady, he blew up on the sidelines at his closest non-playing pal on the team: his offensive coach Josh McDaniels. Apparently, Josh made an off-hand comment that was indeed offensive to Brady.

The slow burn turned into a curse-laden tirade. Babe and Tommy sat slightly apart from the rest of the quarter and ignored each other. Usually you could not fit a piece of paper between them as the pored over the iPad replays tete-a-tete.

Second half someone must have sent roses because Tom was a new man—and the offense had new life. Though Brady had no touchdowns for the rest of the game, he was talking to Josh again.

Thank heavens. We deplore domestic violence and don’t want to see trouble in paradise.

Josh McDaniels Not Learning from History



Bewitched and Bothered by the Browns

Josh McDaniels, the Offensive Coordinator of the New England Patriots, never really left Canton, Ohio.

When your home is the location of the football Hall of Fame, you sort of feel like you’re already all ready for the induction ceremony.

So, when the Cleveland Browns called, the Canton native trotted out his credentials for an interview.

A few more sober-minded in the media may want to ask Josh McDaniels why he would leave a perennial contender to enter the latest Waterloo sweepstakes.

The Browns, if our memory serves, was once the Waterloo of Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini.  It seems only appropriate that history repeat itself with another Patriot coach. Josh McDaniels seems doomed to repeat history, not having learned much from his mentor and colleague.

Tom Brady wants McDaniels to stay, but in his latest interview gave those between-the-lines hints that he is resigned to hearing of McDaniels resigning.

Coy and a tease as always, Joshie has said he is focused on the Colts THIS WEEK. Heaven forefend the Pats lose to the Colts because this week will be over and McDaniels can move on.

Since Brady is his own offensive coordinator, the job to sit on the sidelines with a clipboard and headphones and try to keep Tom’s attention when the defense is on the field is not easy. We can understand why Bill O’Brien and Josh McDaniels are itching to move off the bench and into the hot seat.

In the meantime, Julian Edelman has won the coveted seat next to Tom, though he never sits quite as close as Wes Welker used to. But, seats are no longer reserved on the Patriot bench. An excellent season will make Tom a better bench warming buddy.






Ridley’s Believe It or Don’t



Spooked by the Ghost of Laurence Maroney?

The ghost of Laurence Maroney has taken to haunting the life of Stevan Ridley.

If the ghost of Jacob Marley visits Ridley on Christmas Eve, it may be too late to save his season.  At this rate the business of holding the ball is his business, not mankind. What does it profit the Patriots if Ridley gains a few yards per game and drops the ball in the crunch?

Ridley has to be grateful that Bill Belichick has developed a thicker skin than he used to have. In the old days the coach’s lack of control led to shipping Maroney off before you could say Denver Broncos.

Of course, in those days, the destination of Denver was the place where Chippendale dancers preceded the Magic Mike show on the Bronco stage at Mile High Club.

Nowadays Belichick cannot follow suit because the coach who would take such players is now working as the Offensive Coordinator under Belichick. Cue the Chippendales.

So, perhaps Stevan Ridley is safe with the protective wing of Josh McDaniels.

On the other hand, Belichick has not much to work with nowadays, having sent all his best players to the four corners of the NFL, proselytizing other teams to championships.

As for pipsqueak Josh, he has always had a soft spot for men who are not perfect, as Billy Wilder used to say in his classic movie Some Like It Hot.

Ridley has not been a hot pistol for quite some time, if ever. In fact, he is just this side of Jack Lemmon in drag.

There is no truth to the rumor that the Patriots are looking to send Ridley into next season’s Ghost Mine where Maroney kept all his fumbled balls. There is always a chance of a cave-in that would keep Ridley out of the Patriots red zone drives for the rest of his career.

Believe it or not, Ridley may be playing under a lucky star.

While he is still playing, he is lucky that the star is Tom Brady.

 If you want to read the perfect book to understand why the Patriots are in the predicament of having the worst team with the best record, try reading NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, available on in softcover and ebook for smart readers.

Cinderella Tom Brady Dances in One Glass Slipper


Tom' shoe size?DATELINE: HUMOR!

Fans and media called the Patriot fiasco against the Jets an ugly win.

