Celtics Play Hair Ball

 DATELINE: Hairless in Boston

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We have been scratching our heads over Jared Sullinger and Marcus Smart. We haven’t seen such a hairball since the cat got sick.

They remain #36 and 7 in our programme, but there is a hint of Mini-me and his master in their demeanor.

If you are looking for clones in pint size, Jared Sullinger has met his match.

If you think Sullinger lost weight this summer as he promised, you may have been hoodwinked by the misdirection to the top of his head.

We are not sure if this will fool opposing players into thinking they are looking at #36 when #7 is actually dribbling the ball.

We are not sure if this new hair style is meant to fool Danny Ainge into thinking his large round Sullinger has melted into a lithe and smaller Sullinger.

Birds of a feather often fly together, but we aren’t sure just yet that the hair is flying or just the feathers of a peacock.

Both Celtics players now sport a Mohawk hairdo with a golden comb, like Foghorn Leghorn.

We will miss Jelly O’Sully this season, but right now we seem to have Jarhead Smartullinger, the newest Green to Gold craze.

As we recall, fellow New Englander Robert Frost wrote a poem about green going to gold. We had no idea he was a Celtic fan. We had no idea Sullinger was a Frost fan. Never the Mark Twain shall meet again.

Welcome to the Hair Club for Celtics.

Awaiting on the Partnership of Sullinger & Olynyk

 DATELINE: Return of Jelly O’Sully

sullinger devil in a black dress

 

With the departure of Rajon Rondo, the Celtics have a gaping hole in their conundrum syndrome.

Enter Jared Sullinger.

While not as Garboesque as Rondo, he is proving that he can be Rondoesque. The affable, social, friendly Sullinger will talk to the media—or anyone else who waylays him on the way to a game.

As consequence, he was the Late Mr. Sullinger for two games in one week. This resulted in the team benching him from the starting lineup. Coach Brad Stevens may have thought he was done with Advil moments when #9 hit the road, but think again.

Sullinger plays hot and cold. Gosh, does that remind you of anyone recently traded to Dallas?

And now the media is circling Jared Sullinger like he is the reincarnation of Rondo Past.

Who can blame the insider contingent? There is little precious to write about the Celtics nowadays.

Sullinger’s better half, Kelly Olynyk, seems injury prone this season and the tandem has not been on the floor together nearly as much as fate would allow. Once we have the exciting combo of Jelly O’Sully back in form, we know we are on the way to another championship (when Danny Ainge cashes in all those draft chips).

Olynyk may be a good partner for Sullinger now that Phil Pressey has been sent to the gulag in Maine. He needs a new number one go-to-supper on the road pal.

Sullinger could do worse than befriend Kelly who often calls his teammate “Mr. Hard Foul in Practice.”

Jelly O’Sully About to be Rent Apart

DATELINE: HUMOR

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The strange case of Jelly O’Sully would make Robert Louis Stevenson cry. Jekyll and Hyde had nothing on Sullinger and Olynyk. It appears one half of the new Celtics is too sensitive to buy into his genetic splice.

Yes, after a mind meld that would make Spock and Kirk one, we tried the technique last season on Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk. They seemed like two halves of a future dynasty.

And, for a while, Coach Stevens (just call him Robert Louis Stevens) seemed to play along. He brought together the two disparate souls and tried to weave them into a starting lineup core to pass off Rajon Rondo, another head case that already had two halves.

After a promising start, Kelly Olynyk has started to tank. Now after an abysmal November, you find Olynyk and Sullinger separated on the court.

It appears that Kelly Olynyk is now KO’d. He spends more time on the bench, sitting next to his soulmate Phil Pressey. They seem to be the ones with chemistry, but we are not getting much better living through this chemistry.

It may be that where Pressey goeth, so shall KO follow.

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We used to have a tandem like this in Boston: it was Kendrick and Rajon, but the Celtics tore them asunder and created a downfall for the franchise. Wags noted that you couldn’t have two men starting who couldn’t shoot a free throw.

Now you can’t have two men spliced into one superstar.

Jelly O’Sully looks like jelly without peanut butter.

Celtics Find the Sixth Man in Lottery

DATELINE: HUMOR!

jelly O'SullyWe felt the draft, and it left us cold.

Celtics fans suffered an egregious seasonal loss for the lottery bonanza. Optimists are always cock-eyed, and as per usual, they couldn’t see straight. The lot of the lottery proved a ponderous loss.

