Butt-Slapping Reaches New Bottom

DATELINE: Hard Knocks?

 Culprit caught red-handed.

You know society has hit rock bottom when pro athletes now are being tossed out of games—and arrested—for going for the formerly acceptable cheeky assault.

We cannot recall when butt-touching went public in our sports arenas. It must be a carry-over from hauling ass around the gym. Once upon a time, it was considered a means of expressing male “affection.”

We are unsure if we have ever seen this activity in a gay bar, but we believe that it will now be forbidden even in the inner sanctums. Queer as Folk avoided such behaviors. But, Downton Abbey’syoung butler may be guilty.

A pinch on the cheek used to be quite continental, but continence has reached a new plateau when it comes to below the belt buckles with knuckles.

OBJ recently slapped the butt of a mall cop, or pardon us, arena security after a college game. It was the locker room and one can almost explain how these things become viral.

The alleged hard-ass cop took umbrage and wanted to sock OBJ, but held his piece instead. New Orleans used to be a place when Fat Tuesday meant any buttock passing was slugged. No more!

Now, former Celtic Jae Crowder was innocently standing at the free throw line, ready to cut loose when Tristan Thompson, apparently without Iseulte by his side, added insult to injury by shocking Crowder with a tap on the buttocks.

You’d think he’d been given an injection of penetrating flu vaccine. Crowdah jumped like he fell into a bowl of hot chowdah.

Tristan Thompson claimed it was a means of bonding between former teammates. Heavens, high fives and man hugs, all now chaste and robotic, are the new currency. No one is paying for their erogenous zone to be invaded, and short of a porno film, we don’t expect to see this impact on our cable television when we are not on the LOGO network.

We remember when a crime was committed if your fist hit the tip of another’s nose. Now, the blow is lower than the standard for congressional oversight.

We believe the five-second rule should be enforced. If your food falls on the floor, you can still eat it within five seconds of being retrieved from any dirty crevice.

We hold that a slap on the butt that does not linger or return for second helpings should be excused with heart-feltmea culpa.

Slapping a bun of steel of your pro athlete of choice may be injurious to your digits. And spare us a fist pump.

Humorist Finds No Jokes in New Celtics Season

Featured imageDon’t We Wish?

Celtics may want to try free throws from the opposite end of the court.

Trying to in-bound a ball with milliseconds left in the game, Jae Crowder tossed up a court length pass. It had the unfortunate fate of actually going through the net.

If Crowder were in one of those half-time contests, he might have won a car or some chain link fence. Alas, during a game, such a titanic achievement merely resulted in a turnover—and hardly the apple turnover of his coach’s eye.

On the sidelines, Brad Stevens seemed to be stifling a chuckle. That is if he were holding in a whimper.

Yes, indeed, the promising Celtics season of 2015 has gotten off with a bang all right: it’s like an explosion in the engine room. One wag of a Boston writer said the early defeats were a wake up call. Well, you should be awake in the first week of the season, or are we hopeless and cockeyed optimists?

Crowder, one of the bright lights of last season, now is a starter with a new contract. It seems to have worked wonders—he is now sleepwalking through his success.

We had given these new Celtics a week or two to rekindle our waning embers. It’s cold in here, Mr. Scrooge, and Danny Ainge Scrooge has not provided us with any superstar to spark the team. We never saw a big trade this summer, and we see not much now.

We may abandon this ship before the rats this year. We see a potential laughingstock, but few precious laughs.