David Ortiz Questions Persist

DATELINE: Pardon Us!

GOATS

Boston sports media always protect their own. If you have questions, you may not always receive answers. Not even the get well wishes of a former President of the United States can hide bigger puzzlements.

Dark questions haunt the situation surrounding the hit on David Ortiz. Oh, yes, make no mistake: it was a hit that fortunately did not end Big Papi’s game. As he told doctors entering surgery, “I am a good man.” He did not want to die.

So, we wonder why the Red Sox organization decided to fly Ortiz out of the Dominican Republic as soon as possible, even before he stabilized (despite the medical opinion to the contrary).

If you think he was stable, he arrived in Boston to face immediate second surgery. Did someone botch the job in the ER of the DR?

In New York’s Post, you see the words “hit man.” This does not surprise several of his former teammates, who indeed think an assassin’s bullet is not out of the question.

You may well wonder why Ortiz returned often to the DR. Was it to see his family—while leaving his wife and children back in Boston?

You may well wonder why the assassin is tied to drugs and why his companion was a police officer. You may well wonder if the long-ago charge that Ortiz used illegal substances in his baseball career might resurface.

They removed Ortiz from the DR before another attack might finish him off: how easy it is to die in a hospital from complications after being shot up and losing your intestines, spleen, and other organ parts.

Septic poisoning is but a day away.

Big Papi’s agent thinks something odd is going on. Well, when you are spirited out of the hospital before the police can question you, there is an appearance that leaves a dubious feeling.

We can count only on the fact that the Boston media has thrown up another protective shield around David Ortiz.

Big Papi Survives Assassin Bullet!

DATELINE: Celebrities Face Russian Roulette!

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An assassination attempt on the life of Red Sox legend David Ortiz, known in the baseball world as Big Papi, is vaguely reminiscent of the attack on the life of John Lennon or Tupac Shakur.

Those two chilling actions of murder put a damper forever on how celebrities interacted with the public. Now, again, the fame or infamy of sports stars—and their relative accessibility to the general public may shut down appearances in informal settings.

David Ortiz has lived under a lucky star as athlete and pop hero. Next to Gronk, he is a New England fixture and dizzy icon.

Big Papi is enormously popular in Boston, and in fact was expected to attend a charity event in town this week. He keeps a high profile in the New England area, mainly owing to product endorsements and advertising, which likely provides income and attention.

However, Big Papi also put his local house up for sale this week in the Greater Boston suburbs. He was shot in the back in his native Dominican Republic, not Boston.

He became an American citizen a few years ago, and also defended Boston at a ceremony after the Boston Marathon bombing a few years back.

He was shot in the back by an assailant who clearly meant to kill him. The bullet went through his stomach. The shooter on a motorcycle, or someone presumed to be the gunman, was attacked by an incensed crowd at the night club where Ortiz had appeared.

Those familiar with the two countries sharing an island in the Caribbean call the DR a dangerous place. Americans have died there recently in mysterious hotel incidents.

What is clear is that the violence of the world and the social media attention celebrities receive internationally has made a new wrinkle for assaults or assassinations by deranged individuals with a sense of entitlement.

Big Papi may well survive this attack, but he will never be the same—nor will sports stars who may find themselves paying a heavy price for fame and bodyguards.

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down

GOATS

Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

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When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

David Ortiz in the Glass Booth

DATELINE: Ortiz Unleashed

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Fanboys and media mavens insist that retired Red Sox star David Ortiz should be in the broadcast booth this season.

As expected, Tom Werner– self styled media guru and Red Sox owner– has been hesitant to give an answer.

Ortiz says he wishes to work as a Sox commentator this season, and the Red Sox are coyly responding that he could be in the booth sporadically. Fans are putting their trust in the same group that fired Don Orsillo after so many years of loyal service.

If you’re putting your trust and Big Papi’s future in the hands of these benighted snakes in the grass, then you are likely to be disappointed. The Red Sox are more likely to send John Wilkes Booth after Ortiz than to put him in the booth.

The Red Sox broadcasting glass booth has suffered more than its share of brick-a-bats in recent years.

