Tom Versus the World, episode 4

DATELINE:  Tom’s Camaraderie

 TB & daughter Brady’s little girl

Tom Brady uses “The Social Game,” episode four of his series Tom Versus Time to show his social feelings for teammates like Julie Edelman and Danny Amendola.

They belong to the elite caste: those who are officially part of the Brady posse.

Brady jokes that Edeman pumps up to qualify for naked magazine covers.

Edelman breaks the rules as usual and looks into the camera to tell us he is in an eight year argument with Brady about lifting weights. Alex Guerrero, head guru of the posse, believes that longevity is the key for Tom, and Julian wants only a few more years. Ironically, Edelman hurt himself in preseason and has not played all year.

However, Tom takes two players (Danny Amendola and Julian) with him to the Big Sky resort in Montana, where he goes usually. Brady insists he goes to the resort for some fun, but the main focus is training, obsessive constant training.

All this is interspersed with dangerous riding on ATV and motorcycles. It is also a time filled with f-this and f-that for all your moral prudes.

Brady notes that after five or six weeks of the season people are feeling it, and there are weird reactions: like those who say they have Brady fatigue, or that the Pats are doomed to fall.

In the meantime, Guerrero gives Brady a painful muscle massage on his legs. Theirs is a peculiar relationship. As is his insistence that his son Jack kiss him on the lips. It must be hangover from all those Robert Kraft kisses.

Brady admits he loves the social relationships with his players. His inner circle is clearly an all-male world of camaraderie. He said he loves his teammates, and a coach once told him he wanted to look into his eyes and see the same goals. He is against fear and insults, and that may explain his fury at the insults against his daughter by Boston radio personality.

Brady has also met with the WEEI people and may return to their airwaves.  He shows his great adoration for his daughter in this episode, which may explain the anger he expressed when she was vilified.

Yet, in all this bonding in all aspects of his life from teammates to children, Tom Brady never loses his focus. He does not have Brady fatigue.

Perennial Winner’s View from Foxboro

DATELINE: Thumbs Irrelevant

 Michigan J. Frog

A funny thing happened on the way to the Super Bowl for the Patriots.  It wasn’t Tom’s thumb that was the problem. It was a tough bunch of Jaguars.  It started to look like James Michael Curley’s Last Hurrah—but hold on, fans.

No one in New England was laughing in the fourth quarter when Danny Amendola pulled off his patented Julian Edelman imitation. For a while, the alleged laughingstock named Blake Bortles looked like Joe Montana.

Yes, Blake’s advisor in California for throwing the ball is former Red Sox pitcher Tom House.

Yes, Jaylen Brown of the Celtics went rogue and backed the Jaguars over his Boston fan base because his cousin A.J. Bouye is their enforcer.

Dion Lewis saved the last dance for a fumble, but recovered one last time.

Waiting till next year may not be a good option:  Brady’s thumb won’t be needed for hitching a ride out of Foxboro, and the two coordinators, Matt Patricia and Josh McDaniels, will not hit the road, moving on to other clubs, for a few more weeks and one more big game in Minnesota.

In the end, Belichick and Brady embraced. Oh, yes, there will be a meeting of the minds of Belichick, Brady, and Kraft as they try to end a political stalemate that may have contributed to ill-feelings and ill-intentions. But that will be after they win another Super Bowl and all will be forgiven.

The Patriots found a new MVP in Danny Amendola replacing Julian Edelman with his last-minute heroics this time. Gronk was concussed and out for the end again.

Brady stalked the sidelines when he was not on the field, unlike any game of the season heretofore.

Maybe he was pondering the ratings for his Facebook TV series as bombing unless he pulled the game out of the hopper.

Time is cruel, and next year may be less  than this year, but for now, the Patriots are on top of the world, Ma.

Danny & Julian Go Global with Their Song & Dance

DATELINE: Bubbling Juices

Road to OblivionLike Watching Home Movies of Your Cousins

Notable YouTube videographer Julian Edelman was at it on the NFL Network this time.

