Rajon Rondo & Malcolm Butler Kick Celtics in End

DATELINE:  Celtics Not the Patriots


You know Malcolm Butler wants to be traded.

On the same day he signed his $3.9 million tender contract with the Patriots, he went to the Boston Celtics playoff game in town and sat behind the Celtics bench.

Followers of NBA basketball know that this has been an emotionally distressing week for the team.  Star scoring machine and tiny tot superman Isaiah Thomas has been playing despite the death of his sister in Washington state after a car accident.

The courage and determination of Thomas may serve as inspiration for most to do their job: the Belichick mantra.

Butler who has tried to orchestrate a trade out of town—and may be setting himself up for a permanent trip to nowhere else sat behind the grieving Celtics.

Butler found himself making disparaging comments to the Celtics players. What??

The Patriots have maintained a “we’re all in Boston together” attitude for years. You always expect Patriot stars to be cheerleaders for their other sports counterparts.

Butler really does want to leave town when he knocks the Celtics and sits next to them during a hideous playoff game. The only other player to do that during the game was Rajon Rondo, one-time Celtics legend, now shilling brilliantly for the Chicago Bulls as their star point guard.

Rondo looked glorious in his black Bulls outfit and creamed the Celtics with his masterful passing and near triple double.

Perhaps Butler thinks Rondo is still wearing green.

Perhaps Butler is preparing to refuse to go to the White House to meet with President Trump, set to honor the Patriots.

In the meantime, the hapless Celtics were kicked when down by a soon-to-be ex-Patriot. It’s okay, fans. An ex-Celtic is kicking the hapless Celtics into the ground too. Rondo spent the weekend walking around Boston, signing autographs and wearing prison-stripe black & white pajama bottoms to the game.

We still love Rondo even if he never goes to Patriot games anymore. We aren’t sure about Malcolm Butler.


Trade Marcus Smart Now—for Rajon Rondo

DATELINE: Bad Apples


Rondo Finds Love Bring Back Rondo

Once again we are considering the issue, just how smart is Marcus? After arguing with three coaches and storming off the court in the fourth quarter, Marcus Smart apparently went into the visiting locker room and put either his foot or his fist through a wall.

He has since apologized, and Coach Stevens has since said he will pay for any damage. What was he taking? A prescription medicine? Or something more direct from the bottle?

We can only say after his heartfelt apology to fans that we believe he actually wrote. Most of those institutional apologies are written by team lawyers. Nevertheless, Danny Ainge, you should be looking to trade Marcus Smart for any bag of chips you can find in Chicago.

Even in his glorious days at his spectacular worst, Rajon Rondo never reached these depths of the smart Marcus. We hear Rondo’s on the trading block and would advocate trading Smart for Rondo.

It would be like going from the fire into the frying pan, but at least Rondo knows how to cook.

How could you go wrong? One looney tune for another except we think Rondo would actually be copacetic.

After this latest incident, Brad Stevens called Smart, “Willful.” This is hardly a compliment on any scale.

When you bring back Rondo, this problem can be eliminated by making him a player/coach.


GE Whiz: Celtics as Paid Companions

DATELINE:  Free Money

affluenza sufferer Celtics Gold

Word has leaked from the transformers of Boston that the Celtics next season will put a paid logo on their uniforms. The logo will belong to General Electric, a major corporation that recently relocated to take its headquarters to Boston.

This news has electrified Celtics fans.  GE also owns Comcast that owns the cable provider for the team.

What has not been revealed is that the patch on the uniform will actually be controlled by electrodes. A secret patch will be on the inside seat of the pants, near the near and dear big balls of the game.

Coach Brad Stevens will be able to give shocks to various players out on the court. This likely means he intends to get more bang for buck.

If it has been suggested the log on the seat of the pants may better motivate one player to listen to his coaches.  A gametime shock given to Marcus Smart will actually force him to toe the line. It could mean a shock to Isaiah Thomas will help him jump another foot in the air, thereby reaching heights of the big men.

The GE logo sends powerful energy and a few a few dollars more into the coffers of the Celtics.  As a result, they’ll be able to sign a major star next year.

In the meantime, other teams are thinking about logos on their uniforms. Among the possibilities for the Philadelphia Sixers shall place Kraft Philadelphia cream cheese on their uniforms. The New York Knicks are thinking about using the Pillsbury doughboy. And Cleveland Cavaliers make out with any product that has an eye “I” on it, like an iPhone, iPad or an iPod.

