Concussion-gate Rivals Trump-gate

DATELINE: Move Over, Watergate and Deflategate

 duke & duchess of Foxboro

Not tonight, dear. He has a headache.

Like his friend Donald Trump, Tom Brady has a big headache.

No, it isn’t James Comey. It’s Tom’s wife, Giselle Bundchen. The superstar model gave an interview in which she announced Tom had a concussion this past season on the road to the Super Bowl.

In fact, she said he had many concussions over the years. Uh-oh.

This was news to the NFL and Roger Goodell as well as the Players Union. There are rules about medical reports and who can play if he is concussed.

Goodell never ducks an issue like concussions, and now Giselle has given him another shot at Tom’s head.

You know there is trouble when the doctor who was played by Will Smith and blew the whistle on concussions in the NFL has called Giselle heroic.

Tom may have another word for her.  We may now see who wears the pants on the runway at Tom’s house.

Trump could fire Comey, but Tom may be up the creek with Giselle and her half-billion-dollar bank account. The Patriots are staying mum on Tom’s children’s mum, but we know that Jose Baez will be the first to offer his services if Concussion-gate gets messy.

We think Julian Edelman may have to recuse himself, and we aren’t sure if Bill Belichick will be subpoenaed to appear before Congress.

The Patriots may need to ask for a second opinion before the man with the Fountain of Youth admits he has feet of clay.

 

Brady Needs More SCOTUS than Scrotum

DATELINE:  Deflategate is Almost Round the Bend

ultimate bag job

It’s the bottom of the ninth. The Patriots are down by a big one, and there is only one strike left on Tom Brady. Will he swing and miss? Or as he has done all his career, will Tom hit the home run to win the season?

Tom has plenty of money in the bank, but unfortunately he has nothing in the 2nd Circuit Court en banc.

The Jet loving jurists decided to issue a one sentence denial to Tom Brady and his union. They love Goodell all the more than those pesky New England Patriots and Tom Terrific. Play he must not for four games, at this point.

Tom has said, “Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Death,” or was that Tom Paine?  Tom has said, “I regret I have only one life to give to my team,” or was that Nathan Hale?

Tom’s pain may be Donald Trump who insists that Ruth Bader Ginsburg should retire. Right now she is what stands between Tom Brady and another Super Bowl.

Someone ought to alert Donald to the fact that Ruth of the SCOTUS may be able to stay the NFL’s suspension—and breathe new life into Brady. He only needs to be pumped up with some refreshing air pressure. No one doubts Tom has a scrotum of major proportions, but he may be sacked anyhow.

Tom may have used up one of his cat lives last week when he went down to the Hamptons to try to retrieve Kevin Durant for the Celtics. That nearly went as badly as having an entire court of appeals say no.

Contrary to Reports, Roger Goodell Lives!

 DATELINE: HAPPY VALLEY NFL

doomsday twilight zone

Reports of Roger Goodell’s death are greatly exaggerated.

However, he has been brain dead for some time. Fans who checked his tomb found it empty. A member of his staff claimed, “He is risen,” in the noonday sun, raising questions on whether Goodell was a mad dog or an Englishman.

A hacker took over the NFL website this week and posted the notice about the health of the Commissioner. It actually noted that Roger was not A-OK by insisting he had passed on fourth down.

Goodell has been a well-known zombie for several years now, probably commencing after he was concussed during Bullygate and suffered a professional hit during Bountygate.

The Commissioner’s office considers these reports to be over- inflated accounts by hacks in the Fourth Estate.

Some wags have noted that the NFL password was 1-2-3-4-5. It coincides with the number of fingers on one hand of the Commissioner, though some speculate he does not have a prehensile thumb.

A newly commissioned Wells Report will no doubt recommend that everyone could guess the password, more or less.

Combined with the recent loss of every player’s medical records going back to 2004, we suspect that someone has over-inflated the importance of security at the NFL.

The good news is that Tom Brady’s cell phone was not hacked while in possession of the NFL brain-trust.

This may be the big break Goodell has been waiting for. He can now claim that his four-game suspension of Tom Brady was the result of someone hacking into his account. He had actually fined Brady $50 for the hot air leak.

 

Talib Shooting Deflates No Balls

DATELINE:  Peaceful Shooter

 

When he was with the Patriots, there were fears he was a loaded gun ready to go off. He never played with a full round in the chamber for the Kraft team.

