Celtics Send Cousin IT Packing to LeBronWorld

DATELINE:  $$ Talks to Celtics

 Thomas & Tom In Happier Days

Wowie Zowie, the Celtics are not letting the Patriots run for another championship without a Boston competition. We may have to renew our season tickets to the Celtics this year.

It now appears that Isaiah Thomas, Cousin IT himself, who has worked assiduously to improve the team and lure free agents to Boston, now is being sent to the glue factory in Cleveland. He became a folkhero for playing a day after his sister died–and his just reward has come in payback form.

Yes, Cleveland’s the place where both Kyrie Irving and LeBron James want to escape from more than ever.  It is tantamount to Napoleon’s exile island.

Thomas reportedly has a bad hip. As any senior citizen can tell you, a bad hip is the first indication that a nursing home in Cleveland may be on your itinerary.

Kyrie Irving will come to Green-land where Brad Stevens is the coach of choice for superstars who want to be appreciated.

Together with Gordon Hayward, we may have quite new 2007 dream team when Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett showed up and chewed up the league.

Now we understand why Danny Ainge held off on bringing Hayward to Boston for a dog and pony show. He had another big star in the wings to join in the fun. Whether another big star may be in the offing seems unlikely, but this is now the year of unexpected Trumps, and not always in bridge.

We still wonder where the big men are, as Danny keeps dispatching them to Westworld, or some other limbo.

If Kevin McHale is not coming out of retirement, perhaps we will yet see Kevin Durant in green. In the meantime, the Boston Celtics ask, “What have you done for us lately?”

 

 

 

Fake Celtics News by Boston Media

DATELINE: Trading Off Media Fakersaging-ainge

Donald Trump would understand what Danny Ainge is going through.

Boston sports pundits and experts are raking aging Ainge over the coals because he made no trade at the NBA trade deadline on Thursday.

This is fake news at its worst.

Boston sports media maroons spend endless hours, speculating on inconceivable trades. They have done so for months. They use these fake stories, rumors, and speculations, to fill hours and hours of empty hot airtime on radio and TV.

Now, because there is no trade, the sports pundits begin to look like fools.  Heaven upend, they are fools.

Sports network pundits and their endless overpaid existence must be justified. Hence, there are brutal attacks on Ainge for not making a trade—and not making the alleged smart guys look smart. They want blood now, not a trade.

They are attempting to roil up the fans, lest someone note these emperors of airtime have no clothes.

We suspect Ainge has been burned by the Kendrick Perkins trade so many years ago. It undercut and devastated the chemistry of the Celtics team back then. Who can blame him for being cautious?

Boston has a team of interesting Celtics players, doing far more than anyone could expect. We always like to accept what is on the court and play with what we have, rather than not play at all.

Boston Celtics Bite the Dust at NBA Draft

DATELINE: All Done in June

how smart is this guy?

Not So Smart After All

It was the bottom of the ninth, and the bases were loaded. Oh, wait, it was draft day—and the Celtics had the third pick.

For weeks the media dogs have been baying at the Moon. They knew the gypsy caravan of Danny Ainge was about to steal somebody’s star from under the bridge.

A funny thing happened on the way to the war room.

The Mighty Ainge struck out.

You really cannot predict what teenage prospect of basketball will turn out to be the next Kobe, Bird, or Paul Pierce. You win some, and you lose some. But, the fans expected something big.

They expected to hit the heights, and oh what heights they hit. It was the epitome of discontent—and winter is still six months away.

The charming young chess whiz, Jay-B, or Jaylen Brown promised he would strive for the heights. He might as well have been speaking of Brooklyn Heights. Call this another mysterious light in the night sky.

Celtics fans felt like someone had told them an exoplanet was in the Goldilocks Zone. It was telling them the next banner was light years away.

The highly vaunted picks that Ainge hoarded like gold bullion at Fort Knox turned out to be more like what King Midas was left with after he cried, “Enough!” And, the fans sent a cacophony of boo to greet the messengers.

Who were these picks?  You couldn’t trade them for Rajon Rondo and a ticket to the Greta Garbo Film Festival.

The Mighty Ainge has struck out—and waiting for next year is not yet an option. We stuck our thumbs into the pie and found ourselves plumbing the depths.

Humorist Finds No Jokes in New Celtics Season

Featured imageDon’t We Wish?

Celtics may want to try free throws from the opposite end of the court.

