Red Sox Pitchers Rotate Counter-Clockwise

DATELINE: HUMOR

EINSTEIN'S PICK

Once again we ask the pointed question: why is that the Red Sox have “mentally damaged” pitchers?

The latest victim of the contagious Daniel Bard disease is the bizarre Clay Buchholz. Once a man who dunked his head in Gatorade to pitch better, he is now simply all wet. The way the Red Sox starters toss the ball is re-defining Einstein’s Theory on Relativity.

When Mr. Buchholz goes out to pitch nowadays, the wet job is the infanticide of another Red Sox victory.

With the disappearance of his fellow wet head, Jared Saltalamacchia, Clay is stuck in the mud.

Daniel Bard simply went bonkers on the mound. He wanted to start and then lost his way in the jungle of a five pitcher rotation. Perhaps we’d understand more if Buchholz expressed a desire to be the next Jonathan Papelbon.

The Red Sox pitching counselor of the past decade has been the present manager. John Farrell used to be the Sigmund Freud of the pitching staff. Now he is the Sigmoid Fraud of the franchise.

In case you are wondering what other Red Sox pitchers are looney-toons, we offer Felix Dubront and John Lackey as Exhibit A and B.

All this follows on the heels of whack-job Josh Beckett throwing a no-hitter. It’s not bad for a non-starter. They had to unload Beckett because he was a malcontent, but worse yet, he was the tip of the iceberg. His mania knew no bounds, and it still resonates in the locker room with the present pitching staff.

Can the Red Sox fire the entire pitching staff? Or should they fire the entire front office that brought in this pitching staff? We won’t even bring up Jake Peavy’s weird talk-to-himself on the mound habits.

The only sane pitcher the Sox had, Ryan Dempster retired suddenly in spring training to great acclaim. You begin to see there is a problem here. You begin to realize there is no solution evident.

Red Sox are now thinking about signing rapper 50Cents Curtis Jackson after watching his debut throwing out the first ball for the New York Mets.

 

 

Felix Dubront Joins Clay Buchholz as Pitching Marvel

 DATELINE: HUMOR!

 duh!

Duh!

If you want lessons on parenting, do not ask Red Sox pitchers for any advice.

Last season Clay Buchholz slept near his child and his off-pillow nap cost him nearly the entire season as he was unable to pitch because of a pinched nerve, or pinched brain.

This week another Sox pitcher regaled reporters with his tale of woe. Felix Dubront had to leave the game after six innings because his velocity was nil and his shoulder was aching.

It now appears that he hurt himself trying to extricate his child from a car seat in close quarters shortly before he pitched his regular start.

There is no word on how long Felix will be out, but if Sox precautions take on their usual hue, you may not see Dubront again until the Sox are in the pennant race of September.

Oh, we are being optimistic. There will be no pennant race for this team in September. Dubront who came to spring training overfed a year ago now comes his shoulder in a sling.

Baseball does not give its pitchers a Wonderlic test for good reason. We already know that the Sox will not sign a pitcher unless he can keep his IQ under three digits. There must be some reverse correlation with ERA being under three.

Once again, the Dudley Do-Right of all managers, John Farrell is sent out to face the media and make some feeble attempt to explain moronic behavior as a natural phenomenon of baseball.

Perhaps all pitchers are a bit on the strange side, but the Red Sox have made an art of finding the looniest of the looney and the stupidest of the stupid and planting them on the mound as a franchise player.

 

Red Sox Dance Card Like a Bad Lineup Card

 Unusual Suspicions 

Red Sox Starting Rotation? or Lead-off Hitters?

 

DATELINE: HUMORLESS

We’ve stayed away from the Red Sox for a bit because we don’t want to be accused of casting sticks and stones at the brittle bones of pitching arms.

Apparently we are not the only ones to stay away. Watching the highlight reel will reveal that many empty seats have greeted the Red Sox at home. On the bright side, it keeps the boo-birds from being too loud.

Always a hair’s breath away from .500 as May commences, the Sox have not exactly inspired with inconsistent pitching, or non-existent hitting. Take your pick and have them together.

Lester looks decent, and Lackey has shown flashes of the good and bad Lackey. Lately Clay Buchholz looks like he is climbing out of the Daniel Bard Snake Pit. At least his hair is not as drenched with Kool-Aid. He knows he may have to drink that stuff some day

We see darkly this season all the good Red Sox hitters now play for other teams, and the ones remaining are playing to their standard abilities. It is not 2013, and we are not in Kansas, Dorothy.

We were happy to see Dustin Pedroia become only the second player in Sox history to hit 100 home runs and chalk up 100 base steals. He matched the immortal Yaz with a grand slammer against the A-level As. Half that lineup is as good as former Sox players can make it.

Perhaps May flowers will result from the April deluges. We will keep our distance from Fenway Park unless something funny happens on the way to the funny farm or the forum.

We have not seen such a dour Red Sox bunch since 2011—and we hesitate to tell you how that season turned out.

Lester Pitches with Green Mold Growing on His Glove

 DATELINE: HUMOR!