Aqib Talib remained muzzled in New England, but playing in the Mile High City has liberated him. It must be the thin air that led him to play Russian Roulette with his career. You’d almost think he played basketball with his frequent gunplay.talib

While at a Dallas club, searching for the perfect eclair after his recent marriage, Talib became involved in some fisticuffs, which always leads to shooting oneself in the foot.

Talib is well-known for his dirty play, and stupid penalties. It then comes as no surprise that he might carry a weapon in the Plaxico tradition, or worse in the Tarrent tradition.

Both those men found that gunplay is never like in the movies.

Talib may have just been married, but that doesn’t make him a homebody, just another homeboy out on Sunday morning to sow those wild oaters.

Aqib may be armed and dangerous even when he has no gun in his pocket. Three others were also shot during the fracas, but don’t expect the NFL to give him a four-game suspension.

No footballs were deflated by the stray bullets. So, unlike Tom Brady, Talib may only be fined for an equipment failure. The Broncos are now claiming the shooting was an accident waiting to happen.

More Friendly Briefs for Tom Brady

DATELINE: Teamster Player

kindlecover

The latest small group of special interests to support Tom Brady against the monolithic NFL happens to be one of the most important unions in the United States.

Yes, indeed, the AFL-CIO has come out to disparage the management style of Roger Goodell, which generally puts him into the style of the 19th century Molly Maguires.

Some football fans in other regions may be surprised that the teamsters are big on Brady. However, everyone knows what a team player Tom is, and this support is only a surprise in that the foremost union in the country is urging the Circuit Court to hear the problem.

Add this to the growing list of indignant fans who see the NFL style as a national problem. Roger Goodell’s long national nightmare is not quite over. The Commissioner is on record as saying he is not paying much attention to Deflategate nowadays.

Goodell may find a ton of bricks falling on his head and wonder why. The imbecilic commissioner may be the last to know what’s going on in his game.

The national support for Brady’s position may also start to erode this viewpoint that his support is limited to the New England states, a group of crackpots.

Goodell’s bosses, the Bllionaire Boys Club, are known for their unfair labor practices—and they may be laughing at the fans like David Ortiz of the Red Sox who claims he will not watch games without Tom Brady playing.

Tom Brady’s Friends of the Court Deflate Goodell

DATELINE:  Amicus Panties in a Twist

Tom's Briefs

Amicus briefs are filling out the dirty laundry in jurisprudence.

The more obtuse football fans think Amicus briefs are what the Amish wear under their clothes.

You may think that Amicus Briefs are the latest in Italian sports cars, but you have deflated your own spare tires.

You could believe that Amicus Briefs are the latest fashion on Survivor Island, but reality shows much more.

“Amicus briefs” come from friends of the court. When it comes to the lawsuit of Tom Brady and his Deflategate appeal, however sexy Gronk sees it, the NFL seems to have no friends going to court on their behalf.

Tom Brady’s Supreme Court lawyers, known in legal circles as the Magnificent Seven, are gathering to embarrass Roger Goodell.

First, a gaggle (or is that bunch) of science professors from the best universities in the nation wrote a scathing attack on the NFL for ignoring science in terms of deflated footballs and their cause.

The nerdy professors have done their homework, but why would the NFL pay attention to hot air when they ignore brain concussions? To protect the integrity of the game, Goodell’s Goons sank their influence into the medical study for water on the brain.

Second, the New England Patriots have offered their amicus to Brady by sending the Circuit Court another pair of briefs that puts Goodell’s knickers in a twist.

Fellow owners may be grinding their teeth over the billionaire Patriots owner who is crying ‘foul.’  If there is a foul ball in football, you know the United States government may have to raise the RICO statutes.

Brady Appeal: Money En Banc

DATELINE: Who do you Anti-Trust?

 

Brady beauty rest

It’s money in the bank for sure when the en banc Circuit Court of judges hears a case.

For Tom Brady, he may be inflating the stakes for the NFL. Raising them to the United States Supreme Court with the former Solicitor General soliciting a free pass for Tom is the stuff of anti-trust busting.

Having chosen a dangerous path, the fools supporting Roger Goodell (with billions behind them) may find themselves facing a court that wonders what kind of unleashed power these privileged owners have.

Whether or not Brady wins the en banc hearing on the Circuit Court level, he likely will head on down to Washington. He will have Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg as his first hurdle.