Trying to in-bound a ball with milliseconds left in the game, Jae Crowder tossed up a court length pass. It had the unfortunate fate of actually going through the net.

If Crowder were in one of those half-time contests, he might have won a car or some chain link fence. Alas, during a game, such a titanic achievement merely resulted in a turnover—and hardly the apple turnover of his coach’s eye.

On the sidelines, Brad Stevens seemed to be stifling a chuckle. That is if he were holding in a whimper.

Yes, indeed, the promising Celtics season of 2015 has gotten off with a bang all right: it’s like an explosion in the engine room. One wag of a Boston writer said the early defeats were a wake up call. Well, you should be awake in the first week of the season, or are we hopeless and cockeyed optimists?

Crowder, one of the bright lights of last season, now is a starter with a new contract. It seems to have worked wonders—he is now sleepwalking through his success.

We had given these new Celtics a week or two to rekindle our waning embers. It’s cold in here, Mr. Scrooge, and Danny Ainge Scrooge has not provided us with any superstar to spark the team. We never saw a big trade this summer, and we see not much now.

We may abandon this ship before the rats this year. We see a potential laughingstock, but few precious laughs.

Celtics Future Clear: Considerations & Draft Picks

DATELINE: Stockpiling the Future Asset

Randy Scott

Danny Ainge’s cockamamie plan is now clear.

He intends to trade every player on the team for future draft picks.

If another NBA team wants a player on the Celtics roster, Ainge will do what he can to accommodate a trade. Nothing will come back to Boston in return—only future considerations.

Like ghosts on the Outward Bound ship to the afterlife, the new Celtics will feature empty spots on the bench.

You may think the Celtics will be short-handed, having sent everyone who can score (or even play) to another team. That’s a mere technicality. All that would remain on the bench would be injured players and fans who think they can play better than the present roster.

If the Celtics have no players, there will be great cost savings on salary for the next two years. Ainge has discovered that future considerations do not require a monthly paycheck.

This could save the team about $75 million each season.

Since the Celtics play to lose just about every game on the schedule, this fits right in with a plan to divest the Celtics organization of everyone except Brad Stevens.

As a groundbreaking strategy, the Celtics would become the first team in the history of professional sports to have no one on the roster.

They would have plenty of speculation and fan input for what players would eventually don the green uniform in two or three years. The team could open the TD Garden doors every night for a guest high school team to come to play an NBA game.

Fans might not see much difference from what has been on the parquet so far this season.

Love Game, NBA Love

DATELINE: HUMOR

Rondo Finds Love

Jilted

Basketball in the NBA has returned in a big way.

Greg Oden has been arrested for punching his girlfriend, and Kevin Love has escaped to Cleveland after punching the Boston Celtics in the nose.

Can this be the end of Rajon Rondo? When Love picks King LeBron James over the princely Rondo, you have the fairy tale upside down. It’s like Maleficent has become a figure of sympathy. What? You say she already has?

If this is the bad news in August, we dread to think what pre-season will bring the Celtics.

If Love has gone to Cleveland, the Red Sox have gone to hell. And, Orpheus Cherington will not be able to retrieve them this season, and maybe not next.

Some rumors are insisting that Danny Ainge, braintrust of the Celtics, may turn again to one of his close basketball friends for a deal that can save his bacon one more time.

Kevin McHale once sent Kevin Garnett to the Celtics as a godsend, and now Ainge must call upon his pal over at the Indiana Pacers. Will Larry Bird be as generous?

We would never want to start a horse trade with Larry, one of the shrewdest men ever to play the hayseed card. But perhaps he will take pity on Danny Ainge and send some decent players back to the Celtics—like Roy Hibbert.

Unfortunately if that were the case, Rondo will not be here in the greeting game. Like Jon Lester, Rondo may be ready to make an announcement that he will consider re-signing with the Celtics after next year.

Yeah, right. Just like Paul Pierce.

Well, we’ll always have Brian Scalabrine.

Kevin Love Center of Boston Conspiracy!

DATELINE: CONSPIRACY THEORY

 Rondo Finds Love

When Kevin Love receives a game time meeting with Rajon Rondo at Fenway Park, a postgame meeting with Gronk of the Patriots, and receives an advice tweet on living in Boston from David Ortiz, you have the sense that a conspiracy is afoot.

