Missing Time, But Never Missing Ancient Aliens

DATELINE: TV MASHUP

 hair

Hey, Porcupine!

The History Channel runs their ever-popular Ancient Aliens series as a marathon at least once or twice per week. With its usual batch of crypto-experts, including the guy with the electrically shocked hairdo, we have come to listen to their endless expertise on any and all mythologies under the sun–or beyond it.

Of course, we don’t know how much expertise these guys truly have, or what degrees they hold, if any. Nonetheless, they now speak to us with authority on the unsolved mysteries of the universe.

They haven’t ridden in flying saucers that they admit to, but know someone who has.

It all started with the granddaddy of crypto-UFOlogists, Erick Van Daniken. We read his stuff back in the hippie days—and many things have passed since. He is as topical as ever. In fact, he may be completely mainstream now. We know those creatures exist, visited Earth, and the government has covered everything up–from the Nazca Lines to Roswell.

Well, Ancient Aliens has a new batch of episodes, and we couldn’t miss it—though we wish we had missing time on this week’s show.

The series is at the bottom of the barrel, contending that aliens were influential on the American Civil War. As protectors of the great Republic, they were sending messages to Abe Lincoln and trying to save the Union. Following the premiere came Hangar 1, season two, that suggested UFOs have fought against the United States in Korea and Vietnam.

These space gods can be fickle. Either they’re for us or against us. It depends on the war. We wish they’d get their act together.

If you think Ancient Aliens may have crossed wires with ghost hunters, you’d be with us on this one. When they noted that writer Ambrose Bierce suffered a head wound during the war and that’s what made him a great writer, we knew where this was headed. All great writers have their inspired stories coming from UFO visitors. Our blog is a direct result of alien abductions.

In 1913 Bierce went missing—apparently joining aliens in the great beyond, in the Mexican desert. Lucky guy.

It all ties together—different dimensions, UFOs, spirit worlds, string theory, and lost time. It’s just that they seem to be stretching credulity beyond the big bang they get for the buck.

We just wish those aliens would take us away.

Crypto-History & UFOs Stop at Hangar 1

DATELINE: Taken By Our Leaders

 ImageKlaatu & Gort

From Area 51 to Hangar 17, there have been myriad UFO series on networks that once seemed to deal with history, like cable channels National Geographic, Discovery, and History 2.

From prehistory to unwritten history, we have evolved now into crypto-history where the history of conspiracies dominates. As one series host tells us, this is the stuff they never taught in school.

The latest is Hangar 1: The UFO Files, taken from a delapidated, old airport hangar turned library archive under the control of MUFON, the Mutual UFO Network. Yet, these are not your crackpot depictions, but come across as yellow journalism at its most fulvous yellow.

Hangar 1 provides a new batch of old reports. One of the first episodes featured the role of U.S. Presidents in the coverup and protection of the American people. President Dwight Einsenhower, it is contended, met with aliens at Edwards Air Force Base in 1954 and made a deal with them to allow the spaceshots freedom to research and abduct Americans in exchange for some technology.

Why did we never hear of this? When we asked friends, apparently everyone knew this, but us. We are always the last to know.

Subsequent shows examined underground and underlake alien creature bases, including Area 51 where Bob Lazar told us thirty years ago about things now that have come to pass. He is discredited and lost in history, but his predictions and insights about Element 115 have come true.

Shows explain the crashes at Kecksburg, PA, and Aurora, TX, but we were most surprised by the crash in Missouri in 1941. Yeah, even we knew the space aliens were working with Nazis in 1936. So much for advanced intelligence.

We have to say we love Hangar 1, but want to keep our distance lest the conspiracy theory engulf us to the point of visits and death threats from Men in Black.

Of course, the most disturbing feature of the series is the commercials that are dominated by ads for those suffering from erectile dysfunction. Now that is truly scary.