DATELINE: It Could be Worse
Kevin Garnett’s Empty Home
Go, Northeast, young men.
Horace Greeley had it backwards. Horace Greedy wants all the money he can get.
LeBron James (about to have another turnabout turncoat summer) and Carmelo Anthony (of the rolling contract like a stone) could be looking for new homes.
Did anyone tell them that Kevin Garnett’s home on Golden Pond, a stone’s throw from Walden Pond is on the market?
Did anyone tell them that Kevin Love may be here? and that the only player to give Carmelo wet dreams is Rondo the corner?
We speak of that great metropolis where Leonardo di Caprio and Jack Nicholson have made movies. We speak of the Hub of the Universe—and no, it does not mean you have to play on Mars.
Boston has a plethora of money and draft picks to spread around the NBA. So, what keeps Lebron, Love, and Carmelo, from making Boston their new hometown?
With Rondo having nightly orgasms passing his balls around, the Celtics would surely have another banner tout suite.
Already the naysayers have said nay.
How many fingers can LeBron hold up to count Boston banners for NBA championships? Does he have as many fingers as Bill Russell?
Oh, Paul Pierce is thinking about another year or two, and he too has not yet sold his palatial Boston digs. There are enough bedrooms and bathrooms to let the James and Anthony families share the accommodations.
And, Paul could live there too as a landlord who is no longer absent.
DATELINE: SPORTS SATIRE
With Jacoby Ellsbury knocking people over to get out of Boston post-haste, the Celtics raised the ugly spectre of trading Rajon Rondo, the last of the truly genuine mercurial stars in Boston.
According to conflicting and dueling reports, nobody in the NBA is interested in crippled and rehabbing Rondo, and on the other hand, the Knicks want him. We presume the Knicks are a bunch of nobodies.
Carsmello Anthony has been sniffing around, dropping hints that he has begun a recruiting campaign to bring home the bacon, or at least Rajon Rondo’s good hamhock leg.
For his part, Rondo sniffed away as only he can when told of these efforts. They “must know something I don’t know.”
Celtics GM Danny Ainge contends that no one has expressed any interest in Rondo. His cell phone is coldly sitting in his pocket, and his email has to be checked regularly to see if offers have gone into the spam folder.
Unwanted and unloved is not the most desirable of situations, but Rondo seems to thrive on it. Many of the Boston media constantly refer to the trade deadline in conjunction with any mention of Rondo’s OCD.
Some GMs may have an anathema to taking on obsessive-compulsive and grandeur-laden point guards who limp. We can’t understand why.
The tank is half full of Celtics right now, with different nightly heroes putting the team into first place, especially reborn point guard Jordan Crawford.
No one wants to crow too much about this turn of events, but we will. No one picked the Celtics to win more than ten games all year.
Well, Virginia, they already have nine wins—and Santa Claus has not yet appeared.
Rondo fans must read RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR! and its sequel RAJON RONDO & THE GREEN NEBULA. Both books are available at Amazon.com in softcover.
Noted proctologist and expert in choke holds, Jordan Crawford, the latest irritant in the Celtics universe, seems to have diagnosed a major hole in the game of the New York Knicks.
Being a friendly sort, Crawford tried to give a prognosis to Carmelo Anthony who suffers the most from hemorrhoids after missing the rim all night.
Whether Jordan offered Carmelo a bowl of honey-nut Cheerios or simply an enema, we cannot tell from lip-reading of the video, which serves as Exhibit #1 in the latest flare-up of sphincter alley troubles.
There was another example of NBA diarrhea of the mouth in this game, and the constipation of shots seemed to have rattled the three-point deep thinkers.
At the press conference after the game, noted mellow Melo seemed about as mellow as a three-week old banana. He said in his usual quotable semi-English: “I’m not thinking about no Jordan Crawford.”
Anthony seemed to be missing Cleopatra’s asp. Crawford noted that his sphincter was noticeably tightening up during the game. It takes a real head doctor to tell you what’s happening at the other end.
Jordan professed after the game that he could not understand why the Knicks were consulting him for an opinion when he is clearly not the primary care opponent on this case.
Head of Celtics brain surgeons, Doc Rivers may ban Crawford from the operating room and confine him to the broom closet for the next game.
The Celtics are taking on water faster than it can be bailed.
