Tom Brady’s Successor

 DATELINE: Patriotic QB Gore

CK The Next Patriot QB?

Failing to find a Baker or a Mayfield at the NFL draft, so long, Baker Mayfield, or Baking Maybe, it looks like the Patriots of New England may be in a “heads, you lose/tails, you lose” situation when it comes to Tom’s follow-up.

It’s beginning to look like a basketball game after the NFL draft, and the Patriots need a sixth man to spell Tom Brady as he reaches into his Social Security years.

To save their 40s old quarterback, the Belichick team may need to sit him halfway through the third quarter of every game, and well into the fourth. Perhaps they merely play him every other game this season.

Or perhaps he sits down when the game is out of hand or in hand. He needs his rest. Keep him hydrated and ready.

In this week’s episode of Grabbing Headlines, Tom Brady himself stated how much he appreciates those who kneel during the National Anthem. His owner Robert Kraft said the same words reportedly to other billionaire owners of NFL teams at a meeting.

If any team is going to tackle the Trump approach, it may be the Patriots. If any team can afford to lose fans who have already given up on football because they hate kneelers (except in church apparently).

The NFL has already lost ten or twenty percent of its racist fans. Good riddance.

Are you listening, Colin Kaepernick?

Perhaps in plan two, the Patriots plan to sign Johnny Manziel of Boy Zeal fame. The playboy QB may take a page out of TB12, or AA, depending on how bad he wants to play football.

The Patriots would swirl in controversy for picking up “bad boys” once again and trying to rehab them to win the Super Bowl. It’s a scenario usually reserved for Hollywood and the Patriots.

 

 

 

 

Trick or Treat, Belichick Style

 DATELINE:  Yes, We Have No Bananas

Did Bill Belichick just put a razor blade in Patriot fans’ apple?  Or like the serpent in the Garden of Eden, did he simply offer the Apple to the Sodom and Gomorrah team of America?

Shock waves continue to reverberate around New England as the man in the Grim Reaper costume goes door to door, locker to locker, looking for another trick to pull.

Tom Brady, youthful optimist, wished another of his long-term second-bananas the best of luck. Poor Jimmy G will need it with the band of merry losers out by the Golden Gate.

The revolving door of quarterbacks likely means that Belichick has another sleight of hand at the ready before the end of trade deadline. We are not privy to the inner machinations of the Machiavelli of football.

We would suggest that Drew Bledsoe will not come out of retirement for the Patriots. Their last-ditch quarterback replacement always was Julian Edelman who is now wearing his costume for the big Day of the Dead festival in Foxboro.

We already let the black cat out of the bag before tossing him into the Charles River by mentioning the name of Brian Hoyer, long-time Shemp to the stooges who wait in vain for Brady to grow old.

Brady is smiling like Alfred E. Neumann because he knows that he will never age and will never lose a step.

Does Robert Kraft have Colin Kaepernick’s smartphone number on speed dial? We await the special prosecutor investigation of the Jimmy G deal.

We Won’t Stand For It Much Longer

DATELINE: Anthem Anathema

 4th at great barn

Call us a legal novice, but we think that suing all 32 NFL team owners for collusion will not help Colin Kaepernick find employment in the NFL.

This is despite some high-profile openings in the position. For example, Aaron Rodgers is out with a broken collarbone. Would the Green Bay Packers be interested in a QB who won a Super Bowl as a stand-in who promised to stand up for the National Anthem? or any team that lost a quarterback to broken bones lately?

Not really. Green Bay, Wisconsin, is next to Frostbite Falls when it comes to political tolerance. You might find yourself a target of moose hunting, as Bullwinkle often noted.

The former 49er probably can blame President Trump as much as anyone for the damnation that Kaepernick is experiencing with sports fans and extremist flag-wavers who think John Phillip Sousa wrote the “Star Spangled Banner.”

If we recall, it was Philip Nolan who cursed the United States in 1812, and was made the Man Without a Country for the rest of his life by the United States, not the USFL or NFL.

Nolan couldn’t play football, and he was mostly fictional from the mind of Edward Everett Hale, whose uncle was named Nathan Hale, and was hanged for his patriotism by our long-time friends, the former British Red Coats.

All is forgiven now, after 250 years when Brits shot Americans at the Lexington-Concord Green.  We fear that Kaepernick’s career will be on the downslide after a wait of 250 years for national forgiveness.

We believe in non-violent protest. Call us an old-fashioned Goldwater Republican because we don’t recognize the people who have hijacked the GOP and the Presidency.

Don’t dun us: our military DD214 allows us to enjoy malpractice at a VA hospital and we can be buried under a flag in a VA cemetery of our choice.

We don’t even like Colin Kaepernick or his wild hair. However, we believe in his right to protest the fear of being shot down in the street by some rogue police officer.

 

 

 

Trump Takes on Superstars of Sport

 DATELINE:  Trump Begins to Rival Dumb & Dumber

Dumb America    King Trump Wears the Crown Well

As one of the Deplorables who voted for President Trump to be our leader, we are frankly becoming more alarmed and embarrassed by our selection.  

Once again at one of the Nazi-style Putsch rallies, Mr. Trump called out and called for firing of any NFL athlete who takes a knee during the National Anthem.  He also slandered private sector workers by calling the knee-jerk protester:  “a son of a bitch.”
 

We are not fans of this particular choice of protest at professional sports events, and certainly not a fan of Mr. Colin Kaepernick, the main instigator. However, we do tend to believe that people have a right to vote and speak freely.
 

If you’re keeping track, this is yet again another case of Mr. Trump calling for a private citizen to be fired from his job for political speech. Not coincidentally, all of these people are black or people of color. That strikes us as disturbing. That does tend to put a dark hue on the President’s darker feelings. Whether you work for ESPN, or the NFL, you have a right to express yourself. 