Kevin Love was in Boston for one weekend, but he met with everyone except the Mayor. He didn’t get the key to the city, but he may have the keys to the kingdom—or at least a luxury condo next to Tom Brady’s digs on Commonwealth Ave.

Forget UFOs hidden by the U.S. government. The Boston Celtics are involved in one of the great conspiracies of our age. They intend to pull up the Brink’s truck next to the Timberwolves and steal Kevin Love.

Whitey Bulger may have been in cahoots with the FBI as an informant, but the Boston Celtics are in cahoots with Love’s agent.

If there is to be a conspiracy, you know that the Celtics will also sign the other major client of Love’s agent. His name happens to be Paul Pierce, and he is available for a return to Boston. His massive McMansion is on the market, but not yet sold. He could share it with Kevin Love if he doesn’t sell it to Love.OBAMA & ORTIZ

Last time the Celtics stole a Timberwolf off the endangered species listings, his name was Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge is partial to signing men named Kevin.

As far as conspiracies go, when the New England weather cooperates with Love’s weekend visit by providing ideal conditions, you know that something big is happening behind the scenes.Gronky

Putting Suspense on Hold: Celtics Dangle For a Year

RondoBulksUpDATELINE: DEADLINE

The long Celtic National nightmare is nearly over.

The Celtics’ season started whimpering about a month ago, and now will end weeks sooner than any time in the past eight years.

Despite playing teams even or leading in the first three quarters of dozens of games, the Celtics have collapsed in the final month with their longest losing streaks.

Those who covet low draft picks are squealing with delight, though there is no guarantee that one of the top picks will bestow positive results within three years.

Sometimes picks never pan out.

The Celtics have backed the wrong horses once too often this year. They are two or three players away from winning, but they must divest themselves of the losing chips that so many fans love.

The prevailing winds seem to be in the direction of ridding the team of upward of half the players to collect a few key veterans.

The Celts may well have five starting players with designs on the Hall of Fame again in a year or two.

A season without big stars is a season Rondo would like to forget. At the height of his career, his body kept him on the shelf for much longer than expected or hoped. The season was lost when he did not return when some expected in October, or November, or December.

At the peak of his career, he found his talents squandered. Yes, it was a designer year—expected crash to set up a rebuilding in a short tenure. If not, Rondo may want to move on.

Why should Rondo want to stick around? The short answer is for the same reason Paul Pierce did not demand a trade seven years ago. There is hope leader Danny Ainge will find a way.

In the meantime, Celtics dangle from the nose of Lincoln at Mount Rushmore or from the fingertips of Lady Liberty, like a Hitchcockian thriller. Falling is not an option.

 

Celtics Disdain Lottery Picks for Trade Chips

jelly O'Sully SUPERSTAR Jelly O’Sully

 DATELINE: HUMOR

 

Danny Ainge has spent two years collecting draft picks like a teenage girl collects Valentines.

Now he dismisses the entire concept of draft picks as overhyped.

He never had any intention of picking a new rising star. The Celtics don’t care about that—and their refusal to “tank” has proven that, much to the consternation of media insiders who don’t know anything about the Celtics strategy—even when it looks right at them.

Danny Ainge has already proved his template for success. This summer he will trade draft picks for superstars. He did it before, and he will do it again.

People seem to forget he created instant champions when he procured Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. He will be scouring the ranks of other teams and sending them draft lottery Valentines to win the best players possible.

Rebuilding with a lottery star takes years and is a crap shoot.

Winning with proven stars merely takes creating some chemistry in preseason. Danny has some experience in discerning what players will get along with what players.

He knows who wants to be in the Rondo camp—and if the cannot find stars of that proclivity, he may send Rondo packing and restock with chemically altered superstars.

Danny already has his young stars—Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger. Jelly O’Sully is the tandem that will be at the core. A year under their belts will make them the reason a championship is around the corner.

Perhaps Paul Pierce will return to give more shape to the proceedings.

Brad Stevens is now the magician and alchemist who will take what Danny gives and weave it into the gold standard of instant championship.

 

 

Rondo Hung Out to Dry

 DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

 RondoLaughs

When Yogi Berra famously stated, “It ain’t over till it’s over,” he had not met Rajon Rondo.

When it comes to Rajon, it’s never over—unless you are talking about the Boston Celtics season.

Just this day, Danny Ainge, who had put Rondo’s birthday bash to bed, woke up the story again for a reprise.

