Another Canard Tossed at Tom Brady

DATELINE: Uncle Tom’s Cabin and White Rice

 Racist Tom at Kentucky Derby 

If being an old codger in the NFL isn’t enough to create mockery, now a humbug New England sex professor is accusing Brady of the canard of a can of worms: the racist card canard.

Every time we try to extricate our reputation of being a Tom Brady critic, the forces of New England sports pull us back into the maelstrom.

Our latest laugh riot opinion centers on a University of Rhode Island Gender Studies professor who has written that Brady’s appeal is to white nationalist-types and typos.

If you know academia, like we do as a former don of the academic mob, you know this sort of “professor” has used gender politics as his bread and butter with jam topping.

Brady, guilty of deflating footballs and playing when he should be in a rocking chair, has now incurred the wrath of some transplant transgender New Englander who hates sports and loves gender misidentification. This sensation-seeking pariah now has taken aim at Brady’s Trump-loving demeanor.

It seems back in 2015, Uncle Tom expressed support for Trump and kept a MAGA hat in plain view that incensed Chicagoans like Jussie Smollett.

Now Brady is accused of fostering racism on his Kentucky Derby trips with many friends (nearly all of whom are, uh-oh, white in a sport that has 66% black players). As a crypto-Nazi sort, Tom-boy is always kissing owner Robert Kraft (who is Jewish) and Julian Edelman (who is lesser Jewish).

You may want to overlook that Brady recently invited black icon Antonio Brown to live in his home where his young daughter and model wife also reside. We have to complain that this is surely a coverup of his racism, unless you want tenure at URI.

Prof. Kyle Kusz sounds like a mixed bag of a political windbag variety.

Throwing a log onto the racist Brady theory encourages racist supporters’ fire-down-below is a low-blow even for an academic in New England unless he already has tenure and loves death threats.

Sad State of Victimization

DATELINE: Crime Does Not Pay Victims!

img_4972 Behind You or Dead Ahead?

We took in more victim notions this week. There are no victims, only claimants to the condition, if you are to believe people like Mitch McConnell.

Does it pay to announce you have been attacked, shot, threatened, raped, or otherwise tell the American media and the world of Trump politics?

Apparently, victims are by their definition, people who have been injured by nasty and aggressive hate under the guise that nobody cares about you. Guess what? They epitomize apathy that killed Kitty Genovese nearly 60 years ago.

Chances are you don’t know about Kitty Genovese that created a shocking tenor of American life so many decades ago. How soon they forget? To say the least.

Indeed so, we saw the proof this week that nobody cares about victims, and even worse, the hate squad will “double down” in violating your dignity. We refer to cases involving David Ortiz (shot), Jussie Smollett (racial attack), and E. Jean Carroll (raped), migrant children (government indifference), or Haitians (discrimination).

If you want presidential sympathy, you are living on the wrong side of America upside down. If you draw a comparison to concentration camps, other victims will claim you cheapen their pain.

It’s the double-down and hit them repeatedly philosophy of Donald Trump by him and his stand-ins. If you dare to indicate that you have been mistreated, have been ignored, or fear reprisals, have suffered discrimination, you are looking at a world that laughs twice. And that you cannot forget.

The nemesis for rape, racial hate, and discrimination, is Trump, and you cannot avoid his neo-crypto-Nazi nationalism. He is proud to stomp on you, deny you medical treatment, and take a step toward extermination.

What makes a victim most? Victims will be a woman, gay, blacker than black, and a non-voting child or refugee. If you dare to speak out, you will be shot down faster than a conspiratorial bullet, by those able to deny charity, and promote greatness at the cost of belittling.

Yes, if someone is made small, you are made greater.

The price of being victimized has reached inflation levels. Goodwill is worthless.

Alas, the sum of the parts adds up to a return to a world where you climb the evolutionary ladder by wiping out “inferior” races, cultures, or people.

Welcome to Great America today.



Ten Conspire to Kill Ortiz!

DATELINE: Bounty Hunters Come Cheap in DR

ortiz-unleashed Bargain Basement Killers!

The price on David Ortiz’s head was reportedly only $6000 to be divided up by a dozen conspirator killers. Then, the number went up: no, not the bounty, but the number of plotters splitting the ante. The latest count from the Dominican Republic is there are ten co-conspirators. It’s almost like a county fair of killers. A few are still at large.

We are on our way to a baker’s dozen.