As Terry Rozier of the Celtics noted, “I like free money.”




Numbering the Players: From Edelman to Rifleman

DATELINE:  Numbers


 Chuck Connors as the Celtics Rifleman

Word is now circulating that spectacular new superstar number 4, also known as Isaiah Thomas, wants to change his number to 11. It’s worn by Julian Edelman on the Patriots.  Number 4 was worn by Bobby Orr of the Bruins.

This almost sounds like heresy. In the middle of one of the great streaks of all time in Celtics history, the man wants to change his number 4, which exemplifies his fourth quarter histrionics, to a more metaphoric 11.

We suppose being a double number one supersedes being a simple number 4.

There have been equal numbers of players wearing 4 and 11 while playing as Celtics. Past number 11’s include Big Baby Davis. We doubt the Celtics will retire his 11.

We are most distressed that the first number 11 in Celtics history happens to be The Rifleman of TV lore.

Our favorite hero and villain (for he played both) was actor Chuck Connors. Before he started his acting career on Superman with George Reeves, he wore number 11 for the Celtics.

We have often wondered why Chuck Connors’ number was not retired.

However, it is clear to us, that Isaiah Thomas (a.k.a. cousin IT), if he continues playing at a Superman level, will be up there in the rafters with Bird and other high-flyers.

Whether it is as a number 4 or as a double 1, only the tea leaves shall tell. Right now our crystal ball is a bit murky. We do advise Julie E, #11, to stand clear. Here comes the new #11.


Grounded Celtics “da Bomb”

DATELINE: Celtics Air Borne

 Smarting from Wince

We have underestimated the Boston Celtics.

No other team in New England has had a bomb threat made against their charter airplane.

Though the Oklahoma City Police have dismissed the threat against the Green Team as nothing less than a hoax, you have to wonder if there is more thunder than lightning in this take-off.

No Celtics were hurt in the rush to disembark the plane. Apparently, the bomb threat was not serious enough to bring the plane to an emergency landing, as is standard operating procedure. We are sure the Celtics now understand their priority in the scheme of the NBA.

Celtics do not need to have Homeland Security check their carry-on, as it is a private flight, but Homeland’s snoopers went through the Celtics’ dainty undies before returning the bags to the hotel in OKC.

The Celtics, of course, had to exit their flight. No, they did not have to slide down the chute to the tarmac. But, flying is stressful enough without the additional baggage of a bomb.

Next time the Celtics will fly with their leprechaun mascot to help defray any bad luck.

There is always the possibility that the bomb threat was called in against the wrong team. You expect the Patriots to be attacked every step of the way since Deflategate and Belichick are synonymous with hate around the NFL.

Who could hate the Celtics? This is the team with a Smart guy with a dumb hairdo. This is the team with Cousin IT on the parquet. This is the team with sweetheart Al Horford. Who’d want to blow them out of the air?

We can understand disgruntled fans from Chicago upset about the Big Sale Trade and choosing to make threats against the Red Sox. We can even understand the Jamie Collins Fan Club leading a terror threat against the Pats.

Maybe some doesn’t like shamrock green. But, we now see the Celtics with new respect.

Decent Al Horford Attacked for Paternity Leave

DATELINE:  Vile Radio Blabber at It Again

al-in-pastel Al in Pastel

Now we have heard it all.

During Monday’s Celtics game, we noticed that Al Horford was not there. DNP. We feared he had relapsed on his long suffering concussion, but no.

His wife gave birth to a daughter, his second child. He chose to be with them at this particular moment. What? You mean he gave up playing a regular season game and took the huge salary (which likely goes into a college trust for his new born child).

Yet, some rabid media radio hacks have attacked him for being insensitive to his contractual obligations—and the young men to whom he is an idol, a leader, and chief bromancer. That is, his teammates.

Quite frankly, we were surprised that cultured, well-spoken, charming private Al Horford was even married. He is a breath of fresh air among today’s denizens of the basketball court.

To give up a game (and take the money) for reasons that are not business has confounded media whores. We were reminded briefly of the day when Sandy Koufax declined to pitch a World Series game because his faith required him to attend to Yom Kippur.

Imagine that? The game that puts food on the table is secondary to “other things.” What would Lawrence of Arabia say to that?

