Celtics Choke Again.

DATELINE: Once More With Feeling

Boston Celtics used to be a subject we could write about with amusement. Not now.

Since the Great Bubble Experiment of the NBA where home court is a myth, you have the Celtics not playing home games on their notorious parquet floor. It used to give them a superstitious advantage.

Nowadays, home court is somewhere in Florida where alligators await being made in a sow’s ear. The Boston Celtics have fisticuffs in the locker room, and their vaunted stars (Kemba, Smart, Brown) are proving to be lesser lights.

Long live the Celtics. The team is dead for this year. There is one word you never hear in the Boston media: choke.

 We hear the strangulation gasps for air. We hear the air leaving the bubble.

The Celtics have epitomized the concept of choking under the pressures in big games during a series against the Miami Heat.

There is no other way to describe a team that is fighting amongst itself more than against the opposing team.

You have the great Kemba Walker not exactly performing well. Maybe there is a reason why he never played in playoffs all these years. Now in the playoffs, he is choking. He does not know how to play big games, with no experience.

Marcus Smart is dumb, and his insanity now is the noose choking the team. Jaylen Brown is playing chopsticks on his piano most of the game.

Jayson Tatum, Bird in waiting, is now proving that he knows not what a dagger to the heart means.

Bird did.

So, we have a team in disarray, in stress, playing poorly when they need to be their best. Something’s gotta give, folks.

Wait till next year may mean more than the Curse of Kyrie Irving.

Nobody gives squat about the Celtics anymore.





Monday Night Football, Basketball, and Ancient Aliens

 DATELINE: Boston’s Conundrum

Green Hornet & Lantern Greens: Hornet & Lantern

For the better part of a decade, there has been no such creature as a head-to-head match-up of the Boston Celtics and the New England Patriots.

It was no contest.  We could plead nolo contendre with gay abandon.

If the two franchises were playing in the same small timeframe, without question, the attention went directly to Belichick, Brady, and their imitation of 1950s-60s Celtics as a football franchise.

Perhaps in some future date the Patriots will have 17 championships and Bill Belichick and Red Auerbach will march, arm in arm, into New England mythology. You will see Tom Brady and Bill Russell matching ring for ring on their fingers.

However, this week in Boston, the conundrum rises anew: the Pats are playing on Monday night, and so are the newly rejuvenated Celtics. Normally, Patriots are sitting court-side at the Celtics game—but both teams are on the road and playing simultaneously.

Nineteen-year old shooter Jayson Tatum is leading the league in three-point shooting. We haven’t seen a 19-year old with this kind of dead eye since Billy the Kid shot up the New Mexico league in 1880.

Brady is twice as old as Tatum, but together they could be an epoch of victors lasting half a century. If Jayson Tatum plays until the mid-2040s, he may be retiring at the same age as Tom.

We are not sure whether we will be around for the accolades and retirement ceremony, but it is possible.

Hardly a man is now alive who saw Babe Ruth pitch for the Red Sox, but we are the recipient of modern medical miracles already.

So, whom will you watch on Monday night?

Fortunately, the new age of technology allows us to put the Patriots on our tablet and the Celtics on our smartphone—and leave our other attention to a new movie on UFOs on cable.

Life is grand nowadays. We are riding in the chariots of the gods.





Jaylen Brown’s 3-D Vision

DATELINE: Celtics Find Clark Kent in Green Lantern

clark kent

Don the Goggles!  He doesn’t need a cape. And you can no longer spit in his eye.

Jaylen Brown may have had an eye infection from his contact lenses this week. However, his solution is not just sterilized: it’s made of plexiglass.

Yes, Jaylen has found his personality. He will henceforth wear goggles. This gives him an edge as an all-star and Celtics legend.

The man who wouldn’t be photographed in glasses will now appear in wrap-around goggles. Brown insists he can see better than ever. In fact, the goggles give him “3-D vision,” in his own words.

Heavens, and we thought all of us had 3-D vision, born with at least one superhuman quality.

This new asset of Jaylen may not be confused with X-ray vision or infra-red vision, or other superhero attributes.

Whatever, Jaylen played like Superman in his new regalia. If Kyrie can wear a clear mask, then Jaylen does one better than superstars of yore in basketball.

Yes, Brown has channeled his inner Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

In his new personae as The Celtics Green Lantern, it would seem that Brown may look more like Sponge Bob than Kareem. He may have more ability to see than Madame Acardi facing Blithe Spirit.

Whether the goggles give him a true extra set of eyes remains to be seen.

Move over, Clark Kent. The intellectual Brown now appears to be smarter than Smart and flashier than Beyonce.

Will the bespectacled Brown take the permanent role of superhero with the brown eyes under glass?