Maybe your money goes a lot farther in the Dominican Republic economy. If that cheap lifestyle is driving Americans to move to that crime-ridden country, they are living a cheapskate rich lifestyle.

We thought that assassination of Julius Caesar was a shoddy affair, but 2000 years later the attack on Ortiz is even more carnival-like. Instead of a forum, or even Fenway Park, Ortiz was shot in the back, a la Jesse James, in an outdoor bistro atmosphere.

No motive has been given for the crime. We cringe at the speculation. And none of it enhances Ortiz’s reputation as a moral paragon.

Friends now say that Ortiz counted on the general public to protect him from dangerous gang members or gangsters.

The best laid plans belong to mice, not men. No one could stop the bullet with Big Papi’s name on it.

If you think witness identification is a deterrent to crime, you have only to see killers blithely walk up to the large Ortiz and put the gun at gall bladder height. They did not care who saw them, or if they would be known.

What we have here is the polar opposite of the Aaron Hernandez case.

The motorcycle get-away driver was inept too. He skidded into the crowd, giving a mob the courage to beat him up. He professes to be a Big Papi fan.

Heavens, imagine what might have happened if the motorcycle driver had been a Yankee fan.

We come back to the low-ball price on Ortiz’s head. This was not the work of a head-hunter, but of a world where life is not only cheap, but it is on sale to anyone with a credit card limit under $8000. The killers planned to share the amount at a payoff of $1000 each, but as the number goes up, the slice of the pie drops to crumbs for a murder.





David Ortiz Questions Persist

DATELINE: Pardon Us!


Boston sports media always protect their own. If you have questions, you may not always receive answers. Not even the get well wishes of a former President of the United States can hide bigger puzzlements.

Dark questions haunt the situation surrounding the hit on David Ortiz. Oh, yes, make no mistake: it was a hit that fortunately did not end Big Papi’s game. As he told doctors entering surgery, “I am a good man.” He did not want to die.

So, we wonder why the Red Sox organization decided to fly Ortiz out of the Dominican Republic as soon as possible, even before he stabilized (despite the medical opinion to the contrary).

If you think he was stable, he arrived in Boston to face immediate second surgery. Did someone botch the job in the ER of the DR?

In New York’s Post, you see the words “hit man.” This does not surprise several of his former teammates, who indeed think an assassin’s bullet is not out of the question.

You may well wonder why Ortiz returned often to the DR. Was it to see his family—while leaving his wife and children back in Boston?

You may well wonder why the assassin is tied to drugs and why his companion was a police officer. You may well wonder if the long-ago charge that Ortiz used illegal substances in his baseball career might resurface.

They removed Ortiz from the DR before another attack might finish him off: how easy it is to die in a hospital from complications after being shot up and losing your intestines, spleen, and other organ parts.

Septic poisoning is but a day away.

Big Papi’s agent thinks something odd is going on. Well, when you are spirited out of the hospital before the police can question you, there is an appearance that leaves a dubious feeling.

We can count only on the fact that the Boston media has thrown up another protective shield around David Ortiz.

Big Papi Survives Assassin Bullet!

DATELINE: Celebrities Face Russian Roulette!


An assassination attempt on the life of Red Sox legend David Ortiz, known in the baseball world as Big Papi, is vaguely reminiscent of the attack on the life of John Lennon or Tupac Shakur.

Those two chilling actions of murder put a damper forever on how celebrities interacted with the public. Now, again, the fame or infamy of sports stars—and their relative accessibility to the general public may shut down appearances in informal settings.

David Ortiz has lived under a lucky star as athlete and pop hero. Next to Gronk, he is a New England fixture and dizzy icon.

Big Papi is enormously popular in Boston, and in fact was expected to attend a charity event in town this week. He keeps a high profile in the New England area, mainly owing to product endorsements and advertising, which likely provides income and attention.

However, Big Papi also put his local house up for sale this week in the Greater Boston suburbs. He was shot in the back in his native Dominican Republic, not Boston.

He became an American citizen a few years ago, and also defended Boston at a ceremony after the Boston Marathon bombing a few years back.

He was shot in the back by an assailant who clearly meant to kill him. The bullet went through his stomach. The shooter on a motorcycle, or someone presumed to be the gunman, was attacked by an incensed crowd at the night club where Ortiz had appeared.

Those familiar with the two countries sharing an island in the Caribbean call the DR a dangerous place. Americans have died there recently in mysterious hotel incidents.