She hates big business taking advantage of individuals. So, you can count on her stalling the suspension this season—and putting Tom and his high powered attorneys on the docket.

Goodell and his Billionaire Boys Club had plenty of opportunities to settle this mess quietly, but their hubris was inflated beyond any football in August.

Now they may face some tough questions about enslaving and concussing the players on their plantation. In a world of billionaires, even millionaire players look like slave labor.

Ted Olson has said on national TV, “The facts here are so drastic, and so apparent, the court should rehear it.”

Yikes, Roger. What have you wrought?

Supreme Court for Tom Brady

DATELINE: High and Mighty Judiciary

Tom Brady has loaded up on the big guns. Today he and his defense team at the NFL Players Association have brought in former Solicitor General of the United States, Ted Olson, to join their legal squad.

Olson has a history of going up to the US Supreme Court. If there is a need for experience in this realm, Brady now has hired the best option for the ultimate round. We can see where the yellow brick road is winding.

A few sports hacks have said this doesn’t deserve to go to the Supreme Court. If ever an individual’s rights have been trod upon, this is the case.

Ted Olson should send shivers down Roger Goodell’s staff, but we suspect they never heard of the guy. Tom knows, and that may make the retaining of this lawyer a game changer.

When ownership supported Goodell, they have put billions on the defense—and Brady doesn’t want to pay the tribute. It is a historical situation that is a cornerstone of America.

Will the Supreme Court take the case? The clarion call sounds, “Why not?”

The late Justice Scalia would have loved this one.

The Brady suspension may well force Clarence Thomas to speak his mind.

The case boils down to the All-American Boy versus the Billionaire Boys Club. The billionaires ought to be worried about their antitrust exemption clause. Tom Brady speaks softly, but his iron boot is made for walking.

Debatable Deflatable Rafts Required in NFL

 DATELINE:  Nowheresville

The NFL has missed the boat again.

They plan to sack Tom Brady for four games the same week that Johnny Boyziel, erstwhile QB of Nowheresville, has been indicted by a Dallas grand jury for assault.

Breaking the eardrum of a woman is considered less serious than breaking the social media instrument of a smartphone in the eyes of Roger Goodell.  Does this guy have a clue?

Goodell has set a legal precedent that is medieval—and was given his magna carte blanche by the NFLPA, since idiocy knows every boardroom in football.

All those steroids have taken a toll on the commish. When you’re an aging jock with a penis envy for the players you control, you tend not to keep your eye on the sparrow. You are looking crotch-level.

The only way for Goodell to save the game of football from another season of round-the-clock Deflate-gate horror stories is to pardon Tom Brady immediately.

Alas, accepting pardon means admitting guilt. We doubt that Brady will jump at that chance. Instead, the chess game will up the ante in the direction of the U.S. Supreme Court.

How do you spell defamation of character when the hashtag is Antitrust?

Billionaire owners may think they are swatting at horseflies, but skip to my loo, darling, your NFL is heading to the loo.

Despite all the wishes and hopes of billion dollar waving owners, this catastrophe is not going away. Tom Brady will see you in court, again, Roger.

 

 

If Goodell Only Had a Brain…

DATELINE: Deflategate Lingers

 

If there is a semblance of a brain left in the witless Roger Goodell, he will immediately move to remove Deflategate from the upcoming season’s vocabulary.

We are not optimistic that Goodell will receive a brain from the Wizard of Oz any time soon.

Today, upon the heels of the latest Circuit Court’s circumlocutions and illogic, Donald Trump told a rabid crowd that the NFL should “leave Tom Brady alone.”

When Trump was a mere pretender to the presidency, he could be ignored. But, now, Tom Brady has a friend in high places. Look out, you purveyors of NFL ownership. The Anti-Trust element is around the corner—and not since Teddy Roosevelt has there been a president who might whip the NFL to an inch of its billionaire economic arrogance.

Goodell is no longer between a rock and hard place. He is now facing a deluge that could mean the quality of mercy falleth like a torrent from heaven.

We might bet all the gold in Fort Knox that Brady and Goodell come to an agreement soon, but there is probably no gold in Fort Knox—if Trump is right.

Will Goodell suspend the sentence, or will he issue more question marks?

Parsing the NFL is sort of like listening for radio waves from outer space. The great visitors from the Milky Way will land before we can translate the murky logic of Goodell or the bonehead fans of the NFL.