The lottery night has arrived with its future writ big in the placement of “The Pick.”

As usual, the Celtic luck stinks. Fans and organization people could not make lemonade out of this lemon. The worst the Celtics could fare on their pick was eight.

They were awarded six.

The sixth man is a famous figure off the bench. And, the Celtics now will have a shot at the Sixth Man. That means the Celtics will be looking for an adjective, not a noun. And certainly they will not receive a proper noun. That goes to the ever-deserving Cleveland Cavaliers.

We suspect they will choose badly as usual.

So, the Celts may actually have a fifth pick.

Of course, knowing Danny Ainge, the Celts may have no pick. He will trade this loser slot for a tried and true player whose free agency is around the corner.

Dare we fall in Love with Kevin?

The T-Wolves are way back in the back with this year’s selection, and to them, six will look positively enchanting. They may be willing to move Kevin Love to rise to the second tier.

In the meantime, we feel that anyone who thought the Celtics would receive the first choice of the draft has not studied history.

We were surprised the Celtics tortured season did not end with greater disappointment. That may yet come.

 

Putting Suspense on Hold: Celtics Dangle For a Year

RondoBulksUpDATELINE: DEADLINE

The long Celtic National nightmare is nearly over.

The Celtics’ season started whimpering about a month ago, and now will end weeks sooner than any time in the past eight years.

Despite playing teams even or leading in the first three quarters of dozens of games, the Celtics have collapsed in the final month with their longest losing streaks.

Those who covet low draft picks are squealing with delight, though there is no guarantee that one of the top picks will bestow positive results within three years.

Sometimes picks never pan out.

The Celtics have backed the wrong horses once too often this year. They are two or three players away from winning, but they must divest themselves of the losing chips that so many fans love.

The prevailing winds seem to be in the direction of ridding the team of upward of half the players to collect a few key veterans.

The Celts may well have five starting players with designs on the Hall of Fame again in a year or two.

A season without big stars is a season Rondo would like to forget. At the height of his career, his body kept him on the shelf for much longer than expected or hoped. The season was lost when he did not return when some expected in October, or November, or December.

At the peak of his career, he found his talents squandered. Yes, it was a designer year—expected crash to set up a rebuilding in a short tenure. If not, Rondo may want to move on.

Why should Rondo want to stick around? The short answer is for the same reason Paul Pierce did not demand a trade seven years ago. There is hope leader Danny Ainge will find a way.

In the meantime, Celtics dangle from the nose of Lincoln at Mount Rushmore or from the fingertips of Lady Liberty, like a Hitchcockian thriller. Falling is not an option.

 

For Better or Worse, Life with the Celtics and Red Sox

Brady. Brown & Baseball

DATELINE: WHIMSY

On a cold day in early April, the Red Sox picked up their championship rings in a ceremony fraught with real life tragedies like fires that have killed heroic fire fighters and terror that killed Boston Marathon participants.

Across town, later, the Celtics could not pick up the pieces of a season in shambles.

Those who begged for a Celtics tanking need not have wished so hard. The damage from a lost season may sear the souls of future Celtics Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk.

The last time the Celtics won a championship, the Red Sox did too. The parallels have gone in opposite directions this past year.

Now Tom Brady and Troy Brown sit at Fenway Park to watch the season opener. A few years ago, they sat at the TD Boston Garden to watch the Celtics. The times have a-changed in some parts of town.

Brady had to be thinking that, like the Celtics, his team has not won a world championship since the glorious year that Boston had winners everywhere.

After watching the ease of winning for so many years, it is perplexing to watch the pain of losing. Did those teams back in 2007 make it look like a cakewalk? Was it harder than we realized?

The Celtics, Patriots, and Rd Sox seem to play the same game in the same way—but results are not so lucky for two out of three.

Boston fans are wed to their teams for better or worse—and now the fan vows are straining. The times are poorer, not richer, and the health of the Celtics is definitely in the sicker range.

Since 2007 the Patriots have ended up playing bridesmaids. And now the Celtics are standing in the last pew of the church, sobbing softly into their hankies.

The ring-bearers were all smiles in the Cathedral at Fenway.

 

 

Celtics Disdain Lottery Picks for Trade Chips

jelly O'Sully SUPERSTAR Jelly O’Sully

 DATELINE: HUMOR

 

Danny Ainge has spent two years collecting draft picks like a teenage girl collects Valentines.