Trump also denigrated basketball champion superstar Steph Curry by rescinding an invitation given to visit the White House. Curry is what you might call “high-yellow,” the lightest form of being a person of color. Trump did not rescind an invitation to Tom Brady who also did not attend the White House rally. 

Trump’s tirade has caused strange bedfellows to join hands: Roger Goodell has called the President divisive and ignoring all the good done by NFL players. And LeBron James, on the NBA, had more choice words for the leader of the world. 

We are beginning to become worried that the President of the United States wants to dismantle the US Constitution.  

And, as someone who claims he is against white supremacy is he certainly is the pin a boy for that philosophy. 

We suspect we’re not the only ones who were horrified when the president of the United States refers to American citizens as “sons of bitches.”  while advocating firing these concussed people of color who work outside the government. 

Pardon us for saying “yikes.” 

Kaepernick Takes a Knee and the Cake

 DATELINE: Sing-along

little-manLittle Man Among Giant 49ers

We keep wondering what songs could replace the “Star Spangled Banner” before NFL games in order to help Colin Kaepernaeck rise from his torn ACL(U) knee.

Perhaps if marching bands played “Puff the Magic Dragon,” he would be forced to appreciate the legalization of marijuana on his feet.  Perhaps one of the refs could give him a seven count and let him go to a neutral corner.

Perhaps the squatting QB needs the inspiration of Mr. Tambourine Man, helping him by playing a tune just for him. Would Colin rise to the occasion if Bob Dylan sang “Everybody Must Get Stoned” or “You don’t know what’s happening, do you, Mr. Jones?” though we feel that he has a great deal of respect for N’Sync and their hit, “Money, Money, Money.”

Considering his inky body, we think he might respond if the speaker system blared out Groucho Marx singing “Lydia the Tattooed Lady,” with images of Washington crossing the Delaware where on a clear day you can see Alcatraz.

We doubt Kaepernick would stand if Lady Liberty entered the room, or any lady for that matter. His depiction of Manners the Butler has gone the way of Sapington.

Colin won’t even stand by his man, or fellow teammate. Tammy Wynette, not withstanding.

Maybe 76 trombones need to goose him in the wazoo, or he needs Mack the Knife to stick him in a soft spot.

You may want to stand up and cheer next time he throws a touchdown, but you would better be advised to sit on your hands.

It’s hard to “Stand and Deliver” when you are sitting on the dock of the San Francisco Bay.

Setting Your Cap for Colin Kaepernick

Keapernick Uncapped DATELINE: HATS OFF

 

Colin Kaepernick’s off-season just went a little more off the charts. We love to pile on a deserving target.

After being named in a police report involving mysterious naked women at his apartment, hints of date rape, and other assorted kinky dinky stuff, Old Kap has been spotted wearing a Miami Dolphins baseball cap.

This has brought the roofie down.

Not since Tom Brady wore a Yankees cap has there been such a brouhaha minus the haha.

Cap Kaepernick then threw a patented Tweet Twit temper tantrum that he can wear whatever he wants because it’s freedom of speech.

When you’re young and stupid, you never understand the power of fame or social media. Caepernick is young and stupid.

If he were 81 year old Kim Novak throwing a hissy fit over being bullied at the Oscars, we might have some sympathy because she deserves some respect and has been a genuinely undervalued talent for decades.

Kaeperick deserves as much respect as the Loch Ness Monster photos that have not surfaced on Google Maps. He’s swimming under the water, but his wake is seen.

At the rate Kaepernick is going, his wake will be sooner than later.

With former NFL players being indicted for raping women and murdering associates, you’d think young tatt master Colin would be reading some of that Bible verse he has inked up his ying-yang.

Of course, he can’t read words when they’re inked where the sun won’t shine.

Fairy Tales Come True in the NFL

 DATELINE: HUMOR!

Now and then we are able to draw on our vast knowledge of literary characters and find the correct parallel in the NFL.

We have avoided the Princess and her pea this time around, but find that we still have an array of well-known heroines of the fairly tale world whose lives seem to match up well with the fortunes of modern-day young quarterbacks in the playoffs.

Based on the correct match, we believe we can tell the future of the virginal football star about to be baptized by the sackers of yellow flag notoriety.

 Our Heroines

Snow White

Cinderella

Sleeping Beauty

Beauty (of Beast fame)

 Our Heroes:

Andrew Luck of the Colts

RGIII of the Redskins

Colin Kaepernick of the 49ers

Russell Wilson of the Seahawks

Perhaps the easiest match of all is Sleeping Beauty and Andrew Luck. Having been kissed by Chuckstrong, the lithe young QB has awakened from a so-so record to be in the playoff picture. Luck could easily become Beauty (of Beast fame) if he goes on to face Belichick’s minions.

Colin Kaepernick is going to the ball, thanks to his fairy godfather Jim Harbaugh who has provided a pumpkin and ball gown. Of course, Alex Smith as the ugly stepbrother remains cursing in the background. This makes Kaepernick the first Cinderella story in history in which the main character is a tattooed dream date.

Russell Wilson may be looking over his shoulder at stepfather Pete Carroll who may have made a deal with the Beast, sending his lovely QB to play against a monster with dreadlocks, known affectionately as RGIII.

Of course, this fairy tale could be turned upside down easily enough if Robert Griffin III turns into Snow White, defended by the dwarf offensive line, led by their Dopey coach. This could turn Pete Carroll into the evil Queen bringing a poison-laden apple to the game.

Fairy tales generally have happy endings, but this time we foresee some grim tales as half of these anointed stars will be sent packing with no handsome prince coming to the rescue this season. After all, Tom Brady plays for the Patriots.