DATELINE: Merry Xmas
Front & Center!
What’s Christmas in Boston without the Celtics playing on the holiday? Well, what’s Boston without the Boston Pops playing “Sleigh Ride”?
And what do the Celtics and the Boston Pops have in common for the holiday sleigh season?
Well, if you think the season is Fall, you are a true Bostonian. Yes, as the winter solistice dawns on the Hub, the dawn of Fall has come to the Boston Pops.
Conductor Keith Lockhardt looks like a pygmy next to the Senegal giant.
Tacko Fall will be in tuxedo with baton on the rostrum.
When offered the chance to conduct the symphony, Tacko had towering twin problems: could they find a custom made tux for him as he stands, reportedly 7 feet six inches tall, though some downplay this to 7’5”.
Tacko also worried about what movements he sbould make with the baton: they told him to do whatever he wanted. The orchestra would play along.
Up on the stage, Tacko even gave a spin move to show off his new fangled talent to lead a team around the Boston parquet.
This may be only a beginning: Boston and Tacko Fall are ready for bigger things to come.
DATELINE: No Attitude Glasses for Jaylen
Marcus Smart in Attitude Glasses
Boys who wear glasses seldom make passes in the NBA.
We’re not sure if we should tip our cap to Dorothy Parker or Ogden Nash.
The Green Lantern of the Boston Celtics, also known as Jaylen Brown, was unable to play basketball last night because he didn’t clean his contact lens properly. He can’t wear goggles like Kyrie.
It can happen to anyone, but sometimes your lens cleaning falls awry and the lens can result in redness and other problems. You will have to take out the lens and not wear it until the eye clears up.
The young Celtic superstar in the making has found that he must revert to his Clark Kent eyeglasses for the foreseeable future.
Jaylen Brown couldn’t play wearing glasses, knowing the last person to do that with some Los Angeles Laker 30 years ago.
So, Jaylen had to stay in the locker room and tend to his red eye. As the resident intellectual of the team, we think he would look good in glasses on the court. Court
Jaylen, of course, reads voraciously, plays chess dress like a Grand Master, and plays a fortissimo piano.
We suspect that he uses eyeglasses when accomplishing great achievement in those fields. However, being a rock star celebrity of basketball is not in the field of vision.
Eyeglasses being anathema, Jaylen was unable to allow photographs of him with four eyes. We hope his eye clears up soon and he will be back out on the court with his fellow Hardy boy and basketball brother, Jayson Tatum.
Marcus Smart has worn fake eyeglasses to look smart, but Jaylen really is smart.
DATELINE: 14 Ducks in a Row
While everyone thinks of Kyrie Irving as the Masked Marvel, Jaylen Brown has escaped notice as the chess-playing version of the Green Lantern.
In the early match-up between the evil Empire of the Golden State Warriors and the Boston Celtics, Kyrie Irving shed his mask when the game looked bleakest. It was reminiscent of Superman removing his Clark Kent disguise to help propel the Celtics from a 17-point deficit.
However, he could not work alone he needed help from Jaylen Brown. Playing under unpleasant circumstances, reminiscent of what Isaiah Thomas in last year’s playoffs, Brown turned on his Green Lantern powers. Perhaps he looks skyward to the banners from where all Celtics gain their magical powers.
It’s more than possible that he drew upon the spirit of his recently passed friend. He almost did not play, in deference to the sudden death of a close friend. Whatever the motivational issues, Brown turned into the Green Lantern and transformed into a champion before our eyes. He has become now in his second year the Guardian of the Celtic Universe.
Oh, his deputy may be the Robin Second Banana, named Tatum, but the sudden emergence of Brown as the Green embodiment may be a bigger revelation that the expected superhero status of Kyrie Eleison Irving.
With a 14th victory in a row, and the Celtic record at 19, you need not look any further: such starts mean a team seldom falters in March. The lead will be too insurmountable.
In one game in November, coming from behind, vanquishing the World Champs, these new Celtics have stepped into the realm of Celtics Past.