Fans of other teams are rejoicing, but remember this: when Goodell comes for a member of your team, we shall be silent.

Reports of Tom Brady’s Demise!

DATELINE: Deadly Deflategate Strikes Again!

In Happier Times

If the media is a good judge of judges, Tom Brady is sinking faster than the SS Andrea Doria when it was deflated by a Swedish ship’s crash into its hull.

On a March day in the off-season, it now appears the Perfect Storm is carrying Tom’s innocence out to sea faster than a jet’s debris washes up on the shore.

We aren’t entirely convinced that the media is trustworthy when it comes to analyzing court room antics. We generally find their sports coverage patina puts every judicial maneuver in terms of personal fouls and red zone infractions.

We are not even certain the media can identify a hostile comment over an observation meant to elicit some attorney’s lunch to burp up to the forefront of his gullet.

So, after a short hearing with the three monkeys of justice, media fools ran from the courtroom crying, “The Sky is Falling!” and what’s worse, they think it is falling on Tom Brady.

Unflappable Jeffrey Kessler, attorney of Tom Brady, seemed puzzled by the media frenzy. He made a large salary in his half hour of aplomb and awe shucks with the judicial panel.

Neither Tom Brady, nor Roger Goodell, had to show up for this circus—but you can be certain they awaited the reports of their attorneys.

The NFL has spent upwards of $20million on lost hot air, according to the retainer fees and report pay-offs. NFL idiots commissioned all these expenses because its commissioner thinks that’s how his title explains his job description.

So, the three judges saw evil, heard evil, and spoke evil, in every phrase. Did they pocket any of that $20m?

It appeared they wanted to know why Tom wasn’t given a year’s suspension for his heinous crime, no matter how arbitrary. They also seemed curious about smashing one’s cell phone a day before going to court. It would seem they have some experience with this legal strategy among perps.

All in all, it will still take three months or so until we hear which side will appeal the case to carry it well beyond 2016.

The NFL attorney begged the panel of judges to put the league out of its misery with a decision soon.

The Bell Tolls for Thee, Goodell

DATELINE:  Once More, With Deflategate

 

This upcoming week is the last roundup for Roger Goodell.

Yep. We are here to deliver news to you sore losers out there.

Commissioner Goodell faces a three judge panel he wants to overthrow Judge Richard Berman’s scathing decision against the NFL in favor of Tom Brady.

Scathing decisions are a tad too hot to overturn for the most part. It means a judge has been forceful and convinced of the rightness of his response.

Deflategate confounded nearly every football fan who proved their sense of fairness was tied to home team support. Most NFL fans cheat on their taxes, on their wives, and in their illegal bets on FanDuel. But they hate Tom Brady.

The Three Magi, the Three Musketeers, and the Three Witches of Macbeth were all unanimous when put together in a cause. We don’t see it changing with the court of appeals.

We suspect this is bad news for Roger Goodell because most threesomes of outsiders defend the righteous: not the self-righteous. Roger, it will be over and out.

Each judge was appointed by a different President: Clinton, Bush, and Obama—and that is an unlikely threesome even in politics. They are unlike the referees each week in the NFL, all of whom are Goodell plants, doing the bidding of the NFL, pre-planning the penalties, and looking to turn a loophole into a noose.

Fans are used to three judges on American Idol and with dope-slapping among the Three Stooges. NFL burlesque is about to end on March 3rd and the biting irony is about to leave teeth marks into the rear end of Goodell.

Deflategate is about to bite the dust.

Anticipated NFL Playoff Awards

DATELINE: Follies

How much hubris can we cram into one 250-word bloggette? No one asked, but we are ahead of deflated balls every time.

We are giving our playoff notable achievement awards before a downy flake of Wildcard Weekend gives us a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.

SURPRISE PLAYER OF THE PLAYOFFS:

Without distinction, Robert Griffin III wins this by managing to bring his team into this year’s playoff mix by not playing at all.

Congratulations to RGIII—and may he help his next team as much.

 

2015’s FOLLIES:

Move over Ziegfeld, we have a series of scandals and NFL drivel that has not stopped anyone so far. Thanks to Deflate-gate, Whistle-gate, and now HGH-gate, we have a combo chorus and conga line dominating the playoff contenders.

IRONY OF 2015:

We bestow this award on a man the NFL has designated as their heavy hitter of HGH. We think Peyton Manning deserves the award for having stem cells inserted into his neck, taken from his own fat cells. Well-done, Pizza-Maven!

