The President Rings Twice, and the Patriots Answer

DATELINE:  Ring-a-Ding Trump

off off-season   Mr. Kraft to you bradys-friend

Having eschewed humorous sports reports on Boston travesties lately, we are forced into a return to the topic one more time.

For this, you can thank Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and close friend of President Donald Trump.

In April, one of the first big sports events of the Trump era was the visit of the Super Bowl champs of 2017 to the White House. This fiasco was decorated with many missing members of the team who protested the new President. One can only wonder how many of the black players might find their lives hardly mattering after the incidents of KKK and neo-Nazis in Charlottesville or Charlotte’s Web.

They might feel some blame for the violence, making their livings through one of the most concussed and violent games around.

However, we beat a dead horse when today’s news is not fake enough for the alt-right. Yes, Robert Kraft has bestowed one of his $36,000 diamond-studded Super Bowl rings on Mr. Trump.

Usually the President receives a jersey with Tom Brady’s partial number, 1, on it, if it is recovered from international thieves.

However, this year, the man who often breaks bread with Trump and flies on Air Force One often, decided to break precedent and give the President one of those prized rings.

Reportedly, Kraft wanted Trump to have something to put into his presidential library when his term is up, sooner than later, with not much to show for it so far.

Kraft also gave a ring to Tom Brady’s mother for her valiant battle against cancer, which felled Kraft’s wife several years ago. It was Trump’s condolences back then that sealed his friendship with the billionaire NFL owner.

 

 The White House is not talking about when the ring was made or bestowed. And, the Patriots have only made a sly announcement this week in the midst of the pre-season after a tumultuous off off-season.

You can read all about it in Ossurworld’s notorious book, The Patriots Most Off Off-Season Ever, perhaps the last in the Patriots series of hilarious, if not nasty, accounts of their dynastic years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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MacBird Outdid Trump as Caesar 45 years ago

 Julius Trump?

DATELINE:  Shakespeare in Absentia

We have seen many updated versions of Shakespeare over the years. Indeed, we enjoy seeing the Bard transported to new locations and timeframes. It often electrifies the message that has become stale to modern audiences.

We have seen Shakespeare set in Nazi Germany (Richard III), in the world of bikers (Coriolanus), in the world of independent film students (Hamlet), a corporate boardroom (Othello), and now we find a stage production of Julius Caesar in American politics.

The Shakespeare in the Park production makes Caesar a lookalike Donald Trump who hath grown ambitious. He has that chock of blond hair weave and an overlong red tie. He also has a bloated ego.

The man who would be emperor is assassinated by senators with knives, just like 2000 years ago. How much progress we have made in politics?

This version has created a firestorm, causing corporate sponsors to try to stifle artistic expression by withdrawing support. It’s a tempest in a teapot.

We think back to the Vietnam War days—and back then we must have been less sensitive because Macbeth was presented on stage in the form of MacBird.

That little ditty suggested that Lyndon Johnson had been behind the assassination of John Kennedy. In this cruel satire, without the Shakespearean tongue, the Scottish thane Macbird and his wife, Lady Bird, are party to a ruthless series of killings to rise to the top of the nation. Was Lyndon not born of woman?

We recall amusement about seeing a dumb tasteless play that presented President Johnson portrayed for conspiracy theorists  as Macbeth, but it did not quite engender the furor that President Trump has exemplified in a Caesar mode.

Satirizing politics of the moment has become a dangerous business. Just ask Alec Baldwin or Kathy Griffin who claim they are subject to social anger on social media.

So, too, Julius Caesar has created a debate—not about politics, but about art. To be or not, we’ll wait for the movie version.

Twin Peaks, Trump Plains, & Celtics Lows

DATELINE:  LeBron James as Laura Palmer, Trump as D.B. Cooper

glowing orb

Chicken or egg? We can’t figure out if the Trump Administration has prepared us for the new series Twin Peaks, or whether Twin Peaks has prepared us for the continuing weirdness of the Trump presidency.