Ainge gave a radio interview in which the Celtics main man in the front office praised Rondo as if he were dead.

Yes, when you receive accolades from your boss after making a bonehead move, your days may be fewer than the hairs on Kevin Garnett’s head.

Those who like a good Shakespearean parallel might note that Danny doth protest too much, like Hamlet’s mother.

If the good is interred with your bones, Rondo will have a big Celtic send-off when he is traded at the end of the year.

Advised not to go to his birthday party with Mother, Rondo ignored his coach and the President of Basketball Operations because no good deed goes unpunished.

And no birthday goes unattended.

Ainge told Rondo that there would be cake and ale at the birthday, but there would be crow and turkey at the next press stopover.

Rondo never met a situation that required his apology, and embarrassing his new young coach certainly did not set a new precedent for sorrow.

A few others said Rondo regretted his action, and others said Rondo learned his lesson. But the horse’s mouth was closed tighter than Mr. Ed’s lips when Wilbur wasn’t around.

The Captain of the Celtics was beginning to look like Captain Dreyfuss or worse, Captain Hook.

As if to grease the Rondo skids, Jared Sullinger continues to be the media spokesperson for the team.

Rondo Lets Them Eat Birthday Cake

DATELINE: BIRTHDAY CANDLES

rondox2

Mother of Mercy, can this be the end of Rondo?

The mercurial Boston Celtics star Rajon Rondo was not scheduled to play in the back-to-back game in Sacramento.

It was also his birthday. So, as the logic goes, he decided to skip the team flight and stay in Los Angeles to celebrate his natal day.  If you are looking for logical explanations, you might be advised to avoid NBA point guards.

RondoBulksUp More birthday cake, please!

Talk about being born yesterday!  Rondo seemed oblivious to any kind of issue with his skipping the jet jump up the California coast.

Like Marie Antoinette facing the guillotine, Rondo told the assembled media in regard to his teammates, “Let them eat birthday cake.”

Rondo has always been an advocate of noblesse oblige, which may be a term too fancy for Celtics fans and parvenu media members. We use the royal “we” only slightly less than Rondo.

We don’t think Rondo sees himself as the Queen of Sheba, but many others now most certainly do.

If you want to create an atmosphere that greases the skids to the summer lottery and a trade to heaven knows where, Mr. Ainge, then Rondo is on his way.

Watch that first step, Rajon. It falls out of the captaincy and into oblivion.

Though Rondo saw the hullaballoo as a tempest in a teapot, Trader Danny Ainge was less trivialized. He plans on speaking to Rondo when returns to Boston. This is about serious as Ward calling the Beaver into his study.

We expect Rondo to be given forty lashes with a wet noodle, grounded for a week, and forbidden to read GQ magazine for a month. Ainge is a hard taskmaster.

Of course, the real punishment will be forthcoming when Rondo will be sent packing in the summer when the trades come fast and furious.

Be sure to read RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR to best follow the royal headaches suffered by Rondo at the hands of cruel fans. Available on Amazon.com for smart readers.

Trader Danny Ainge Becomes a Traitor to the Tank Set

 DATELINE: Tanks but No Tanks

 blacklist

This is not Danny Ainge.

Boston Celtics honcho Danny Ainge did not trade anyone at the NBA deadline.

As a result, he is being vilified as if he had punched Larry Bird in the nose when he walked through that door.

The good sports fans that advocate tanking would be known as cheats in another context.

A grab-bag of sports radio people in Boston continue to assault Ainge and harangue him for not hanging Rondo out to dry.

There is an assumption out there that a low lottery number requires tanking the team. And, as the false analogy goes, a low number means an instant superstar on the roster. Just add water. Hunh?

History has already condemned these illogical media folk.

These people are indignant that the Milwaukee Bucks are a worse team than the Boston Celtics and will reap the rewards. Never have the loser advocates been quite so strong in the absence of gray matter.

EINSTEIN'S PICK This is not a member of the Boston media.

What makes matters worse is that these self-same experts are not watching the games: too torturous to see Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk developing.

Of course, these self-same experts will in a few years claim to be the ones who witnessed the miraculous transformation of the young players into superstars.

sullinger

This is not a loser.

And when these experts and insiders trade Rondo, they have not figured out that this leaves a void. Or perhaps they do know that their next line of attack will be that the Celtics don’t have a point guard of Rondo’s caliber any more.

