Allan Carr: A Spectacle to Behold

DATELINE: Carr-buncle

Carr

Can’t Stop the Hype!

It’s been 20 years since the grand poobah of film, TV, and stage producers has left the spotlight. And, boy, was Allan Carr a hog for the media.

The Fabulous Allan Carr is a misnomer. He was not the stuff of fables, nor legends and myths. He was an obese gay man with a knack for self-indulging and making fun for friends and audiences.

One supposes that such a life is enough to satisfy most people. Yet, Carr seemed a cuddly little buddha, but was more like a cactus version of Jekyll and Hyde. When the good times rolled, he was your pal.

He started out as a talent coordinator for Hugh Hefner’s late night TV show in the late 1950s, where he made the acquaintance of old and new Hollywood.

Carr produced Grease, Grease II, La Cage aux Folles, as well as stinkeroos like Can’t Stop the Music. He could do good stuff with all the bravura of Carmen Miranda and Chiquita.

He was a nightmare when failure knocked on his door, and his all-boy parties in Beverly Hills gave way to funeral processions when the AIDS crisis started taking all the twinks. A generation was decimated, and the Village People went into eclipse.

Carr was mostly voyeur, and he escaped infection from HIV. He lived life on his terms, caftans and moo-moo blouses to hide a multitude of rolls.

Born out of Middle America, he became a cocaine-motivated doyen of Hollywood and Broadway. He should have been nicer to the people going up the ladder because they remembered him when he started down the ladder.

His last years were sad, beleaguered with kidney problems and bone cancer. Every party became a line on his face, and in the end he was about as reclusive as an extrovert might never consider.

 

 

Name Game for Bruce Jenner

DATELINE: Portrait of Jennie

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The betting odds on what Bruce Jenner’s new name will be are now reaching the hottie stage.
Brunhilda and/or Precious seem to lead the chorus of baptizers. A few simply want to immerse him nameless in the River Jordan.

Handles are important when you are a celebrity. We think he needs to go with a one-name fashion, like Liberace, or Gronk.

Like most transgender names, it suggests something utterly unlike the previous identity. We think that lets out Wheatie.

Since Chaz Bono has given up his old name, we think a celebrity switcheroo is in order. Bruce should become Chastity, as we suspect there will be few takers in his new role.
Heavens, how many women pushing 70 are in the game nowadays? More than we care to imagine, probably.

Any of the 1980s TV miniseries stars may be good role models for Bruce. When he was appearing with the Village People in movies, Crystal and Sue-ellen were the hot gals of celebrity fiction.

As a child of the 60s, we think he should go with one of the names that suggests flowers in his hair, like Daffodil—or Daisy.

With his change of sex, he has lost the rights to the name Minnie.

We do hope he will donate his organ to a good cause. There must be people who have suffered severe loss in industrial accidents who’d be overjoyed to have a new appendage that has been where celebrities like to hang out. We don’t want to find his lost member up on e-Bay for sale in a pickle jar.

In any respect, after this baptism, we shall always call him her.

Bruce Jenner & Renee Richards Make the Cut

 

DATELINE: Cutting Irony

ImageWhen your sports stars make big decisions, there is no half way to the winner’s circle.

Word has filtered out among the cognoscenti in the sphere of yellow journalism that Bruce Jenner is considering a sex change operation.

This would certainly boost ratings on the sagging Kardashian show. Perhaps a blow-by-blow, cut-to-chase reality experience of changing your sex will resurrect everyone’s career.

Better yet, Bruce Jenner (a man once on the box of Wheaties) has gone all mushy in recent years. Nowadays he is mostly on the box of botox.

His endless plastic surgeries have now gone beyond anything the late Michael Jackson may have competed on.

We also have learned that former tennis champ, and lady-in-waiting, Renee Richards will serve love all as Jenner’s sex change coach. We had no idea that one needed coaching on that fork in the road.

Richards even enjoyed a second career in her sport—and a television movie with Vanessa Redgrave playing her as both a man and a woman. Actors (actresses) are already lining up for the audition to play Jenner.

Jared Leto could pull it off, but the more boyish actresses out there may want first crack at the role.

It will be a TV movie for sure—and may be a movie harder to watch than seeing a camel stick her toe through the eye of a needle.

As a foreshadow of the big changes to come, Jenner had his Adam’s apple pared down in a recent operation to a size more befitting one of the three faces of Eve.

Old sports never die; they undergo the knife.