When we see President Trump putting his hands on a glowing orb, we know there is a conspiracy of billionaires to control the world. Of course, it is merely a futuristic ribbon-cutting scene from the most recent Star Wars movie. Either that, or it is opening a gateway to an alternate universe, like the plots of Twin Peaks.

By the same token, we feel as if watching the Cleveland Cavaliers with the Boston Celtics is like knitting by Madame Defarge while royalty is having their heads chopped off.

On Twin Peaks, agent DB Cooper has returned to the northwest after disappearing for 25 years. That David Lynch has such a sense of humor.  So far, McLachlan has not rubbed any glowing orbs, but has kissed dead Laura Palmer (Cheryl Lee).

On the Celtics, little Cousin IT (Isaiah Thomas) and AB (Avery Bradley) are from the same neck of the woods in Washington state which happens to be the setting for Twin Peaks. It could explain a lot about how the Celtics are playing like Laura Palmer’s body wrapped in plastic.

Even stranger, we were amazed to see Kyle McLachlan and Sheryl Lee looking just like they stepped out of a 1990s TV show.  It becomes even more amazing when David Lynch has to inject a phrase at the end of every episode of the show that the episode is dedicated to the memory of one of the cast members who is now dead. We mean really really dead dead, like the log lady Catherine Coulson and the FBI agent played by Miguel Ferrer.

As for the dead Celtics, they are merely playing in an alternate universe, sort of like Twin Peaks 25 years later. If there is a glowing orb in the NBA, they better start rubbing it now. Lebron is no Laura Palmer.

Tom Brady & Trump Face Inflategate

DATELINE:  More Fake News or Inflate-gate 

 Trumped

Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, has just hammered the quarterback with the Madden curse. If you don’t have enemies, your wife may be just as good as a substitute.

Maybe bachelorette Julian Edelman knows something he should have explained to Tom.

With supermodel Giselle’s announcement of Tom’s unreported and secret concussions over the years, she has made more trouble for him than actual concussions.

There’s nothing worse than a latent headache. You can bet the NFL will now subpoena Brady and hire a special researcher.

Before the new 2017 season begins, Tom will be under investigation for covering up medical injuries. Will we learn that he has a private Russian doctor recommended by President Trump? Has the FBI enough agents to send a few to locate Tom Brady’s secret medical file?

Since Roger Goodell has seen the light of brain disease associated with football, he now has more reason than ever to stop Tom Brady’s career dead in its tracks. There’s nothing more exciting for Goodell than to beat a dead horse. His favorite derby nag is Tom Brady.

We are now convinced that Tom Brady’s showboating by smashing a mirror and walking under a ladder were signs of concussive behavior. He had brain lock.

If this is not the same as a Madden Curse, this scandal will do until a good one comes along.

Tom and his representatives are not issuing a statement. The Patriots are not issuing a statement. Bill Belichick is not issuing a statement.

Tom’s only comments today: he wished LeBron James and Isaiah Thomas good luck in their playoff extravaganza. It was Big Papi sitting courtside, not Tom Brady. Tom will have another day in court.

Tom will have to hide from the press about as much as former FBI Director James Comey. Questions abound and rebound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concussion-gate Rivals Trump-gate

DATELINE: Move Over, Watergate and Deflategate

 duke & duchess of Foxboro

Not tonight, dear. He has a headache.

Like his friend Donald Trump, Tom Brady has a big headache.

No, it isn’t James Comey. It’s Tom’s wife, Giselle Bundchen. The superstar model gave an interview in which she announced Tom had a concussion this past season on the road to the Super Bowl.

In fact, she said he had many concussions over the years. Uh-oh.

This was news to the NFL and Roger Goodell as well as the Players Union. There are rules about medical reports and who can play if he is concussed.

Goodell never ducks an issue like concussions, and now Giselle has given him another shot at Tom’s head.

You know there is trouble when the doctor who was played by Will Smith and blew the whistle on concussions in the NFL has called Giselle heroic.

Tom may have another word for her.  We may now see who wears the pants on the runway at Tom’s house.