If you want to bail out the Celtics, have a miracle sent in from Fatima, Lourdes, or the Mount of Olives. Ask Rajon Rondo to put on his superman suit, replete in green.
With the ever-promised playoffs finally here, the Finals are still likely far off for this team. Wait till next year, fans, or sometime later in the decade.
All season opinions centered on avoiding the Heat in the first round, which would have resulted in a departure faster an automatic weapon’s recoil.
There are more clouds of gray in New York than any Russian play could guarantee, in the immortal words of Ira Gershwin.
Now it appears that those pesky bad calls, so often game changers during the season, have come back to haunt the Celtics more than a repeat episode of Ghost Hunters.
Kevin Garnett suffers in the style of a victim from the notorious bad calls of officials. It’s a serial crime against the Celtics; the nature of the officials ought to be called into question, but Jack the Ripper is dressed as Carmelo Anthony in this tale.
Whatever happened to the notion that bad calls only go against novices in the NBA? We presume Garnett is a novice of 17 seasons.
Those who claimed the Celtics were better off without Rondo are now wondering why the team has no point guard.
Maybe this season’s Celtics team is not quite the Titanic, but being on the Lusitania is not a better option.
Yes, rats are leaving this ship with alacrity, taking their storied Green cheese with them.
We have learned what Kevin Garnett said to Carmelo Anthony that Mr. Anthony contends should never be said from one man to another.
Melo, as he often is called in terms of endearment, found that Kevin Garnett had many unpleasant nicknames beyond Melo, or including it. These names may be worse than sticks and stones. They led to the breaking point for Anthony.
One leaked term has now been revealed: Garnett referred to Melo as Marshmallow. Worse yet, he apparently compared Melo to the famous leprechaun cereal, Lucky Charms, which features green flavored marshmallows.
This cereal has implications to the Celtics faithful.
Following this, KG said that Melo tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios, which are fighting words in the NBA.
In stinging rebuke, after watching Downton Abbey, Mr. Anthony told Garnett that he was too tall to be a footman for the aristocratic Crawley family. (This reference, though esoteric, apparently was a plot turning point on the popular PBS series this week).
Garnett allegedly countered by saying Melo must have missed his Breakfast of Champions that morning because he was playing like a man on a steady diet of Fruit Loops.
Cut to the quick, Melo then found himself befuddled when Garnett noted that the fight in Anthony was on a level of a Quaker Puffed Rice quisling.
Elbows flew like macaroni without the cheese when KG added salt to the sugar by claiming Carmelo was like caramel with a big zero added on.
Manliness came under attack finally when KG said that Anthony was a frosted flake that Tony the Tiger would never find “Grrrrrreat!”
Carmelo finally took umbrage over the “empty calories” crack that Garnett added with a flourish as the buzzer sounded to end the game.
The rest, as they say, is like eating soggy cornflakes.
Last night after the game Carmelo Anthony stood over the dead carcass of the New York Knicks and cursed Brutus Garnett.
Unlike Marc Antony, Carmelo took it a step further. He went to the doors of the Celtics locker room at Madison Square Garden and howled at the Moon. Carmelo ranted and raved.
Garnett did not open the window and let the yonder light break over Carmelo. As a result, Carmelo went to the Celtics bus and looked for a fight. He had to be restrained by Knicks coach Mike Woodson who led the babbling maniac away.
We have a transcript of what Carmelo spoke at both locations, and as a service to Knicks fans, we present it herewith:
“Fans, Celtics, bullies, Garnett, listen to me, you fools. I come not to bury the game for we have three more left before playoffs.
I come to bury Kevin Garnett, not praise him. The evil that man does lives after the game. The good is oft interred with the box score. So, let it be for the Knicks.
“The noble KG tells me that I am too ambitious. If true, it’s a grievious fault, and grieviously I have answered it by blowing the game.
“Kevin Garnett is an honorable man. He is not my friend and he was mean to me. Kevin Garnett uses foul language.
“I thrice presented him with elbows to the chin, and thrice he returned the favor. Yet, the officials called a double technical and blamed me. Yes, sure, KG is an honorable man who knows how to win.
“Oh, fans, your judgment favors a brutish beast. It has caused me to lose my reason. Bear with me. My heart is in the loss column, and shouting like a madman helps me recover.”