NESN, the Red Sox on the television network, is giving serious thought to putting Ortiz in the studio for analysis. At least that’s their story.

The problem with Ortiz is the Red Sox have no idea what he may say. If you remember his comments after the marathon bombing, they better have the censor button handy.

Ortiz hands out F-bombs like a fighter pilot.  That tends to make the Red Sox brass a little nervous. In an age when everything is scripted, especially sports ad libs, Ortiz is the most dangerous game.

Expect some kind of Midas-touch muffler on Big Papi to hold down the noise.

Tom Brady & David Ortiz Converge on Cleveland

DATELINE:  Cleveland, Ohio

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It’s a weekend in Cleveland for Boston.

Our 40-year-old virginal heroes are about to play for the ages.

Tom Brady and David Ortiz will not be leaf-peeping along the Mohawk Trail this weekend. They have gone to the land of LeBron on business.

We cannot recall a time in the past when Boston had two superstars from two different sports, both playing way above the usual expectations for men whose retirement lives clearly go way beyond 40 years.

The Red Sox and the Patriots are converging in Cleveland, not exactly the hub of sports legends.

Tom is coming off a four-week suspension that was an openly hidden agenda by the NFL to derail one of their greatest players. Self-hate comes in many forms.

David is coming off the best final season ever put together by a baseball player with 40 home runs being only the tip of the iceberg. Big Papi has been feted everywhere in his league, whereas Tom had to go to Italia for a nude sunbath.

And on one of the loveliest October weekends New England can put together, the stars will be out in Cleveland where Maynard G. Krebs had his worst nightmares.

Hurricane Matthew changed his mind and decided not to visit New England to spoil the mood. Fans won’t be at Gillette and Fenway in torrential rain, nor windy gales. The less fortunate are suffering evacuation and trepidation in Florida.

Brady and Ortiz are pure, unsullied, and untouched by the evil scandals that lesser mortals have tried to dump upon them. From Deflategate to performance enhancing drugs, nothing can stick to the Boston gold-dust twins of Brady and Ortiz.

No one expects that Cleveland will put a damper on the careers and seasons of Tom and David. If that city on the Great Lake turns our heroes into pillars of salt, we shall mark that as a perpetual disdain for anything round on the ends and hi in the middle.

Pre-Game Jitters for Patriots?

DATELINE:  Uh-Oh Moment

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Boston media is rejoicing over the proposition that Rex Ryan may be coaching his last game as a Buff Bill.

The real Buff Bill, nee Belichick, has decided apparently to start Jimmy Garoppolo even if he cannot lift his arm, but we—like T-Rex—believe there is a trick up Swami Bill’s sleeve. The biggest trick on the Patriots is doubtlessly Julie E.

The controversy has not been front page, nor sports headline news, on the local TV shows. It’s been Final Regular Season Papi Weekend, with his image cut into the centerfield grass at Fenway.

We heard an amazing stat: yes, David Ortiz has about 538 home runs in his career, but his foundation for children has performed heart surgery on 561 children. It makes home runs seem rather unimportant and QB controversy rather flimsy.

Tom Brady did not show up for the final games of Ortiz because his Dolce Vita in Roma took the cake. Yes, Tom splurged on Italian cooking: well, he ate watercress sandwiches

Whether he took his playbook to Italy is doubtful. He will officially return to the Patriots on Monday—and become an official Monday morning quarterback.

It’s then he will welcome Gronk 2 to the team. Yes, Glenn Gronkowsky is being inserted into the practice squad. If this is a PR move, it will resonate only when Baby Gronk reaches the varsity team.

T-Rex seems convinced he will be victorious at Gillette against the Brady-free team that bedevils him. There are two schools of thought: one is that the Bills cannot outflank Swami Bill who has hypnotized cobras with his magic flute—and, second, the law of averages is on T-Rex’s side.

We feel it is dubious thinking to believe Rex Ryan will be doing a retirement tour of the NFL this season. He always leaves’em laughing.

Tom Brady Mask New Halloween Horror for Goodell!

DATELINE:  Mask of the Red Death?

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Who is that masked man?