Trump could fire Comey, but Tom may be up the creek with Giselle and her half-billion-dollar bank account. The Patriots are staying mum on Tom’s children’s mum, but we know that Jose Baez will be the first to offer his services if Concussion-gate gets messy.

We think Julian Edelman may have to recuse himself, and we aren’t sure if Bill Belichick will be subpoenaed to appear before Congress.

The Patriots may need to ask for a second opinion before the man with the Fountain of Youth admits he has feet of clay.

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

White House Fiasco for Patriots

34 missing

34 Missing Patriots Shamed Team, Country, & Themselves

Pats owner Bob Kraft announced that he gave $1million to the Trump election committee before he showed up to the White House for a celebration with President Donald Trump.

Kraft will not miss a White House Rose Garden meeting in order to receive his money’s worth out of the Trump connection.

On the other hand, Tom Brady was not there. Yep, Tom is now citing personal reasons for bailing on a second presidential visit. He hopes, in a text message, to be at a future celebration. He really does expect to play until he is 50.

The stumble-bum contingent who have skipped spending an hour with President Trump just received cover from friendly fire from Tom. The shameful 34 are in his debt.

On top of avoiding a political firestorm, Tom avoided answering questions about his friendship with the late Aaron Hernandez who came to the end of his rope earlier in the day. The Patriots made no one available to the media who knew Hernandez.

We have assiduously avoided discussing the Patriot White House visit, but let’s face it: this may be the biggest watershed moment for the team in the Belichick years.

Believe it or don’t—Brady sent out hints that he was staying home with his parents on their wedding anniversary. Hunh?

However, the truth may be far more distressing: Brady chose not to go upon learning that Aaron Hernandez, a one-time California training partner, had committed suicide—and left a note to his gay prison lover (assiduously avoided topic in Boston’s sports media).

Tom dodged a subpoena with as much grace as he dodged any mention of his name in conjunction with Hernandez. The prosecutors did not want to touch the gay angle—nor the Brady angle to the murder story. If Coach Belichick could offer insights into Hernandez’s character, Brady could have offered much more.

So, President Trump hosted on the South Lawn a depleted Patriot squad. Criticism of the missing Patriots (numbering 34) made it the worst attended championship function ever hosted by a United States president in terms of personnel percentage.

When the New York Times raised the issue, the Patriots swung back with a hard tackle and insisted 40 members of the office entourage chose to remain in the audience rather than take a picture on the steps behind Mr. Trump. Hunh? That’s a most peculiar choice considering in 2015 everyone chose to be in the presidential photo.

The Times had to apologize for their story, though we cannot fathom why.

Jimmy G was the main QB featured over the right shoulder of Mr. Trump, and Julie E. was on the left shoulder, presumably in the spot where Brady would have stood. Jacoby Brissett was there, but released a letter to former President Obama almost immediately, asking for an audience with him.

Gronk was there, and interrupted an international press briefing in a strange move. Amendola was called out by the President for his contributions to the team. This error was made because Trump mentioned no one who skipped the ceremony (including Tom). Someone didn’t tell him that Amendola was at a funeral out of town.

Trump rightly praised often overlooked Patriots, but praised no one who was on the bubble with the team (like Malcolm Butler or missing James White).

All in all, it was a sour celebratory visit, though Mr. Kraft and Mr. Belichick smiled with half-hearted pleasure. The ghost of Hernandez and the ghost of political hatred marred the event.

For Pats fans, the less said, the better.

 

 

 

 

Patriots Day (Trump Style)

 

DATELINE:  To the Victors

real champs

Sports reporters, the biggest purveyors of fake news, are going into overdrive to spew their hate for Donald Trump.

President Trump has invited the Patriots of New England to the White House on Patriots’ Day.

For those in other parts of the country, Boston has a holiday no one else shares. It’s called Patriots’ Day, which celebrates, not the Boston Marathon which is held on that day, but to celebrate the battle of Lexington and Concord, Paul Revere’s ride, and the founding of a great nation.