During the summer, the NFL and Patriots decided to send two Abbott & Costello-style players to Mexico to pave the way for this week’s big international game South of the Border.

Who might better represent insanity in sports than Julian Edelman and his partner in crime Danny Amendola?

One of them might be sufficient, but two is a handful. It was like watching the reincarnation of Hope and Crosby on the Road to Oblivion.

As would-be media stars and Internet splashers, the twin Patriots chose to direct a short film of their experiences. Alas, for Julie, an injury in preseason has knocked him out for the year. Yet, he was the right man for the job of public relations in Mexico with his other slotty receiver/Zoolander model wannabe.

A giant crowd greeted them like conquistadors, and Julian noted he felt like a Beatle.

They bickered about what to include in their four-day sojourn on NFL Network’s home movie—and decided on failed pranks on each other, a bout with professional wrestlers, visiting restaurants and eating crickets, as well as taking a balloon ride over the City of the Gods, ruins of pyramids.

Perhaps the greatest wonder is that Edelman managed to finish the entire film without once mentioning Tom Brady.

He and his comic partner, often referred to as Nofundola, seemed to have more fun than a honeymoon couple deserves. Julian even sings while Danny strums on the guitar.

In one episode, Edelman was reluctant to enter a lion’s den with Amendola and would have preferred, he said, to pet a GOAT—was that a sly reference to Tom?  Amendola dominated his matchmate and has his bucket list fulfilled.

At one point Julian noted his “juices were bubbling” in a wrestling match with Danny.

At another event, they seemed about to crash their mile-high balloon, and Julian was a tad uncomfortable that the hot air had no control. They also raced up the stairs of ancient pyramids where people had their hearts cut out, oblivious to history.

The best moment came when Danny ate a cricket appetizer and notes its good taste, but Julian looked like he would like to spit it out, but the camera was rolling.

Patriots Give Trump a Knee to the Groin

 DATELINE: Kneeling to Victory

 cooks

 

With the Houston Texans locked arm-in-arm (approved by President Trump) across the field, the Patriots took somewhere between 15 and 20 knees. The number is higher or lower, depending on who reports and their degree of disdain for the New England team.

Tom Brady, Trump supporter, refused to criticize anyone, behaving like Mahatma Ghandi. He loved everyone and disdained negativity. His coach Belichick was more curmudgeonly by simply refusing to discuss it, but owner Kraft told Trump he disliked Trump’s tone.

Being an equal to Trump in monetary terms, this criticism was accepted by Trump. From you, he’d scoff.

Oh, yes, there were more kneeling players before all NFL games than in various churches earlier in the day.

Yet, they were mercilessly booed by some dimwit fans.

In the bonehead fashion of their beloved president, these fans failed to realize that the players are entitled to freedom of speech too. You can boo all you like. That too is covered by freedom of speech, even when it is misdirected and later proven stupid.

Yes, Brandin Cooks was on his knee. The Patriot player is the son of a deceased US Marine and raised by an uncle who also was a US Marine. He hardly disrespects them or the flag.. He was the victim of boo birds for his opinion.

Yet, he was also the man who caught the winning pass and touchdown with seconds left on the clock, thus giving the Brady Patriots a victory.

So much for intelligent boo birds.

You can never have too many Cooks. The remaining fans in stands were among the most faithful. Others may have again disbelieved in the Pats who were losing badly with two minutes to go, a la Super Bowl heroics.

Well, actually, it was the 52nd time Tom Brady took his team from loser to winner before the game ended.

Tom showed much love to everyone, but also to his wife’s favorite player. Superstar model Giselle Bundchen likely has a special spot in her heart for Danny Amendola, the only Patriot who regularly walks the runway as a model.  Danny also saved the Pat-less defense from ignominity.

A win is a win, even if you disrespect free speech or are a moron like Donald Trump.

 

 

Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.

 

 

Danny Amendola & Jeremy Meeks: Just too Sexy

DATELINE:  Catty on the Catwalk

Rough Trade     

Danny Amendola is in fine fettle and rather surprising company.