F.O.P. of the YEAR:

O-BJ is the F.O.P. of choice. Odell Beckham, Jr., has managed to outdo and outplay and out out every damn spot on the Giants playoff hopes. Too bad he isn’t in the play-outs. He is the man we choose for an outing with every Sundae with jimmies on top of O-BJ. F.O.P. means Funny Odd People.

BURLESQUE STAR OF 2015:

Johnny Football Manziel has managed to add insult to injury. With Vegas vacations while on the injured list, high speed domestic fights in his luxury car, and boozing like he has affluenza, Johnny Manziel should never see a playoff game from the inside during his career.

COMEDY TEAM OF 2015:

We wanted to make this a coin toss between Miami Dolphins and Cleveland Browns, but our coin of the realm is counterfeit and the NFL refs have botched the award. Houston will represent them in the playoffs.

DOUBLE-ENTENDRE OF 2015:

Formerly known as the Mae West award, this prestigious honor goes to the man who tried to one-up the late Truman Capote by posing for animal crackers in his spare time.  Tom Brady has the chutzpah to imitate the pose that won universal condemnation for Capote at the start of his career. It is duck soup for Brady at the end of his.

 

There you have it, fans—our playoff awards for a season in hell. Who knows what the playoff games will give us? And at this point, who cares?

Black Bats and Burning Crosses: Symbols of Victory?

DATELINE:  Panther Rallying Cry!

 

Bring on the Black Bats?

The Black Bats of the Carolina Panthers now have been revealed as an elemental part of their winning season. It’s a good luck charm used to intimidate the opponents.

We have never seen Bill Belichick’s teams resort to black bats. One wonders if black bats trump deflated footballs as a black eye on the integrity of the game.

The NFL prevents players from wearing any article of clothing that they deem detrimental to the game: like a pink shoe to honor a mother who died of breast cancer.

However, Goodell’s NFL goons and goose-steppers will gladly allow the crypto-Nazi symbol of a black bat. If we had gangstas doing this on the streets of New York, the police would have their tasers at the ready.

You may well ask how a baseball bat fits in the uniform policy of the NFL, which generally does not allow the swung bat to stop the receivers.

Panther apologists include their coach who notes that it is merely a symbol or a metaphor that the players are swinging for the fences—again a baseball reference to hitting a home run.

Why not carry a lacrosse stick? They are longer and have a more deadly reach. Why not drive a tank onto the field to fire up your team with Patton’s blood and guts as a symbol?

The notion that a black bat is an innocent article of sportsmanship is nearly as ludicrous as the notion that calling Oddsmell Beckham a ballerina is all part of the fairness of love and war.

Where is your overbearing NFL, fans? We think wearing white hoods and holding burning crosses might also intimidate other teams or their star players, but we haven’t seen that in the pregame rituals–yet.

Nuts to You, Roger Goodell

DATELINE: Inmates Running the NFL

Featured image Les Miserables

The delusional life of Roger Goodell continues to astound us. The NFL Commissioner is a certifiable nutcase.

Stopped after an owners’ meeting, he responded to media questions about Deflategate like a man who never read a court transcript in his life.

He has no regrets, apparently ready to sing “La Vie en Rose” like he is Edith Piaf.

He speaks of Tom Brady, future Hall of Famer, as if Goodell has cast himself as Pat Garrett, ready to gun down Tom Brady as Billy the Kid. Quien es? There will be more shots in the dark from Mr. Commissioner until he plugs someone coming back from the bathroom.

You’d think he had just nailed Oscar Pistorius—or is that Oscar Wilde? He believes Brady needs to have some justice applied to his backside, sort of like a “somdomiste,” in the words of the Marquis of Queensbury.

Goodell is living in a world that the rest of us would call part of string theory.  He has made a quantum leap into another universe while keeping his day job. If Goodell has his way, he will string up Tom Brady like the innocent men of The Ox Bow Incident.

Police inspector Javert and his gendarmes chasing Jean Valjean in Les Miserables have nothing on the obsessions of Roger Goodell. You could write a musical about it if Victor Hugo were around to revise the novel.

Goodell grew up watching Jack Webb play Sgt. Joe Friday. And, now he thinks he is Top Cop wearing the shield. His game is not to change the names to protect the innocent. He wants to prosecute the innocent.