Now the media is firing a shot heard round the world. They are coming up with some fake news to end all fake news.

The media is now insisting that a Patriots visit to the White House is going to undermine the complete success of the New England champs.

According to the liberal media, you will see a divide among the players in the locker room. According to these lowly paid, bumbling media experts, Bill Belichick’s team is on the verge of imploding over a visit to the White House.

Media members who have nothing in common with millionaire athletes they cover in the NFL, will now try to bond with political allies over politics to disparage the Patriots.

Normally athletes despise the media over their fake stories. Lowly paid and having low self-esteem, sports media will hobnob with their rich friends from the playing field (like small D democrats).

We will now have a daily roll-call of those who are refusing to attend Bob Kraft’s special party. The media will try to drive a wedge between players.

We are talking about the same people who hammer Tom Brady daily as being a cheater. They will now add the Tom Brady’s friends in high places put crimes against him, like Mexican thieves taking Tom’s jerseys, as part of a White House ploy to gain political favor.

Already some players have said they will not attend a White House function. These include players like Martellus Bennett and Chris Long who have already jumped ship, proving they were never real Patriots to begin with. Good riddance.

Put three lanterns in North Church’s steeple, the fake news is coming! The fake news is coming!

 

Shirts Off Tom Brady’s Back

parade-6 T

DATELINE:  Shirtless in Houston

The louse who took time Brady’s blouse has been caught.  The Mounties get their man, and so apparently do the FBI. It appears that the thief is from below the border with real journalist credentials.

Hats off to the guys who found the shirts off Tom.

What’s worse, he seems to be a serial jersey swiper. FBI reportedly found the missing game jersey Tom wore in 2015 with its 2017 counterpart.

In an age when the FBI is investigating Russian ties to President Trump and Russian hacking of the recent presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton, Hoover’s minions have found time to solve the biggest sports mystery of the century.

It also and apparently pays to have friends in high places. This could be the biggest triumph of the Trump administration so far. It’s been a month since somebody put their mitts on Tom Brady’s half $1 million blouse—and we have answers before we have evidence that Obama bugged Trump. (Well, he bugs Trump every day.)

Brady’s stolen jersey is a victim of international intrigue. We aren’t sure whether to blame Goldfinger or Jason Bourne. It used to be that you had Interpol going after international jewel thieves, but today the James Bond mentality lives among our local law-enforcement.

The FBI has found Tom’s jersey on “foreign soil. ” No doubt, it was soiled too.

Our first suspicions went to the culprit of Bob Kraft Super Bowl ring, which was taken by Vladimir Putin in Russia several years ago. Now suspicion falls again on the Kremlin, or their minions. Did the Russian mob pull a bag job? Did they farm the crime out to the Mexican drug cartel?

We suspect Trump will say we need a wall more than ever, not to keep aliens out but to keep Tom Brady’s equipment in.

That two Brady blouses were discovered means that we have an organized and serial criminal operation that loots the bounty from the sacred locker rooms of America. This is worse than terror; it is sacrilege.

We expect to see President Trump holding the recovered blouse and handing it to Brady at a press conference soon. Right now Trump needs all the positive publicity he can find.

The Man Who Came to Trump’s Dinner

DATELINE: Mr. X Dines with Trump & Kraft

mystery-guest

A mystery dinner guest has confounded the sports world.

President Donald Trump and his wife Melania hosted Japan’s Prime Minister and his wife. Also along for the dim sum is Patriots’ billionaire Robert Kraft.

Mr. Kraft’s date for the night is an unknown, burly man, presumed by most to be another member of the billionaire’s club.

The New York Times and even the New York Post were in the dark as to the man who came to dinner. In an effort to keep up the spirit of fake news, we believe we can offer some suggestions.

The highest authority informs us that it is not Tom Brady because Melania and Tom’s wife Giselle Bundchen will not stand for the same Polaroid.

We know too that the mystery man is not Martellus Bennett, LaGarrette Blount, or Devin McCourty who refuse to be in the same picture with President Trump.