He embarked on a new twist to his stellar career as a Super Bowl winner and principal actor at the Victory Parade in Boston last week. Without Julie Edelman anywhere nearby, Danny was doing a cakewalk on the catwalk.

The New England Patriot with the buns of steel was a model at the Phillip Plein New York Fashion Week. He wore black leather, looking like rough trade, and studded earrings for that manly appearance. Alas, it’s the style most wanted when out for a night on Fire Island.

We could not help but wonder if Giselle Bundchen, Tom Brady’s wife, gave Danny a few pointers on how to do that power walk.

Making matters either better or worse was the company he kept as a model. You probably would recognize the other notable face and figure. He is Jeremy Meeks also known as the ‘Hot Felon.’ He’s the one with the piercing blue eyes, recently released from prison.

He became a media sensation for his mug shot last year. Now he is a working boy, strutting on the runway with Patriot winners. He’s definitely too sexy for his shirt.

And Danny is too sexy for his pants.

Hold on to your Super Bowl ring, Danny. Your pinky will be a target.

Danny looked like he was auditioning for the remake of Cruising, the old Al Pacino movie. He could’ve certainly worn backside open chaps at this show.  His buns of steel would have made him the star of the night.

Among those observing Danny and Meeks were Madonna, Paris Hilton, and Kylie Jenner, something for everyone.  Look for them at the Mine Shaft nightclub.

Babe in Toyland: Julian Edelman

DATELINE: Paternity Duds

 Bill Edelman:Julian Belichick

This week’s doomsday-sayers were not pontificating about Gronk’s terrible fate, but about Edelman.

Julie E has been somewhat of an absentee receiver this season. His pinned foot allegedly has made him into a slewfoot for gossip.

So, when he was not seen at practice this week one day, the murmurs and whispers reached a cacophony of snickers—and we don’t mean candy bars.

Of course, leave it to Chris Hogan, the wide-eyed long-bomb target of Tommy B this season, to let us in on the scoop. He almost appears to have taken the place of Julie in Tom’s playbook heart

Now, however, if Chris Hogan is to be believed, Edelman was in California on family business. How well has he kept us in the dark about the family way? For a greater part of this season, surely. It appears Edelman is now a proud papa of a baby girl named Lily.

No word on the mother. We can only speculate that nuptials are not in Edelman’s near future, as he is a dog star. Nor will changing diapers be high on his nightly workload. With a baby on the West Coast, and Edelman snowed in on the East Coast, he will be sending Pampers strictly by mail order.

It’s close enough to the big doo-doo for him. With his pal Gronk now under the knife and in traction and backing out of future wild and crazy antics, it would appear that Danny Amendola has moved to the front burner.

We saw Danny sitting next to Julian, sitting next to Tom on the heated bench, this past week during the Jets game.

As those two were exchanging recipes for finding loopholes in paternity suits, we noticed Chris Hogan slip into the mix and monopolize Tom over on the other side of the bench.

You never know what plots are afoot on the Patriots. It’s like monitoring the court of Henry VIII. You know a beheading is right around the corner where the hatchet man is named Belichick.

Babes in the woods are not withstanding.

A Day in Fairyland with Drake, Odell, & Gronk

DATELINE: Move Over, Hot Pants

When Edna St. Vincent Millay visited author Somerset Maugham at his South of France estate, she was flabbergasted, and reportedly told Maugham, “You have created Fairyland.”

Move over, Maugham. Odell Beckham, Jr., is not about to be outdone, undone, or overdone. Odell is living with a rap star named Drake. When another NFL icon, Stevan Ridley started designing fashion, they had a meeting of the mindless. Ridley’s nom de fashionista is Kid-Rid.

If Gronk looks like a giant Hobbit, then Danny Amendola is the Puck of paradise. Odell Beckham, Jr., belongs in Shangri-La-la.

The estate actually belongs to rapper Drake, and his new roommate Odell.