We do not suffer fools gladly, nor at all. Please send these media experts to Milwaukee where they will be at home and can be sautéed in their own juices.

 

High Functioning Sociopath Controls Fate of Jelly O’Sully

DATELINE: HUMORImage

The rising Celtics stars were together, starting, which is more than they have done on their hometown team. Coach Brad Stevens has not started both Kelly Olynyk and Jared Sullinger at the same time.

In the warmup bout to the NBA All-Star game, Jelly showed their flavor.

Sullinger began with a couple of three pointers that seemed to stun the crowd, and Olynyk also scored after stealing the ball. He was pickpocketed as well.

We really did not see much defense, and we were more puzzled by the player with the unibrow who seemed to receive the most cheers. Someone on the broadcast alluded to the fact that he played for the New Orleans Pelicants.

It was a hometown prejudice.

Sullinger made a few court-length passes, but by then we were already short of interest in this fake game. We had seen what we wanted, and now it was showtime according to the NBA scriptwriters.

These games are by nature faked versions of exhibition. How could we expect more? We needed to be happy that our Celtics boys, Jelly O’Sully, had made it out of town despite the Nor’Easter that blocked most airport travel.

We humbly await the day that Kelly and Jared are honest to goodness All-Stars, chosen because they won a couple of banners.

However, in the middle of the night, we awake in a sweat, fearful that Danny Ainge, a high functioning sociopath if ever we saw one in the NBA, as they call all Vice Presidents of basketball operations, could trade one or both while out on the west coast this week.

Gulp hard, fans.

Rondo Hasn’t a Pound of Flesh to Spare on His Team

 DATELINE: The Merchant of TD Garden

pillsburyRondoBulksUp

The Media following the Boston Celtics is demanding a pound of flesh from the team, but there doesn’t seem to be an ounce of mercy to go around. If you prick Rajon Rondo, does he not bleed?

Only Jared Sullinger has the courage and innate ability to dress up in drag to deliver the news.

sullinger devil in a black dress

The quality of Rajon Rondo’s minutes is not strained, but riseth, like the gentle rain from heaven upon the starting lineup.

The Celtics are twice blest; Rondo blesses him that gives up the ball and him that takes a clever pass.

Alas, there are no mighty players around Rondo. He is a dethroned superstar better than those around his crown.

His game shows the force of temporal power. Great assists are meant usually to give awe and majesty, making his opponents quiver in dread and fear.

If Rondo’s season provides Celtics justice, consider this: none of us shall see salvation with this team, nor see the playoffs.

We therefore do pray for mercy, and that prayer doth teach us all to render a lottery pick this summer.

Rondo may continue to play thus much to mitigate the flaws and talents of the hapless Celtics, which if fans follow to mitigate the strict court of the NBA’s forthcoming lottery,  and mercy must needs give sentence against Coach Brad Stevens.

Apologies to Shylock Ainge and Will Shakespeare.

True fans will check out the folio called RAJON RONDO & THE GREEN NEBULA, now in softcover and ebook at Amazon.com.

Boston Celtics One Step Closer to Atomic Wedgie

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 Image

Yes, indeed, the West Coast road trip for the Boston Celtics against the NBA iron teams has proven to be the debacle astute observers predicted. Yet, losing is not always a yardstick of disaster.

Gerald Wallace contended a sour road trip had the ability to destroy the team, though we know that capability belongs only to Trader Danny Ainge.

 

The Celtics leader has taken one step in that direction by dismissing Courtney Lee, but the losses out in the darkest night for Boston gives Danny the atomic wedgie button. And he now will push it as the pressure of a first-place team descends the ladder to the Ninth Circle of Hell.

 

Rumors insist that one of Brad Stevens’s protégés Gordon Hayward from Butler is now available for a high price. We suspect that if Danny asked him, Brad said, “Pretty please.”

Mind you: the Celtics did not play badly in all those West Coast games, losing several by close scores to better teams. The players gave it their all, but were missing one superstar to make a difference.

Whether that star’s Gordon or Rajon, we are sure Stevens would not be fussy.

The issue is whether Ainge wants to part with the plethora of high draft picks he has collected like a philatelist gone amok.

The price of stamps is rising this month, and the price of winning NBA games may be more expensive too.

The lottery is pie in the sky, and Danny already has a track record for adding water to create instant contenders as he did with Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. It may be time to heat the water and send the draft picks packing.