DATELINE: Colorblind Mask
Kyrie Irving, now playing the Masked Marvel, led the Celtics to their 13th victory in a row. It qualified them to meet the reigning dynasty next in the matchup of the year.
Yes, Golden Boys from California are next on the list to become the Golden Fleece to the Celtics.
Irving won national attention for wearing a mask to his game in New York, not a late Halloween gag, but a medical necessity after a small bone in his face was cracked by a teammate’s elbow. He told Aaron Baynes not to send a fruit basket.
Everyone awaited to see the black mask he wore several years back with Cleveland—but Irving wasn’t in the mood to play the Lone Ranger. Black was out, which seemed ironic, but he explained that the black mask limited his peripheral vision.
Even teammates had to relent: they want a victory and a happy camper in Kyrie, even if he failed the Bruce Wayne as Batman contest.
Fake news expert commentator Brian Scalabrine, redundant in his new fake hair from Dr. Leonard, made the off-hand comment that the NBA had stopped Kyrie from becoming the man in the black iron mask. But, that was untrue. Nor did he wear a high yellow mask for racist Boston fans.
Instead, Irving wore clear plastic with thick black bands. It was not a look or feel he enjoyed, constantly adjusting it and removing it. He even left it on the table before Scalabrine during the game.
Like it or not, Kyrie is the Boston Batman. His Robin is clearly Jayson Tatum, and his Alfred the Butler is the tall drink of water known as Al Horford. Commissioner Gordon Hayward is out with a broken ankle, and Jalen Brown may take on the role as the team joker.
Whatever the facial remedy, short of Tom Brady’s Botox mask, the Celtics went on to victory: setting up the hoop dream as their best team in a decade goes after Steph Curry and Kevin ‘I Don’t Look Good in Green’ Durant.
DATELINE: Celtics Not the Patriots
You know Malcolm Butler wants to be traded.
On the same day he signed his $3.9 million tender contract with the Patriots, he went to the Boston Celtics playoff game in town and sat behind the Celtics bench.
Followers of NBA basketball know that this has been an emotionally distressing week for the team. Star scoring machine and tiny tot superman Isaiah Thomas has been playing despite the death of his sister in Washington state after a car accident.
The courage and determination of Thomas may serve as inspiration for most to do their job: the Belichick mantra.
Butler who has tried to orchestrate a trade out of town—and may be setting himself up for a permanent trip to nowhere else sat behind the grieving Celtics.
Butler found himself making disparaging comments to the Celtics players. What??
The Patriots have maintained a “we’re all in Boston together” attitude for years. You always expect Patriot stars to be cheerleaders for their other sports counterparts.
Butler really does want to leave town when he knocks the Celtics and sits next to them during a hideous playoff game. The only other player to do that during the game was Rajon Rondo, one-time Celtics legend, now shilling brilliantly for the Chicago Bulls as their star point guard.
Rondo looked glorious in his black Bulls outfit and creamed the Celtics with his masterful passing and near triple double.
Perhaps Butler thinks Rondo is still wearing green.
Perhaps Butler is preparing to refuse to go to the White House to meet with President Trump, set to honor the Patriots.
In the meantime, the hapless Celtics were kicked when down by a soon-to-be ex-Patriot. It’s okay, fans. An ex-Celtic is kicking the hapless Celtics into the ground too. Rondo spent the weekend walking around Boston, signing autographs and wearing prison-stripe black & white pajama bottoms to the game.
We still love Rondo even if he never goes to Patriot games anymore. We aren’t sure about Malcolm Butler.
DATELINE: Bad Apples
Bring Back Rondo
Once again we are considering the issue, just how smart is Marcus? After arguing with three coaches and storming off the court in the fourth quarter, Marcus Smart apparently went into the visiting locker room and put either his foot or his fist through a wall.
He has since apologized, and Coach Stevens has since said he will pay for any damage. What was he taking? A prescription medicine? Or something more direct from the bottle?
We can only say after his heartfelt apology to fans that we believe he actually wrote. Most of those institutional apologies are written by team lawyers. Nevertheless, Danny Ainge, you should be looking to trade Marcus Smart for any bag of chips you can find in Chicago.