We have come to enjoy every second of Al Horford on the parquet. He looks good even in pastel green, as well as shamrock green. He makes it look easy and is in full control. We are sad when he misses even a moment of a shift, but we do think there are indeed loyalties in life to “other things.”

Ready to Wear: Jaylen Brown Goes Green

DATELINE: Don’t Call Him Shorty


Celtics rookie Jaylen Brown may start to look like Larry Bird if you focus on the lack of air circulating through his uniform shorts.

The baggy at the knees look causes a dribbled ball to go where no bouncing ball should go. It’s either that, or no NBA player should ever dribble between the knees.

Jaylen Brown knows how to play chess. And, basketball requires fancy moves for your average queen, but custom underwear moves too. He has gone throwback when it comes to moves of the 1980s. We first thought he resembled Dee Brown in Green. Now we know it the 1986 champs we see in mesh material.

He disdains shorts that resemble a hoops skirt.

There are only so many places you can go in short shorts of the NBA.

We always like to see the pendulum swing back. We have kept ties in our closet older than Jaylen Brown for the occasion when all that investment in paisley silk pays off again

Jaylen Brown also wants to bring back dimpled knees. In college, that ironclad monolith that prevents free spirits from experimenting, they would never allow Jaylen the chance to show off his assets. They stopped him from developing a big tool in his game: how to run down the court like a jaybird.

It takes a small pair to make a big man. Knowing how basketball players reach out to grab anything that dribbles past them, we see that Jaylen Brown has shortened the option.

Fans love a man in a uniform that makes Under Armor more important. Jaylen insists his uni preference is not a style faux pas, nor does it mean he is a Trailblazer from Portland. No, indeed, he is a Celtic through and throwback.

He insists, “I’m doing me.”  We give full credit to the site that keeps an eye on the cruising passions of the NBA—and thank them for bringing shorties to our attention.

We refuse to call Jaylen, “Shorty.”







Boston Celtics New Season of Also-Rans

DATELINE: Nothing Doing

doomsday twilight zone

You could say the Boston Celtics chose the wrong day, wrong place, and wrong year to open their pre-season. They were in Amherst, Massachusetts, but it was a home game for the Philadelphia team.

It was the night when the two vice presidential candidates debated—and still the Celtics could not draw more than 4000 fans in the big Mass. College town.

The vanilla ice cream personalities of the player candidates seemed to mock their career bending decisions to defend their deplorable running mates. Talk about a basket full of bad omens. We think we are talking basketball, right?

Hurricane Matthew just blew through devastated Haiti with 140mph winds and 40 inches of rain, on the way to canceling political events in Florida and the east coast of the United States. Only issues of transgender bathrooms can cancel basketball games.

The Celtics were overshadowed by the Red Sox preparing to go into the post-season, and the Patriots preparing to start the GOAT QB after four weeks in Elba.

It was a night when Tom Brady posted a photo of himself in a t-shirt urging David Ortiz to reverse his retirement decision. Tom seemed not to notice you can’t put toothpaste back into the squeezed tube, or pump air into a career season clearly over.

It was the place where the Celtics imitated a 1960s team that shocked the nation by locking arms during the National Anthem. They did it again, this time to show America was together in black and white.

They obviously didn’t see the vice presidential candidates rent the nation in a way even Solomon couldn’t put back together. The nation’s proverbial baby has gone out with the bathwater. Humpty Dumpty, help us.

The Celtics lost the game, and the media insisted it was a new start with great players. The witnesses to corroborate this ran from few to none, being preoccupied with life elsewhere.

Basketball players looked like odd men out on this night.




Ray Allen Returns to Green Time

 DATELINE: Time and Tide Goes Backwards

With word that former Celtic Ray Allen may return to Boston for the first time in Green since 2012, the seismic register has begun to shake off the chart.

Allen left the Celtics and a two-year contract on the table for less money in Miami. He alienated Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce.  Their big three musketeers turned into three blind mice.

The real reason that Ray Allen had to leave the Celtics was Rajon Rondo. Their on court animosity was more palpable than lumps in your coffee.

Now all the evil that men do lives after them in other places.

Ray Allen is ready, at 41, to play ball with the Celtics as their grand old man.

It has sparked some talk in sports circles about the inevitability of Father Time. No, A-Rod will not show up at Fenway ready to rekindle his once-reversed contract with the Red Sox.

And, now that Tom Brady is suspended for a month of Sundays in September, we hear that Tony Eason, Steve Grogan, and Doug Flutie are warming up in the wings.