Now he dismisses the entire concept of draft picks as overhyped.

He never had any intention of picking a new rising star. The Celtics don’t care about that—and their refusal to “tank” has proven that, much to the consternation of media insiders who don’t know anything about the Celtics strategy—even when it looks right at them.

Danny Ainge has already proved his template for success. This summer he will trade draft picks for superstars. He did it before, and he will do it again.

People seem to forget he created instant champions when he procured Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. He will be scouring the ranks of other teams and sending them draft lottery Valentines to win the best players possible.

Rebuilding with a lottery star takes years and is a crap shoot.

Winning with proven stars merely takes creating some chemistry in preseason. Danny has some experience in discerning what players will get along with what players.

He knows who wants to be in the Rondo camp—and if the cannot find stars of that proclivity, he may send Rondo packing and restock with chemically altered superstars.

Danny already has his young stars—Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger. Jelly O’Sully is the tandem that will be at the core. A year under their belts will make them the reason a championship is around the corner.

Perhaps Paul Pierce will return to give more shape to the proceedings.

Brad Stevens is now the magician and alchemist who will take what Danny gives and weave it into the gold standard of instant championship.

 

 

Celtics Don the St. Patty’s Day Short Sleeved Loser Look

DATELINE: St. Patrick’s Day Massacre

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The New Orleans Pelicans seemed to overcome the Standard Pelicants.

Of course, when you’re facing the Boston Celtics on the road this year, your motto is: “Yes, we pelican.”

Losing’s a shame because the Celtics wore that St. Patrick’s Day uniforms, authorized and enforced upon wary b-ballsmen by NBA corporate sharks.

The new look Celtics wore short-sleeve t-shirts as opposed to the usually airy tank tops that allows unshaven armpits to reach HDTV levels. Some athletes claim their armpits are stifled in the short-sleeve uniform, building up radon gas that prevents them from shooting 3-pointers.

Yet, we love the aesthetics of the new prosthetic prototype jersey. It looks like a Batman body mold in green.

Tapered and looking like the Playtex bra material gone amuck, the new jerseys appealed to us in our perversity. It hid a plethora of ugly tattoos. Indeed, we are now advocating for long-sleeved jerseys to cover up all that repugnant ink.

In some cases we may want the NBA bigwigs to authorize turtlenecks on advanced cases of Biblical quotes, drug symbols and other personal quirks running up napes of necks.

We like the look of newly minted and former Celtic Greg Stiemsma, now a Pelicant. He looked like the blond Bill Russell that Celtic legend Tom Heinsohn claimed several years ago. We didn’t like the guy with the unibrow who scored two score points.

Our own Jelly O’Sully looked resplendent in his new jersey, mainly because Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk have never seen a weight they’ve wanted to lift or a barbell they’ve wanted to press.

We love the second unit that looks like the wave of the future, Jelly O’Sully runs the floor with their little speedster hamster Phil Pressey. Sometimes it’s not hard being green.

Alas, the youthful errors of first and second year players done dood us in for now. Next year with a couple of first-round stars in the making, the team will be far more respectable with proper sleeves on their uniforms.

Rondo Hung Out to Dry

 DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

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When Yogi Berra famously stated, “It ain’t over till it’s over,” he had not met Rajon Rondo.

When it comes to Rajon, it’s never over—unless you are talking about the Boston Celtics season.

Just this day, Danny Ainge, who had put Rondo’s birthday bash to bed, woke up the story again for a reprise.

Ainge gave a radio interview in which the Celtics main man in the front office praised Rondo as if he were dead.

Yes, when you receive accolades from your boss after making a bonehead move, your days may be fewer than the hairs on Kevin Garnett’s head.

Those who like a good Shakespearean parallel might note that Danny doth protest too much, like Hamlet’s mother.

If the good is interred with your bones, Rondo will have a big Celtic send-off when he is traded at the end of the year.

Advised not to go to his birthday party with Mother, Rondo ignored his coach and the President of Basketball Operations because no good deed goes unpunished.

And no birthday goes unattended.

Ainge told Rondo that there would be cake and ale at the birthday, but there would be crow and turkey at the next press stopover.

Rondo never met a situation that required his apology, and embarrassing his new young coach certainly did not set a new precedent for sorrow.