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Satellite Photo of Lester’s Offending Glove (courtesy of Homeland Security)

With all the speculation that Clay Buchholz is doctoring the baseball, one of the minor league flaks of the St. Louis Cardinals has come out to say that Vaseline was clumped on the inside of Jon Lester’s glove.

Photographic evidence reveals something akin to a melted Gumby inside the glove. MLB says it’s inconclusive, and most of the Cardinal organization is running as fast as a Lester fastball away from the allegation.

Green globules inside the glove could be anything from antifreeze to keep the glove solvent, to a wad of chewed gum.

That the item seemed to glow in the dark has added a level of intrigue to the foreign substance. Lester admitted to the media that the photo looked bad, but refused to say what it was.

He did reiterate that he would do the same thing next time he pitched. The Boston media immediately accepted this as an excuse that served as a denial. It seemed to objective people to be neither an excuse, nor a denial.

Lester would do whatever he has been doing. And, everyone else in MLB happily ignored the byzantine substance and the odder comments by the Sox ace.

As for the National League pennant winners, the St. Louis team has certainly proven they have mastered the notion of rationalizing their defeat. Infielders say the surface of Fenway Park is not standard, and that has caused balls to bounce out of gloves in the infield.

In the meantime, pitchers on both the Sox and Cards scoured the Internet for bargain sales on green goup.

Spitter Up for Clay Buchholz?

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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As the World Series is about to commence, the Red Sox have found a fly in their ointment.

Yes, the buzz is that Clay Buchholz is off his mattress again.

The unicorn of the Sox Glass Menagerie seems to have re-broken his horn. As you may recall, Clay hurt his shoulder by falling asleep the wrong way earlier this year. It resulted in three months on the disabled list.

Now after a semi-triumphant return to the starting rotation, he seems to be on the “Do Not Touch” list again. Another mysterious injury may keep Buchholz off the grass during this Series.

No one wants to put a curse on the happy days and string of feel good moments for the Sox, but if the dirty job falls to anyone, we are ready to take up pillow talk.

Clay apparently still sleeps without memory foam. His shoulder may be acting up like an exploding bottle of sparkling water dumped on his stringy locks. The air bubbles have given him the bends.

No one will go on record to state that Clay is not sleeping right, but what else could make his fast ball take a dip into watery cheese fondu territory? The mouse may take the cheese, but Dennis Eckersley will tell you the cheese takes the game.

With both Jarrod Saltalamacchia having more fluids on their heads than a spitball requires, both Clay and Jarrod have been adding a lemon spritzer to the repertoire of Buchholz’s pitch count all season.

Now with the national spotlight on them, the integrity of the game may be bringing the impressive statistics of Buchholz back down from the lemon/limelight.

The feats of Clay may not include a successful World Series start.

Red Sox Halloween Costume Party

 DATELINE: HUMOR!Image

We are prepared to see every other Trick or Treater on Halloween to be in a Red Sox beard with matching cap and jersey.

This may be the easiest Halloween costume in Boston history, though we yearn for the days when kids dressed as Albert DeSalvo.

The size of the child may determine whether you are looking at a Dustin Pedroia costume or a Mike Napoli suit.

We contend the most difficult of the Halloween costumes this season will be Daniel Nava as the Invisible Man.

Any kid pouring Gatorade on his flowing locks will no doubt be emulating Clay Buchholz, though it will be hard to recreate the crazy look in the eyes without special goggles.

You will be able to tell the Jarrod Saltalamacchia costume because the wearer will have his fingernails painted white, but his stringy locks will be equally soaked.

Some enterprising college students may go out with a pin-cushion strapped to his tailbone with innumerable hypodermics sticking to it. The truly brave will go bareback with the needles reaching home before the candy high can hit.

You may think this is A-Rod in costume, but it could be Ryan Braun, or Jhonny Peralta.

The baseball player in the Yankee uniform carrying a satchel of money will clearly be a Robinson Cano costume.

Unfortunately these unimaginative costumes have been worn all season by the Boston Red Sox. On Halloween night, if there is a game seven of the World Series, these beard costumes will be retired into the Hall of Fame.

Clay Buchholz Requires More Second Opinions

DATELINE: HUMOR!Image

Clay Buchholz may ask for another “second” opinion.

When at first you don’t hear what you want, you need to grow bigger ears.

After consulting with the foremost authority on sports injuries and orthopedic surgery at the drop of a rotator cuff, Clay received the bad news:  he is a certifiable hypochondriac.

If there is an esoteric injury, Clay will find it.  The notorious Bard Disease may need to be christened as part of the Clay Syndrome.

Yes, the man who had esophageal problems last year, and back problems going a weak back now discovers his baby holding techniques are undocumented causes of disability.

In Massachusetts Buchholz is entitled to food stamps and Section 8 Housing.

How crazy is Buchholz? Well, he has collected a salary while not working for nearly two months. David Ortiz must admire such a work ethic after his own style of last season.

No one among the Red Sox ownership has claimed yet that Clay Buchholz has duped them, but by the time playoffs roll around, we may have a better sense of Clay’s feats of clay.