Trump, Moore Chased by Frankenstein Monster


Celtic Jaylen Brown: Out with Bad Eyesight

DATELINE:  No Attitude Glasses for Jaylen

how smart is this guy?

Marcus Smart in Attitude Glasses

Boys who wear glasses seldom make passes in the NBA.

We’re not sure if we should tip our cap to Dorothy Parker or Ogden Nash.

The Green Lantern of the Boston Celtics, also known as Jaylen Brown, was unable to play basketball last night because he didn’t clean his contact lens properly. He can’t wear goggles like Kyrie.

It can happen to anyone, but sometimes your lens cleaning falls awry and the lens can result in redness and other problems. You will have to take out the lens and not wear it until the eye clears up.

The young Celtic superstar in the making has found that he must revert to his Clark Kent eyeglasses for the foreseeable future.

Jaylen Brown couldn’t play wearing glasses, knowing the last person to do that with some Los Angeles Laker 30 years ago.

So, Jaylen  had to stay in the locker room and tend to his red eye. As the resident intellectual of the team, we think he would look good in glasses on the court. Court

Jaylen, of course, reads voraciously, plays chess dress like a Grand Master, and plays a fortissimo piano.

We suspect that he uses eyeglasses when accomplishing great achievement in those fields. However, being a rock star celebrity of basketball is not in the field of vision.

Eyeglasses being anathema, Jaylen was unable to allow photographs of him with four eyes. We hope his eye clears up soon and he will be back out on the court with his fellow Hardy boy and basketball brother, Jayson Tatum.

Marcus Smart has worn fake eyeglasses to look smart, but Jaylen really is smart.




Jaylen’s Grief

DATELINE:  Mourning StarBrown

Trevin with Jaylen a few weeks ago.

Boston’s Green Lantern, aka Jaylen Brown, went to Scottdale, Georgia, for his friend’s funeral on Saturday. Though a plane is scheduled to take him to Indianapolis to play that night with the Celtics, no one is sure whether Brown’s emotional state will allow it.

This bravery in the face of melancholia is right out of the Isaiah Thomas playbook, referring to the death of that Celtics’ player’s sister during the playoffs last season.

Everyone lauded the steely resolve of Thomas to go out and win one for his sister. That, of course, did not stop the Celtics from trading him away during the off-season, not long after.

Business transcends even death in the world of pro sports.

Now Jaylen Brown has faced the media repeatedly with his own demons of death haunting him. It might be horrible enough as a young person to deal with emotional horror in private, but to face the onslaught of heartless media may be asking for valor beyond nature’s requirements.

Brown himself said he would have preferred to stay alone in his room. Being an introverted chess player, the Celtics superhero in the making has been able to compartmentalize his grief. He has even found the spirit of the dead motivating his performance on the court.

As for the lost friend, Trevin Lamont Steede, we remain kept in the dark. Brown’s friend died a week before he apparently heard about it. There were apparently no warning signs or dreaded expectations.

Steede won a high school award for sense of humor and played 1-on-1 with Brown during a recent visit. He seemed in good spirits and good health.

The introspective Jaylen seemed open and personable with his late friend, as one would expect with a private relationship, not meant for public consumption.

The mysterious events in the life of Jaylen Brown may haunt him for his career. Kevin Garnett lost his best friend suddenly as a young player—and his character became encased in a hard demeanor for years.

Jaylen Brown as the Green Lantern

DATELINE:  14 Ducks in a Row

Green Lantern

While everyone thinks of Kyrie Irving as the Masked Marvel, Jaylen Brown has escaped notice as the chess-playing version of the Green Lantern.

In the early match-up between the evil Empire of the Golden State Warriors and the Boston Celtics, Kyrie Irving shed his mask when the game looked bleakest. It was reminiscent of Superman removing his Clark Kent disguise to help propel the Celtics from a 17-point deficit.

However, he could not work alone he needed help from Jaylen Brown. Playing under unpleasant circumstances, reminiscent of what Isaiah Thomas in last year’s playoffs, Brown turned on his Green Lantern powers. Perhaps he looks skyward to the banners from where all Celtics gain their magical powers.

It’s more than possible that he drew upon the spirit of his recently passed friend. He almost did not play, in deference to the sudden death of a close friend. Whatever the motivational issues, Brown turned into the Green Lantern and transformed into a champion before our eyes. He has become now in his second year the Guardian of the Celtic Universe.

Oh, his deputy may be the Robin Second Banana, named Tatum, but the sudden emergence of Brown as the Green embodiment may be a bigger revelation that the expected superhero status of Kyrie Eleison Irving.

With a 14th victory in a row, and the Celtic record at 19, you need not look any further: such starts mean a team seldom falters in March. The lead will be too insurmountable.

