BILLS PAID FOR THIS SEASON BY PATRIOTS

DATELINE:  BRADY OVERWHELMS GOODELL

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Pregame overconfidence always makes us nervous, and the pundits and blowhards were predicting scores close to 50 to 3 in favor of the Patriots and Tom Brady.

The reality was far more sobering.

We felt like the so-called experts were calling for a Hillary landslide, and the opposition was calling the results “rigged.”  Yes, it is the template for another day in the NFL.

The Bills were fired up—as only a wacky coach can give confidence to his depleted team. And, so, Tom Brady or not, you held your breath any time they came close to knocking over the star Patriot QB.

Eric Rowe, recently acquired, was a one-man penalty machine. However, pass interference is not helpful when the Patriots are called. On top of that, the highly suspect Patriot defense has forgotten to pack up their abacus for the road trip.

In a series of miscounts, the Patriots had too many men, and then too few men on the field. When did we last see that? We will put in a call to Babe Parelli to see if he recalls. We were not overconfident to begin—and we found our optimism under fire.

When the Bills made a first down on a botched punt, we were ready to wave a “terrible” towel.

Of course, we are prone to adamant pessimism. Brady threw for four touchdowns, and the Pats won—and all’s well that ends well.

On to the Bye week.

 

Grayscale Between Jets and Bills: Only the Color Blind Can Tell

DATELINE: no colors

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Color blind fans were blindsided by the Jets and Bills on Thursday night. It didn’t matter if you watched on a big screen, a smartphone screen, or your iPad. If you watched on grandmama’s old black and white TV, you had an idea of the problem.

Someone at the NFL decided it would be great fun to have each team coordinate their look from top to bottom in one color. The Bills took red, and the Jets took green.

The players looked strangely odd at first—and there was no becoming used to the monochromatic look.

The problem was exacerbated by the fact that the teams looked like they were playing in pajamas with footsies. We kept looking for an open trap door. This would have been more colorful than a bunch of men doing the famous “black bottom” dance.

Of course, since somewhere between 5% and 10% of men are color blind when it comes to red/green, they were looking for stripes and and logos to help them determine who was interfering with whom.

In the old days of black and white television, this would never have happened because all gray uniforms required one to have light pants and one to have dark pants. It was the same philosophy that went into the Friday Night Fights.

The witless ninnies at the NFL no longer think of such matters. They stick to surface appearances, whether it’s a deflated football, or little green men from head to toe.

Anyone having trouble telling the teams apart should have simply watched T-Rex Ryan on the sidelines. You’d know instantly what team was unhappy with the referees.

Penalties Equal Penile Time for Bills

 DATELINE: Diction Issues

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With his Buffalo Bills committing more personal fouls than you see at an NFL executive meeting, T-Rex Ryan defended his wild bunch as a group of energized bunnies.

Yes, the acorn does not fall far from the T-Rex. Bombastic Ryan has dropped more media bombs than his team has committed fouls.

Ryan’s players take after him. They play emotionally. Unfortunately for them, emotional disturbances usually require strait jackets, hydrotherapy, or a lockdown. We haven’t seen the men in the white coats visiting the Bills—yet. It may be the fans who are carted off first.

You can count on Rex to blame the media for his latest fatal flaw.

Ryan doesn’t feel it’s his job to rope in his out of control players, and he thinks the media is pointing out that his players are undisciplined.

On the contrary, most media have pointed out that Rex wears no clothes—an unsettling idea at best.

Since his team lost another game owing to hundreds of yards in penalties, you wonder how that strategy translates into a Super Bowl visit. If we remember correctly, the Three Magi did not bring penalizer to the manger. And, Rex is the penultimate dog in the manger.

Playing with emotion may be the biggest penalizer in the league. Somehow this word has been misapplied by the team to its own size and grit.

Of course, in Ryan’s world, you are on shaky footing unless you play with gay abandon. Then, again, that raises an entirely other political issue.

 

 

 

Our Prediction is Our Predilection: Patriots Best Bills Collectors

DATELINE: Patriotic Gore

If you are surprised at the number of people who have picked the Patriots to lose their road opener to the Buffalo-winged Bills, a Jurassic Park team under a T-Rex coach, you must be living under an obsidian rock. The post-deflated Patriots are pumped up. Straight is the gate.