A few others said Rondo regretted his action, and others said Rondo learned his lesson. But the horse’s mouth was closed tighter than Mr. Ed’s lips when Wilbur wasn’t around.

The Captain of the Celtics was beginning to look like Captain Dreyfuss or worse, Captain Hook.

As if to grease the Rondo skids, Jared Sullinger continues to be the media spokesperson for the team.

High Functioning Sociopath Controls Fate of Jelly O’Sully

DATELINE: HUMORImage

The rising Celtics stars were together, starting, which is more than they have done on their hometown team. Coach Brad Stevens has not started both Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger at the same time.

In the warmup bout to the NBA All-Star game, Jelly showed their flavor.

Sullinger began with a couple of three pointers that seemed to stun the crowd, and Olynyk also scored after stealing the ball. He was pickpocketed as well.

We really did not see much defense, and we were more puzzled by the player with the unibrow who seemed to receive the most cheers. Someone on the broadcast alluded to the fact that he played for the New Orleans Pelicants.

It was a hometown prejudice.

Sullinger made a few court-length passes, but by then we were already short of interest in this fake game. We had seen what we wanted, and now it was showtime according to the NBA scriptwriters.

These games are by nature faked versions of exhibition. How could we expect more? We needed to be happy that our Celtics boys, Jelly O’Sully, had made it out of town despite the Nor’Easter that blocked most airport travel.

We humbly await the day that Kelly and Jared are honest to goodness All-Stars, chosen because they won a couple of banners.

However, in the middle of the night, we awake in a sweat, fearful that Danny Ainge, a high functioning sociopath if ever we saw one in the NBA, as they call all Vice Presidents of basketball operations, could trade one or both while out on the west coast this week.

Gulp hard, fans.

Kris Humphries: Boy Wonder(s)

 DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

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When Kim Kardashian cast Kris Humphries adrift, we thought there was confirmation that she was a total idiot.

After watching Kris play basketball like a demon and horse around with his teammates, we think he’s a keeper and would never divorce him.

And, he is easier on the eyes than many others playing in this league.

Could he be the third member of the new Big Three with Jelly O’Sully, our combo of Sullinger and Olynyk?

Inquiring minds already have an answer.

There is no doubt too that Kris has more chemistry with Kelly than he ever had with Kim. She couldn’t bang into Hump with more than a bumper thumper style. When Kelly bangs his chest against Humphries, the earth seems to move.

We have found more excitement in the basketball skills of Hump and Jelly with Rondo hobbling around. After all, that new Big Three can pass the ball around to each other with more accuracy than Rondo has ever seen on a Celtics team.

For all those readers seeking beefcake photos of Michael Sam, you may be looking for love in all the wrong places.

We’re not quite over the Hump. We attach a beefcake photo.

In the meantime, Kelly Olynyk was asked about what he expected at the Rising Stars game. Like Mick Jagger, he had no expectations, but Jared Sullinger definitely had a response.

He believes that Kelly will be the game’s MVP. As for himself, Sullinger merely wants to show the NBA drafters that he is better than a 21st pick. He sports a powerful indignation.

Celtics Rising Stars See Doubles

 DATELINE: Jelly Jelling

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Doubles anyone? Make ours a double.

Jared Sullinger’s coach/father berated him recently for disrespecting the family name with his body language on the bench and his attitude during the game.

We could not envision how anyone could disrespect the name Jelly O’Sully.

Jelly O’Sully has a swagger and arrogance about him. That we have noticed. He seems older than his years—and more confident than Rajon Rondo at a fashion show for leather pants.

Jelly O’Sully is a Celtic legend in the making.

Jared eventually realized the error of his ways, and he has since apologized to his father for his errant demeanor. On the other hand, Jelly met with Kelly—and the two plan to tear up New Orleans during the Rising Stars game.

There will be no older mentor on that jet plane to the All-Star weekend—unless you count on veteran Jared telling rookie Kelly how to behave.

In the final game before the break, Kelly had his second double-double in a row. The tandem is jelling for Jelly. Soon we will have a plethora of double-doubles on a game basis.

O see! Can you see O’Sully?

Now, if only the front office could find a third to round out the next Big Three for Rondo’s delectation, though we are now finding more energy on the floor when Phil Pressey is leading the press on the opponents, giving even the San Antonio Spurs a run for the money.

