Don Orsillo Loses His Head to King John Henry VIII’s Order!

DATELINE: John Henry as Queen of Hearts

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Don Orsillo Travels with Red Sox

King John Henry VIII has returned to his thrilling days of yesteryear.

He has called for the head of Don Orsillo on a silver platter.

Yes, the long-time voice of the Red Sox on television has been cut with all the pomp and circumstance owner John Henry can muster this side of a seppuku style suicide.
Known largely for his low key humor and patient tolerance of all things ridiculous, Don Orsillo now must gird his loins for the worst than can befall him. His television network, also owned by King John Henry, has decided the gentle voice and kind words of Don Orsillo do not fit a team that has sunk to the baseball cellar for two years running.

We had no idea that the man announcing the bad lineups ordered by King John Henry was also the fall guy for their failure.

Orsillo had shown grace under pressure while working aside long-time sidekick Jerry Remy whose own travails should have sent him packing years ago. With a series of medical problems and a problem child who committed murder, Jerry Remy has made Orsillo’s life difficult.

When a series of inexperienced and unprofessional partners were dumped upon him, Orsillo had the good grace to make them look almost tolerable. For that he has been rewarded with a vote of no confidence.

Someone with Orsillo’s mellifluous tones will no doubt find work quickly in another venue, better than the third-rate world of John Henry and Tom Werner’s media circus.

We feel compelled yet again to offer our bric-a-bracs to the front office buffoons who now run the Red Sox into the ground on a yearly basis.

 

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Unvarnished Truth About Jon Lester & Red Sox

DATELINE: HUMOR

 ClayBuchholz

And now for the truth you won’t hear on Boston sports blab shows or on websites beholden to the Red Sox kingpins…

We will tell you the unvarnished truth about why Jon Lester went elsewhere.

Yes, you could start at the long goodbye during the hideous 2013 season when the Sox ownership insulted Jon Lester with their offers. As Dan Shaughnessy brilliantly pointed out, Fredo Corleone was given a better sendoff by the Godfather.

That was the end of the trail, not the start of negotiations.

If you want to appeal to the heart of a player, you don’t send King John Henry VIII to make the appeal. You could send Robert Kraft who actually loves his players and relates to them as young men.

Henry relates to them like a disdainful banker. He is, at his smarmiest, a cold fish. He is not a dog lover, a hunter, or a down-to-earth uncultured slob. He is a snob.

Strike One!

Given a boatload of money, some players are charmed by the Red Sox, but others know they have to buy the duckboat for real love.

King John Henry VIII will invite players to his yacht, the Pequod, and give them expensive gifts—like a divorced parent on a guilt trip. But, then he will come down hard on the Chicken and Beer brigade—divesting them to another league and another coast. Those chicken wing munchers like Josh Beckett and Adrian Gonzalez were friends of Lester.

Strike Two!

When you ask all those Red Sox players on the Yankee roster the eternal question of “Why”, they will look at you with befuddlement. They wonder what is going on in the bubbleheads on Yawkey Way. Jacoby Ellsbury is only the latest to feel when they fall out of love with you, you are dog food.

Strike Three!

King John Henry VIII’s minions will now talk a great game to win back the goodwill of fans. But, be careful, fans. That bridge goes to Brooklyn. Mae West and Bugs Bunny and King John Henry VIII are only the latest salespeople.

 

NESN Kingpin Beheads WEEI

DATELINE: HUMOR

JUNKYARD pooch

A few days ago we called on WEEI, one of Boston’s all-sports talkfest stations, to rid itself of gadfly Kirk Minihane, a self-professed iconoclast.

He finds a rock to hide under on the Dennis & Callahan Morning Show at the radio station. Latest brouhaha with him was hardly a haha funny moment in which he called a fellow media reporter/analyst a “gutless bitch,” though the sobriquet might better fit him.

We did not think that host cable network NESN, owned by King John Henry VIII, would be the one to call for the removal of the head of Minihane. Yet, lo and behold, NESN has announced that they are severing all ties to Dennis, Callahan, WEEI, and Minihane.

What more do you need, Entercom Productions? Fox Network, no bastion of honor, has even told its talent to avoid your station and that show in particular.

Local liberals have hated D&C Morning Show for ages. The two sports-savvy hosts are too conservative for the area. They are also too intelligent and knowledgeable. They have however gone wrong in an attempt to appeal to ratings. Minihane is a step in the wrong direction.

Oddly enough, John Dennis and Jerry Callahan may find new jobs when their contract runs out in September as they have some abilities. Yet, it is Minihane who will inherit the show, as he is the last one under contract by WEEI.

We will miss the occasional peek at the simulcast show that often stole our best humor for their own edification.

Fourth Estate Bought by King John Henry VIII

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Freedom of the press has a high price, but King John Henry VIII has the cash to buy good publicity. Owning the Red Sox TV station has shown the propensity for hard-hitting journalism Henry exhibits.

When you own the television station that shows your team play and pays all the hosts and guests who comment on your franchise, you’d think you had a life of Riley.

Not so, if you ask Henry who has mortgaged the farm to gain control of Boston’s bloated and high falutin’ rag, The Globe.

If you think that King John Henry will have no impact on Red Sox stories and muckraking on the sports scene, we have the Zakim Bridge for sale for you at a good price.

The Globe sale comes with website and online editions, thank heavens, or it would be like buying a dinosaur egg in hopes of starting up the species again.  We only read the free half-page appetizers the Globe feeds us and always decline to subscribe.

A few intrepid reporters at the Globe may be in peril for their jobs, but we are sure the hammer won’t fall until the season is over.

We are also grateful that the real gossip writers are still ensconced over at the sleazy Boston Herald, or we will never know what antics King John Henry VIII indulges in, or what minions have lost their heads and their jobs.

Our own humble job application at the Globe to take Dan Shaughnessy’s place has about the same odds to succeed as Dan has to keep his job until Xmas. Oh, well, we are in good company.

 

 If you like your muckraking pure, read RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL, now available on Amazon.com in softcover and ebook.

http://williamrusso.us

 

Tito Francona Bites the Sexy Back of the Red Sox

DATELINE: HUMOR!

The French Revolution caused heads to roll, but that may be nothing compared to the new book by Terry Francona, the former Red Sox manager done dirt by ownership.

King John Henry VIII, principal owner of the Red Sox yacht called the S.S. Minnow, is to be cast adrift by Boston fans like Captain Bligh.

Tom Werner, another of the Three Stooges Owners and Cosby Show producer, wanted sexy back—and urged the team to find good looking players to please the fans, which no doubt led to the Red Sox marketing department to say Jacoby Ellsbury had a large gay fan base.

Larry Lucchino, the enforcer of the threesome, may need to break the legs of any one at NESN who mentions the new Francona book. Francona noted that the owners’ TV network required more exciting ways to win baseball games for better ratings.

With a handful of excerpts hitting the sports media market, the Sox ownership has found its wish-come-true: they have a soap opera story to appeal to fans.

Boston sports media has an uncanny ability to smell one drop of blood in an ocean as big as Red Sox Nation—and right now the Sox franchise is hemorrhaging through every orifice. Mack the Knife could not have done a better job on John Henry’s crew.

If ever there was an impetus to sell the Red Sox, the ownership has found themselves in dry dock while the ship searches for leaks.

Expect a new reality series, exclusively shown on the Sox cable TV network in which good-looking, pleasant guys in the locker room will take lots of showers. It’s getting their sexy back.