Even in his glorious days at his spectacular worst, Rajon Rondo never reached these depths of the smart Marcus. We hear Rondo’s on the trading block and would advocate trading Smart for Rondo.
It would be like going from the fire into the frying pan, but at least Rondo knows how to cook.
How could you go wrong? One looney tune for another except we think Rondo would actually be copacetic.
After this latest incident, Brad Stevens called Smart, “Willful.” This is hardly a compliment on any scale.
When you bring back Rondo, this problem can be eliminated by making him a player/coach.
DATELINE: Free Money
Word has leaked from the transformers of Boston that the Celtics next season will put a paid logo on their uniforms. The logo will belong to General Electric, a major corporation that recently relocated to take its headquarters to Boston.
This news has electrified Celtics fans. GE also owns Comcast that owns the cable provider for the team.
What has not been revealed is that the patch on the uniform will actually be controlled by electrodes. A secret patch will be on the inside seat of the pants, near the near and dear big balls of the game.
Coach Brad Stevens will be able to give shocks to various players out on the court. This likely means he intends to get more bang for buck.
If it has been suggested the log on the seat of the pants may better motivate one player to listen to his coaches. A gametime shock given to Marcus Smart will actually force him to toe the line. It could mean a shock to Isaiah Thomas will help him jump another foot in the air, thereby reaching heights of the big men.
The GE logo sends powerful energy and a few a few dollars more into the coffers of the Celtics. As a result, they’ll be able to sign a major star next year.
In the meantime, other teams are thinking about logos on their uniforms. Among the possibilities for the Philadelphia Sixers shall place Kraft Philadelphia cream cheese on their uniforms. The New York Knicks are thinking about using the Pillsbury doughboy. And Cleveland Cavaliers make out with any product that has an eye “I” on it, like an iPhone, iPad or an iPod.
As Terry Rozier of the Celtics noted, “I like free money.”
Chuck Connors as the Celtics Rifleman
Word is now circulating that spectacular new superstar number 4, also known as Isaiah Thomas, wants to change his number to 11. It’s worn by Julian Edelman on the Patriots. Number 4 was worn by Bobby Orr of the Bruins.
This almost sounds like heresy. In the middle of one of the great streaks of all time in Celtics history, the man wants to change his number 4, which exemplifies his fourth quarter histrionics, to a more metaphoric 11.
We suppose being a double number one supersedes being a simple number 4.
There have been equal numbers of players wearing 4 and 11 while playing as Celtics. Past number 11’s include Big Baby Davis. We doubt the Celtics will retire his 11.
We are most distressed that the first number 11 in Celtics history happens to be The Rifleman of TV lore.
Our favorite hero and villain (for he played both) was actor Chuck Connors. Before he started his acting career on Superman with George Reeves, he wore number 11 for the Celtics.
We have often wondered why Chuck Connors’ number was not retired.
However, it is clear to us, that Isaiah Thomas (a.k.a. cousin IT), if he continues playing at a Superman level, will be up there in the rafters with Bird and other high-flyers.
Whether it is as a number 4 or as a double 1, only the tea leaves shall tell. Right now our crystal ball is a bit murky. We do advise Julie E, #11, to stand clear. Here comes the new #11.
DATELINE: Celtics Air Borne
We have underestimated the Boston Celtics.
No other team in New England has had a bomb threat made against their charter airplane.
Though the Oklahoma City Police have dismissed the threat against the Green Team as nothing less than a hoax, you have to wonder if there is more thunder than lightning in this take-off.
No Celtics were hurt in the rush to disembark the plane. Apparently, the bomb threat was not serious enough to bring the plane to an emergency landing, as is standard operating procedure. We are sure the Celtics now understand their priority in the scheme of the NBA.
Celtics do not need to have Homeland Security check their carry-on, as it is a private flight, but Homeland’s snoopers went through the Celtics’ dainty undies before returning the bags to the hotel in OKC.
