Gronk & Turkey in the Straw

DATELINE: Too Many Cooks

 photo by Matt Stonephoto by Matt Stone

As rare as a 1916 Mercury-D dime, the Patriots had an impromptu TD celebration.  And, the star of the show was the only man who would dare to stand up to Head Coach Bill Belichick:  no, not Tom Brady.

It was the inimitable Gronk. He usually spikes the ball with great elan. We have been in awe of the fact that for his entire career, he is the only Patriot with the chutzpah to commit such an act within the view of the Scrooge-like coach.

The NFL has now allowed hare-brained celebrations in the endzone after scoring. We have seen leap frog played. We have seen Oddsmell Beckham doing his dog duty impression. However, no Patriot dared to speak the love of celebration.

We must call attention to the Turkey Trot of Brandin Cooks, who jumped on Gronk’s back and rode the Big Pony back to the sidelines in celebration. We swear that Cooks has a 26-inch waist and weighs less than 185 pounds. For Gronk it was like picking up one of those Victoria Secret models for a magazine cover.

You may have missed Gronk being ridden like Seabiscuit by Brandin Cooks, but Bill Belichick emerged like Godzilla from the depths to spit fire over this so-called celebration.

Since Brady never made him those biscuits for Thanksgiving, Gronk gave us his own version of The Original Biscuit Eater.

Alas, after the game Gronk was not allowed to talk about his venture into the realm of happy feet.  In fact, he admitted that the man who won’t allow office parties at Xmas with x’s and o’s, yelled at Gronk for his display

Don’t expect Gronk to join in any reindeer games this season. He won’t even be allowed to give thanks for a touchdown.

Not only was his nose red after the celebration, but his entire face was red. All the better to see inside the dark and gloomy dog house that Coach Belichick built for such players who go about with a Merry TD on their lips.

If Belichick had his way, such players would be buried in the endzone like Jimmy Hoffa, in cement overshoes up to his eyeballs.

So, the Turkey Trot of Gronk was not cooked up by Cooks in the backroom of the holiday luncheonette. It was spontaneous, but nevertheless, it was verboten.

Patriots Give Trump a Knee to the Groin

 DATELINE: Kneeling to Victory

 cooks

 

With the Houston Texans locked arm-in-arm (approved by President Trump) across the field, the Patriots took somewhere between 15 and 20 knees. The number is higher or lower, depending on who reports and their degree of disdain for the New England team.

Tom Brady, Trump supporter, refused to criticize anyone, behaving like Mahatma Ghandi. He loved everyone and disdained negativity. His coach Belichick was more curmudgeonly by simply refusing to discuss it, but owner Kraft told Trump he disliked Trump’s tone.

Being an equal to Trump in monetary terms, this criticism was accepted by Trump. From you, he’d scoff.

Oh, yes, there were more kneeling players before all NFL games than in various churches earlier in the day.

Yet, they were mercilessly booed by some dimwit fans.

In the bonehead fashion of their beloved president, these fans failed to realize that the players are entitled to freedom of speech too. You can boo all you like. That too is covered by freedom of speech, even when it is misdirected and later proven stupid.

Yes, Brandin Cooks was on his knee. The Patriot player is the son of a deceased US Marine and raised by an uncle who also was a US Marine. He hardly disrespects them or the flag.. He was the victim of boo birds for his opinion.

Yet, he was also the man who caught the winning pass and touchdown with seconds left on the clock, thus giving the Brady Patriots a victory.

So much for intelligent boo birds.

You can never have too many Cooks. The remaining fans in stands were among the most faithful. Others may have again disbelieved in the Pats who were losing badly with two minutes to go, a la Super Bowl heroics.

Well, actually, it was the 52nd time Tom Brady took his team from loser to winner before the game ended.

Tom showed much love to everyone, but also to his wife’s favorite player. Superstar model Giselle Bundchen likely has a special spot in her heart for Danny Amendola, the only Patriot who regularly walks the runway as a model.  Danny also saved the Pat-less defense from ignominity.

A win is a win, even if you disrespect free speech or are a moron like Donald Trump.

 

 

Patriots Apply for Sainthood

 DATELINE:  Return to Victory

 botox forever

All of those Fair weather fans of the Patriots Are now worried that their imperfect team is made up of Juggalos or in the vernacular, an Insane Clown Posse.

We fully expect that too many Cooks will be ignored by Tom Brady in the long arduous search to find a replacement for both Julie Edelman and Danny AAA, those over charged batteries of the Patriots offense. As we know, Tom disabled them with his superstitious challenge of breaking a mirror in pre-season.

Now after losing the first game of the season, and ruining the predictions of a perfect 19-0 season, Tom has had to play an entire game in the first quarter against New Orleans Saints.

He threw three touchdowns and scored the second highest first quarter total in his career. Machine Gun Brady could rest on his laurels after that, but his curse continued.

In no short order, he lost Gronk to an alleged groin injury. We gathered from the despair on Gronk’s face that he is worried. We also saw Chris Hogan limp like Walter Brennan to Brady’s John Wayne. On top of that, newcomer Phillip Dorsett may be dubious next week.

So much for mirror challenges.

As far as Tom’s bench, love seat, or throne of honor, he sat alone only briefly. His court jester, Josh, is always thighbone to thighbone with him—and more comfortable in his backup status, Jimmy G sat on the other side of McDaniel.

Who then would take the seat next to the throne with both Julian and Danny out?  We saw that Brandin Cooks tried his luck there, but stayed more than an arm’s length from Tom. He may be whistling in the dark, but he knows Tom can’t be choosy with his receivers dropping like proverbial flies.

On a cheerier note, we saw that in solidarity with Defensive Coordinator Matt Patricia, Coach Belichick put a pencil behind his ear to match the nerd look of Patricia. It may be the greatest vote of confidence we have seen this season.