In one game in November, coming from behind, vanquishing the World Champs, these new Celtics have stepped into the realm of Celtics Past.

Pursuit of The Black Bird

 DATELINE: Dream Stuff


We recall the Black Bird well.  He was the stuff dreams are made of.

Lest we become carried away with a successor to Larry Bird, we are smitten with a new generational phenom.

It is no mistake they gave him Rondo’s old number. It’s as if the Celts want to unofficially announce the torch has been passed to a new era. Rondo might have inspired books, poetry, and shock treatment during his days in Boston, but now we are moving on.

Two factors come into superstar play in Boston: longevity and championships. Without them, you are just another hanger-on to the public fancy. Just ask David Ortiz and Tom Brady. They built special wings in New England fandom’s castle in the sky.

How dare anyone foist a mantle upon the shoulders of a young hotshot with a Bobby Fischer talent and less than a handful of games under his belted short shorts? Or, as we say in Boston, shot shots.

The Celtics never play rookies, let alone start them, let alone start them against LeBron James. Perhaps we are dreaming about Black Birds. It could never happen in Boston.

Previously on Celtics Champ Watch,  a 19-year old phenom came to Boston and hoisted a banner—but he didn’t arrive here until he was past 30 and he showed a flair that was movie star in nature. His initials were KG.

He, like Bird, had compatriots to ease the travel to superstar champion mode. What has our new Black Bird found on the wing? A Smarty pants, for sure.

With two you might get eggroll, but we doubt there is a banner coming this season. Really, a banner this season?? It’s the stuff dreams are made of.

Ah, yes, we are keeping tabs on that tempting Black Bird.


Ready to Wear: Jaylen Brown Goes Green

DATELINE: Don’t Call Him Shorty


Celtics rookie Jaylen Brown may start to look like Larry Bird if you focus on the lack of air circulating through his uniform shorts.

The baggy at the knees look causes a dribbled ball to go where no bouncing ball should go. It’s either that, or no NBA player should ever dribble between the knees.

Jaylen Brown knows how to play chess. And, basketball requires fancy moves for your average queen, but custom underwear moves too. He has gone throwback when it comes to moves of the 1980s. We first thought he resembled Dee Brown in Green. Now we know it the 1986 champs we see in mesh material.

He disdains shorts that resemble a hoops skirt.

There are only so many places you can go in short shorts of the NBA.

We always like to see the pendulum swing back. We have kept ties in our closet older than Jaylen Brown for the occasion when all that investment in paisley silk pays off again

Jaylen Brown also wants to bring back dimpled knees. In college, that ironclad monolith that prevents free spirits from experimenting, they would never allow Jaylen the chance to show off his assets. They stopped him from developing a big tool in his game: how to run down the court like a jaybird.

It takes a small pair to make a big man. Knowing how basketball players reach out to grab anything that dribbles past them, we see that Jaylen Brown has shortened the option.

Fans love a man in a uniform that makes Under Armor more important. Jaylen insists his uni preference is not a style faux pas, nor does it mean he is a Trailblazer from Portland. No, indeed, he is a Celtic through and throwback.

He insists, “I’m doing me.”  We give full credit to the site that keeps an eye on the cruising passions of the NBA—and thank them for bringing shorties to our attention.

We refuse to call Jaylen, “Shorty.”







Boston Celtics Bite the Dust at NBA Draft

DATELINE: All Done in June

how smart is this guy?

Not So Smart After All

It was the bottom of the ninth, and the bases were loaded. Oh, wait, it was draft day—and the Celtics had the third pick.

For weeks the media dogs have been baying at the Moon. They knew the gypsy caravan of Danny Ainge was about to steal somebody’s star from under the bridge.

A funny thing happened on the way to the war room.

The Mighty Ainge struck out.

You really cannot predict what teenage prospect of basketball will turn out to be the next Kobe, Bird, or Paul Pierce. You win some, and you lose some. But, the fans expected something big.

They expected to hit the heights, and oh what heights they hit. It was the epitome of discontent—and winter is still six months away.

The charming young chess whiz, Jay-B, or Jaylen Brown promised he would strive for the heights. He might as well have been speaking of Brooklyn Heights. Call this another mysterious light in the night sky.

Celtics fans felt like someone had told them an exoplanet was in the Goldilocks Zone. It was telling them the next banner was light years away.

The highly vaunted picks that Ainge hoarded like gold bullion at Fort Knox turned out to be more like what King Midas was left with after he cried, “Enough!” And, the fans sent a cacophony of boo to greet the messengers.

Who were these picks?  You couldn’t trade them for Rajon Rondo and a ticket to the Greta Garbo Film Festival.

The Mighty Ainge has struck out—and waiting for next year is not yet an option. We stuck our thumbs into the pie and found ourselves plumbing the depths.