The Celtics, of course, had to exit their flight. No, they did not have to slide down the chute to the tarmac. But, flying is stressful enough without the additional baggage of a bomb.
Next time the Celtics will fly with their leprechaun mascot to help defray any bad luck.
There is always the possibility that the bomb threat was called in against the wrong team. You expect the Patriots to be attacked every step of the way since Deflategate and Belichick are synonymous with hate around the NFL.
Who could hate the Celtics? This is the team with a Smart guy with a dumb hairdo. This is the team with Cousin IT on the parquet. This is the team with sweetheart Al Horford. Who’d want to blow them out of the air?
We can understand disgruntled fans from Chicago upset about the Big Sale Trade and choosing to make threats against the Red Sox. We can even understand the Jamie Collins Fan Club leading a terror threat against the Pats.
Maybe some doesn’t like shamrock green. But, we now see the Celtics with new respect.
DATELINE: Vile Radio Blabber at It Again
Al in Pastel
Now we have heard it all.
During Monday’s Celtics game, we noticed that Al Horford was not there. DNP. We feared he had relapsed on his long suffering concussion, but no.
His wife gave birth to a daughter, his second child. He chose to be with them at this particular moment. What? You mean he gave up playing a regular season game and took the huge salary (which likely goes into a college trust for his new born child).
Yet, some rabid media radio hacks have attacked him for being insensitive to his contractual obligations—and the young men to whom he is an idol, a leader, and chief bromancer. That is, his teammates.
Quite frankly, we were surprised that cultured, well-spoken, charming private Al Horford was even married. He is a breath of fresh air among today’s denizens of the basketball court.
To give up a game (and take the money) for reasons that are not business has confounded media whores. We were reminded briefly of the day when Sandy Koufax declined to pitch a World Series game because his faith required him to attend to Yom Kippur.
Imagine that? The game that puts food on the table is secondary to “other things.” What would Lawrence of Arabia say to that?
We have come to enjoy every second of Al Horford on the parquet. He looks good even in pastel green, as well as shamrock green. He makes it look easy and is in full control. We are sad when he misses even a moment of a shift, but we do think there are indeed loyalties in life to “other things.”
DATELINE: Don’t Call Him Shorty
Celtics rookie Jaylen Brown may start to look like Larry Bird if you focus on the lack of air circulating through his uniform shorts.
The baggy at the knees look causes a dribbled ball to go where no bouncing ball should go. It’s either that, or no NBA player should ever dribble between the knees.
Jaylen Brown knows how to play chess. And, basketball requires fancy moves for your average queen, but custom underwear moves too. He has gone throwback when it comes to moves of the 1980s. We first thought he resembled Dee Brown in Green. Now we know it the 1986 champs we see in mesh material.
He disdains shorts that resemble a hoops skirt.
There are only so many places you can go in short shorts of the NBA.
We always like to see the pendulum swing back. We have kept ties in our closet older than Jaylen Brown for the occasion when all that investment in paisley silk pays off again
Jaylen Brown also wants to bring back dimpled knees. In college, that ironclad monolith that prevents free spirits from experimenting, they would never allow Jaylen the chance to show off his assets. They stopped him from developing a big tool in his game: how to run down the court like a jaybird.
It takes a small pair to make a big man. Knowing how basketball players reach out to grab anything that dribbles past them, we see that Jaylen Brown has shortened the option.
Fans love a man in a uniform that makes Under Armor more important. Jaylen insists his uni preference is not a style faux pas, nor does it mean he is a Trailblazer from Portland. No, indeed, he is a Celtic through and throwback.
He insists, “I’m doing me.” We give full credit to the site that keeps an eye on the cruising passions of the NBA—and thank them for bringing shorties to our attention.
We refuse to call Jaylen, “Shorty.”
DATELINE: Nothing Doing
You could say the Boston Celtics chose the wrong day, wrong place, and wrong year to open their pre-season. They were in Amherst, Massachusetts, but it was a home game for the Philadelphia team.
It was the night when the two vice presidential candidates debated—and still the Celtics could not draw more than 4000 fans in the big Mass. College town.