Yep, and Ted Danson is considering re-fitting himself into the Boston bar where everyone knew his name as the dumb blond guy. And, Woody Harrelson will demur.

Old age is a number—and when Manny Ramirez says he wants one more chance to drop balls in left field, we are listening.

If Donald Trump can kick babies instead of kiss them, we know our world is upside down.

Come back, Ray Allen. Rondo is dispatched, and Tom Brady is in limbo. We need your superstar status to fill up the empty pages of blogs and the vapid sports reports every evening on TV.

Can Aaron Hernandez be expecting a presidential pardon to return to the Patriots?

Bring Back Rondo!

DATELINE: NO Free Lunch for the Celtics


Celtics fans are hemorrhaging over likelihood that Dwight Howard will liven up the parquet at the Garden. Can it be that the free agency of the NBA will cost Celtic fans their souls?

Others see it as bringing in the serpent to force Brad Stevens to take a bite of the sour apple of Sodom.

This Superman pretender has become more anathema among Green Team fans than an excommunicated priest at a boys’ club meeting.

Yet, we hold out the greatest of hope for a cure for cancer and a cure for Dwight Howard. Perhaps the elixir of life restored will come from the charms of Brad Stevens.

The Celtics coach is gaining a reputation of taking the tanked careers of desperate superstar failures and giving them a cape to wear out of the phone booth.

There is magic in the banners hanging among the Garden rafters.

Dwight Howard has met Kryptonite at every stop and worn out his welcome faster than door-to-door salesman.

After Rajon Rondo, what could be worse for the Celtics? How about signing Dwight and Rondo?  What might work better than to have the Prodigal Son return with a couple of superstars to re-live the thrilling season of 2007?

Durant, Howard, and Rondo, would be more cosmic than to see the planets align for the return of Planet X.

We are rooting for Danny Ainge to sign Kevin Durant, Dwight Howard, and Rajon Rondo. We love mad love unconditionally.

Boston Celtics Bite the Dust at NBA Draft

DATELINE: All Done in June

how smart is this guy?

Not So Smart After All

It was the bottom of the ninth, and the bases were loaded. Oh, wait, it was draft day—and the Celtics had the third pick.

For weeks the media dogs have been baying at the Moon. They knew the gypsy caravan of Danny Ainge was about to steal somebody’s star from under the bridge.

A funny thing happened on the way to the war room.

The Mighty Ainge struck out.

You really cannot predict what teenage prospect of basketball will turn out to be the next Kobe, Bird, or Paul Pierce. You win some, and you lose some. But, the fans expected something big.

They expected to hit the heights, and oh what heights they hit. It was the epitome of discontent—and winter is still six months away.

The charming young chess whiz, Jay-B, or Jaylen Brown promised he would strive for the heights. He might as well have been speaking of Brooklyn Heights. Call this another mysterious light in the night sky.

Celtics fans felt like someone had told them an exoplanet was in the Goldilocks Zone. It was telling them the next banner was light years away.

The highly vaunted picks that Ainge hoarded like gold bullion at Fort Knox turned out to be more like what King Midas was left with after he cried, “Enough!” And, the fans sent a cacophony of boo to greet the messengers.

Who were these picks?  You couldn’t trade them for Rajon Rondo and a ticket to the Greta Garbo Film Festival.

The Mighty Ainge has struck out—and waiting for next year is not yet an option. We stuck our thumbs into the pie and found ourselves plumbing the depths.

NBA Draft Lottery Pickings

DATELINE: Picking Your Know What

Butler Photobomb

With the Great Ping Pong Irrationality, the NBA doled out its version of the Olympic medals this week.

We watched to see how far the Celtics could fall in this lottery.

The grand finale had them take home the Bronze medal while in the background Jimmy Butler looked on envious. He was there to prove he was not on the Chicago trading block, and Isaiah Thomas was there to prove he was the team leader.

Butler may soon be playing with the Celtics via a trade and was the little birdie over the shoulder of Isaiah in true photobomb mode.

Neither man won much, though Thomas had a chance to shake the hand of the 76ers—the other Revolutionary War rival to Boston.

If photos don’t lie, you could say Thomas was trying to swallow his smile. Bronze is not as valuable as copper—and nothing comes close to Monatomic Gold, now highly prized as the Number One pick.

It could be that the Celtics will trade their third choice, but experts say after that the first two picks are made, the horserace is for horsemeat.