Picking the Pats to lose is the purview of a group of people who’d make mainstream political candidates cringe. The Patriots are hated, fans. They are despised across the spectrum, and more unliked by media shills. In fact, media/Fourth Estate types may be pandering to their readers and followers by dunning the Patsies.

You may have fallen under the spell of ESPN with their perpetual lyrical parallel hypnosis treatment of viewers. The spell has put national football fans into a robotic anti-Brady mood.

Bear in mind that Tom Brady has won over 160 career games if he throws for 24 points or more during his cakewalk. And, he is now upon his world tour of vengeance. Buffalo will soon be a checkmark of no consequence in the juggernaut of Belichick’s minions.

Bear in mind that Rob Gronkowski is a Buffalo native with a desire to show the home crowd how good he is.

It’s enough to make us scratch our pinhead. Why would anyone think the Patriots don’t stand a chance against the Bills?

We suppose that the selection of the Bills increases rabid fandom quotient (RFQ).

We also plan to tune in to see if Brady shakes T-Rex Ryan’s hand at game’s end.

Only one factor gives us pause in the face of so much hatred: Belichick teams always do poorly against unknown, untested, and untalented young quarterbacks. Hmmm. What is that aroma brewing?

Next on the Hit List: the Buffalo Bills

DATELINE: HUMOR

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T-Rex Ryan is still plodding around New York, but his territory has moved northward to Alaska. He stopped, however, when the shuffle came to Buffalo.

As the new coach of the Bills, T-Rex will still be a constant thorn in the side of Bill Belichick, or at least two times per season.

Yes, it appears that game two of the season will be a trip up to Niagara Falls. Whether it will be a slow, slow turn to victory, inch by inch, or a cascade over the Falls, only T-Rex can tell.

Rex won his first game up in Buffalo—and already looks like he actually has players who will do what he asks and a supportive front office. Yet, he remains the quintessential man of whimsy.

When asked if he would be preparing for the Patriots, Ryan noted that he first would have a few beers before tackling the gameplan.  We would certainly note that he will need more than a few beers after the game. We hope he will not resort to cyanide. He is too valuable as comic relief.

But, we grow mean spirited. We actually like T-Rex and are happy that he has escaped from New York (the Big Apple) and can now enjoy the borderline treat of honeymooners at the Falls and a real football team.

Whether the Bills shall overtake Bill Belichick’s juggernaut, time will tell us within a week. We expect a competitive game and a few chuckles in between the infuriating smugness of T-Rex.

Let us rejoice.

Finally the Bills Come Due

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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The Family’s Jules

Last games of the season are never easy nor pretty.

You know that it could be a trap, or it could be a travesty. In either case, the surprise on Xmas week is like receiving a credit card bill from Target after their massive security breach.

You know you bought something, but the sale price is not reflected on your bank statement. So it is for Bill Belichick. He used the best of psychology in the penultimate game, but his bag of tricks for the last game may be emptier than the script for Now You See Me.

Magic moments aren’t what they used to be: even Hugh Jackman has disappeared from the new Broadway play called Houdini. And, Channing Tatum’s sequel to Magic Mike is a way off.

If there are surprises left in the playbook, Belichick may want to save them for the playoffs. You can only hope that the Bills have not videotaped the Patriots practice sessions.

No matter the outcome, Belichick knows his job is secure unlike so many of his colleagues this season. Few, if any, were ever his peers. The Kubiaks, Ryans, and Shanahans, may be run out of their perspective towns on a rail, tarred and feathered.

Belichick is more stolid than the Bank of America.

The tender used by Belichick is hardly based on plastic cards.

The Patriot motto has always been “In Bill We Trust,” and this year he has used his personal currency in the market and passed off Monopoly money to the NFL. His team is now made up of rookies and undrafted 4Fs. To some it is fool’s gold. To others Belichick is minting Kuggerrands.

Belichick is playing with House money, and he still wins with the most unlikely team. All season he has put the worst team with the best record on the field.

In a world where NFL teams are built like a house of credit cards, Belichick knows that the Bills could huff and puff and blow his house down.

The three little piggies (Amendola, Edelman, and Ridley) must hope that the big bad Bills don’t eat them alive.

 

 You may want to read NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS UNDRESSED for more insights into the team’s coach and star quarterback. Available at Amazon.com.