Alas, we kept seeing the Bill Belichick of NBA lore on the opposite bench. The dour Greg Popovich seems to have taken his image from the equally dour Scrooge Belichick with his well-oiled machine of players.

 

Doubles All Around for Boston Celtics

DATELINE: Birth of a Celtics Nation

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Both sides of Jelly O’Sully had their first double-double.

Two double-doubles is better than a double martini shaken not stirred.

It may not be the last, but the Boston Celtics may be watching the birth of a bigger Baby than tanksters deserve.

They beat the worst team in the NBA handily when two young stars cut their teeth on the path to grow up to be real Celtics.

Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk seldom play together, as their coach apparently wants them to be individual stars, not Siamese Twin stars.

jelly O'Sully

Yet, the Celtics version of Chang and Eng may be closer to being Bird & McHale, Garnett & Pierce, or even Heinsohn & Cousy than anyone ever suspected.

Those myriad fans not watching the development of Sullinger and Olynyk will be the first to claim they saw it first way back in 2014 when the partnership results in a plethora of Banners to hang on the rafters.

Two double-doubles is sweet, especially when there is no Rondo feeding the babies their formula for success. Yes, they did it with Phil Pressey, not Rajon Rondo, as their chief little booster.

If they ever gain clout with the front office, you can count on the fact that Jelly O’Sully will insist they be spread upon the bread known as “Don’t Call Me Elvis” Pressey.

Ah, youth, for once it is not wasted on the young. Let’s hope it is not wasted on Trader Danny Ainge who may be facing a weeklong fire sale before the NBA trade deadline leaves a bunch of dead ducks in its wake.

 

Loving and Adoring Rondo

DATELINE: B-BALL LOVE LETTERS

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Leave it to Jared Sullinger to identify what side of the bread his jam is spread.

And we do not mean the side he shares with Kelly Olynyk.

Sullinger gave an interview this weekend in which he blithely announced that Rondo has returned to form—and is now the Rondo “we love and adore.”

If he whispers those words in Rondo’s ear during a candlelight dinner, he will be given the ball often enough to score 20,000 points over the next ten years.

Against the Mavericks, Rondo and Sullinger already are showing off the kind of pass and grab that we last saw between Kevin Garnett and Rondo.

Sullinger is young and vibrant, pliable in a way that makes Rondo giddy with passes. He seldom makes passes to players who are asses.

Of course, not even Rondo can save every game, and despite a double-double, Sullinger barely scored eleven points in the loss. We remain heady with the future possibilities, despite these off nights.

Tomorrow Rondo will take a night off, disdaining the back-to-back games that have proven so deadly to the Celtics since the championship season.

Yet, Sullinger will be there with his Jelly O’Sully partner. O’Sully has taken over the leadership spot with pure adrenalin and charm.

Rumors continue to swirl that a big name Celtic is on the block—and trader Danny Ainge is looking for a piece to plug into his tank brigade.

The Celtics need a third big man to go with Sullinger and Olynyk. Then Rondo will have his new Big Three—and we’ll be off to the Banner 18 sweepstakes.

 

 

Celtics Rising Stars Stick Together

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 jelly O'Sully JELLY O’SULLY

The NBA announced a wise and judicious ruling this day.

They decided not to split up Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk,  The two young Boston Celtics stars of the future were scheduled to play in the Rising Stars rookie game before the NBA all-star extravaganza.

This was a possibility that they would be assigned to different teams. Instead, the good news came forth that Jelly O’Sully would remain in tact.

Not since Solomon let that baby live as one piece instead of two halves has there been more reason for Celtics fans to celebrate their potential superstars of tomorrow.

Playing on the evening that the news came out, both young men gave stellar efforts again—despite the fact that the Celtic were without Rajon Rondo who reportedly was sore.

We are not sure if this meant he was angry with someone, or merely suffering the slings and arrows of tanking the season.

Whatever, the Celtics promptly went out and won a game without Rondo. It was their third in a row and has sent the naysayers into a tailspin. There will not be a lottery pick for the Celtics at the end of the seasonal banquet.

Like Oliver Twist, the fans want more –losses, that is.

The Celtics with their Rising Star Jelly O’Sully simply won’t conform to the loser mold.

Alone in our pride, we celebrate their spirit to play for the playoffs. They will go down swinging, but the experience will mean that Sullinger and Olynyk will be better prepared for the day that championships are real possibilities.