Gronk, Danny Amendola, and Junior, donned one-piece jump suits that haven’t been seen since the days of wine and roses. Stevan Ridley is already planning a career for his post-NFL days.

To top off the zipper fashion statement, they posed for animal crackers.

We almost could hear Gronk humming “Some Enchanted Evening,” while he posed sleeveless next to the lavender hued Odell.

Fairyland is not a Disney park, but seems to be an off-season land where magical boys transform from lions of the gridiron to pussy-cats of the Wonderland.

If the smiles become any bigger, we suspect the Cheshire Cat will disappear.

Fairyland is exclusive, and not just anybody can gain entrance. You will note that Julian Edelman was left out of the photo-shoot and model audition.

Doing the Patriots Can Can

DATELINE: Parabolic Curves

 

We’d never kick a good can. No can do.

We feel the backside is not the Patriot downside. All season we have been watching games in which players seem poured into their pants. There are no ants visible in these pants, though we can trace every other muscle.

Was this fad of endings started by Aaron Hernandez or by el Cordobes?  No, theirs was more bullfighting in the crotch.

Though few commentators go out on a limb to judge what’s holding up those leggings, we are prepared to say the New England Patriots have the best rear ends in the game, not to mention the biggest tight end, namely Gronk.

Tushy power is like putting creamy topping on your hot-cross buns.

When you see it in full motion of the backfield, there is no Jello quotient. We do recall that Marilyn Monroe was once accused of walking like jello on springs.

In football, it is more like rolling cans on a conveyor belt. The buns of steel gang include Danny Amendola and Julien Edelman as bookends to Gronk.

You may want to give Julien a swift kick in the pants, but you might break your foot.

We cannot find any other playoff team that can touch the voluptuous glutes of the Patriots. Call us a glutten for pun-pun-punishment.

We saw the sad sack rear end of Cam Newton in his big game against Russell Wilson’s bagatelle. In the shapely commodities department, Cam falls in his shorts.

Even aging glamour queen Tom Brady keeps up the neighborhood more than Cam Newton. There is no shame in an end run.

The Spandex Twins of Amendola and Edelman will make every long dash a many splendored thing or two. Between them are hindquarters to to win quarters.

Usually our blogs arouse sneers or leers, snorts and moans, but we will settle this week for finger-pointing.

 

Chiefs Tick off Clock, Can’t Beat It

DATELINE: Time’s Up

Andy Reid epitomizes a bad rap. He mismanages big games.  If you want to beat time, you have to know when to wave the terrible towel.

And, this season Reid did nothing to turn back the hands of time. It was wasted seconds, time outs, and lost time in another big game. If you need an excuse for what happened to Reid, you could blame it on alien abduction. Lost time is their specialty.

As it was, Belichick duped everyone who thought his team was decimated. He probably ticked off his enemies once again.

Gronk has added a few new dance moves to his repertoire before spiking the ball, and Brady is jumping up from doomsday hits like bullets bouncing off the chest of Superman.

If the Patriots wanted to show how ticked off they have become at the disrespect shown them by media in December, the clock struck midnight on any media mouse going up the clock.

Time and tide wait for no man, and Andy Reid was putting stitches in time to make nine points. He ran out the clock and ran out of time.

Whether time is a thief or a dysfunctional part of game management, only the next game will prove for certain. Tom Brady has turned back the clock, and Peyton Manning seems to be running on borrowed time.

Whatever next comes, the time for commiseration in Kansas has arrived. They are not Boston and cannot have too many champions all at the same time.

Kansas was not beaten by the Patriots per se. They failed to beat the clock, and the sands of the hourglass always run out on anyone who cannot think fast.

The Patriots clearly are in an alternate universe and seeping over into the post-haste world of Roger Goodell. Tom Brady is no white rabbit running late.

Any Carport in a Storm for Danny Amendola

Any Carport in a Storm for Danny Amendola

Amendola Rear Ended

Those who do not learn from history may be in Bill Belichick’s doghouse.  That means you, Danny Amendola.