Yes, someone wearing a Tom Brady mask has been making the rounds. The extremely life-like mask is worn by a short man, but rumors persist that the mask itself was designed by Tom Brady’s plastic surgeon in Paris.

What’s more, there is a story circulating like a case of hives that Tom Brady Himself wears the mask at all press conferences.

The little man in the big Tom suit cavorted with fans outside Gillette Stadium, causing a ruckus. It turns out that culprit in question is none other than Wes Welkah, former Patriot.

It appears that one of Brady’s closest friends is wheedling his way back into the Brady Bunch. Move over, Julie E. Now that Wes is back in Boston, there may be a new world order among the coterie.

We have found more intrigue than among the Elvis posse at its peak.

Welker also attended the game on Sunday, sitting among the faithful fans of Gillette. We can’t say if he kept his dinner date with Tom after the game.

You can bet Tom Brady gave his stamp of approval to Welkah’s mask, which went over like the Edgar Allan Poe version of Red Death.

Welkah’s mask has a more lifelike tone than the Phantom of the Opera, but we can still hear the Music of the Night every time Welkah emerges from under the plasticity.

There is no truth to the rumor that Welkah leaves a deflated football wherever he goes as his calling card. And, we are unable to confirm that Brady will be wearing a Welkah mask at Gillette next week.

 

And, we thought David Ortiz at the game in a Brady jersey was a great impersonation!

 

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Bobble, Heads Roll!

DATELINE: BAN THE BOBBLE!

Ortiz Papi Head

If you take one look at the Red Sox version of the David Ortiz bobblehead, you might be reminded of the days when the local neighborhood had a black jockey statue for the horses to be tethered to.

Big Papi deserves to be lauded, not lampooned. Spare us from the bubbleheaded idiocy that seems to epitomize sports today.

The notion that Big Papi will be honored with a bobblehead is as outrageous as depicting him as Aunt Jemima flipping pancakes. The actual bobblehead looks like something out of Al Jolson singing, “Mammy!”

The only thing missing from the Ortiz Bobblehead was having the unfortunate icon holding a watermelon. So, out of a preponderance of being horrified, the Red Sox canceled the distribution of the Papi bobble at the Yankee game.

The Red Sox nearly bobbled the season long testimonial to their retiring hero.

The biggest bubblehead of the bobblehead situation is the notion these things are meant to be flattering. If the process of bobbleheads is understood, they are satiric icons.

No one should be flattered to see his likeness bobbling like some out of control hip hop flopper.

These silly items were never meant to be kindly totems or to be used as standard-bearers for a career.

The idea of a bobbling head hints cruelly at a certain kind of mental deficiency. Better not to have a bobble head at all, than to bobble the Red Sox lionizing of its iconic Papi. The bobblehead was a bomb waiting for detonation.

Birth of a New Big Three for the Celtics?

DATELINE: Hoping for a Triumverate

 Boston sports

In the beginning there was Bird, McHale, and Parrish. Thence came Garnett, Allen, and Pierce. Now the Moving Finger seemed about to write a new chapter of Big Guns.

Though the Celtics were starting free agency looking like a candidate for the TV show The Biggest Loser, the roll of the dice out of Beacon Hill seemed to harbor a Boston change.

Late Saturday afternoon in the Hamptons, the Fourth of July fireworks grew into a frenzy.

The Boston Celtics sent a contingent to meet with Kevin Durant. This seemed to rival the Paris Peace Talks of 1973.

Delegations to convince superstars to join the ranks of a new team have become de rigueur practice in sports negotiations. Already, the Celtics reportedly signed Kevin Durant’s close friend, Al Horford, to a maximum contract—and that was considered a trump card for the Celtics strategy.

Of course, chief bottle washer Danny Ainge once put together the Big Three with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. Now he was orchestrating another Big Gang.

Showing up in the Hamptons with Kelly Olynyk, Marcus Smart, and Isaiah Thomas, was the other secret weapon player: Tom Brady of the Patriots.

We’d seen him courtside at the Boston Garden, and now Tom Brady was courtside at a conversion party.

Not to be left out, Red Sox superstar David Ortiz sent Durant a tweet apologizing for not being at the meeting, but he had a game that afternoon.

