Patriots Go to Hurricane Ravaged Tampa

DATELINE: Ill Winds in Tampa

off off-season

Thursday night in Tampa, the Patriots will lick their wounds and try to make former thug Jameswhatsis Winston pay for his past sins as a serial woman abuser. We doubt the defense is up to the job as morality police.

In the meantime, the Pats may want to visit one of the local hoosegows. It seems Jonas Gray, their one-game phenom of 2014, spent some time there recently for failing to pay for his child support.

Gray, the standup comic who failed to make Bill Belichick laugh, had one great game—and was benched for arrogance before Belichick, in his infinite wisdom, cast him adrift.

Gray became invisible and fell into disrepute faster than you can spell Kolin Kaepernick korrectly.

In the meantime, the Pats took off from Rhode Island for the land where a hurricane named Irma (or was it Harvey?) tested Trump’s ability to help white people survive a disaster.

We learned through special snooping that Tom Brady had a reserved seat in the front row of the new private Patriot jet. It’s the row with the most legroom. Yes, the seats on JetKraft are numbered with the player number. #12 is actually #1.

We did our crack work, but not on crack, to learn that the man sitting next to Tom was fellow captain and sweetheart of a moral goodness, Matthew Slater. Matthew has not played much this season, owing to injury, but he is keeping Julian Edelman’s seat warm.

Owners and coaches are in what would be considered first-class, where Kraft also has a bedroom where he can sleep well after berating his friend,  President and Lord of the Flies, Donald Trump.

In the meantime, the Pats have escaped Dodge City in Foxboro where their team is under siege. It now seems the NFLPA has called the new fake sod at Gillette “borderline actionable.” Talk about fake news.

We wonder if new turf will await the Pats during the Thanksgiving game when they conduct their world tour of disaster areas: Mexico City, earthquake central, is their next hot spot on the road.

Stand Up Comic Jonas Gray Stands on Sidelines


Man without a Clock

Jonas Gray has become the new Stevan Ridley.

The Patriots used to sit out Ridley after he developed a bad case of fumbling. NFL insiders were shocked, shocked, shocked, to hear that Bill Belichick simply refused to play someone who screwed up.

Well, those who don’t learn from history tend to repeat it. So, fans and media insiders are shocked again, deja vu redux, to discover that golden boy Jonas Gray has gone from fool’s gold to grey ghost in one week.

Bill Belichick beat the powerhouse Detroit Lions without the services of SI coverboy and standup comic, Jonas Gray.

So much for laughter being the best medicine. Gray looked glum on the sidelines. He more than likely saw his career going up in gray smoke.

Not since the Papal Cardinals (soon to be an NFL franchise) at their enclave failed to elect a pope have we seen so much gray smoke.

It’s a foggy night in Foxboro town for the man who scored four touchdowns in his debut and looked like the Messiah last week. He has been lugging around a giant cross in the shape of a grandfather’s clock.

Ridley couldn’t believe what happened to him, but the punishment woke him up. Let’s hope Gray finds a clear path out of the slumberland that engulfed him this week.

Oh, by the way, stay away from tweets that disparage your coach, Jonas, or you will become the Patriot Jonah. Furthermore, the Belichick Patriots won handily without any scoring by Sidelines Gray who looked like a man whose jokes fell flat in the locker room.

Time to Say Goodbye, Jonas Gray

DATELINE: Hourglasses


Bill Belichick’s Timekeeper Pictured Above


On the week’s most important practice day, Friday, rising star Jonas Gray decided he would rather be a stand-down comic.

Claiming his cell phone alarm did not go off because of a dead battery, Gray was sent home when he showed up at the Belichick facility late.

Time and tide wait for no one in Belichick’s world.

The clock is now ticking on the career of Jonas Gray. He has a timebomb for a coach.

Young men frequently oversleep after partying for the flimsiest of reasons. Gray’s 15 minutes of fame for his four-touchdown day may have just petered out. As a rookie, he is on borrowed time.

You may well ask why the moron threw the clock out the window. Or, you could just ask Jonas Gray.

In the classic film Beat the Devil, actor Peter Lorre used his most creepy voice to complain, “Time is a thief.” Jonas Gray tried to beat the devil with a tweet and a prayer. He seems to have forgotten that Bill Belichick is the only man allowed to beat the devil.

As Bob Dylan often warned, “The times are a-changing,” but the clocks were turned back a few weeks ago, Jonas. Time to catch up to the rest of the world.

Frank Sinatra noted in a tune you could be flying high in April and shot down in May. Jonas Gray has gone him one better: flying high on Sunday and shot down on Friday.

Jonas Gray merely experienced the proverbial stitch in time—and he lost nine…yards, that is.