It appears that well-to-do football star receiver Amendola has chosen to live in a historical house in College Hill, one of those charming, close, ultra-colonial neighborhoods that used to be the purview of college professors.

Now, millionaire athletes live there—as renters. You can figure that Amendola knows his days in New England are like the sands in an hour glass—or snowflakes at Gillette Stadium.

Danny has built a temporary plastic and iron carport.  It’s not a garage, and its sleek lines and clear roof seem at loggerheads with the tight little community of historical houses. And, his neighbors have let him know it.

They hate the temporary carport.

Amendola had it installed because when snow hits, he may be delayed in reaching Gillette at 6am for the team meetings that Belichick likes to hold during blizzards.

Players in the past have been fined, castigated, rounded up and shipped out of Foxboro for having their cars stuck in a snow drift.

Now Danny could hire a plow and a dozen teenagers to dig out his car from any snow plow residue. He could likely find fans who would dig him out for free. However, none of this matters.

Like someone violating a condo bylaw, Amendola has dropped the ball in College Hill. His carport is on a slippery slope as far as historical integrity is concerned.

So far, the mild winter of New England has coincided with the mild offense of Tom Brady lately. Amendola’s folly is undone by a lack of snow in New England this winter.

Amendola plans to remove the offensive carport at season’s end when downy flake will melt away.

 

 

Brady Overcomes the Air Pressure and Whoosh of the Jets

DATELINE: Flight of Jets Cancelled

Featured imageBrady Takes Down Jets

Tom Brady declared today’s game a “no fly zone,” thereby grounding the Jets.

However, it was his own flight pattern that found itself pulverized by a bad case of dropsy among his receivers. Even sure-handed Julian Edelman could not corral a fastball that reached him on the goal line. As a result, the Patriots were breathing heavy until the fourth quarter.

Among the worst offenders of the day was Brandon LaFell returning from a long stint of being unable to play. We had a news flash during the game. He was still unable to play. Fortunately Danny Amendola was airborne for every catch.

If Bill Belichick is any judge, we may have witnessed the rise and fall of La Fell. To drop one pass is human; to forgive would be divine. To drop six passes (out of a team group of nine) would require an act of the Supreme Court of the United States to order Belichick to withhold his eternal damnation.

Brady’s wife is above suspicion and last time something like this happened she was overheard saying her husband could not catch AND throw the ball. When Gronk caught the ball, he carried the ball and Jet players too.

He could run it, though, being a big rusher of the day, including a touchdown. Not bad for an old man who lost his razor blade sometime during the week.

Perhaps Tom is hiding those little scars he picked up in Paris over the summer. But, when he turned on his scalpel during the fourth quarter, the Jets were not only grounded, they were under investigation by the FAA.

Yes, the Patriots beat the nefarious Jets with their new non-nonsense flight pattern. It didn’t matter. Brady always goes first class and travels with only a toothbrush. The Pats’ mechanics caused engine problems, and the local birds flew into the Jets’ flight path.

Now toward a short week and the revamped and rejuvenated Dolphins.

Danny Amendola, By Any Other Enunciation

DATELINE: WHIMSY

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What’s His Name?

A slight controversy broke out among the lingua purists in Boston sports. That means about five people are talking about it.

Jim Nantz, CBS anchor and likely best of their NFL broadcasters, suddenly started pronouncing the name of Danny Amendola with a twist of lemon.

Perhaps those marbles in his mouth made Jim Nahntz sound like Miss Jane Hathaway, Milton Drysdale’s bank secretary from Beverly Hills.

Nantz suddenly took to calling Danny “AHHH, man, dola.”

This seems to fly in the face of the everyman diction of “Am-man-dola.”  We are not sure if Nantz had an epiphany or an enunciation before breakfast.

Musical fans may note, Amendola’s name is like West Side Maria. Say it softly and it’s almost like praying:  “Amen, dollar.”

We, being swells of long standing, prefer the correct pronunciation,  “Ahhh, mahhnnn, doler.”

Dog pound fans no doubt would call him anything, just not late to the paycheck distribution. After the final botched catch of the Miami game, some may want to call him “Oh, man, droppa-dollar.”