Kevin Durant is cogitating at last report about joining the Celtics.

Kulpa, Fans, and Ortiz

DATELINE:  Yankee Doodle Bug

The new kids’ comedy show draws on the old TV puppets, Kukla, Fran, and Ollie.

Yep, Kulpa is the nasty umpire, and his nemesis is David Ortiz, the magical dragon like superstar on the way out.

Something went terribly wrong on the joyous Big Papi retirement tour. Sergeant Pepperspray turned out to be a third-rate umpire who called strikes where he saw them. Unfortunately, it was the ninth inning of a Yankee game with the bases loaded.

Suffice it to say, the heroic moment of David Ortiz turned into MLB’s worst nightmare.

Last time an umpire screwed up this badly, he was cast into the Midwest where he did not officiate a Red Sox game for the rest of the season.

Ron Kulpa is worthy of working in Gotham again—if the Yankees play the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin. He fits right in with all the cartoon versions of a bad umpire.

We suspect he would be an excellent choice if Hollywood moguls want to re-film Casey at the Bat with a genuine ogre in the role of strike-caller.

We have seen bad umpires in our day, but Kulpa is the rain on your parade. He is the ant at your picnic. He is the thorn in your side.

We sympathize with David Ortiz’s fantasy world tour to end his storybook fictional career.

Ortiz 502, Brady 401

DATELINE: Record Winners

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We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.

First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics.

On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.

Neither man listened to the wizened, but unwise media and radio blabbers. Thank heavens. Brady’s freight train of bombs pushed him past 400 touchdowns this week.

So, today Tom Brady has surpassed a mark that Roger Goodell never expected to occur in the first four games of this season. Brady was supposed to be on the shelf, prevented from having a moment of glory in a sport Goodell himself never could play.

Brady and Ortiz have graced the Boston skyline longer than some of the new scrapers along the Charles.

If you’re around long enough, you will tend to break a few records and a few hearts. If you are a lucky superstar, you keep them in proportion to your fanbase.

Like Tom, Big Papi has also been run down in a scandal of PED use. All those around him lost their heads and hearts to enhanced statistics. Oh, they’ve accused Ortiz of dubious behavior, much like Tom Brady.

However, you cannot deny the overwhelming evidence of decades of high level performance.

Something else is at work. It’s called talent beyond that of mortal men.

So, this week in Boston sports we shout out our Pope Francis ‘hosannah on high’ (usually reserved for messiahs)  to Tom Brady and David Ortiz for giving us hundreds of breathtaking moments in the 21st century.

Big Hullabaloo Over Big Papi Brings Big Wind

DATELINE: HUMOROUS TIBIA

While we went on our luxury vacation from sports to work on our new book about the Titanic, David Ortiz hit an iceberg in Boston.

Well, it was 70 degrees and a beautiful day, the next day was iceberg weather. Boston is like that in April. And, sure enough, if the Queen Mary of Designated Hitters did not go bump in the night. He ripped a hole in the Sox hull.Featured image

While Ortiz was complaining about balls and strikes, which is an offense against man and humanity in the eyes of MLB, he carried over his anger to a second umpire.

When you bump the third base umpire while complaining about the home plate man in black, you are likely to be abducted by little green men from the Commissioner’s Office.

Usually in situations like this, Ortiz makes a direct attack on the Bell Telephone in the dugout with a bat. Not this time, fans. Ortiz decided he would take down the iceberg with a heated exchange.

Suffice it to say, the justice league always prevails. You may think you are Batman going up against Superman, tugging on his cape, but you are merely a glorified pinch hitter.

And, the league is not about to let superheroes grow into green monsters like the incredible hulkster that Ortiz has become. He is now bigger than the game, or at least bigger than his britches.

Right now, he has driven off the britches before counting his chicken.

David Ortiz All Wet After DeHydrating

DATELINE: Dry Humor

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We’ve been told in no uncertain terms to lay off David Ortiz. The Big Papi had to sit out a game in the hot Florida sun because it dehydrated him.

We hesitated to point out that old people all suffer from this because the body thermostat loses its effectiveness after a certain age. We just didn’t know that age was 39.