We have ruled out any of the federal Circuit Court judges whose stupidity is well-known to President Trump.

It is possible this guest is the man supposed to pick up the dinner tab. However, sources are indicating that this unknown man is Donald Trump’s Official Food Taster.

This is a position that serves both in the National Security and in the Kitchen Cabinet. We have heard that he is not yet confirmed by the Senate, but he is on the job—eating up a storm before the President does.

Disinvitations Accepted by NE Patriots

 DATELINE:  Hell, No, Don’t Go!

Hynkel's Dance Partner 

We certainly have to admire the chutzpah of the New England Patriots.

After attending the largest New England rally for Donald Trump on Tuesday after the Super Bowl, a growing list of Pats are refusing to visit the White House. Hightower, Blount, White, Long, and McCourty, have set the bar of first refusal.

We find this all rather amusing. Tom Brady did not set the precedent when he refused to go to the White House to meet Barack Obama, but it has caught on.

As one who always declines invitations to go anywhere, especially the White House, we know the value of a pre-emptive strike. Your best plan is to decline any invitation you think you may receive in a long-shot.

Trump may only invite a half-dozen friends from New England over for a Rose Garden moment. That would be chummy.

It is always nice to be asked to a party, even if you have no intention of going.

However, when last we looked, the New England Patriots have not, as a team, been invited to go to the White House.

We recall when a historical moment at the White House had some intrinsic value, but that may be way before any of the current crop of players were born. You actually felt the invitation came from the nation as a whole, represented by the president as an individual.

Symbolic or emblematic value seems to have gone the way of Pat Patriot, the long ago image of the Patriots. He’s been replaced by the Flying Elvis symbol of the Kraft family.

We hope that Mr. Trump does not invite the new-fangled Pats to the White House, but instead tells them to take a flying Elvis off the nearest NFL stadium.

Boston Holds Massive Trump Rally

DATELINE:   Not an Anti-Trump Protester Seen

 parade-6

A million New Englanders came out in deplorable weather to cheer on the Patriots during the Victory Parade.

There was no evidence of an anti-Trump backlash among fans, despite the claims of wayward Clinton supporters in the weeks before the Super Bowl.

Gronk, of course, stripped down to the waist and rode through the streets of Boston. If Paul Revere had done this, there would have been three lanterns in the church steeple.

Fans did not wait to see the whites of Roger Goodell’s eyes before firing. The subtle and not-so-subtle shots at the NFL commissioner were omnipresent—from Tom’s “Roger That” T-shirt on his duck boat, showing a fifth ring on the middle finger.

Gronk later led the raspberry cheers against Goodell in a Providence, Rhode Island, party.

The victory in Houston, in its miraculous and stunning movie end script, has emboldened Patriots and fans to call for the firing of Goodell.

A few diehards now speculate that Tom’s stolen game jersey was taken at the orders of Goodell.  Roger, that.

In related news, there is now a movement to start the quest for #6 in the Lombardi series. Belichick led the clarion call at Boston City Hall by exclaiming, “No Days Off!” in his best coaching style.

The catch-phrase “One more,” has indeed caught on. Gronk told fans he wanted to be there for another championship. At this point, all those free agents may want to take a home field discount to stay in New England.

Usually teams lose one-third of their players from champion year to the next. They also lose the flavor that brought them to the Super Bowl. It may be interesting to see how this plays out.

As Gronk said, they gave Matt Ryan the gift of “Trey Flowers.”  Yes, they said it with Flowers.

One wag from the Clinton camp tweeted how confused he was by the rolling rally, “Is the Queen of Narnia visiting?”

And the Survey Says: Pats Fans in NE Are Loyal

DATELINE:  Patriot Traitors Outside of Boston

feud

Those haters of Tom Brady don’t need much provocation to pound him into the ground like some defensive tackle.

They’ve been jumping on Brady’s ties to President Donald Trump from the onset. These are the fair-weather Patriots, also known in history as the Sunshine Patriots. These scalawags were called Tories in New England in 1776.