We never much trust these lotteries. Your top pick could drop dead of a drug overdose. You could pick someone who comes up lame. You never know how long it will take for some skinny kid to bulk up and remain youthful.

No, don’t put too much stock in these draft picks. Trade them for a known commodity. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush league.

Curse of the Bambino Haunts the Celtics

DATELINE:  A-Rod Spoils the Night

 Jacoby Returns

The curse of the Bambino hit the Celtics and eliminated them in the playoffs this season.

Yes, you had only to look at the New York Yankees who came to the playoff game to realize the Celts were dead meat. If the Yanks can do in the Red Sox annually, the Celtics end up as an appetizer.

Who let them in?

So, with the Yankees coming to Fenway Park on Friday for the first series of the season against the Red Sox, you had several Yankees coming to the last game of the season for the Celtics.

You be the judge.

There in the front row, inexplicably a fan of someone somewhere, was A-Rod. Yes, the loathed Alex Rodriguez of the Yanks was at a Celtics game, smiling and spreading his own brand of joie de vivre for Atlanta fans.

To see A-Rod in fine fettle across the court from Bill Russell, you wondered what voodoo would outdo the doo-doo.

Yet, it was worse. The Prodigal Son of the Red Sox showed up in a luxury box, high above the rafters. Yes, there he was in all his splendor, Jacoby Ellsbury, former Red Sox star of the future, and now Yankee bench-rider of the present. He too was a happy camper, waving at the crowd from his perch where the Atlanta Hawks might have an aerie.

The Celtics were doomed from the opening tip-off. The Bambino sent his minions to another sport in Boston—and sent the Celtics off to the golf courses of America for another summer.


Dwight Howard Never Wears Green

DATELINE: Rocky Rocketman


You know Superman has been beaten by Batman when Dwight Howard is being mentioned as a trade possibility to Boston. Danny Ainge is no Ben Affleck when it comes to movie heroes in Celtic uniforms.

As with rumors of Blake Griffin, the chance of such a Celtics trade comes about three years too late. Rajon Rondo would have complemented either man to the point of a championship. Now, Father Time has passed by—and the Superman mantle has passed from Dwight to Cam Newton.

Cam won’t be playing basketball in Boston any time soon.

Other than trading too many prospects, damaging team chemistry, and creating turmoil, the idea that the Boston Celtics feel like regressing becomes supercilious.

Just what workmen are given up for the novelty of having a washed up Superman? Houston may well demand the impossible: Marcus Smart and Isaiah Thomas are not worth Howard, even if they stand on each other’s shoulders to reach his height.

To top off the absurdity of comic book victories at the Boston TD Garden, you have to realize the Justice League is a team, not a solo performer.

Only Frederich Nietzche still believes in supermen.

Sorry, phone booths are yesterday’s mode of communication, Superman. To fit into the new teamwork and communal style of play, the Celtics might want Atom Ant over Superman.

Danny Ainge needs a superstar as his go-to man. But, Kevin Garnett is not walking through that door, fans. In fact, we think Dwight Howard might bounce off the door instead of coming through.


Humorist Finds No Jokes in New Celtics Season

Featured imageDon’t We Wish?

Celtics may want to try free throws from the opposite end of the court.

Trying to in-bound a ball with milliseconds left in the game, Jae Crowder tossed up a court length pass. It had the unfortunate fate of actually going through the net.

If Crowder were in one of those half-time contests, he might have won a car or some chain link fence. Alas, during a game, such a titanic achievement merely resulted in a turnover—and hardly the apple turnover of his coach’s eye.

On the sidelines, Brad Stevens seemed to be stifling a chuckle. That is if he were holding in a whimper.

Yes, indeed, the promising Celtics season of 2015 has gotten off with a bang all right: it’s like an explosion in the engine room. One wag of a Boston writer said the early defeats were a wake up call. Well, you should be awake in the first week of the season, or are we hopeless and cockeyed optimists?

Crowder, one of the bright lights of last season, now is a starter with a new contract. It seems to have worked wonders—he is now sleepwalking through his success.

We had given these new Celtics a week or two to rekindle our waning embers. It’s cold in here, Mr. Scrooge, and Danny Ainge Scrooge has not provided us with any superstar to spark the team. We never saw a big trade this summer, and we see not much now.

We may abandon this ship before the rats this year. We see a potential laughingstock, but few precious laughs.