The vanilla ice cream personalities of the player candidates seemed to mock their career bending decisions to defend their deplorable running mates. Talk about a basket full of bad omens. We think we are talking basketball, right?
Hurricane Matthew just blew through devastated Haiti with 140mph winds and 40 inches of rain, on the way to canceling political events in Florida and the east coast of the United States. Only issues of transgender bathrooms can cancel basketball games.
The Celtics were overshadowed by the Red Sox preparing to go into the post-season, and the Patriots preparing to start the GOAT QB after four weeks in Elba.
It was a night when Tom Brady posted a photo of himself in a t-shirt urging David Ortiz to reverse his retirement decision. Tom seemed not to notice you can’t put toothpaste back into the squeezed tube, or pump air into a career season clearly over.
It was the place where the Celtics imitated a 1960s team that shocked the nation by locking arms during the National Anthem. They did it again, this time to show America was together in black and white.
They obviously didn’t see the vice presidential candidates rent the nation in a way even Solomon couldn’t put back together. The nation’s proverbial baby has gone out with the bathwater. Humpty Dumpty, help us.
The Celtics lost the game, and the media insisted it was a new start with great players. The witnesses to corroborate this ran from few to none, being preoccupied with life elsewhere.
Basketball players looked like odd men out on this night.
DATELINE: Time and Tide Goes Backwards
With word that former Celtic Ray Allen may return to Boston for the first time in Green since 2012, the seismic register has begun to shake off the chart.
Allen left the Celtics and a two-year contract on the table for less money in Miami. He alienated Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. Their big three musketeers turned into three blind mice.
The real reason that Ray Allen had to leave the Celtics was Rajon Rondo. Their on court animosity was more palpable than lumps in your coffee.
Now all the evil that men do lives after them in other places.
Ray Allen is ready, at 41, to play ball with the Celtics as their grand old man.
It has sparked some talk in sports circles about the inevitability of Father Time. No, A-Rod will not show up at Fenway ready to rekindle his once-reversed contract with the Red Sox.
And, now that Tom Brady is suspended for a month of Sundays in September, we hear that Tony Eason, Steve Grogan, and Doug Flutie are warming up in the wings.
Yep, and Ted Danson is considering re-fitting himself into the Boston bar where everyone knew his name as the dumb blond guy. And, Woody Harrelson will demur.
Old age is a number—and when Manny Ramirez says he wants one more chance to drop balls in left field, we are listening.
If Donald Trump can kick babies instead of kiss them, we know our world is upside down.
Come back, Ray Allen. Rondo is dispatched, and Tom Brady is in limbo. We need your superstar status to fill up the empty pages of blogs and the vapid sports reports every evening on TV.
Can Aaron Hernandez be expecting a presidential pardon to return to the Patriots?
DATELINE: NO Free Lunch for the Celtics
Celtics fans are hemorrhaging over likelihood that Dwight Howard will liven up the parquet at the Garden. Can it be that the free agency of the NBA will cost Celtic fans their souls?
Others see it as bringing in the serpent to force Brad Stevens to take a bite of the sour apple of Sodom.
This Superman pretender has become more anathema among Green Team fans than an excommunicated priest at a boys’ club meeting.
Yet, we hold out the greatest of hope for a cure for cancer and a cure for Dwight Howard. Perhaps the elixir of life restored will come from the charms of Brad Stevens.
The Celtics coach is gaining a reputation of taking the tanked careers of desperate superstar failures and giving them a cape to wear out of the phone booth.
There is magic in the banners hanging among the Garden rafters.
Dwight Howard has met Kryptonite at every stop and worn out his welcome faster than door-to-door salesman.
After Rajon Rondo, what could be worse for the Celtics? How about signing Dwight and Rondo? What might work better than to have the Prodigal Son return with a couple of superstars to re-live the thrilling season of 2007?
Durant, Howard, and Rondo, would be more cosmic than to see the planets align for the return of Planet X.
We are rooting for Danny Ainge to sign Kevin Durant, Dwight Howard, and Rajon Rondo. We love mad love unconditionally.