Manager of the Red Sox Dudley Do-Right John Farrell had a hard time not laughing out loud at his daily press conference.  He announced Clay would not be throwing off the mound again soon. If Farrell had tweeted this news, he would have ended the tweet with LOL.

Perhaps Ryan Braun can Fed-Ex some of that testosterone stuff to Clay. The Sox pitcher needs a fix of something to enhance his skinny impotent frame.

In the meantime, suggestions have come forth that Buchholz next should consult with Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung. Clay loves to be in the examining room.

If you want to know more about Red Sox shenanigans, you ought to read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY, or the ever-nasty RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL. Both books are available on Amazon.com.

Clay Buchholz Marches into Medical Oblivion

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Image Whatever Happened to Baby Clay?

The litany of dates of return and postponement has an echo from last season with David Ortiz.

The medical pronouncements are nearly as much gibberish as you can find from doctors with their degrees from the College of Holy Mackerel.

The Red Sox have a penchant for buoyant optimism that seems nowhere near to the truth. When it comes to telling the players and the fans what is going on, the Red Sox always move to the next zip code before the mail is delivered.

Yes, fans, Clay Buchholz has again met a milestone and sailed past it into the territory of some kind of disability. The Sox have constantly avoided that season finality, but the writing is on the cave walls where the Red Sox team doctors practice their voodoo and phrenology.

We have been sold a pig in a poke by the Sox on more than one occasion by this medical staff.  Now the latest Buchholz medical doublespeak sounds more and more like quackery.

Red Sox doctors tend to lose their way in the great desert of medical science.

Just as Ortiz was a few days away from returning from July to the end of the season, so it is for Clay Buchholz, the porcelain doll that seems to crack a little more each season.

When will we hear the truth? Manager Dudley Do-Right John Farrell practiced his latest version of Pontius Pilate this week. We fully expect he will stand up at his next press conference and ask the rhetorical question, “Ah, what is truth?”

The truth is something the Red Sox never face. Baby Clay has a crack somewhere in his head.

 

If you want to read the truth about the Red Sox, try RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL or the more shocking RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY. Both contain a cold look at truth in e-book and softcover, on Amazon.com.

http://williamrusso.us

Red Sox Player Injured While Sleeping

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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Red Sox star pitcher Clay Buchholz is having the year of his life, winning every game so far, up to seven.

Alas, he will not make a stab at number eight on Memorial Day, owing to his mattress.

This is disconcerting for Pedro Martinez and the furniture company that bills itself as the “official”  company of the Boston Red Sox. You may recall seeing Pedro sleeping on a bed in the locker room. He insists he needs his “Beauty Rest.”

Buchholz will miss a start because he slept the “wrong way.”

Yes, now it appears that the Sox pitchers need a training program on the correct way to sleep. Since Buchholz looks like he just rolled out of bed whenever we see him, we are a bit surprised that baseball players have trouble with their sleep habits.

Starting pitchers only wake up once every five or six days to throw the ball. Now we discover that their days off are fraught with danger.

Most people sleep only in a few different positions, we cannot figure out whether the fetal position has done in the Sox starter from Texas.

We worry that memory foam bedding may be too hard for Red Sox players. Not since the Goldilocks scandal of legend have we heard that a pea under the mattress could prevent a good night’s sleep.

Standard equipment for the Red Sox from now on will have to include sheets and pillowcases. Sox pitching staffers are now being told not to fall asleep with the trap door to their union suits wide open.

In the meantime, Sox players will sleep with one eye open.

 

To wake up on the shenanigans of past Red Sox teams, we recommend you read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY. It is available on Amazon.com in softcover and ebook.

Juicy Balls: Clay Buchholz Doesn’t Spit on the Ball

DATELINE: HUMOR!

 

According to one major league source up in the dominions of Canada during a Blue Jay game, Clay Buchholz was juicing.

 

Of course, we are not sure whether it is cranberry juice or orange juice.

 

Jack Morris, former big league pitcher, noticed that something is fishy in the delivery of Red Sox ace Clay Buchholz. In an age when players ingest odd substances to gain an edge, Morris contends that Clay has gone back in history to the spit ball.

 

According to a new theory, Clay is putting a foreign substance on the ball.

 

We notice that in the dugout between innings, Buchholz removes his cap and pours liquids over his long, stringy hair. It looks like he is sweating on the coldest nights. No, he isn’t.  

 

He is drip drying. But, hold on there, fans. What is this stuff he dumps on his head?  He then brushes his hand over his scraggly locks between pitches on the mound.

 

It would be laughable, but his primary catcher, Jarrod Saltalamacchia has taken to the same habit, ritual, or methodology, in the dugout. He dumps a bottle of Old Spit on his head and then goes out to catch the ball.

 

We presume Salty is just odd. After all, he paints his fingernails with whiteout to help the blind pitching staff see his wiggly fingers when he calls for an epheus pitch.

 

Whether the Sox pitchers and catcher are doctoring the ball, or whether the pitching staff is the best in Red Sox history, only a spitball catching umpire will tell.