What is clear is that the violence of the world and the social media attention celebrities receive internationally has made a new wrinkle for assaults or assassinations by deranged individuals with a sense of entitlement.

Big Papi may well survive this attack, but he will never be the same—nor will sports stars who may find themselves paying a heavy price for fame and bodyguards.

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down


Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

David Ortiz in the Glass Booth

DATELINE: Ortiz Unleashed


Fanboys and media mavens insist that retired Red Sox star David Ortiz should be in the broadcast booth this season.

As expected, Tom Werner– self styled media guru and Red Sox owner– has been hesitant to give an answer.

Ortiz says he wishes to work as a Sox commentator this season, and the Red Sox are coyly responding that he could be in the booth sporadically. Fans are putting their trust in the same group that fired Don Orsillo after so many years of loyal service.

If you’re putting your trust and Big Papi’s future in the hands of these benighted snakes in the grass, then you are likely to be disappointed. The Red Sox are more likely to send John Wilkes Booth after Ortiz than to put him in the booth.

The Red Sox broadcasting glass booth has suffered more than its share of brick-a-bats in recent years.

NESN, the Red Sox on the television network, is giving serious thought to putting Ortiz in the studio for analysis. At least that’s their story.

The problem with Ortiz is the Red Sox have no idea what he may say. If you remember his comments after the marathon bombing, they better have the censor button handy.

Ortiz hands out F-bombs like a fighter pilot.  That tends to make the Red Sox brass a little nervous. In an age when everything is scripted, especially sports ad libs, Ortiz is the most dangerous game.

Expect some kind of Midas-touch muffler on Big Papi to hold down the noise.

Tom Brady & David Ortiz Converge on Cleveland

DATELINE:  Cleveland, Ohio


It’s a weekend in Cleveland for Boston.

Our 40-year-old virginal heroes are about to play for the ages.

Tom Brady and David Ortiz will not be leaf-peeping along the Mohawk Trail this weekend. They have gone to the land of LeBron on business.

We cannot recall a time in the past when Boston had two superstars from two different sports, both playing way above the usual expectations for men whose retirement lives clearly go way beyond 40 years.

The Red Sox and the Patriots are converging in Cleveland, not exactly the hub of sports legends.

Tom is coming off a four-week suspension that was an openly hidden agenda by the NFL to derail one of their greatest players. Self-hate comes in many forms.

David is coming off the best final season ever put together by a baseball player with 40 home runs being only the tip of the iceberg. Big Papi has been feted everywhere in his league, whereas Tom had to go to Italia for a nude sunbath.

And on one of the loveliest October weekends New England can put together, the stars will be out in Cleveland where Maynard G. Krebs had his worst nightmares.

Hurricane Matthew changed his mind and decided not to visit New England to spoil the mood. Fans won’t be at Gillette and Fenway in torrential rain, nor windy gales. The less fortunate are suffering evacuation and trepidation in Florida.

Brady and Ortiz are pure, unsullied, and untouched by the evil scandals that lesser mortals have tried to dump upon them. From Deflategate to performance enhancing drugs, nothing can stick to the Boston gold-dust twins of Brady and Ortiz.

No one expects that Cleveland will put a damper on the careers and seasons of Tom and David. If that city on the Great Lake turns our heroes into pillars of salt, we shall mark that as a perpetual disdain for anything round on the ends and hi in the middle.

Pre-Game Jitters for Patriots?

DATELINE:  Uh-Oh Moment

Laughing Cavalier2

Boston media is rejoicing over the proposition that Rex Ryan may be coaching his last game as a Buff Bill.

The real Buff Bill, nee Belichick, has decided apparently to start Jimmy Garoppolo even if he cannot lift his arm, but we—like T-Rex—believe there is a trick up Swami Bill’s sleeve. The biggest trick on the Patriots is doubtlessly Julie E.

The controversy has not been front page, nor sports headline news, on the local TV shows. It’s been Final Regular Season Papi Weekend, with his image cut into the centerfield grass at Fenway.

We heard an amazing stat: yes, David Ortiz has about 538 home runs in his career, but his foundation for children has performed heart surgery on 561 children. It makes home runs seem rather unimportant and QB controversy rather flimsy.

