Patriots Hit by Flu & Zombie Apocalypse

 DATELINE: End of an Era?

 Patriot Apocalypse!

Football fans of the New England Patriots have asked what’s going on!  Is it the zombie apocalypse? We have bad news beyond two feet of snow burying us.

After seeing Zachary Quinto discuss the fall of civilization and the end of empires on In Search of,  has it come to the Patriots like the Rapa Nui and Mayans?

We can only add two cents, after ten books of blogs on the Patriots. No, it is not the apocalypse. It is more like the inevitable enemy of mankind:  a bad case of the flu.

No expert dared to cite that nearly half of the team came down with the flu this week. The miracles of IV drips and antibiotics, and the prodding of Captain Bligh Belichick, made no man look at illness as an excuse.

There were two planes: one for the lepers who needed to avoid being cast out and cast off at 37,000 feet without a parachute. We can only imagine the Belichick cure-all.

We now have a view of the bleak future: based on the fact that on top of the plague, the Patriots have sent every decent receiver reeling out of Foxboro in a uniform of tar and feathers, with better contracts elsewhere.

Tom Brady is adrift and out to sea like the victim of an iceberg hitting the unsinkable Patriots. There was no room in the lifeboat for such a thing as Tom’s receiving corps.

Like the band on Titanic, the team played on while sinking with the franchise.

Can the Patriots recover? Not this year, and maybe not for another decade. This loss will hasten Tom’s departure to another team next year: one that will give him joy of playing for the few years he has left in this world of football.

As for the Patriots, the zombie apocalypse may be settling in at Foxboro. Remember the good old days when the Pats stunk up a storm? NO? Well, history is about to show you what it was like back before six Super Bowls, Brady & Belichick. Return with us now for the Keystone Kops aka Patriots.

It happened to the New York Yankees of the 1950s & 1960s, and now it is the Patriot turn of events.

Pats Airing It Out in Denver

DATELINE:  High Winds

 

As we live and breathe, the air in Denver has its own pressure. In some circles, it is expected that Peyton Manning has been sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber in the mode of Michael Jackson.

It rejuvenates and instills deflated quarterbacks into their former selves.

We recall the days when players proudly sat on the visitors’ bench in Denver and sucked air out of a tank.

Nowadays, any mention of oxygen and air pressure sends grown men into an air pocket of protection. Players do not want to be seen with a tank unless it is a Patton model.

With game temperature expected to be above freezing, the air will not be one psi less than expected. And, Manning is expected to be thawed out enough to pass, but not pass out, during the first half.

Airwaves used to be a big deal in sports broadcasting, but we have been under heavy-duty cables for some time now.

Whatever hot air Bill Belichick disparages in his press conferences, as he did this week in regard to Bulletin Board Broncos, the Great Hoodie has a team playing on one lung if we are to believe his questionable list of players for the big game.

Yes, Belichick lists nearly an entire starting lineup as likely out: eleven players are dubious to play. These include Gronk, Amendola, Edelman, Collins, Ninkovich, Jones, Vollmer, Slater, McCourty, Chung, and Brady.

Yes, that is hot air for sure. You could blow us over with Tom Brady’s special implanted hot air hair dryer. We feel like HAL the computer has shut the air lock and left us in the vacuum of airless space.

Funny Stuff Detected for a Price

 Dumb Americaprimordialsoup

We always knew the U.S. government had no sense of humor, and now it is confirmed.

Just in case you think we are funny, we are providing a link to the serious articles on this stuff.

Your tax dollars will buy sarcasm-detecting software to help the Secret Service and Homeland Security find out if you really mean it when you say you own a drone.

How much a humor detector will cost may prohibit everyday citizens keeping one on their laptop. The price of joking has skyrocketed since Guantanamo opened the stand-up comic section.

Making someone laugh may now become the purview of only the rich among us. We have known for a long time that Ph.D.s have no funny bone.

Humor is a tricky art at best, and now we discover the people who can put you in jail have discovered they have no sense of humor. Thank heavens for that.

Sarcasm is the last refuge of scoundrels and humorists. So, there is no way of knowing if the Secret Service will be able to tell folly, irony, and whimsy, from the usual gamut of funny one-liners.

Perhaps we can cite this as progress in an age when humor about movies and sports can get you thrown out of a game and shunned by Netflix.

Political humor is the worst offender, mainly because your loyal opposition laughs as you are carted away in cuffs.

Of course, all this expense will limit humor-detection to the Internet. You may still be able to win a smile, cause a chuckle, simply by working street-corners with jokes.

Laughing Cavalier

Hals’ Laughing Cavalier

Secret Service wants a meter to detect how funny you are being in that tweet. It will be similar to the old applause meter your grandmother saw on Queen for a Day. If they aren’t laughing, you will be read your Miranda Rights.