If this victory is one of the ugly stepsisters, then Tom Brady must be praying for a visit from his fairy godmother. He needs a magic wand to turn the field mice into coachmen.

The big ball may not be an option. Brady will not have a gown for the midnight dance. His ugly stepmother is named Bill Belichick, and the result means that Brady shall be staying home from the playoffs this year.

Cinderella had it easier than Tom Brady.

For Tom Brady there is no chance that Prince Charming (Wes Welker) shall return to Foxboro with glass slippers and 110 catches for the season.

How cruel is the world? Wes showed up in a commercial during the game, dressed in a Denver Bronco uniform. The Prince is living in a cheap operetta setting in the mountains. It is doubtful he can do anything to help Cinderella Brady.

Two ugly wins in 2013 has been like kissing two ugly stepsisters. How many more ugly stepsister wins can there be in the pipeline?

Josh McDaniels better start singing, “Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo…” to conjure up some kind of game-winning plan.

Brady may become so desperate for a pass receiver that he will beg for Brandon Lloyd to come out of self-imposed retirement—or insist that Troy Brown to suit up next week.

The only certainty is that the clock is about to strike midnight—and the Patriots’ illusion of going to the post-season is about to crash into reality.

Brady Takes a Tebow Knee and Everyone Else Prays



Tom Brady relived déjà vu all over again.

Those who know Tom Terrific and his mentality think the notion of post-traumatic syndrome is out of character.

Yet, when Tom Brady went down in practice, grabbing his knee, it was all eerily reminiscent of the year he lost with a torn ACL.

Like the previous horror, Tom walked off the field. Unlike the previous Patriot nightmare, Tom came back to the field and now insists he will play in a pointless preseason game on Friday night.

The bright lights won’t dim for Broadway Tom.

However, the shock and awe has rattled the foundation of the “In Bill We Trust” currency.

The value of the franchise dropped like bric-a-brac tossed at Bill Belichick by Wes Welker.

Tim Tebow, upon seeing Brady go down, dropped to one knee too, though whether his prayers had been answered or ignored, only Tebow’s friend (Big J) knows.

For the remainder of training and into the season, the alarmists and bloggers will watch every twitch and spasm Tom exhibits to trace the fall of the Patriot Empire to this one moment in the franchise history.

NFL insider T.S. Elliot contends, as always, that the career of Tom Cat Brady does not end with a bang, but with a whimper. He has  now changed his famous pronouncement, claiming August (not April) is the cruelest month.

Those pathetic little whimpers were coming out of Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels as he watched the freight train rush out of control and come at his blind-sided future Hall of Fame quarterback.

With disinformation spread like manure by the Patriot fawning media at Gillette, Las Vegas bettors cut their losses immediately with the gambling line.

To read other shocking tales of the Boston NFL franchise, take a look at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, now in paperback and e-book formats at

Long Live King Belichick!



Josh McDaniels has been anointed. It is not quite the River Jordan, but the media has dunked Josh into the Charles River to indicate that a greater one will follow Bill Belichick.

Yes, the aimless speculation has been spurred by one particularly brain dead sports personality in Boston whose airtime is suited to an airhead.

In recent days one radio/TV simulcast show has taken the idea that the Patriots have a vice president that is waiting for President Belichick to kick the bucket.

McDaniels, now back for a second turn as offensive coordinator, has turned down head coaching jobs in a week when a dozen bad positions have opened up. As a result of Black Monday headrolling, Josh was expected to run out the door to become king of his own realm.

Instead, McDaniels told the media that he would rather be a rightful coordinator than a wrongful head coach.

No one seemed to have any evidence that Mr. Belichick was about to abdicate the throne like some lovelorn British royal.

Nevertheless, boyish Arthurian Josh McDaniels has been dubbed as the one to pull the sword from the stone and take Belichick’s job. It is akin to Lancelot trying to steal the queen’s affection while the king slept.

Crown prince of the Patriots is not an easy role to hold when the King has sent more princes packing over his 13-year tenure than Richard III.

No one knows (except Belichick) if the sitting king is even remotely considering an abdication.

Previous speculation has centered on Bill staying the course until his favorite consort, Tom Brady, hangs up the spikes.

What no one seems to be realizing is that when Brady retires as quarterback of the Patriots, it is he who will become its next head coach.