We consulted our long-time colleague and mentor, Professor Henry Higgins, to find the most appropriate manner to refer to a Smurf-sized Wes Weckler replacement.

Higgins told us, “Hurricanes seldom happen in Hereford.”

So, we turned to the outgoing Mayor of Malapropism, Mr. Menino of Boston. He gave us the only acceptable fan pronunciation:  “Any-man-will-drop-it.”

Tom Brady privately refers to his receiving corps by the scatological regionalism of New England. Amendola roses by any other name will still smell.

 

For those football fans who read books, there is NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, the unheralded account of the 2012 team from start to finish. Available in softcover at Amazon.com.

Bad News, Bad Backs, and Bad Receivers for the Patriots

DATELINE: HUMOR!

ImageGronk, irrepressible danseur at any Vegas style venue, and Kung fu fighter par excellence, suddenly has developed Jacoby Ellsbury syndrome.

Unnamed Gronk advisers are reporting that they don’t want to rush him back because of his back. The anonymous powers on the Gronk staff are likely his brothers and father. The family has become a corporation more like a nuclear unit on the order of Three Mile Island.

Gronk has every reason to hold back if he thinks his career may be shortened by another premature entrance into a minor game.

Yet, he told teammates he was ready to go early in the week. Indeed, Belichick’s advisers apparently thought he was a go—but where has Gronk gone?

Danny Amendola is another scratch because of the healing itch near his groin.

The Patriots will mislead fans, media, and especially opponents all week rather than report that Gronk or Amendola is nowhere near ready.

Gamblers, high rollers, and average bettors are now stymied at the roll of the dice. The Patriots look like losers in more ways than one Gronk. Fearmongers may now sound the alarm.

Though it was no lock that Gronk dressing and playing guaranteed a victory, it may have improved the mood of Patriot Nation. Right now the Patriot optimism is about as low as at Valley Forge. And, Bill Belichick is no George Washington.

As the first month of the season draws to a close, the performance on a road game before 25% of the season is on the docket becomes big in terms of emblematic value and actual playing ability.

The names on the jerseys will not be changed to protect the innocent, but the guilty may wish they were incarcerated with a former teammate.

For more insights into the Patriots, you can’t go wrong by reading NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, available on Amazon.com.

Amendola Treated by Witch Doctors & Voodoo Experts

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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Robert Kraft has spared no expense in finding a way to put Danny Amendola back on the field as soon as possible.

The Patriots have decided to use alternative methods of medicine, usually seen in the New England area around the Red Sox whose assortment of Achilles tendons, Tommy John funny bones, and sleep apnea, has healed well to make a last-place team of 2012 a contender in 2013.

With the Patriots receiving corps depleted and with only untried rookies dropping balls and dropping like flies, the Patriots went to the best medical minds they could find. They needed a quick cure and went through the Red Sox medical staff always ready for the weirdest injuries.

On call, as usual, are acupuncturists who stuck needles in Amendola’s groin to cure him. This seemed to aggravate his muscle-bound abductors who increased the demands on their kidnap note.

Amendola seemed to be more in favor of massage therapy, as recommended by Troy Brown on a local sports show.

Next came the Red Sox clairvoyants who noted that the injury was induced by someone like Rex Ryan sticking pins in a doll right before the game.

The best chanters of the Caribbean were called upon to sing a cure and hum a few bars over the offended groin area—and Amendola responded to treatment with alacrity.

As a result, the Patriots now believe Danny does not need to go under the notorious Gronk knife, a silver plated scalpel that has sliced up Rob Gronkowski’s back and arm several times.

Amendola was less than enamored of the idea of a scalpel cutting along the dotted line near the family jewels. Instead, a flight from Lourdes arrived in time for Amendola’s shower.

The miraculous cure included a cold sponge bath with holy water. It did the trick. He will return in several weeks.

For more insights into the New England football team, you will want to read NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED, now in softcover and ebook formats on Amazon.com.