Dancing on a Shoestring: Gronk Taps Out an SOS

DATELINE:  Dangers of Dance Fallout?

 Gronk Undone!

If you don’t know the fancy moves of Gronk by now, you need a lesson in Dancing with the Stars.

In one of his latest publicity hound antics, Gronk chose to cheer with the Los Angeles Lakers girls. Yes, He prefers gold to Green, you Celtic fans.

You might recall seeing Gronk at games watching the likes of Kevin Garnett and Rondo, but that’s ancient history. He has grown into a first-rate Laker girl.

Those cheers you hear are not from the Bronx, but from the South Boston where True Believers think the Earth is flat and Gronk will return to the Patriots.

If Gronk wants to make a comeback, it will be in movies. He expects his latest film with Mel Gibson will be out before you can say Super Bowl hype.

Though Gronk seems a movie mogul’s dreamboat, he seems more to prefer spending time on Madison Ave. Quicker paychecks, fewer lines to remember, and more fans at the social media.

Like Marlon Brando, Gronk requires one take only and someone to whisper his lines in his ear. That’s why he prefers scenes where guns are blazing.

Every few weeks Gronk tells us that he has a big announcement, but it turns out to be a new product endorsement.

We are on record to wish Gronk stays healthy, avoids concussions, and has fun with fans and media. He remains a loveable lug, and we forgive him for exposing himself needlessly to Los Angeles TV producers who attend Laker games.

If you don’t realize that he admires Jack Nicholson and wants a part in his latest movie, you may not know that Jack—like Gronk—is permanently retired

 

 

Dancing with Sharks for Ryan Lochte

 DATELINE: Tutu Much!

 

dwts

Lochte’s dancing routine did not go swimmingly on TV last night.

Ryan Lochte tried to dance a foxtrot on Dancing with the Stars, but he found himself hounded by his irresponsible past.

DWTS is usually a pabulum moment when irresponsible stars can dance their way out of controversy and into the hearts of America.

Political lightning rod and Texas governor Rick Perry managed to avoid protesters for his two-step, but Ryan Lochte was not so lucky.

Perhaps it was the choice of dance music. He used “Call Me Irresponsible” for his premiere appearance, which poked tutu much into the eye of America.

The protesters rushed the stage, but were armed only with the danger of our times:  frightful terror. We recently saw a live TV show depicted in movies, Money Monster, where a gunman took over the live broadcast.

Tonight the two arrested men had no guns. Was this a publicity stunt to make the show more lively? Will this increase the ratings?

Will Ryan Lochte want to return?

The swimmer was trussed out in his best John Travolta Saturday Night Fever leisure suit, but his time tripping the light fantastic turned ugly. Reports are he was shaken, not stirred by the incident.

Lochte did not give a press conference where he stated a gun was held to head and he was robbed. Yet, we have the feeling a gun of metaphor was at his head—and he was robbed of his attempt to live a life of innocent entertainment.

Ryan Lochte Dances Up a Storm

DATELINE: Highway Robbery

duh

With word that Ryan Lochte may join Dancing with the Stars TV show, we have our tutus ready. The Brazilian police in Rio want Ryan to dance to a different drummer—and want him back in Rio.

There is no better way to wash that scandal right out of your hair than to appear on that feel good TV show that every oldster in America appreciates. So, we doubt he will return to the scene of the alleged crime.

We have no idea if Ryan Lochte can do the double step, the Texas two-step or the proverbial two-face but those dance moves can be learned. Dance time in a Brazilian prison for a year may be like a bad line dance.

Dancing with the Stars always likes to take a bold, controversial athlete and put him through his paces. He usually fits in right next to the aging movie star and the son or daughter of a secondary forgotten celebrity.

In that way Lochte is the perfect candidate to be voted out on the first week. We all know that the voting has nothing to do with talent or a ability to do the soft shoe. It has to do with popularity. It’s like running for king of the prom or president of the United States.

With a plethora of third rate crooked and otherwise dubious athletes available for a selection other than Lochte, we find the choice of Ryan to be rather a bad tango with infamy.

We understand that Aaron Hernandez has time on his hands to choreograph a dance routine.

DWTS Finds a Deflated Football Star

DATELINE: Dance Humor

thank you, ESPN  Uhoh

 

 

As our football offseason blends into baseball spring training, we thought the Patriot shot of Gronk would trip over the light fantastic.

Nope. The cast for the next season of Dancing with the Stars, or DWTS as the purists call it, seem to have forgotten all the promises to offer a dance chance to Gronk.

Gronk, whose unchoreographed moves look like a ninja fight gone wrong, has been bypassed. Usually he takes the pass, but this time DWTS takes the cake and hands it off to the other football player available.

You can always count on a retired athlete to dance up a storm on the show for a few paltry weeks. So, the producers of the hit tap danseurs went in another direction.

You could say they have kept the tempo up to date. As we have been passed the envelope, we now can read the winner: it’s Michael Sam!

Yes, the NFL wanna-be star who was cut sometime during the season after being drafted as a last minute political choice. He had signed with Oprah for a series delineating his fame. Alas, fame is fleeting. Well, unless you can prance along the sidelines with the aplomb of a caged disco queen.

Michael Sam will be our favorite, odds-on choice for DWTS. You may quibble that he is not a star, but neither was Bristol Palin.

Stars are no longer limited to MGM casting calls. They show up at supermarket openings and reality TV shows.

Michael Sam’s star has just ascended, and the Gronk has been eclipsed.