Now we are engaged in a great game of Family Feud.  Various media outlets are now conducting surveys of the fan base for the Pats. We see  Tom, Robert Kraft, Jonathan Kraft, and Bill Belichick, are on the panel—and one of the myriad hosts of the Feud show is asking them to guess what the fans think of them and Trump.

In liberal Massachusetts, home of John Kerry and Mike Dukakis, fans are allegedly rabid over the Trump ties. Only a few towns in the hinterlands of the Commonwealth went by voter majority for the new President.

In the hoity-toity bedroom communities of academics and women of paranoid stripe, they are burning Tom Brady in effigy much like they used to burn their bras.

We believe these are the same women who advocate that men be relegated to the doghouse permanently.

However, the survey said nearly half of all fans put politics aside and claimed the political preference of players, coaches, and owners, did not change their feelings about the team or Tom.

Only a fifth said it had a negative impact on their feelings. We suspect these are the same fifth of the populace that resent losing control of the television to NFL games several hours per week.

We think another survey will prove that this same percentage will not allow their sons to play football at all. There are crackpots everywhere, but wealthy, suburban Boston is not New England by any stretch.

Trump Takes Call from Tom Brady

 DATELINE: Inaugural & Super Bowl LI

Trumped

At the pre-Inauguration Dinner for billionaire friends of the new President of the United States, there sat a man who should be in the Cabinet with 9 other billionaires.

We refer to Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots.

He was not overlooked by the new Prez who heaped praise on the Patriots during his post-dinner speech.

He wished luck to the man with the great quarterback, great coach, and fairly much claimed it was a lock to go to the Super Bowl. It’s the kind of stuff that makes American great again, if you agree with Mr. Trump.

President Trump was not done by any means. He singled out Coach Swami Belichick for his work ethic—and pointed out that it was that style of work that led to the victory for Trump.

In days of yore, if the President took time out of his busy schedule to talk to you on the phone, it was a big deal. Today, if Tom Brady takes time to pick up that smartphone and call, the President-Elect is thrilled.

He also noted to the agreeable crowd that Tom Brady had called him earlier in the day—apparently after practice where his game face has made him a grumbling meanie.

Tom told the new President that he was good to go. Alas, Tom cannot attend the Inauguration—but we will not be surprised if the President attends Super Bowl LI and sits in the celebrity apprentice box to root on his friends on the Patriots.

 

 

 

 

Fake News Attacks Patriots

DATELINE: Baloney

Trumped

Fake news has now moved into the sphere of sports in Boston.

A half-baked article has just appeared by some writer named Charlotte Wilder of Lincoln, Massachusetts, (a hoity-toity rich town) calling the New England Patriots a team that has a “Trump problem.”

It isn’t true, but trolls have to spread their venom.

In the old days we’d call this baloney. Today it is simply liberal conspiracy and fake news.

This writer cites one or two people who complain they are completely disillusioned with Tommy Brady and Bill Belichick.  Talk about making a generalization on a small sample size!

These people claim they will never buy merchandise from the Patriots ever again, and they will not watch a game with their families henceforth.

Most of these quoted isolated cases of Liberals are fickled types who gave dedicated support to Hillary Clinton.  However, if you look at real Patriot fans, none of them were really dedicated Clinton supporters; perhaps they are not even dedicated Trump supporters.

The nature of sports is an escape from political fake news and daily life in Massachusetts.

It’s entirely possible that the vast majority of Patriot fans still love Brady. They still regard Belichick as a sports genius and don’t even mind Mr. Kraft visiting Trump at Trump Towers.

For most fans politics is a game of  hypocrisy.

There’s no doubt in far-out Massachusetts many Clinton supporters are now blackballing Trump supporters. We’ve heard of cases of people refusing to talk to family members who voted for Trump. We know of “friends” who have disparaged their friends who voted for the wrong candidate.

We point out that the people who claim Trump is full of hate are the ones who are showing hate to Trump voters.

When you read about how the Patriots and Brady have alienated Patriot fans, you can relegate this to the fake sports news category.

There is no refuge from political scoundrels.