Tom Brady did not show up for the final games of Ortiz because his Dolce Vita in Roma took the cake. Yes, Tom splurged on Italian cooking: well, he ate watercress sandwiches

Whether he took his playbook to Italy is doubtful. He will officially return to the Patriots on Monday—and become an official Monday morning quarterback.

It’s then he will welcome Gronk 2 to the team. Yes, Glenn Gronkowsky is being inserted into the practice squad. If this is a PR move, it will resonate only when Baby Gronk reaches the varsity team.

T-Rex seems convinced he will be victorious at Gillette against the Brady-free team that bedevils him. There are two schools of thought: one is that the Bills cannot outflank Swami Bill who has hypnotized cobras with his magic flute—and, second, the law of averages is on T-Rex’s side.

We feel it is dubious thinking to believe Rex Ryan will be doing a retirement tour of the NFL this season. He always leaves’em laughing.

Tom Brady Mask New Halloween Horror for Goodell!

DATELINE:  Mask of the Red Death?


Who is that masked man?

Yes, someone wearing a Tom Brady mask has been making the rounds. The extremely life-like mask is worn by a short man, but rumors persist that the mask itself was designed by Tom Brady’s plastic surgeon in Paris.

What’s more, there is a story circulating like a case of hives that Tom Brady Himself wears the mask at all press conferences.

The little man in the big Tom suit cavorted with fans outside Gillette Stadium, causing a ruckus. It turns out that culprit in question is none other than Wes Welkah, former Patriot.

It appears that one of Brady’s closest friends is wheedling his way back into the Brady Bunch. Move over, Julie E. Now that Wes is back in Boston, there may be a new world order among the coterie.

We have found more intrigue than among the Elvis posse at its peak.

Welker also attended the game on Sunday, sitting among the faithful fans of Gillette. We can’t say if he kept his dinner date with Tom after the game.

You can bet Tom Brady gave his stamp of approval to Welkah’s mask, which went over like the Edgar Allan Poe version of Red Death.

Welkah’s mask has a more lifelike tone than the Phantom of the Opera, but we can still hear the Music of the Night every time Welkah emerges from under the plasticity.

There is no truth to the rumor that Welkah leaves a deflated football wherever he goes as his calling card. And, we are unable to confirm that Brady will be wearing a Welkah mask at Gillette next week.


And, we thought David Ortiz at the game in a Brady jersey was a great impersonation!


Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Bobble, Heads Roll!


Ortiz Papi Head

If you take one look at the Red Sox version of the David Ortiz bobblehead, you might be reminded of the days when the local neighborhood had a black jockey statue for the horses to be tethered to.

Big Papi deserves to be lauded, not lampooned. Spare us from the bubbleheaded idiocy that seems to epitomize sports today.

The notion that Big Papi will be honored with a bobblehead is as outrageous as depicting him as Aunt Jemima flipping pancakes. The actual bobblehead looks like something out of Al Jolson singing, “Mammy!”

The only thing missing from the Ortiz Bobblehead was having the unfortunate icon holding a watermelon. So, out of a preponderance of being horrified, the Red Sox canceled the distribution of the Papi bobble at the Yankee game.

The Red Sox nearly bobbled the season long testimonial to their retiring hero.

The biggest bubblehead of the bobblehead situation is the notion these things are meant to be flattering. If the process of bobbleheads is understood, they are satiric icons.

No one should be flattered to see his likeness bobbling like some out of control hip hop flopper.

These silly items were never meant to be kindly totems or to be used as standard-bearers for a career.

The idea of a bobbling head hints cruelly at a certain kind of mental deficiency. Better not to have a bobble head at all, than to bobble the Red Sox lionizing of its iconic Papi. The bobblehead was a bomb waiting for detonation.

Birth of a New Big Three for the Celtics?

DATELINE: Hoping for a Triumverate

 Boston sports

In the beginning there was Bird, McHale, and Parrish. Thence came Garnett, Allen, and Pierce. Now the Moving Finger seemed about to write a new chapter of Big Guns.

Though the Celtics were starting free agency looking like a candidate for the TV show The Biggest Loser, the roll of the dice out of Beacon Hill seemed to harbor a Boston change.

Late Saturday afternoon in the Hamptons, the Fourth of July fireworks grew into a frenzy.

The Boston Celtics sent a contingent to meet with Kevin Durant. This seemed to rival the Paris Peace Talks of 1973.