In our day, being 39 was thought to be a symbol of youth’s last glimmer. If 39 is the new 50, then Jack Benny has lost his funniest joke. And, the Red Sox have found it.

Some people questioned how a man who sits in the dugout during the game, under shade and next to the watercooler can possibly overheat.

Some people have wondered how a man whose entire career has avoided hot grass and sun-drenched playing fields could suddenly fail to avoid those.

Others are questioning the rigorous spring training regimen that Dudley Do-Right Farrell has imposed on his out of shape roster.

You might say that Ortiz should have spent the winter in Boston, shoveling out his car every day. He’d be far more sympathetic to the hot Florida sun.

But, a cadre of voters for including Big Papi in the Hall of Fame have accused us of cruelty and injustice. It’s almost as if we have taken umbrage at Deval Patrick for wanting $7500 a day to promote the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. How dare we deny a man his livelihood? How dare we attack an icon for being iconic?

Hey, we’d probably vote to convict Aaron Hernandez too. Call us callous.

 

Panda and Babe: Bookends of a Century

DATELINE: HISTORY ON THE MARCH

Matt Slocum AP Panda

The Torch May Be Passed!  photo Matt Slocum, AP

 

Talk has grown in Boston that the Sox ownership will soon be singing, “Yes, yes, Nanette,” trying to undo the wrong of 100 years ago when Babe Ruth went to the Yankees for a song.

It’s allegedly “Pandamonium,” with the Sox interested in the heavy-set, young Ortiz-Mo Vaughn-George Scott style hitter.

The British pound may be down, but the San Francisco pound is up in Boston. Pablo Sandoval offers the Red Sox more pounds than Shylock could slice in a month of Sundays.

The man who is known as Kung Fu Panda seems ready made for Boston, and the Sox have a ready-to-wear uniform with his DH spot guaranteed. After all, David Ortiz will be collecting Social Security soon, and the Sox will need a hitter for the remainder of the decade.

Jake Peavy, our man in the duck boat, noted that Sandoval has the same shape as Babe Ruth and may share other qualities too.

We fully expect Panda to throw a piano into Walden Pond at some point during his Red Sox career, or at least toss a harpsichord into the Charles.

Will our writing about the emergence of Panda Sandoval go the way of our Love blogs? We felt there was a man born to play here too, and after a month in Cleveland, Kevin Love may be in agreement he went to the wrong city.

So, when David Ortiz had dinner with Kung Fu Panda, he likely provided the cautionary tale of the “Road Not Taken.” We doubt that Big Papi knows the New England poem, but the sentiment may be the same in any language.

David Ortiz Has Breakfast at Tiffany’s

DATELINE: HUMOR

 

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David Ortiz is a dupe.

Perhaps it is his accent that makes a vowel split the difference between dupe and dope. Only after he paid cash, his hard earned contract extension money, did he fork over a few bucks to have his gemstones appraised.

To his shock, he was told that his bling fails to meet the basic standards of bad taste. He is bedecked out like a Marie Antoinette lookalike at Halloween. All his family jewels are now subject to deflation.

No, Oritz is not taking dope. He is a dope. Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but Ortiz never shops Tiffany unless it’s for breakfast.

Now going public with his shortcomings, David Ortiz’s legal team is now suing a jewelry dealer for selling the big Pap zircons, not diamonds.

OBAMA & ORTIZ

You’d think a man who often runs around the diamond would not be given the runaround over a diamond.

You might think it, but you’d be wrong. David Ortiz is taken in by shiny bling. He’ll pay you anything you want if you offer to sell him something that looks like a diamond.

So, Ortiz paid more cash than the average dumbbell for diamond earrings and other gems.

It now appears that David Ortiz likes to wear fool’s gold as the setting for his glass diamonds. In the world of David Ortiz, all that glitters is gold. And some of it may be platinum and diamonds.

The Beverly Hillbillies went to Beverly Hills because that’s where they belonged when they became nouveau riche. Ortiz probably has a cement pond to swim in and a billiards table that doubles as a fancy eatin’ table.

At least Jethro Bodine never spent money recklessly on fake gemstones, but he had a sixth grade education.