Delegations to convince superstars to join the ranks of a new team have become de rigueur practice in sports negotiations. Already, the Celtics reportedly signed Kevin Durant’s close friend, Al Horford, to a maximum contract—and that was considered a trump card for the Celtics strategy.

Of course, chief bottle washer Danny Ainge once put together the Big Three with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. Now he was orchestrating another Big Gang.

Showing up in the Hamptons with Kelly Olynyk, Marcus Smart, and Isaiah Thomas, was the other secret weapon player: Tom Brady of the Patriots.

We’d seen him courtside at the Boston Garden, and now Tom Brady was courtside at a conversion party.

Not to be left out, Red Sox superstar David Ortiz sent Durant a tweet apologizing for not being at the meeting, but he had a game that afternoon.

Kevin Durant is cogitating at last report about joining the Celtics.

Kulpa, Fans, and Ortiz

DATELINE:  Yankee Doodle Bug

The new kids’ comedy show draws on the old TV puppets, Kukla, Fran, and Ollie.

Yep, Kulpa is the nasty umpire, and his nemesis is David Ortiz, the magical dragon like superstar on the way out.

Something went terribly wrong on the joyous Big Papi retirement tour. Sergeant Pepperspray turned out to be a third-rate umpire who called strikes where he saw them. Unfortunately, it was the ninth inning of a Yankee game with the bases loaded.

Suffice it to say, the heroic moment of David Ortiz turned into MLB’s worst nightmare.

Last time an umpire screwed up this badly, he was cast into the Midwest where he did not officiate a Red Sox game for the rest of the season.

Ron Kulpa is worthy of working in Gotham again—if the Yankees play the Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin. He fits right in with all the cartoon versions of a bad umpire.

We suspect he would be an excellent choice if Hollywood moguls want to re-film Casey at the Bat with a genuine ogre in the role of strike-caller.

We have seen bad umpires in our day, but Kulpa is the rain on your parade. He is the ant at your picnic. He is the thorn in your side.

We sympathize with David Ortiz’s fantasy world tour to end his storybook fictional career.

Ortiz 502, Brady 401

DATELINE: Record Winners

Featured image

We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.

First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics.

On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.

Neither man listened to the wizened, but unwise media and radio blabbers. Thank heavens. Brady’s freight train of bombs pushed him past 400 touchdowns this week.

So, today Tom Brady has surpassed a mark that Roger Goodell never expected to occur in the first four games of this season. Brady was supposed to be on the shelf, prevented from having a moment of glory in a sport Goodell himself never could play.

Brady and Ortiz have graced the Boston skyline longer than some of the new scrapers along the Charles.

If you’re around long enough, you will tend to break a few records and a few hearts. If you are a lucky superstar, you keep them in proportion to your fanbase.

Like Tom, Big Papi has also been run down in a scandal of PED use. All those around him lost their heads and hearts to enhanced statistics. Oh, they’ve accused Ortiz of dubious behavior, much like Tom Brady.

However, you cannot deny the overwhelming evidence of decades of high level performance.

Something else is at work. It’s called talent beyond that of mortal men.

So, this week in Boston sports we shout out our Pope Francis ‘hosannah on high’ (usually reserved for messiahs)  to Tom Brady and David Ortiz for giving us hundreds of breathtaking moments in the 21st century.

Big Hullabaloo Over Big Papi Brings Big Wind


While we went on our luxury vacation from sports to work on our new book about the Titanic, David Ortiz hit an iceberg in Boston.

Well, it was 70 degrees and a beautiful day, the next day was iceberg weather. Boston is like that in April. And, sure enough, if the Queen Mary of Designated Hitters did not go bump in the night. He ripped a hole in the Sox hull.Featured image

While Ortiz was complaining about balls and strikes, which is an offense against man and humanity in the eyes of MLB, he carried over his anger to a second umpire.

When you bump the third base umpire while complaining about the home plate man in black, you are likely to be abducted by little green men from the Commissioner’s Office.

Usually in situations like this, Ortiz makes a direct attack on the Bell Telephone in the dugout with a bat. Not this time, fans. Ortiz decided he would take down the iceberg with a heated exchange.

Suffice it to say, the justice league always prevails. You may think you are Batman going up against Superman, tugging on his cape, but you are merely a glorified pinch hitter.

And, the league is not about to let superheroes grow into green monsters like the incredible hulkster that Ortiz has become. He is now bigger than the game, or at least bigger than his britches.

Right now, he has driven off the britches before counting his chicken.